christians

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christians

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
What the world requires of the Christians is that they should continue to be Christians.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Those of us who were brought up as Christians and have lost our faith have retained the sense of sin without the saving belief in redemption. This poisons our thought and so paralyses us in action.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
If Christians would really live according to the teachings of Christ, as found in the Bible, all of India would be Christian today.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
There were honest people long before there were Christians and there are, God be praised, still honest people where there are no Christians. It could therefore easily be possible that people are Christians because true Christianity corresponds to what they would have been even if Christianity did not exist.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
The early Christian rules of life were not made to last, because the early Christians did not believe that the world itself was going to last.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
There are only two sorts of people in life you can trust -- good Christians and good Communists.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
“Maybe if I could ever be a successful comedian then I could be an example that Christians can also have fun.”More [10/15/2006 12:10:00]
“I don't think Christians can complain because my feeling is: Make your own movies.”More [10/15/2006 12:10:00]
Horton: God help us. What are they?
Bors: Blue demons that eat Christians alive. You're not a Christian, are you?More [04/25/2007 12:04:00]
[after showing brief interviews of devout, smiling Christians]
Narrator: Look at how happy Christians are when they're talking about Jesus. How come I'm not this happy? I wanna be this happy. Of course, those aren't the only faces of Christianity.
[Shows photographs of a wild-eyed Charles Manson, a smirking Pat Robertson, the devout Christian Dena Schlosser who cut off her baby's arms for God, authors Reverend Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, and the burning Branch Davidian compound in Waco, Texas]
Narrator: So I guess it's kind of a mixed bag.More [12/26/2007 12:12:00]
Narrator: For thousands of years, humanity has been obsessed with blood sacrifice. Is it an accident that the story of the crucifixion of Jesus gave Christians a suffering hero, whose flesh they could eat and whose blood they could drink? Of course, Christians today aren't obsessed with blood sacrifice any more.
[Shows clips from various movies of a bloody Jesus being tormented]
Narrator: Oh, well, except that they are.More [12/26/2007 12:12:00]
Narrator: Mel Gibson could have made his Jesus movie any way he wanted to, and he chose to make it this way. And he was right. Christians said, "Yes, this is the film we want."More [12/26/2007 12:12:00]
Narrator: If certain fundamentalist Christians had their way, we would put gay people to death. And you know what? We should do that. We should strap 'em right to this gurney and lethally inject them, because God does hate fags. The real question is why moderate Christians don't agree with God. Because when it comes to His rules, God is not a moderate.More [12/26/2007 12:12:00]
Narrator: You ever notice what a bad rap the Inquisition gets? Even some Christians today think it was a bad idea. But how could it be a bad idea? If the Bible is right, aren't the stakes as high as they can be? If a little suffering here on Earth saves more souls for all eternity, isn't that a good thing? The Inquisition was not a perversion of Christian doctrine. The Inquisition was an expression of Christian doctrine.More [12/26/2007 12:12:00]
[talking about the Village Christian School's policies]
Narrator: In the Handbook, there's a statement of faith. Uh, and, uh, it has seven points, and some of them are: "We believe the Bible to be the inspired, the only infallible, authoritative Word of God." "We believe that there is one God, eternally existent in three persons: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit." "We believe in the resurrection of both the saved and the lost; they that are saved unto the resurrection of life and they that are lost unto the resurrection of damnation." Tell me, what hard scientific evidence do you have that the world works this way?
Ronald G. Sipus: [fidgeting] Well, the mistake that a lot of Christians make is trying to convince people that what they believe spiritually... um... can be proven. Now, first of all, there is a lot of historical evidence that Jesus was who he said he was. There's a lot of historical evidence that proves his resurrection. So, if you want, if you're looking for historical and scientific data that proves whether Jesus was and existed and resurrected, there's evidence that, that, that will produce that. But the fact of the matter is, it's, it is a faith issue.More [12/26/2007 12:12:00]
Comicus: The Christians are so poor...
Swiftus: How poor are they?
Comicus: Thank you. They are so poor... That they only have one God.
[drumbeat, everyone laughs]
Comicus: But we Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that's coming quickly.More [03/16/2008 12:03:00]
Brigham Young:
Indians can't be any worse than some Christians I know. But just the same, until we find a little more about them, we mean to trust in you, Lord, and keep our powder dry.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[on being told the Christians are being blamed for the burning of Rome]



Vinicius:
The people won't believe such a lie!



Petronius:
But they are believing it. People will believe any lie, if it is fantastic enough.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Vinicius:
[as the Christians file into the arena, singing] These people know how to die, Nero. In death you will squeal like a hog!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Emperor Nero:
[as the Christians enter the arena to die] They're singing!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Bud:
Credit is a sacred trust, it's what our free society is founded on. Do you think they give a damn about their bills in Russia? I said, do you think they give a damn about their bills in Russia?



Otto:
They don't pay bills in Russia, it's all free.



Bud:
All free? Free my ass. What are you, a fuckin' commie? Huh?



Otto:
No, I ain't no commie.



Bud:
Well, you better not be. I don't want no commies in my car. No Christians either.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Paul Buchman:
What's the big deal with Valentine's Day? It's a made-up holiday. Nobody even knows who this St. Valentine guy was.



Jamie Buchman:
He was a Roman priest who defended the Christians and was beheaded by Claudius II on February 14, 269 A.D.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Samantha Bee:
But really let's face it, all other days bow down to the 25th: Christmas. It's the only religious holiday that's also a Federal holiday. That way Christians can go to their services and everyone else can stay home and reflect on the true meaning of Separation of Church and State.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Maurine Collier:
I wish they could would make Thanksgiving on a Sunday. Then everyone could go to a service before they eat with their families. It'd be more religious, like it was with the Pilgrims.



Jeremy Collier:
What about the Indians?



Maurine Collier:
Oh, Jeremy, there were no Indians at the first Thanksgiving.



Jeremy Collier:
That's why they have it. The Indians saved the Pilgrims from starvin' to death, so the Pilgrims invited the Indians to share their first harvest feast.



Maurine Collier:
Well, I'm sure the Indians were all Christians by then.



Jeremy Collier:
Oh no, they weren't.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[On how Christians are by nature gamblers]



Oscar:
We bet that there is a God.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Girl Student:
This is America, and we're Christians here - aside from a few Jewish people who were just born that way - and I can tell you one thing: Jesus Christ and his apostles were certainly not into "man-on-man action," which is how they describe it on their porno videos, which, I am proud to say, Blockbuster does not carry. Um, I work there and it's very family...


[pause]



Girl Student:
Plus, that religion John Travolta belongs to.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Daniel Longdale:
Do you think people like the Christians hire us to invite us to their dinner parties? It's our job to clean up their royal messes.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Bill Hicks:
I find it ironic that people who are against sexual thoughts are generally these fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Bill Hicks:
I find it ironic that people who are against things that cause sexual thoughts are generally fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Bill Hicks:
You have to admit, beliefs are odd. A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Bill Hicks:
A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he's gonna want to see a fucking cross?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Eddie:
[about Stonehenge] And the Welsh were helping the druids carve the stones out of the very living mountain! "Fantastic! Building a henge, are we? That's a fantastic idea. It's a marvelous religion the druids have got, yes. A lot of white clothing, I like that." They'd smash out a huge stone and then they'd put tree trunks down to roll it along on..."Help you push 'em along, all right? It's not far, is it?" And the druids going, "Heave, everyone, heave, well done everyone. You're doing very well. You'll love it when you see it, I've seen some of the drawings already, it's very special." After 200 miles, "You fucking bastard! You never told us 200 miles! Two hundred miles in this day and age? I don't even know where I live now!... I wish the Christians would hurry up and get here!" And they set all the stones up and the druids are still tinkering around. "Ok, that stone and this one, can we swap them round?"

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Sylvia Hollamby:
Joan McParlan?


[no-one stands]



Sylvia Hollamby:
... Sister Thomas Moore?


[Sister Thomas stands]



Sylvia Hollamby:
If you think you have the right to call yourself that... been stealing from the poor little black babbies, haven't you? There really isn't anyone you can trust these days.



Sister Thomas More:
If you consider stealing - to be making sure that money raised by generous Christians actually goes direct to the mission it was intended - then I'm guilty as charged. But I'd rather think, that helping the poor and starving of Africa is more important than lining in the pockets of greedy administrators in London.



Sylvia Hollamby:
Don't give me that - embezzlement and theft! You can stand there looking all saintly with your rosary and that gettup... but your worse than a common thief! Using God to cover up your crimes!



Sister Thomas More:
I see you've made your mind up about me and I'm sorry about that, but I'm quite prepared to spend six months of the given sentence if it is God's will. He knows righteousness, and he is the only judge I bow before.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Zach:
Yeah. Dave, you're a Christian. So what? That's cool.



Brian:
It's nothing to hide.



Zach:
Christians can still rock.



Dave:
They can?



Lane:
Yeah, yeah, Dave. Christians can still rock, don't hide it.



Zach:
Marshall Stacks don't know Christians from atheists.



Dave:
Gosh, I just wasn't sure if you guys would be accepting of my devoutness.



Brian:
Dave, it's a part of you, and we think you're cool, so it's cool.



Dave:
Great. Thanks, guys.



Zach:
But no way are we playing Creed, man.



Dave:
Oh, no, of course not.



Zach:
Or Amy Grant. That's where we draw the line.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
I have a plan, it's an interesting plan. It's called a timeshare, like Miami, let's try that. Jews will get Hanukah and Passover, Christians will get Christmas and Easter, and Muslims will get Ramadan and that other holiday, Kaboom. Now... obviously, the people in the lawyers section for HBO are going "Oh, fuck off. What are you doing, you asshole."

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
I think most non-Christians who try to be good people are probably better Christians than Christians.More [08/02/2011 06:08:37]
Are Christians too stupid that we can't write a script, we can't film a movie OR we don't know how to act?More [08/07/2011 03:08:38]
Maybe if I could ever be a successful comedian then I could be an example that Christians can also have fun.More [08/07/2011 03:08:07]
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.More [08/15/2011 07:08:56]
The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country.More [08/22/2011 10:08:49]
I've got news for you: There are going to be people other than Christians in the hereafter. What are you going to do about it? Are you not going to go?More [09/10/2011 04:09:05]
It's okay for Christians throughout centuries to exterminate races and for their priests to rape little kids throughout decades, but trying to give the people the power to think and be individual, that's evil?More [09/14/2011 05:09:42]
The God of the Christians is a father who makes much of his apples, and very little of his children.More [09/21/2011 04:09:52]
If there are Muslims who believe that they've got to kill Christians to make a way for the Islamic faith in the West, not only would they be disappointed, but it will lead to conflict, there's no doubt about that.More [09/26/2011 12:09:55]
The Gods have proclaimed Christ to have been most pious, but the Christians are a confused and vicious sect.More [10/11/2011 09:10:49]
Jews have God's promise and if we Christians have it, too, then it is only as those chosen with them, as guests in their house, that we are new wood grafted onto their tree.More [10/11/2011 10:10:09]
See how these Christians love one another.More [10/18/2011 01:10:16]
The more you mow us down, the more numerous we grow; the blood of Christians is seed.More [10/18/2011 01:10:08]
If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next.More [12/04/2011 04:12:40]
It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this.More [12/04/2011 04:12:47]
I want to love all the children of God - Christian, Jew, Moslem, Hindu, Buddhist - everyone. I want to love gay Christians and straight Christians.More [04/19/2012 08:04:57]
It is tragic that many in America think of us - Christians - as being people who hate others.More [04/19/2012 08:04:30]
Alot of people don't know what we're about, our lyrics deal with alot of life's issues but because we're all Christians we deal with life issues on a different level.More [05/04/2012 12:05:12]
We all grew up in Christians homes and had a good upbringing.More [06/14/2012 02:06:57]
TOPE, v. To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. In the individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but toping nations are in the forefront of civilization and power. When pitted against the hard-drinking Christians the absemious Mahometans go down like grass before the scythe. In India one hundred thousand beef- eating and brandy-and-soda guzzling Britons hold in subjection two hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryan race. With what an easy grace the whisky-loving American pushed the temperate Spaniard out of his possessions! From the time when the Berserkers ravaged all the coasts of western Europe and lay drunk in every conquered port it has been the same way: everywhere the nations that drink too much are observed to fight rather well and not too righteously. Wherefore the estimable old ladies who abolished the canteen from the American army may justly boast of having materially augmented the nation's military power.More [07/09/2012 07:07:54]
I realised that God has placed Christians everywhere, to support each other, to support the needy in those areas, and that is the thing that I find is a great plus.More [08/26/2012 03:08:54]
It is important to have a circle of Christians friends, which I do have.More [08/26/2012 03:08:04]
The only advice I would give Christians entering the world of arts: give yourself a period of time, maybe three or four years. If you haven't made it in your chosen art form, dump it.More [08/26/2012 03:08:16]

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Quotes of the month

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