pope

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pope

I shall write a book some day about the appropriateness of names. Geoffrey Chaucer has a ribald ring, as is proper and correct, and Alexander Pope was inevitably Alexander Pope. Colley Cibber was a silly little man without much elegance and Shelley was very Percy and very Bysshe.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
If someone had told me I would be pope one day, I would have studied harder.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
The Pope is an idol whose hands are tied and whose feet are kissed.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Walter Burke: There's this parish priest and he goes before the Pope weeping and begging for forgiveness. What am I to do, oh what am I to do I do not believe in God anymore and you know what the pope said... fake it.More [07/31/2005 12:07:00]
I would like to see the Pope wearing my T-shirt.More [03/21/2006 12:03:00]
Nobody I represent is pretending to be the pope or a role model for young people. People have to live their lives. They have the right to smoke if they want.More [04/11/2006 12:04:00]
I walked into the room and I was laughing at myself - who am I, where I'm from, and now I'm going in and sitting here having this huge meeting. And there's the pope sitting there in a chair with a chair next to him and I am to sit in it.More [05/16/2006 12:05:00]
[a rabbi stabs Brenda with a knife]
Rabbi: You ruined Schindler's List!
[the Dalai Lama slashes her with a sword]
The Dalai Lama: Jackie Chan movies!
[Mother Theresa beats her with a loaf of bread]
Mother Theresa: Boogie Nights!
[the Pope stabs her with a giant scythe]
The Pope: And Big Momma's House!More [02/22/2007 12:02:00]
President Harris: [to the U.N] So, an Indian, a Frenchman, and the Pope are all on a plane. The pilot says, "Hey, are any of you not circumcised?" So the Pope lifts up his robe and says, "Shut up, stupid! You don't even speak English!" The Israeli asks the Japanese guy to open his eyes, but the Japanese man says, "I'm not squinting you crazy Jew, you're the one who sold me these cheap glasses!" What's the difference between a Belgian and a lump of dog shit? The Belgian drinks wine, but the dog shit smells good.More [02/22/2007 12:02:00]
Pucci: Does your nurse enjoy executions?
Mother's Lover: Does the Pope have a balcony?More [04/17/2007 12:04:00]
[after seeing Scott at the Vatican dressed as the Pope on national TV]
Bert: What A fucking loser, I'm videotaping thisMore [06/26/2007 12:06:00]
Jim McAllister: Larry, we're not electing the fucking Pope here. Just tell me who won.More [10/08/2007 12:10:00]
Peron Advisers: More bad news from Rome she met with the Pope she only got a rosary and a kindly word.
Ché: I wouldn't say the holy father gave her the bird.More [10/18/2007 12:10:00]
After the Second Vatican Council, the impression arose that the pope really could do anything in liturgical matters, especially if he were acting on the mandate of an ecumenical council. Eventually, the idea of the givenness of the liturgy, the fact that one cannot do with it what one will, faded from the public consciousness of the West. In fact, the First Vatican Council had in no way defined the pope as an absolute monarch. On the contrary, it presented him as the guarantor of obedience to the revealed Word. The pope’s authority is bound to the Tradition of faith, and that also applies to the liturgy. It is not ‘manufactured’ by the authorities. Even the pope can only be a humble servant of its lawful development and abiding integrity and identity. . . . The authority of the pope is not unlimited; it is at the service of Sacred Tradition. . . . The greatness of the liturgy depends - we shall have to repeat this frequently - on its unspontaneity.More [11/21/2007 12:11:00]
We can be sure our beloved pope is standing today at the window of the father’s house, that he sees us and blesses us.More [11/21/2007 12:11:00]
Edward R. Murrow: [at Gandhi's funeral] The object of this massive tribute died as he had always lived - a private man without wealth, without property, without official title or office. Mahatma Gandhi was not a commander of great armies nor ruler of vast lands. He could boast no scientific achievements or artistic gift. Yet men, governments and dignitaries from all over the world have joined hands today to pay homage to this little brown man in the loincloth who led his country to freedom. Pope Pius, the Archbishop of Canterbury, President Truman, Chiang Kai-shek, The Foreign Minister of Russia, the President of France... are among the millions here and abroad who have lamented his passing. In the words of General George C. Marshall, the American Secretary of State, "Mahatma Gandhi had become the spokesman for the conscience of mankind, a man who made humility and simple truth more powerful than empires." And Albert Einstein added, "Generations to come will scarce believe that such a one as this ever in flesh and blood walked upon this earth."More [12/08/2007 12:12:00]
[During the final credits]
Alan Dundes: There are jokes about: The Pope dies, and, uh, goes to Heaven, and Saint Peter greets him, as Saint Peter often does in these stories, and says, you know, "You've led a very holy life on Earth, and, uh, if there's anything you want here in Heaven, we'd be glad to accommodate you. We'd like to reward you for your faithful service on Earth. Is there anything we can do for you?" The Pope says, "Well," he says, "you know, I've never seen the original form of the Bible." Saint Peter says, "Okay, fine." He ushers him into a little room. There on the table is the original version of the Bible, and he leaves him alone in there to browse through it. After a few minutes, he hears the Pope exclaim. "Oh," he says, "Oh, my goodness," he says. "The word is *celebrate*!"More [12/26/2007 12:12:00]
Dominic Abbandando: [briefing the reporters] The Pope - the Holy Father himself - has this very day blessed Michael Corleone; and you think you know better than the Pope?More [12/26/2007 12:12:00]
Adrian Cronauer: Hey, we're back. That last two seconds of silence was Marcel Marceau's newest hit single, "Walkin In The Wind." And now, here are the headlines. Here they come right now. Pope actually found to be Jewish. Liberace is Anastasia and Ethel Merman jams Russian radar. The East Germans, today, claimed the Berlin Wall was a fraternity prank. Also the Pope decided today to release Vatican-related bath products. An incredible thing, yes, it's the new Pope On A Rope. That's right. Pope On A Rope. Wash with it, go straight to heaven. Thank you.More [12/30/2007 12:12:00]
Any time you got the Pope and the Dixie Chicks against you, your time is up.More [03/06/2008 12:03:00]
Anchorman: In Rome today, the Pope issued a message of hope for believers in their fight against what he termed the godless and lost. He did not mention Simon Grimm by name, but offered a prayer for the young, whom he described as sadly in need of faith and not the illusion of conviction offered by rock music, drugs and contemporary poetry.More [03/08/2008 12:03:00]
Cardinal: Oh, the Pope warned me never to trust the CIA!More [04/03/2008 12:04:00]
[trying to convince the squires to bet that William will win, when they believe the French knight will win]
French Squire: An Englishman will not win this French tournament. English legs are unsteady on French soil.
French Squire: And because French wine is too much for English bellies.
French Squire: And most importantly, because the Pope himself is French.
Roland: [finally gives in] Well, the Pope may be French, but Jesus is English! You're on!More [06/18/2008 12:06:00]
Warwick:
What would you say if the Pope found her innocent?



John de Stogumber:
He's a foreigner, too, my lord. And in England...



Warwick:
You do not consider him to be infallible.



John de Stogumber:
Of course, my lord. In faith and in morals...



Warwick:
But this is politics.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Sir Thomas and the King are discussing the King's wish for a divorce from Katherine of Aragon, his brother's widow]



King Henry VIII:
Oh, Thomas, Thomas, Thomas! Does a man need a Pope to tell him where he's sinned? It was a sin. God's punished me. I have no son. Son after son she's borne me - all dead at birth or dead within the month. Never saw the hand of God so clear in anything. It's my bounden duty to put away the Queen and all the popes back to Peter shall not come between me and my duty! How is it that you cannot see? Everyone else does.



Sir Thomas More:
Then why does your Grace need my poor support?



King Henry VIII:
Because you're honest... and what is more to the purpose, you're KNOWN to be honest. There are those like Norfolk who follow me because I wear the crown; and those like Master Cromwell who follow me because they are jackals with sharp teeth and I'm their tiger; there's a mass that follows me because it follows anything that moves. And then there's you...



Sir Thomas More:
I am sick to think how much I must displease your Grace.



King Henry VIII:
No, Thomas, I respect your sincerity. But respect... man, that's water in the desert.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Roman Castevet:
No pope ever visits a city where the newspapers are on strike.



Minnie Castevet:
I heard he's gonna postpone and wait till it's over.



Guy Woodhouse:
Well, that's showbiz.



Roman Castevet:
That's exactly what it is: all the costumes, the rituals - all religions.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
George Faber:
The bell tolls. The Pope is dead. Listen to the bell.


[Crossed himself. Cut to multiple shots of mourners in the streets of Rome]



George Faber:
This is the death knell that rings... only for the pontiff. Listen - there is a second bell. Soon they will be joined by other bells all over the city, all over every city, all over the world. The Pope is dead.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder:
As a matter of fact, Father, I know I can get my hands on an entire shipment of religious relics, blessed by the Pope himself. The Germans swiped them and put them on the open market. As I understand it, the stuff includes a wrist and collarbones of some of your top saints!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Archie Bunker:
Don't you know that California is sitting on a shelf out there, they call that the Pacific Shelf. There's three states on that shelf: Oregon, California and Missouri. When the big earthquake hits, all them three states are going to be shoved right off that shelf there. They call that the Continental Divide.



Mike Stivic:
What?



Archie Bunker:
Yes. The Pope knew about this years ago. He said it was St. Andrew's fault.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Hemlock throws Pope out of his office]



Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
Don't for get your trench coat. How's anybody gonna recognize you without your disguise?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
You think it's so awful the other side has a germ formula? It's against the Geneva Convention, isn't it, and they stole it from us. Well what the hell are we doing with it in the first place? We're not supposed to have one either.



Jemima Brown:
And you don't see any difference between their side and our side?



Dr. Jonathan Hemlock:
Yeah, I see a difference. But as long as we have Dragon and Pope working for us, how bad can the other side be?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Moe Green:
[on Dialing for Dollars]


[to camera]



Moe Green:
We're trying to reach Mr. Paul Pope of Melonville to see if he knows the name of tonight's movie.



Moe Green:
[sfx phone ring] Hello?



Moe Green:
Hello, is this Paul Pope?



Pope Paul:
No. This is Pope Paul.



Moe Green:
Pope Paul?


[to camera]



Moe Green:
We seem to have reached the Vatican, ladies and gentlemen.



Moe Green:
[to phone] Well, hello, your Holiness, this is Moe Green on Dialing for Dollars.



Pope Paul:
Moe Green? Weren't you... hamana hamana


[memory lapse]



Moe Green:
Uh, no. Your Holiness, we're trying to find someone who can tell us the name of tonight's movie.



Pope Paul:
Movie?



Moe Green:
Yes. Would you like to take a guess? If you're correct, you'll win the jackpot of SIXTEEN dollars.



Pope Paul:
Uh... hmmm... The Doberman Gang?



Moe Green:
Oooo, I'm sorry, that isn't the name of tonight's movie, so that means that our jackpot will increase to SEVENTEEN dollars.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Ira:
Why was, uh, this Escobar blackmailing you?



Laura Birdwell:
Well, I was seeing this man. We were having an affair.



Ira:
Your husband didn't know anything about it?



Margo Sperling:
Does the Pope shit in the woods?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Sandy Bates:
It's crazy. The town is jammed. I don't know, is the Pope in town, or some other show business figure?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Molly:
[holding the phone] It's the IRS. They'd like to know when they can expect payment.



Porky Sullivan:
When the bloody pope gets a hickey!



Molly:
[into the phone] When the bloody pope gets a hickey, sir.... Well, I'm tell him you said so!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[first lines]



Private Detective Visser:
[narrating] The world is full o' complainers. An' the fact is, nothin' comes with a guarantee. Now I don't care if you're the pope of Rome, President of the United States or Man of the Year; somethin' can all go wrong. Now go on ahead, y'know, complain, tell your problems to your neighbor, ask for help, 'n watch him fly. Now, in Russia, they got it mapped out so that everyone pulls for everyone else... that's the theory, anyway. But what I know about is Texas, an' down here... you're on your own.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Cesar Soubeyran:
Now let's talk about other things. I'm going to write to Scratcher.



Ugolin:
Who's she?



Cesar Soubeyran:
You don't know her because she left here before you were born. She had the body of an angel. They called her Scratcher because when the boys tried to kiss her she scratched their faces. She used to sharpen her nails especially. But because of this she ended up a spinster and when her parents died she went to work for the priest at Mimet. About 4 or 5 years ago the pope moved him to Crespin and she should still be with him.



Ugolin:
So long as she didn't scratch him.



Cesar Soubeyran:
Oh, at her age you don't scratch people, and because she was a friend of Florette she must still visit her. I'm going to write immediately.



Ugolin:
And if she's dead?



Cesar Soubeyran:
Not everyone my age is dead.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
H.I.:
Need a beer, Glen?



Glen:
Does the Pope wear a funny hat?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Kent Brockman:
The phony pope can be identified by his high top sneakers, and incredibly foul mouth.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Homer:
I've got more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the Pope combined.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
George Dent:
Does the Pope shit in the woods?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Henry has just suggested that the Pope should undergo a sex change before being artificially inseminated]



Sally Smedley:
For that remark, Henry, you will burn in Hell for all eternity.



Henry Davenport:
Doesn't worry me - I've sat next to you for three years.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Chris Thorne:
Alvin, I was just thinking you've got enough vintage steel around here to make a few thousand Toyotas. Ever think of selling the whole place to the Japanese?



J.P.:
There you go. Does the Pope wear a hat? Was Sergeant York's mother an angel? And will a banker grope for money?



Chris Thorne:
I'm not a banker, I'm a financial publisher.



J.P.:
Well, all I know is in '17 after they shipped me off to fight, some New York financier rolled in here one day and hog-glowsered and tub-wankled my grandfather into mining out the whole town in exchange for shares in something called the United Coke Company. Do you know what those stock certificates are worth today?


[shouts]



J.P.:
JUST ABOUT THE FINEST OUTHOUSE WALLPAPER YOU'VE EVER SEEN! We were forced to become what you drove through today; a burnt out coal field and the biggest icebox graveyard this side of the Ohio foundry belt! And that's why I *never* let a banker go!



Fausto:
So your grandpa made a lousy deal, is that our problem?



Diane Lightson:
Judge, that's a very tragic, tragic story.



J.P.:
I believe it is.



Renalda:
You should do a book.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Richie:
Haven't you got through to the Pope yet?



Dave Hedgehog:
[looking at telephone directory] "Pope, G."



Richie:
What do you mean, "Pope, G."? He's not Pope Gavin is he? He's Pope John Paul. Look under "Pope, J.P."!



Dave Hedgehog:
J.P. Oh, here he is: "Pope, J.P." I didn't know he lived in Twickenham.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Sister Mary Patrick:
I can't believe the Pope is coming! This is better than ice cream!



Sister Mary Robert:
It's better than springtime!



Delores:
It's better than sex! No, I mean - I've heard.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Delores:
I can't Go! I'm singing for the Pope tomorrow!



Eddie:
You gonna be singing for St. Peter if you don't get your buns out of here!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Debbie Jellinsky:
My first Husband, the Heart Surgeon. All day long, coronaries, transplants.



Grandma:
What about your needs?



Debbie Jellinsky:
"Sorry about dinner, Deb. The Pope has a cold."


[the next slide shows a shadow of an axe on the wall heading towards the Surgeon]



Grandma:
An axe! That takes me back.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Jackie Treehorn:
Refill?



The Dude:
Does the Pope shit in the woods?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Ezra Grahme:
[while questioning Emira Eagle] Ma'am, do you hold any degrees?



Elizabeth 'Mickey' Waters:
Is the Pope an old white man?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Donna Pinciotti:
I don't get Eric. Why won't he wear that ring? A lot of classy men wear rings. The Pope does. My uncle Carmine in Hoboken does. You lose his ring, you wind up in a dumpster. And that's just a warning.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Eddie:
And Henry VIII, a big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope! I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Now, I know what you're gonna say, but stick with me. My story gets better. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her! Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam..." and the Pope is saying, "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this, what are you a Mormon? It's illegal. What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard?"

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Eddie:
The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and funny hats.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
God:
And tell the Pope to stop talking about me, he dosen't know me and tell him that his hat looks fucking stupid.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Clive:
I tell you something. That, that religious singing reminded me of something. Did you, did you see that, er, TV coverage of the, er, Pope when he was lying in state? The, the last Pope, you know, John Paul.



Derek:
Yeah.



Clive:
Lying in state, on that catafalque? In those robes. It didn't half give me the horn, that. Him lying there. He looked so fucking vulnerable, didn't he? I mean, like I, I couldn't prevent myself, you know, having a wank immediately cos he looked, he looked vulnerable, he looked at, at rest and, er, somebody had, er, gone to the trouble of plucking all that hair out of his nostrils.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Rory:
So, is this party Grandma's having going to be a big deal?



Lorelai:
Not really. The government will close that day. Flags will fly at half-mast. Barbra Streisand will give her final concert... again.



Rory:
Uh-huh.



Lorelai:
Now, the Pope has previous plans, but he's trying to get out of them. However, Elvis and Jim Morrison are coming and they're bringing chips.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Rory:
So, is this party Grandma's having going to be a big deal?



Lorelai:
Not really. The government will close that day. Flags will fly at half-mast. Barbara Streisand will give her final concert... again.



Rory:
Uh-huh.



Lorelai:
Now, the Pope has previous plans, but he's trying to get out of them. However, Elvis and Jim Morrison are coming and they're bringing chips.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Maréchal Joachim Murat:
The road to Namur.



Napoléon:
Perfect. The Pope will think we've run into him totally by chance. I cannot let him imagine that I would make an effort to meet him. I owe him no more respect than to any petty little king.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Napoléon:
Excuse this dreadful mud, Holy Father, but it's been raining so much lately.



Pope Pius VII:
I've always wondered if the Pope, like his Divine Master, could walk on water. I cannot, evidently. But I do have other powers.



Napoléon:
Such as crowning me Emperor?



Pope Pius VII:
Yes, but also marrying you.



Napoléon:
Marrying me? But I am married!



Pope Pius VII:
During our long and tedious journey, one of my Cardinals told me that you and the future Empress have not been united before God.



Napoléon:
Well, that may be true, but our civil marriage is no less valid.



Pope Pius VII:
To me, it is meaningless. But rest assured, I shall be delighted to bless your union before God.



Napoléon:
I have no intention of getting married a second time.



Pope Pius VII:
Well, unfortunately, I cannot crown a man Emperor, who is living in a state of Sin.



Napoléon:
Very well, then, a discreet ceremony - without unnecessary witness.



Pope Pius VII:
When one has the Pope as a witness, Sire, no-one else is necessary.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Det. Cruz:
Should I take this to Macy?



Jordan:
You can take this to the Pope for all I care.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]

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