airplane

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airplane

Of all the inventions that have helped to unify China perhaps the airplane is the most outstanding. Its ability to annihilate distance has been in direct proportion to its achievements in assisting to annihilate suspicion and misunderstanding among provincial officials far removed from one another or from the officials at the seat of government.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
If we did not have such a thing as an airplane today, we would probably create something the size of N.A.S.A. to make one.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Tyler Durden: Did you know that if you mix equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate you can make napalm?
Narrator: No, I did not know that; is that true?
Tyler Durden: That's right... One could make all kinds of explosives, using simple household items.
Narrator: Really...?
Tyler Durden: If one were so inclined.
Narrator: Tyler, you are by far the most interesting single-serving friend I've ever met... see I have this thing: everything on a plane is single-serving...
Tyler Durden: Oh I get it, it's very clever.
Narrator: Thank you.
Tyler Durden: How's that working out for you?
Narrator: What?
Tyler Durden: Being clever.
Narrator: Great.
Tyler Durden: Keep it up then... Right up.
[Gets up from airplane seat]
Tyler Durden: Now a question of etiquette; as I pass, do I give you the ass or the crotch...?More [09/07/2005 12:09:00]
Xander Cage: [waking up on an airplane talking to two guys next to him] Been to any good diners lately?More [10/20/2005 12:10:00]
Arliss Lipnicki: Where'd you get all them ice creams from, anyhow?
Billy Lipnicki: A big airplane just dropped 'em outta tha sky!
Ebb Lipnicki: If you don't honest up, Billy, we're gonna scrub you down with lipstick so everyone thinks you got diaper rash, how 'bout it?
Billy Lipnicki: Nuh-uh!
Leo Lipnicki: Yes-huh! And after that, we're gonna shave your head bald as a witch's tit!
Billy Lipnicki: I ain't gonna look like no witch's tit!
Leo Lipnicki: Yes you will if you don't hurry up and tell us.
Billy Lipnicki: Well you can cut off every hair on my head, but I ain't tellin' you ding-diddly-ding-diddly-ding-dang-dong!More [11/26/2005 12:11:00]
That's the interesting thing about becoming a father. Suddenly you universally have something in common with other people. I can be sitting next to a very straight, humorless businessman or stockbroker type on an airplane and we'll just start talking about kids. And that conversation last three or four hours.More [05/19/2006 12:05:00]
Television Reporter: Is there a specific instance in an airplane emergency when you can recall fear?
Jim Lovell: Uh well, I'll tell ya, I remember this one time - I'm in a Banshee at night in combat conditions, so there's no running lights on the carrier. It was the Shrangri-La, and we were in the Sea of Japan and my radar had jammed, and my homing signal was gone... because somebody in Japan was actually using the same frequency. And so it was - it was leading me away from where I was supposed to be. And I'm lookin' down at a big, black ocean, so I flip on my map light, and then suddenly: zap. Everything shorts out right there in my cockpit. All my instruments are gone. My lights are gone. And I can't even tell now what my altitude is. I know I'm running out of fuel, so I'm thinking about ditching in the ocean. And I, I look down there, and then in the darkness there's this uh, there's this green trail. It's like a long carpet that's just laid out right beneath me. And it was the algae, right? It was that phosphorescent stuff that gets churned up in the wake of a big ship. And it was - it was - it was leading me home. You know? If my cockpit lights hadn't shorted out, there's no way I'd ever been able to see that. So uh, you, uh, never know... what... what events are to transpire to get you home.More [04/08/2007 12:04:00]
[on an airplane to Seattle]
Nervous Woman on Airplane: Don't you just hate flying?
Annie Reed: Yes, I do, and I just told the most terrible one to the man I'm about to marry. Do you feel that any lie is a betrayal?
[pause]
Nervous Woman on Airplane: I said FLYING.More [04/08/2007 12:04:00]
Raoul Duke: [passing the real Hunter S. Thompson as an extra at the Jefferson Airplane party] There I was... Mother of God, there I am!More [06/12/2007 12:06:00]
John Valentine: [Just saw the weird creature on the wing of the plane] There's a man on the wing of this plane!
[Everyone looks out the windows on his side. But the creature has disappeared]
John Valentine: There was somebody out there. You gotta believe me!
Old Woman: I saw him. Green and slimy.
Old Man: Leave the poor man alone.
Old Woman: I'm only trying to help. You've got to deal with him.
John Valentine: It was lightning. At first I thought it was animal. Some kind of bird or something. But it was a man! There were flames coming out of the engine, and a flash of smoke. Maybe it was a technician who was caught on the side of the plane when it took off. How could he survive out there? The air's so thin, the blast of the wind. It's so cold.
[Begins to think it was only his imagination and feels embarrassed]
John Valentine: It's impossible, isn't it? Oh my god, I feel so stupid!
[Takes sedatives to sleep. Then laughs nervously]
John Valentine: Can you imagine? A naked man crawling along the wing of an airplane at 35,000 feet?More [06/23/2007 12:06:00]
Tod Waggner: Alex. Let's go take a shit.
Alex Browning: Take a shit by yourself.
Tod Waggner: No, dude. Listen okay. Listen. Take some knowledge. We're about to board a seven-hour flight. The toilets in coach are barely ventilated closets. Alright, if that. Now lets say half way through the flight, right, your body wants that airplane food out. You got to go torque a wicked cable. Then directly after you, walks in Christa or Blake.
[Alex and Tod look at Christa and Blake, who are sitting down reading magazines]
Tod Waggner: You want them to associate you with that watery sting in their eye? That reflexive gag at the back of their throat?More [06/25/2007 12:06:00]
Al Czervik: [after an airplane passes just above his head] I almost got head from Amelia Earhart!More [07/05/2007 12:07:00]
[after McClane is locked inside the airplane cockpit]
Col. Stuart: McClane? I assume it's you, McClane. You're quite the little soldier. You can consider this a military funeral.
[his troops open fire on the cockpit]More [09/04/2007 12:09:00]
[after triggering an airplane crash; into the radio]
Col. Stuart: That concludes our object lesson for this evening. If the 747 we've requested is ready on time and General Esperanza's plane arrives unmolested, further lessons can be avoided. Out.More [09/04/2007 12:09:00]
Thorpey: Here. Take this, it's free. Alaska Airlines, first class.
[Thorpey gives Jack Carter an airplane ticket]
Jack Carter: Who am I suppose to thank for that?
Thorpey: Just make sure you get on that plane. Tonight!
[Jack Carter throws the ticket away]
Jack Carter: [laughing] Whatever they pay, it ain't gonna be enough.More [12/10/2007 12:12:00]
[only shown on TV Version]
Elliot Hopper: [in airplane bathroom] What are you doing here?
Sir Edith Moser: Flying to London.
Elliot Hopper: Why did you call me?
Sir Edith Moser: I said I'd be calling you again.
Elliot Hopper: But I'm at work!
Sir Edith Moser: [yells] I can't believe it! All you want to do it go back!
Elliot Hopper: Yes! Send me back now! Look, if you need to see me so bad, send me an invitation, call me up on the phone, or just come over to my house. But just don't *whoosh* me around any more!More [12/16/2007 12:12:00]
Michael: You have to answer for Santino, Carlo. You fingered Sonny for the Barzini people.
Carlo Rizzi: Mike, you got it all wrong.
Michael: Ah, that little farce you played with my sister. You think that would fool a Corleone?
Carlo Rizzi: Mike, I'm innocent. I swear on the kids.
Michael: Sit down.
Carlo Rizzi: Please don't do this to me, Mike. Please don't.
Michael: Barzini is dead. So is Phillip Tattallgia. Moe Green. Slacci. Cuneo. Today I settled all family business so don't tell me that you're innocent. Admit what you did.
[Carlo starts sobbing]
Michael: Get him a drink. Don't be afraid, Carlo. Come on, you think I'd make my sister a widow? I'm Godfather to your son.
[Carlo get handed a drink]
Michael: Go ahead. Drink. Drink. No, you're out of the family business, that's your punishment. You're finished. I'm putting you on a plane to Vegas. Tom?
[Tom hands Michael an airplane ticket]
Michael: I want you to stay there, you understand?
[Carlo nods]
Michael: Only don't tell me that you're innocent. Because it insults my intelligence and it makes me very angry. Now, who approached you first? Barzini or Tattalgia?
Carlo Rizzi: It was Barzini.
Michael: Good. There's a car outside that will take you to the airport. I'll call your wife and tell her what flight you're on.
Carlo Rizzi: Listen, Mike...
Michael: Go on. Get out of my sight.More [12/26/2007 12:12:00]
Pussy Galore: [pointing a gun at Bond, who has just emerged from the airplane lavatory] We'll be landing in twenty minutes. Do you want to play it easy, or the hard way? And this isn't a tranquilizer gun.
James Bond: Now, Pussy, you know a lot more about planes than guns. That's a Smith and Wesson 45, and if you fire at me at this close range, the bullet will pass through me and the fuselage like a blowtorch through butter. The cabin will depressurize, and we'll both be sucked into outer space together. If that's how you want to enter the United States, you're welcome. As for me, I prefer the easy way.
Pussy Galore: That's very sensible.
James Bond: Besides, there's always so much going on around Mr. Goldfinger. It would be a shame not to accept his hospitality.
Pussy Galore: I'm sure he'll be happy to see you, too.
[touches the gun barrel to his chin]
Pussy Galore: You like close shaves, don't you?More [12/28/2007 12:12:00]
Captain Hook: [over the airplane intercom] Hello Ladies and Gentlemen this is your Captain speaking...More [03/26/2008 12:03:00]
[as they jump out of an airplane one by one]
Harbinger: Geronimo!
Rabinowitz: Geronimo!
Geronimo: Me!More [03/30/2008 12:03:00]
Louis: [Louis and Charlie are in an airplane restroom together and find out that the envelope is full of money] Check this out!
Charlie: Hey, you're not supposed to open this.
Louis: Hey, man, that's like fifty grand in there.
Charlie: Oh my god! Something doesn't smell right here. Look at it!
Louis: I know! I'm looking! I've never seen so much green in one little brown package.
Charlie: And now it's in my hands. Aw, it slipped out!
Louis: Ohhh!
Charlie: Here, help me scoop it up.
Louis: Oh, this is one big load.
Charlie: What a mess!
Louis: Just want to roll around in it!
Charlie: Hand me the rest of the pile.
Louis: Can I hold it?
Charlie: No! Dump it in the envelope!
Louis: Maybe we should just flush it.
Charlie: We're not gonna flush it. I'm gonna put it in my pocket, leave this room, and take it to Australia.
Louis: If you're gonna do that, give it here! Let me kiss it for good luck.
Charlie: You're not gonna kiss it. It's bad enough you touched it!
Louis: Charlie, before you put it away, can I at least smell it?
Charlie: Maybe later.More [05/21/2008 12:05:00]
Game Show Announcer: Guard number one is a senior on Klahn's mountain, and aspires to be a research chemist. Welcome, please, Hung Well! Guard number two is a real skating buff. A warm welcome for Long Wang! Traveling comes naturally to guard number three, as he's a licensed airplane pilot. Welcome, please, Enormous Genitals!More [05/25/2008 12:05:00]
[to some kids who keep bumping his airplane seat]
Detective John Kimble: Hey, come here.
[he beckons a kid with one finger, while holding a pencil in the other]
Detective John Kimble: If you don't stop screwing around back there, this is what I'm gonna do with you.
[he snaps the pencil in two with his thumb. The kid sits back, wide-eyed]More [06/02/2008 12:06:00]
Lemony Snicket: This would be an excellent time to walk out of the theater, living room, or airplane where this film is being shown.More [07/15/2008 12:07:00]
A Jewish Barber:
I'm sorry, but I don't want to be an emperor. That's not my business. I don't want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone if possible; Jew, Gentile, black man, white. We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other's happiness, not by each other's misery. We don't want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone, and the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way. Greed has poisoned men's souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge as made us cynical; our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery, we need humanity. More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost. The airplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men; cries out for universal brotherhood; for the unity of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world, millions of despairing men, women, and little children, victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people. To those who can hear me, I say, do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed, the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish. Soldiers! Don't give yourselves to brutes, men who despise you, enslave you; who regiment your lives, tell you what to do, what to think and what to feel! Who drill you, diet you, treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don't give yourselves to these unnatural men - machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines, you are not cattle, you are men! You have the love of humanity in your hearts! You don't hate! Only the unloved hate; the unloved and the unnatural. Soldiers! Don't fight for slavery! Fight for liberty! In the seventeenth chapter of St. Luke, it is written that the kingdom of God is within man, not one man nor a group of men, but in all men! In you! You, the people, have the power, the power to create machines, the power to create happiness! You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure. Then in the name of democracy, let us use that power. Let us all unite. Let us fight for a new world, a decent world that will give men a chance to work, that will give youth a future and old age a security. By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power. But they lie! They do not fulfill that promise. They never will! Dictators free themselves but they enslave the people. Now let us fight to fulfill that promise. Let us fight to free the world! To do away with national barriers! To do away with greed, with hate and intolerance! Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men's happiness. Soldiers, in the name of democracy, let us all unite! Hannah, can you hear me? Wherever you are, look up Hannah! The clouds are lifting! The sun is breaking through! We are coming out of the darkness into the light! We are coming into a new world; a kindlier world, where men will rise above their hate, their greed, and brutality. Look up, Hannah! The soul of man has been given wings and at last he is beginning to fly. He is flying into the rainbow! Into the light of hope, into the future! The glorious future, that belongs to you, to me and to all of us. Look up, Hannah. Look up!



Mr. Jaeckel:
Hannah, did you hear that?



Hannah:
Listen...

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Gene admires the sleek airplane he and Frog will soon board]



Gene Autry:
Sure is pretty!



Frog Milhouse:
Ain't as pretty as horse, and when you ride a horse you don't have as far to fall.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[in order to get a free airplane ride, Patsy has convinced the airline employees that she and Gene are newlyweds]



Stewardess:
She's such a happy little bride!



Frog Milhouse:
Can't I leave you alone for three minutes?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Frog Milhouse:
Are you sure this airplane is safe?



Airline Ticket Clerk:
If it's not, you get your money back.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[John Davis is trying to get other airplane passengers to leave behind their luggage so he can take one of the children on the flight]



Japanese statesman:
Oh, so sorry - but that would mean leaving my confidential files. Also, I must be back in Tokyo by early December


[the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941]

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Brig. Gen. Frank Savage:
I take it you don't really care about the part you had in breaking one of the best men you'll ever know. Add to it that as Air Exec you were automatically in command the moment Colonel Davenport left - and you met that responsibility exactly as you met his need: you ran out on it. You left the station to get drunk. Gately, as far as I'm concerned, you're yellow. A traitor to yourself, to this group, to the uniform you wear. It would be the easiest course for me to transfer you out, to saddle some unsuspecting guy with a deadbeat. Maybe you think that's what you're gonna get out of this, a free ride in some combat unit. But I'm not gonna pass the buck. I'm gonna keep you right here. I hate a man like you so much that I'm gonna get your head down in the mud and tramp on it. I'm gonna make you wish you'd never been born.



Lt. Col. Ben R. Gately:
If that's all, sir...



Brig. Gen. Frank Savage:
I'm just getting started. You're gonna stay right here and get a bellyful of flying. You're gonna make every mission. You're not air exec anymore. You're just an airplane commander. And I want you to paint this name on the nose of your ship: Leper Colony. Because in it you're gonna get every deadbeat in the outfit. Every man with a penchant for head colds. If there's a bombardier who can't hit his plate with his fork, you get him. If there's a navigator who can't find the men's room, you get him. Because you rate him.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Theodore Honey:
I think I know more about this than either you or the captain. I think I know what's going to happen, and if it does happen, at this altitude ther'ell be a little less than three minutes before we hit the water. Now there's one place in this airplane where a personmight stand a chance to survive that impact. Come with me. Now at the first sign of trouble, go in here and sit on the floor with your back against the partition. This partition is very rigid because the stove here is bolted to the floor. I tried to tell Miss Teasdale that because I felt I owed her something.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Gil Bates:
Hey, you know who this guy is? I've just been going through his papers. Sir Halsey Hopewell. Oh, excuse me, ah, 'The Sir Halsey Hopewell'. One of the worlds great airplane builders and designers, worth 10 million dollars. Honored by 6 Governments. Yeah, we got ourselves a real prize here.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
'Ratbags' Crow:
Sometimes I wonder how you chaps never won the war.



Heinrich Dorfmann:
War?



'Ratbags' Crow:
[making sputtering sounds like an airplane and gesturung to suggest a plane flying in a mocking fashion]



Heinrich Dorfmann:
[trying not to respond in kind] I wasn't involved.



'Ratbags' Crow:
[makes a sound like a machine gun, falls down on the sand, and rolls over] That's it then! That's why they never won!



'Ratbags' Crow:
[in a mocking tone] They didn't have old Heinrich!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Peter Marshall:
You're in an airplane and you've developed engine trouble. What do you traditionally say over the radio?



Buddy Hackett:
"What the f*ck am I doing here?"

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Villa has ordered Fierro to ride in the airplane to prevent Lee from flying away]



Rodolfo Fierro:
No.



Pancho Villa:
What do you mean, "No"?



Rodolfo Fierro:
I mean "No".



Pancho Villa:
Why not?



Rodolfo Fierro:
Because! Because... Because I don't think he is a good pilot!



Pancho Villa:
Hmmm... You are probably right. But it doesn't matter. If he is no good, you shoot him and fly it yourself.



Rodolfo Fierro:
Me?



Pancho Villa:
Of course! Any child could fly one of these things.



Rodolfo Fierro:
You could fly it?



Pancho Villa:
Of course.



Rodolfo Fierro:
Fly it.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Joe Browdy:
We'll be jumping from a Howard DGA-15. "DGA": that stands for "Damn Good Airplane", which if course it is. Very tricky to land though. Heh heh. You're much better off jumping out if it than you are taking a chance on landing in it. This one's in good shape.



Malcolm Webson:
To Browdy, a airplane is in good shape if it has wings and a prop.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Lincoln Tower:
Mobil 1. Ground Control.



Mel Bakersfeld:
Yes Doug. This is Mel.



Lincoln Tower:
Cleveland just handed off flight two to Chicago Center. The transmissions from the aircraft aren't exactly regulation. The captain's blowing a fuse.



Mel Bakersfeld:
I'd like to monitor. What's the frequency?



Lincoln Tower:
117.1.



Capt. Vernon Demerest:
We need answers! Not questions. Are you guys sleeping down there? Why aren't we getting any action? We need help!



Chicago Center:
Global 2. This is the Chicago Center watch supervisor. Please understand we're doing everything we can. We're holding other traffic and giving you priority. What type of approach do you wish?



Capt. Vernon Demerest:
Chicago Supervisor listen carefully! Any approach is no damn good if it lands on runway 2-2. We need 2-niner. We've got an unservicable stabilizer trim. Doubtful rudder control and structural damage. If we're brought in on 2-2 there'll be a broken airplane and a lot of dead people. So you call Lincoln, mister, and turn the screws and tell that Lincoln airport manager to get off his penguin butt and clear that runway!



Mel Bakersfeld:
Snowdesk, Mobil 1. Danny, listen carefully. Break the conga line. Send the heavy plows across to runway 2-niner. They're to head for stuck airplane and to wait instruction.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Joseph Patroni, Jr.:
Look Mom there's another airplane out there!



Mrs. Patroni:
Where?



Joseph Patroni, Jr.:
Right out there!



Mrs. Patroni:
Oh my god there is...



Joseph Patroni, Jr.:
It's an airforce jet.



Joseph Patroni, Jr.:
He's probably checking the damage. He's going to help us.



Mrs. Patroni:
He is.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Foxy Brown:
I ain't never been up in an airplane before, sounds really marvelous.



Hays:
You ain't never been? Awww, that's a tragedy of the greatest dimension.



Foxy Brown:
I'd sure like to though, I figured if I hung around a while, maybe one of you would take me up.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Miss Moneypenny:
Why are you so late, James?



James Bond:
I fell out of an airplane without a parachute. Who's in there?



Miss Moneypenny:
Q and the Minister of Defense.



James Bond:
You don't believe me do you?



Miss Moneypenny:
No.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Radio DJ:
This is WZAZ in Chicago, where disco lives forever...


[the airplane zooms overhead the building, knocking the radio antenna down, and the signal goes dead]

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Gorodish:
Some get high on airplane glue... detergents... fancy gimmicks. My satori is this: Zen in the art of buttering bread!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Russell Ziskey:
John, do you think I'm officer material?



John Winger:
God, I'm worried about you.



Russell Ziskey:
Come on! I'm in good shape, I'm walking tall, I'm looking good. First weekend in Europe.



John Winger:
Yeah. We're spending it in an airplane hangar... guarding a truck!



Russell Ziskey:
We've got each other.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
John Valentine:
[just saw the weird creature on the wing of the plane] There's a man on the wing of this plane!


[Everyone looks out the windows on his side. But the creature has disappeared]



John Valentine:
There was somebody out there. You gotta believe me!



Old Woman:
I saw him. Green and slimy.



Old Man:
Leave the poor man alone.



Old Woman:
I'm only trying to help. You've got to humor them.



John Valentine:
It was lightning. At first I thought it was animal. Some kind of bird or something. But it was a man! There were flames coming out of the engine, and a flash of smoke. Maybe it was a technician who was caught on the side of the plane when it took off. How could he survive out there? The air's so thin, the blast of the wind. It's so cold.


[begins to think it was only his imagination and feels embarrassed]



John Valentine:
It's impossible, isn't it? Oh my god, I feel so stupid!


[takes sedatives to sleep. Then laughs nervously]



John Valentine:
Can you imagine? A naked man crawling along the wing of an airplane at 35,000 feet?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Crow T. Robot:
What is this, the airplane of Dr. Caligari?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Roger:
You know, someday, you're going to have to start reading something other than airplane manuals.



Dan:
Okay, Great Wizard of the Book.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Surfer:
You're about to jump out a perfectly good airplane Jonny, how do you feel about that?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Al Haynes:
We must have taken out all the hydraulics lines at once, is that possible?



Bill Records:
Well, they all come together back there.



Al Haynes:
Get on the yoke with me, will you? I don't know if it's doing any good or not, but it's all we got. You need to handle the number three throttles too. I can't handle them both. Dudley, what does the manual say?



Dudley Dvorak:
See page I-63.



United Airlines Maintenance:
232, systems maintenance. Understand you have normal power on number one and number three engine?



Al Haynes:
Maintenance, 232, affirmative. We need help on loss of all, repeat, all hydraulic systems. What have you got, Dudley?



Dudley Dvorak:
[frantically] Main bus, main backup, the hell! It doesn't say anything about all three out! It's not supposed to happen!



Al Haynes:
Minneapolis Center, United 232 Heavy.



Minneapolis Center:
232, go ahead.



Al Haynes:
Sir, we have a problem. We have no hydraulic fluid, which means we have no elevator control, almost none. We have a little aileron control. We're trying to steer with throttles only. I have serious doubts about reaching destination. Do you know someplace nearby where we might be able to land? If I don't take control of this airplane soon, I'll have to put her down wherever she happens to be.



Minneapolis Center:
232, Roger. Standby one.


[pause]



United Airlines Maintenance:
232, systems maintenance. You might try flight manual, page I-63.



Dudley Dvorak:
I'm on I-63!



Minneapolis Center:
232 Heavy, Minneapolis Center. Do you wish to declare an emergency?



Al Haynes:
Yes, Sir! That is affirmative. We'd appreciate all the help we can get.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Leroy:
He came at me like an airplane or something!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Paul Leger:
How would I die when I'm 35? How would I die? I'll tell you how I'd die. I'd take off all my clothes and I'd get into a bathtub filled with ice-cold vodka. I'd have a TV in the room with me and I'd be watching "North by Northwest." And just when the scene comes with the airplane I'd pull the TV in the bathtub and I'd shock myself! I hate that film.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
J.T. Barker:
Do you think that jerk Roy do a better job raising your boy than you?



Karen McCoy:
At least Roy is his father. At least he has a chance of a normal life with him...



J.T. Barker:
Normal? What's not normal about getting on an airplane with your mam and go down to Rio with 3 million bucks?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Phil Brickman:
I wrap the cake up in my vomit bag, and Voila!... Breakfast!



Phil Brickman:
[Pounding the Airplane Tray Table] Conservation, Managing resources... that is the key to Baseball.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Linus Larrabee:
So, that really is a beautiful name. How did you get it?



Sabrina:
My father's reading. It's in a poem.



Linus Larrabee:
Oh?



Sabrina:
"Sabrina fair, listen where thou art sitting under the glassy, cool, translucent wave, in twisted braids of lilies knitting the loose train of thy amber-dropping hair."



Sabrina:
[laughs to herself] It's an incredible airplane - it's beautiful. I've never seen anything like it.



Linus Larrabee:
Ah, yes.


[returns to reading his work papers]



Sabrina:
Don't you ever look out the window?



Linus Larrabee:
When do I have time?



Sabrina:
What happened to all that time we saved taking the helicopter?



Linus Larrabee:
[lightheartedly] I'm storing it up.



Sabrina:
[seriously] No, you're not.



Linus Larrabee:
[pause] So, your little poem - what does it mean?



Sabrina:
It's the story of a water sprite who saved a virgin from a fate worse than death.



Linus Larrabee:
And Sabrina's the virgin.



Sabrina:
[quietly] Sabrina's the savior.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Narrator:
You are entering the realm which is unusual. Maybe it's magic or contains some kind of monster. The second one. Prepare to enter... The Scary Door. Please send a man 'round back and pick up Clyde Smith, a professional gambler who's about to have an unfortunate accident.



Clyde Smith:
[Smith is run over by a car, then awakes in a casino. He plays the slot machine and wins] Ha-ha-ha! A casino where I'm winning? That car must've killed me. I must be in heaven!


[wins again]



Clyde Smith:
A casino where I always win. That's boring. I must really be... in HELL!



Sebastian Cabot:
No, Mr. Smith. You are not in heaven or hell. You are on an airplane!


[unrolls the curtains, revealing the airplane windows. A creature sits on the wing of the plane, ripping wires out of it]



Clyde Smith:
There's a gremlin destroying the plane. You gotta believe me!



Sebastian Cabot:
Why should I believe you? You're Hitler!


[Pulls out a mirror. Clyde's reflection indeed looks like Hitler]



Clyde Smith:
No!


[turns to a woman sitting next to him]



Clyde Smith:
Eva Braun! Help me!


[the woman pulls off a mask, revealing the head of a fly]



Clyde Smith:
A-a-ah!



Bender:
Saw it coming.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Indiana Jones:
What is this?



Charles Nungesser:
It's the parachute.



Indiana Jones:
A parachute? What's it for?



Charles Nungesser:
Didn't they tell you? That is how our spies are dropped behind enemy lines



Indiana Jones:
What?



Charles Nungesser:
You jump out of the airplane with it.



Indiana Jones:
I'm not gonna ...



Charles Nungesser:
It's the latest experimental model. Small enough to wear on your back. Now. Just climb aboard and sit down.



Indiana Jones:
I have a bad feeling about this.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Buddy:
[taking off Carl's fake women's eyelashes] What'd you put these on with, airplane glue?



Carl Banks:
Ouch! How do I look?



Buddy:
Like a movie star.



Carl Banks:
Yeah, which one?



Buddy:
Ever see Nightmare on Elm Street?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Bubbles is playing drums, Buttercup on bass, and Blossom on lead guitar]



Bubbles:
[singing] Open your eyes and take in every thing that you see. Look at all the colors, red yellow blue and green. We can take an airplane and fly across the world. Look down upon the colors come on everybody lets go! Because...



Girls:
[singing] Love, Love, love lalalove, lalalove, makes the world go round. Love, Love, love lalalove, lalalove, makes the world go round.



Bubbles:
[singing] Open your ears and listen what the world has to say. Hear the birds and bells and you will have a brighter day. Everyone has a special song, deep inside their heart. If you want to sing with us, it's a perfect place to start.


[Blossom plays a guitar lead]



Buttercup:
[singing] Love love love lalalove, lalalove makes the world go round.



Bubbles:
[singing] You cant hurt me with the things that you do, I'll pick up dandilions and I'll give 'em to you.



Blossom:
[singing] Puppy dogs, kitty cats swimming in love.



Girls:
[singing] Love, Love, love lalalove, lalalove, makes the world go round. Love, Love, love lalalove, lalalove, makes the world go round.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Peter Griffin:
Lois, I can't find my favorite pair of underwear.



Lois:
Which one? The one where you ripped hole in it from when you got stuck in that airplane bathroom from when you got the trots?



Peter Griffin:
No, I'm looking for the pair from when I had to hold it in because it was that extra long Palm Sunday service and I thought blowing gas would offend Jesus so I let it rip in the vestibule after service and it sounded like Louie Armstrong.



Lois Griffin:
Top drawer.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Bob Allman:
[the airplane shakes] Are you doing that?



The Devil:
No, no. Turbulence is no good to me - everybody prays.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
George Carlin:
As soon as they close the door to the aircraft, that's when they begin the Safety Lecture. I love the safety lecture! This is my favorite part of the airplane ride! I listen very carefully to the safety lecture, especially that part where they teach us how to use the seatbelts! Imagine this: here we are, a plane full of grown human beings... many of us partially educated, and they're actually taking time out to describe the intricate workings of a belt buckle!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]

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