Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
[a shocked Silent Bob stares at Jay]
Jay: Dude, not all the time.More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Bartleby: Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of sinning against our almighty God, and I promise you, you shall pay for your trespasses, in blood!
[He rips open his shirt to reveal a silver breastplate]
Bartleby: Wings, now.
Loki: I'm feeling a little exposed here...
Bartleby: DO IT!More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Jay: I know they were just kids, but we kicked their pube-less asses!More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Bartleby: "I do believe in this." What does that mean?More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Azrael: Get me a... Holy Bartender.
Bartender: Never heard of it.
Azrael: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?
Azrael: Ahh, anybody? No?
[Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads]
Azrael: Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender...
[Azrael pulls out an uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically]
Azrael: Get it?
Serendipity: [restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael why?
Rufus: Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!
Azrael: Now, now, apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you.
[referring to Bethany]More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Metatron: Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Metatron: I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
Bethany: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
Metatron: Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey, and visit a small church on a very important day.
Bethany: New Jersey? That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.
Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Bethany: What's the fine print?
Metatron: [mumbling into glass] Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence.
Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Metatron: Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them.More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Rufus: He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it.
Bethany: Having beliefs isn't good?
Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant.More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on.
Loki: Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this...
Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.
Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I had to do all the work.
Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
Loki: I rained down sulphur, man, there's a subtle difference.
Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
Loki: Hey, you know, fuck you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer.More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Bethany: McHenry is pretty far from Jersey, might I ask what brings you guys to Illinois?
Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes.
Bethany: "16 Candles" John Hughes?
Jay: You know him too? That fucking guy. Made this flick "16 Candles" right? Not bad it's got tits in it, but no bush. Of course Ebert over here don't give a shit about that stuff cause he's all in love with this John Hughes guy and rents every one of his movies. Fucking "Breakfast Club" all these stupid kids actually show up to detention, fucking "Weird Science" where this one chick wants to take off her gear and get down, but aw, no she don't cause it's a PG movie, and then there's "Pretty In Pink" which I can't watch with this tubby muthafucker any more, because everytime we get to the part where the red head hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little eight-year-old with a skinned knee and shit. And nothing is worse then watching a fat man weep.More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Jay: Heh, me lead you? Lady look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time!More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Noman the Golgothan: Not born. SHIT into existence.More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Nun: You don't believe in God because of Alice in Wonderland?
Loki: No, "Through the Looking Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter" that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or... or with his tusk, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do... what do they do? They... They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensure the destruction of one's inner-being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions... by inhibiting our decisions, out of... out of fear of some... some intangible parent figure who... who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says... and says, "Do it - Do it and I'll fuckin' spank you. "More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Rufus: Are you saying you believe?
Bethany: No. But I have a good idea.More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Jay: Get offa me. I wanna see what's up. What the fuck is this shit? Who the fuck are you, lady? Why the fuck did you hug my head?
Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?
Jay: What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?
Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes.
Jay: What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fuckin' nuts? What the fuck happened to that guy's head? I want some...
[God kisses him on the cheek. Jay faints]More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
[Silent Bob hits Azrael in the chest with a blessed golf-club - his chest shatters, revealing black ooze]
Azrael: But I'm a fuckin' demon.More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Bethany: What's he like?
Metatron: God? Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.
Bethany: Sex is a joke in heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Metatron: However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.
Bethany: What, more angels?
Metatron: Prophets. Two of them. The one who speaks - and he will, at great lengths, whether you want him to or not - will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one... well, he's the quiet type, but he'll be helpful just the same.More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Bethany: Then - I don't mean to sound ungrateful - but what are you doing hanging around?
Jay: We're here to pick up chicks.
Bethany: Excuse me?
Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Bethany: What exactly brought you to Illinois?
Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes.
Bethany: "Sixteen Candles" John Hughes?
Jay: You know that guy, too? See, all these movies take place in a small town called Shermer, in Illinois, where all the honies are top-shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies - except for Judd Nelson, he was fuckin' harsh - but best of all, there was no one dealin', man; then, it hits me: we could live like phat rats if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois. So we collected some money we were owed, and we caught a bus. You know what the fuck we found out when we got there? There is no Shermer in Illinois. Movies are fuckin' bullshit.More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar.More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can't wait to die.More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Serendipity: Can you believe it? Me - a muse, for God's sake. I sit down in front of the typewriter, and what do I get? Nothing. Blank page. I can't even write a grocery list.
Bethany: What about what you did with Jay and Silent Bob? You inspired them.
Serendipity: That's the cosmic joke. I can give out a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.More Movie: Dogma  Movie: Dogma  [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
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