Steven Wright

« Page 1 from 24, showing 1 - 25 from 599 »

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, so. What did you think?More Steven Wright [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
Hermits have no peer pressure.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.More Steven Wright [12/13/2007 12:12:00]

« Page 1 from 24, showing 1 - 25 from 599 »

Quotes of the month

Author Unknown Because envy burns him like rye. Igor Severyanin [12/10/2019 06:12:36] More


Author Unknown "You can carve an image of a person out of a stone, but in a person, not everyone has this image." [12/04/2019 12:12:39] More


Author Unknown "If your envious people were silent as they open their mouths, they would no longer be envious." [11/28/2019 06:11:23] More


Anatoly Yurkin The platform economy directly links the ability to produce intellectual property with the ownership of digital capital. (Anatoly Yurkin) [11/15/2019 06:11:44] More


Author Unknown "The heart-sick
Envy burns with fire!" (Evgueni Berkovitch, 2013) [12/10/2019 06:12:16] More