Drusus:
You know, you mustn't mind if you dislike me. A mother can't love all her children.

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Drusus:
A man should keep himself clean, not have slaves do it.



Tiberius:
And how's he supposed to scrape his own back?



Drusus:
He gets his brother to do it.



Tiberius:
If he hasn't got a brother?



Drusus:
He gets his son.



Tiberius:
If he hasn't got a son?



Drusus:
Gets his friend.



Tiberius:
And if he hasn't got a friend?



Drusus:
Then he should go and hang himself.



Tiberius:
I've tried it. Better to have a slave scrape your back.

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[On Claudius]



Livia:
That child should have been exposed at birth.

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Senator:
There are those who say you cannot hear properly, you cannot speak properly, and that you've got no experience of government.



Claudius:
And that I am besides half-witted. Senators, it is true that I am hard of hearing, but you will find it is not for want of listening. As for speaking, again, it's true I have an impediment. But isn't what a man says more important than how long he takes to say it? It's true again I have little experience of government. But then, have you more? I at least have lived with the imperial family who has ruled this empire ever since you so spinelessly handed it over to us. I've observed it working more closely than any of you. Is your experience better than that? As for being half-witted, well, what can I say - except that I have survived to middle age with *half* my wits, while thousands have died with *all* of theirs intact. Evidently, *quality* of wits is more important than *quantity*. Senators, I shall do nothing unconstitutional; I shall appear at the next session of the senate where you may confirm me in my position or not as you wish. But if it pleases you not to, explain your reasons to them


[points at the Praetorians]



Claudius:
Not to me.

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[after learning that his execution will soon be ordered]



Quintus Justus:
What am I to do?



Pallas:
What can a dead man do? Go and get buried.

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[reciting a poem for the court]



Minester:
The golden hair that Gala wears is hers/Who would have thought it?/She swears it's hers, and true she swears/For I know where she bought it!

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[reciting another poem]



Minester:
You ask me how my farm can pay/Since little it will bear/It pays me thus: 'Tis far away/And you are never there.

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Messalina:
NO. NOT MY HEAD.

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Caligula:
[Livia is on her deathbed] I hear you're dying, great grandmother.



Livia:
You won't forget your promise, will you?



Caligula:
To make you a goddess? And what makes you think that a filthy, smelly old woman like you could become a goddess? I don't need you anymore, you see, great grandmother. My secret will die with you. You are going to stew in hell for ever and ever. Let me tell you something: Thrasyllus has made another prophecy. Told Tiberius. He said, "One who is going to die soon will become the greatest god the world has ever known. No temples will be dedicated to anyone but him in the whole Roman world, not even to Augustus." Do you know who that one is? Me. *ME*. I shall become the greatest god of all. And I shall look down on you suffering all the torments of hell, and I shall say, "Leave her there. Leave her there forever and ever and ever."


[He kisses her]



Caligula:
Goodbye, great grandmother.

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Claudius:
Why do you allow Caligula to act like that?



Livia:
Because it amuses me. And because he will be the next emperor of Rome.


[Claudius stares]



Livia:
You don't believe me?



Claudius:
If you say so, grandmother. You know I don't concern myself with higher politics. Still, what about Castor? And Caligula has two older brothers.



Livia:
Castor is ill and Thrasyllus says he won't recover. He also says Tiberius will choose Caligula to succeed him.



Claudius:
Why?



Livia:
Vanity. Tiberius wants to be loved, at least after his death if not before. And the best way to ensure that...



Claudius:
Is to have someone worse to follow him. He's certainly no fool.



Livia:
He's the biggest fool in my family. I had always thought that that was you... but I think now I was wrong.

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[first lines]



Claudius:
I, Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus... this, that and the other...

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[to the senate]



Augustus:
I called you all here to talk about the level of opposition to my new law against bachelorism. Do you know what I say? I say: "STOP COMPLAINING AND GET MARRIED."

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[On seeing your ex-spouse in secret]



Livia:
You saw Julia's mother after your divorce.



Augustus:
Yes, but not in secret.



Livia:
Well I don't remember being present...

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[On Marcellus]



Tiberius:
Frankly, I wouldn't have thought you'd care whether he lived or died.



Livia:
Oh I care very much whether he lives or dies.

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Livia:
Tell me, what do you think of Julia?



Tiberius:
Nothing. Why?



Livia:
Nobody could accuse you of being devious. She thinks very well of you.



Tiberius:
What's that supposed to mean.



Livia:
Nothing. She likes you, that's all. Always has.



Tiberius:
Mother, I'm a happily married man. Julia doesn't interest me. She wouldn't interest me even if you hung her naked from the ceiling above my bed.



Livia:
She might even do that if I asked her.

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Marcus Agrippa:
I'm getting a little tired of being taught the arts of war by kids that have only just learned how to piss in a pot.

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[On Livia's plan to have Tiberius marry Julia]



Tiberius:
Anyway, where does all this get us? There's not only Marcellus, there's Agrippa too. And August prefers both of them to me.



Julia:
[Screams off stage] No, NO.



Tiberius:
Ye gods, what's that?



Livia:
It sounds as though there is now only Agrippa

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Julia:
There are hundreds of them on the road. They're coming in from everywhere, Greece, Spain, Gaul, they just keep coming and coming.



Marcellus:
They are the blood of Rome, Julia. The people are what makes Rome what she is.



Julia:
[Laughing] Noisy and uninhabitable.

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[On Marcellus]



Livia:
He's very popular, isn't he?



Julia:
[Proudly] Yes.



Livia:
And with you?



Julia:
Why'd you ask?



Livia:
Well, there are no children yet...



Julia:
There's no issue between you and father, and you've been married for *twenty* years.

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Augustus:
Wait till you see what Marcellus has in store for us. He's got a rhinoceros.



Livia:
What on earth is that?



Augustus:
A remarkable creature. It has a horn on its nose.



Livia:
So has Scipio's wife, he should have used her.

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Herod:
Listen Claudius, let me give you a piece of advice.



Claudius:
Oh, I thought you'd finished giving advice.



Herod:
Well, just one more piece, then I'm done. Trust no one, my friend, no one. Not your most grateful freedman. Not your most intimate friend. Not your dearest child. Not the wife of your bosom. Trust no one.



Claudius:
No one? Not even you?

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Minester:
Permit me to introduce myself. My name is Minester, I'm an actor. Most people have heard of me.



Scylla:
My name is Scylla, and I'm a whore. Everybody's heard of me.

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Scylla:
The difference between you and me, actor, is you're a snob and I'm not. And the difference between this great lady and myself is that my work is her hobby. My hobby happens to be gardening, for which I don't expect to be paid.

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Tiberius:
I will make you my successor, Gaius Caligula. Rome deserves you.



Caligula:
Is that a joke, uncle?



Tiberius:
Not yet, but it will be.

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[to a unruly stadium crowd]



Caligula:
If you only had one neck, I'd hack it through.

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