taxes

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taxes

Friends and neighbors, the taxes are indeed very heavy, and if those laid on by the government were the only ones we had to pay, we might more easily discharge them; but we have many others, and much more grievous to some of us. We are taxed twice as much by our idleness, three times as much by our pride, and four times as much by our folly; and from these taxes the commissioners cannot ease or deliver us by allowing abatement.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
The contented and economically comfortable have a very discriminating view of government. Nobody is ever indignant about bailing out failed banks and failed savings and loans associations. But when taxes must be paid for the lower middle class and poor, the government assumes an aspect of wickedness.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
The promise of yesterday are the taxes of today.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
The rope by which the great blocks of taxes are attached to any citizenry is simple loyalty.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Death and taxes are unsolved engineering problemsMore [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Indoors or out, no one relaxes in March, that month of wind and taxes, the wind will presently disappear, the taxes last us all the year.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
The world is ruled by butterflies adding to their weapon piles. Imagine what your taxes buy. We hardly ever try.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
When it comes to finances, remember that there are no withholding taxes on the wages of sin.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
It took me most of the early 70s, from 1970 -1975 to pay off the taxes I owed on the money I made from The Monkees.More [11/08/2006 12:11:00]
To impose taxes when the public exigencies require them is an obligation of the most sacred character, especially with a free people.More [10/09/2007 12:10:00]
“You can't fight a war in Iraq that's costing upwards of $200 billion and rebuild New Orleans ? and try to deal with all of the other domestic needs that we have and then cut taxes for the wealthiest 1% of Americans, ... Face the Nation.”More [02/14/2008 12:02:00]
My son was killed in 2004. I am not paying my taxes for 2004. You killed my son, George Bush, and I don't owe you a penny.More [03/27/2008 12:03:00]
To say that people would cease to come to California if they would have to pay more taxes is to underestimate the advantages of being in California - mightily.More [05/14/2008 12:05:00]
Col. Boyer: At ease, Captain. You know Major Cotton. That is Major Warren. Take a seat. Now, what is this we hear? That you have agreed to cancel the tax of the farmers in Champaner if they beat you in a game of cricket? Is this true?
Capt. Russell: Yes, Colonel Boyer, sir, it is.
Col. Boyer: What on earth do you think you're here for? To play games?
Maj. Warren: Let me remind you that you are working here for Her Majesty, the Queen. Your job is to ensure the smooth running of your province.
Capt. Russell: Pardon me, sir, but that's exactly what I'm doing.
Maj. Cotton: I think we'll be the judge of that, Russell! We also understand that if you lose this so-called match, you will cancel their taxes for the next three years.
Maj. Warren: Not just Champaner but the entire province.
Capt. Russell: But they won't win.
Maj. Warren: You're missing the whole bloody point! Do you realize, Captain Russell, that we could have on our hands a bloody situation where there'll be cricket matches happening all over the damn sub-continent in order to cancel the bloody tax?
Capt. Russell: There is one thing you don't know. If they lose, which they will, they will have to pay the Queen three times the tax.
Maj. Cotton: This is ridiculous! This OFFICER wants to make the government a bookie through which he can place his wagers! What'll you have us do next? Race horses?
Col. Boyer: This is the most preposterous idea I have ever heard of! Now jolly well understand this: if you win, you will have had a narrow escape. But if you lose, YOU will pay the taxes for Champaner and the entire province OUT OF YOUR OWN POCKET! And then you'll be packed off to Central Africa! Is that clear?
Capt. Russell: Yes, Sir!
Col. Boyer: That'll be all. You may go.More [06/26/2008 12:06:00]
Eleanor: And that's to be the king.
Prince Geoffrey: And I'm to be his Chancellor. Has he told you? John will rule the country, while I run it. That is to say he gets to spend the taxes that I raise.
Eleanor: How nice for you.
Prince Geoffrey: It's not as nice as being king.
Henry II: We've made you Duke of Brittany, is that so little?
Prince Geoffrey: No one ever thinks of crown and mentions Geoff, why is that?
Henry II: Isn't being chancellor power enough?
Prince Geoffrey: It's not the power I feel deprived of; it's the mention I miss. There's no affection for me here; you wouldn't think I'd want that, would you.
Prince Geoffrey: [He leaves the room]More [07/25/2008 12:07:00]
Prosecutor:
Something must be done! War would mean a prohibitive increase in our taxes.



Chicolini:
Hey, I got an uncle lives in Taxes.



Prosecutor:
No, I'm talking about taxes - money, dollars!



Chicolini:
Dollars! There's-a where my uncle lives! Dollars, Taxes!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Rufus T. Firefly:
[singing] If any form of pleasure is exhibited, report to me and it will be prohibited! I'll put my foot down, so shall it be... this is the land of the free! The last man nearly ruined this place he didn't know what to do with it. If you think this country's bad off now, just wait till I get through with it! The country's taxes must be fixed, and I know what to do with it. If you think you're paying too much now, just wait till I get through with it!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Curly Howard:
[Curly reads a telegram of their prize money and sees that taxes reduced their prise money into $4.95] Nyaaaaa...


[faints, Larry grabs it. Reads it]



Larry:
They'll put us in jail!


[faints, Moe grabs it]



Hotel Costa Plente room service:
Did he say jail?



Moe:
No, Yale. He's got a brother in college with two heads. They got him in a bottle.


[Looks at the telegram for a second and flinches]



Hotel Costa Plente room service:
Is something wrong?



Moe:
Nothing. The figures stagger me.



Hotel Costa Plente room service:
And so will your bill.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Beany:
What's a hee-lot?



The Colonel:
You've ever been broke, sonny?



Beany:
Sure, mostly often.



The Colonel:
All right. You're walking along, not a nickel in your jeans, your free as the wind, nobody bothers ya. Hundreds of people pass you by in every line of buisness: shoes, hats, automobiles, radios, everything, and there all nice lovable people and they lets you alone, is that right? Then you get a hold of some dough and what happens, all those nice sweet lovable people become hee-lots, a lotta heels. They begin to creep up on ya, trying to sell ya something: they get long claws and they get a stranglehold on ya, and you squirm and you duck and you holler and you try to push them away but you haven't got the chance. They gots ya. First thing ya know you own things, a car for instance, now your whole life is messed up with alot more stuff: you get license fees and number plates and gas and oil and taxes and insurance and identification cards and letters and bills and flat tires and dents and traffic tickets and motorcycle cops and tickets and courtrooms and lawers and fines and... a million and one other things. What happens? You're not the free and happy guy you used to be. You need to have money to pay for all those things, so you go after what the other fellas got. There you are, you're a hee-lot yourself.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Police Officer Danny, Bureau Clerk:
I tell you young lady. When a thing likes this comes up you got to go to the police. What do you think people pay taxes for? It ain't just to keep us chasing after crooks and regulating traffic. We're suppose to help everybody. Now, you got to go to the police about your sister, Miss.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Mr. Wheeler had bumped into another driver's car]



Driver:
Hey, you think you own the whole road?



Mr. Wheeler:
Hmph! Of course I own the road. My taxes pay for them. I voted for road bonds. I pay for the roads and I'll use 'em.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Little Bonaparte:
Thank you, fellow opera-lovers. It's been ten years since I elected myself president of dis organization - an' if I say so myself, you made duh right choice. Let's look at duh record: In duh lass fissel year we made a hundred an' twelve million dollars before taxes - only we ain't paying no taxes!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Parson:
They say the church may have to start paying taxes soon. Oh well... the Lord giveth and the government taketh away.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Aide:
Mister Mayor, eighty-two percent not only stop brooding, they stop smoking. Ninety-three percent stop drinking.



The Mayor:
What's wrong with that?



Aide:
In terms of dollars and cents, it's disastrous. Our city is facing a drastic loss in income from sales tax.



The Mayor:
That's ridiculous. Forty-seven people? A drop in the bucket.



Aide:
But if this goes unchecked for a month, by mathematical progression, half of New York will have the virus. You know what that means? It means a loss in cigarette and liquor taxes more than one hundred and eighty million dollars.



The Mayor:
[voice hoarse] A hundred and eighty million... Brady, what are you sitting there for? Get that bird!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Lamont Sanford:
Pop, that's what the welfare thing was setup for: for people in financial trouble. What do you think we pay taxes for? We'd just be taking advantage of something that was setup for people like us.



Fred Sanford:
What do you mean 'people like us'?



Lamont Sanford:
Poor people. The have nots.



Fred Sanford:
The have nots? Well if the have nots could get something from the haves and the haves gave the have nots half of what they have, then the haves would still be the haves but the have nots would be the have somethings.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Lieutenant Columbo:
Can I ask you a personal question?



Alex Benedict:
Please.



Lieutenant Columbo:
What do you pay in taxes on this place?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Pharisee Monster:
Now, we know you are an honest man. Give us your ruling on this: are we, or are we not permitted to pay taxes to the Roman emperor?



John:
Why, you hypocrites, I...!


[Jesus and Merrell restrain him]



Jesus:
[to Pharisee Monster] Show me the money in which the tax is paid.


[the Pharisee Monster spits coins at Jesus, who picks one up]



Jesus:
Whose head is on here, whose description?



Pharisee Monster:
Caesar's!



Jesus:
Well, then, pay Caesar was is due Caesar, but pay God what is due God!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Hiss:
Sire, taxes are pouring in, the jail is full... oh, and good news, Sire. Friar Tuck is in jail.



Prince John:
[Angry] Friar Tuck? It's Robin Hood I want, you idiot! Oh, I'd give all my gold if I could get my hands on... Did you say, Friar Tuck?



Hiss:
Did I? Y-yes, I did.



Prince John:
Yes, yes! I have it, Hiss! I'll use that fat friar as bait to trap Robin Hood.



Hiss:
Another trap?



Prince John:
Yes, you stupid serpent. Friar Tuck will be led to the gallows at the village square, don't you see.



Hiss:
B-But Sire! Hang Friar Tuck? A man of the Church?



Prince John:
Yes, my reluctant reptile, and when our elusive hero tries to rescue the corpulent cleric -Ha ha ha ha! - my men will be ready.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Sheriff of Nottingham:
[the Sheriff has taken the only coin from the Poor Box, and Friar Tuck is furious] Take it easy, Friar, I'm just doing my duty.



Friar Tuck:
Collecting taxes for that arrogant, greedy, ruthless, no-good Prince John?



Sheriff of Nottingham:
Listen, Friar, you're mighty preachy and you're gonna preach your neck right into a hangman's noose.



Friar Tuck:
[shouts] Get out of my church! Out! Out! Out! *Out*!


[pushes the Sheriff out into the rain]

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Walter:
There is a house I want to buy.



Benny:
Let's just cut to the chase, Okay? What do you want?



Walter:
I want you to loan me $200,000 in cash.



Benny:
No.



Walter:
Benny!



Benny:
You shout at me?



Walter:
I shout at you! I need that money and you are going to loan it to me.



Benny:
No, I won't!



Walter:
Yes, you will!



Benny:
No, No, No!



Walter:
Yes, you will! I saved you ten times that in taxes last year.



Benny:
So what?



Walter:
Benny, if you don't loan me that money. I'll...



Benny:
You'll what? Huh? You'll what?



Walter:
I'll... not like you any more!



Benny:
...All right.



Walter:
Thanks.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Joey:
It sounds like Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky just want some privacy.



Michelle:
What's privacy?



Joey:
It means they want to spend time together alone.



Michelle:
What are they doing in there?



Joey:
They're, uh... they're doing their taxes.



Michelle:
Are they going to do their taxes every night?



Joey:
For the first couple of months.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Sergeant Marvin Johnson:
We're gonna go down and secure the village.



Private Danny Purcell:
Seems like a wussy mission for special forces.



Sergeant Marvin Johnson:
VC have been coming down there, collecting taxes from the locals. They haven't been paying so they started terrorizing them. Like it or not, it's our job.



Private Marcus Taylor:
You want to talk terrorist tactics? Take a look at what Uncle Sam did to your paycheck.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Smithers:
Actually, thanks to our creative bookkeeping and corporate loopholes, we only pay about $3 in taxes a year.



Mr. Burns:
$3? We're getting screwed.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
George Costanza:
I'm 33 years old; I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately, to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I never had a normal... medium orgasm.



Jerry:
I never had a really good pickle.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Hatchet's Mother:
I pay taxes on cigarettes, don't I? And what do I get for those taxes? Happiness? *Hell* no! I get tuberculosis!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Drew:
Your taxes come to $320.



Stu:
$320? How could it be?



Drew:
Oops. Forgot the decimal point. That actually comes to $32,000.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Mr. Pink:
I'm very sorry the government taxes their tips, that's fucked up. That ain't my fault. It would seem to me that waitresses are one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. Look, if you ask me to sign something that says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it, put it to a vote, I'll vote for it, but what I won't do is play ball. And as for this non-college bullshit I got two words for that: learn to fuckin' type, 'cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent you're in for a big fuckin' surprise.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Singer:
[singing] Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants. They get taxes done in a hurry! They're as competent as they are furry. Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants! W-2s and 1099s are pieces of cake for these brilliant felines! Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants! Cat Accountants!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Ed Helms:
April is tax month. If you are having trouble filing your taxes, then you should hire an accountant. They'll give you the same advice that they've given hundreds of corporations - taxes are for douche bags.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Judge Judy:
...So you didn't feel the need to file taxes last year, huh? That's very interesting; I'll make sure the IRS receives a copy of this tape.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Truman:
So what's the verdict?



Harry Stamper:
They'll do it. They've made a few requests though.



Truman:
Such as?



Harry Stamper:
[riffles through sheets of paper] Well, there's uh, few things here, uh... nothin' really big, uh, just- Well, as an example, uh, uh, Oscar here, he's got some outstanding parking tickets. Wants them wiped off his record.



Oscar:
[shouting from balcony] Fifty-six tickets in seven states...



Harry Stamper:
[to Oscar] I'll-I'll tell 'em Oscar, you got it.



Oscar:
Okay.



Harry Stamper:
Uh, Noonan's got two women friends that he'd like to see made American citizens no questions asked. Max would like you to... bring back eight-track tapes. Not sure if that's gonna work, but, uh, let's see what else. Um, Chick wants a full week's Emperor's Package at Caesar's Palace. Um - hey, you guys wouldn't be able to tell us who actually killed Kennedy, would ya?


[pause, turns and shakes his head]



Harry Stamper:
Um, Bear would like to stay at the...


[tries to read writing]



Harry Stamper:
"White horse"?


[looks up at Bear]



Bear:
White, *House*. White House.



Harry Stamper:
White House. Yeah, he'd like to stay in the Lincoln bedroom of the White House for the summer. Stuff like that.



Truman:
Sure, I think we can, uh, take care of... some of that.



Rockhound:
[shouting from balcony] Harry!



Harry Stamper:
[motions back at Rockhound] Yeah one more thing, um... none of them wanna pay taxes again.


[pauses]



Harry Stamper:
Ever.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Kelso:
Well maybe we should check the School Morgue.



Steven Hyde:
Kelso, the school doesn't HAVE a morgue.



Kelso:
So what do we pay all those taxes for?



Steven Hyde:
You know what kills me? You do better in school than I do.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Chris Rock:
It's sad that your taxes don't cover any medical. No medical. I think doctors make too much money, you know why? Because they don't cure anything. Everything they cured, they cured 50 years ago. They ain't cured anything in a long time, man, you know, diseases are piling up, man, we've cancer, sicacell, and Geri's Kids still limping around. Come on, Man, get rid of something. Some diseases, they just gave up on. They said: "To hell with it!" Like blindness. You go blind, they don't got nothing for you. You go to a doctor, tell him you're blind, he says, "Hey why don't you get this dog to drag your blind ass around." Where's the medicine? Where's the science? I'm blind! I can't see! There's people that can see that can't handle a dog! Come on, give me a midget or something!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Dennis Miller:
Here with an editorial on taxes and crime is SNL news correspondent, Chris Rock.



Chris Rock:
Thank you, Dennis. Before I started comedy, I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? It's like, "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law." Now minimum wage used to come up to about $200 a week and then they'd take out $50 in taxes. That's alot of money if you're only making $200 a week. That's kinda like kicking Monday and Tuesday in the ass. I hate taxes, I hate checks. I hate the fact that they put two amounts of money on your check. It's like: This is the money you worked all week for, and this is what you're gonna get. Don't tease me! Don't take off your bra and say: "Whatcha lookin' at?" I think taxes are the reason there's so much crime.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Caller:
I told you before man, don't mock me! My taxes pay your salary, you pansy!



Lazlow:
Sir, this is a commercial radio station owned by Love Media. Advertising revenue pays my salary.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
I will cut taxes - cut taxes - for 95 percent of all working families, because, in an economy like this, the last thing we should do is raise taxes on the middle class.More [07/01/2011 08:07:30]
In fact, the best thing we could do on taxes for all Americans is to simplify the individual tax code. This will be a tough job, but members of both parties have expressed an interest in doing this, and I am prepared to join them.More [07/01/2011 08:07:01]
You will not see any of your taxes increase one single dime.More [07/01/2011 08:07:15]
Note, besides, that it is no more immoral to directly rob citizens than to slip indirect taxes into the price of goods that they cannot do without.More [07/05/2011 01:07:08]
I am favor of cutting taxes under any circumstances and for any excuse, for any reason, whenever it's possible.More [07/09/2011 11:07:39]
And the cornerstone of my economic policies, when I first got elected, was cutting taxes on everybody on who paid taxes.More [07/10/2011 03:07:56]
The truth is that as we move forward, if one side says we can't raise any taxes on anybody or any interest, and the other side says we can't cut anything, we're obviously not going to make progress on this. And our interest is in making progress on this.More [07/11/2011 07:07:50]
Rulers do not reduce taxes to be kind. Expediency and greed create high taxation, and normally it takes an impending catastrophe to bring it down.More [07/12/2011 06:07:18]
I won't talk about what it was like in prison, except to say I'm glad I'm out and that I plan never to go back and to pay my taxes every day.More [07/14/2011 06:07:11]
Washington has got to, across the board, lower taxes for small businesses so that our mom and pops can reinvest and hire people, so that our businesses can thrive.More [07/18/2011 02:07:05]
You know, I like to think that I will subscribe very much to the core Republican principles of small government. Making a small number of rules and getting out of the way. Keeping taxes low. Creating an environment for small businesses to grow and thrive.More [07/19/2011 03:07:57]
To say that any people are not fit for freedom, is to make poverty their choice, and to say they had rather be loaded with taxes than not.More [07/20/2011 04:07:32]
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.More [07/28/2011 05:07:49]

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