husbands

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husbands

Women desire six things: They want their husbands to be brave, wise, rich, generous, obedient to wife, and lively in bed.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
The road to success is filled with women pushing their husbands along.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
I should like to know what is the proper function of women, if it is not to make reasons for husbands to stay at home, and still stronger reasons for bachelors to go out.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
To name oneself is the first act of both the poet and the revolutionary. When we take away the right to an individual name, we symbolically take away the right to be an individual. Immigration officials did this to refugees; husbands routinely do it to wives.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
The calmest husbands make the stormiest wives.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Nick Mercer: Here's to the husbands who've won you, the losers who've lost you, and the lucky bastards who've yet to meet you.More [12/16/2005 12:12:00]
“Gary was a macho man, but none of my husbands was ever man enough to become Mr”More [08/02/2006 12:08:00]
“We are a generation of women that has listened to the much louder voices of parents, teachers, employers, husbands and children while our own voices were small or muffled or totally ignored. Aging Out Loud gives us permission to not only listen to that voice but heed its warnings, laugh at its jokes and follow its directions, without guilt and without looking back.”More [08/14/2006 12:08:00]
“This one just had a really nice spiritual message about how important it is to nurture yourself. I think women are natural caretakers. They take care of everybody. They take care of their husbands and their kids and their dogs, and don't spend a lot of time just getting back and taking time out. So I like that quality and I like that sort of Wonderful Life quality where she gets to see her life for what it was and go back and have another opportunity.”More [09/15/2006 12:09:00]
Janine: [after Donna kisses Michael] Oh, my God. I want that so bad. A husband that I can kiss and love and give juice too.
Michael Newman: You've already cheated on three different husbands with their brothers. I think you've given enough juice to everybody. Love juice.
Janine: You know way too much about me. I should've never done that Montel Williams show.
Michael Newman: Even Montel Williams thinks you're crazy and he's seen a lot of shit.
Janine: I was desperate for companionship! All of my husbands... All of them have emotionally abandoned me.
Michael Newman: They went to work. You had sex with their unemployed brothers. You're a horndog.More [03/21/2007 12:03:00]
Achilles: Go home, prince. Drink some wine, make love to your wife. Tomorrow, we'll have our war.
Hector: You speak of war as if it's a game. But how many wives wait at Troy's gates for husbands they'll never see again?
Achilles: Perhaps your brother can comfort them. I hear he's good at charming other men's wives.More [03/23/2007 12:03:00]
Helen: [to Hector] All those widows. I still hear them screaming. Their husbands died because I'm here.More [03/23/2007 12:03:00]
Prime Minister: Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.More [04/03/2007 12:04:00]
Mrs. Peacock: Well, someone's got to break the ice, and it might as well be me. I'm used to being a hostess, it's part of my husbands work. And it's always difficult when a group of new friends meet together for the first time, to get acquainted. So I'm perfectly prepared to start the ball rolling. I mean, I, I have absolutely no idea what we're doing here. Or what I'm doing here, or what this place is about, but I am determined to enjoy myself. And I'm very intrigued, and oh my this soup is delicious, isn't it?More [07/24/2007 12:07:00]
Mrs. White: You say you're used to being a hostess, as part of your husbands work?
Mrs. Peacock: Yes, it's an integral part of your life when you are the wife of a... oh, but then I forgot, we're not supposed to say who we really are, though heavens to Betsy. I don't know why.
Colonel Mustard: Don't you?
Mr. Green: I know who you are.
Miss Scarlet: Aren't you going to tell us?
Mrs. Peacock: How do you know who I am?
Mr. Green: I work in Washington too.
Professor Plum: Washington? So you're a politicians wife?
Mrs. Peacock: Yes, I am.
Colonel Mustard: Come on then, whose your husband?More [07/24/2007 12:07:00]
Colonel Mustard: How many husbands have you had?
Mrs. White: Mine or other women's?
Colonel Mustard: Yours.
Mrs. White: Five.
Colonel Mustard: Five?
Mrs. White: Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft strong and disposable.
Colonel Mustard: You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies.
Mrs. White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable.
Colonel Mustard: Right!More [07/24/2007 12:07:00]
Henrietta 'Henry' Robbins: I've asked you a dozen times. If I write a check and I'm overdrawn a few dollars, just call me. Or take the money out of our savings account and put it in our checking account to cover it. We have over $300 in our savings account.
Assistant Bank Manager: You're 62 cents over.
Henrietta 'Henry' Robbins: That's what I said: "over". You bounced my check. It's very embarrassing.
Assistant Bank Manager: With only $300.62 in your account, should you be eating pot roast.
Henrietta 'Henry' Robbins: Look my husbands brother and his wife are coming over for dinner. What's it to you if I give em a pot roast.
Assistant Bank Manager: Fiscally speaking, you're eating over your head.
Henrietta 'Henry' Robbins: I don't think a pot roast puts us in a jet seat. And you call yourself "a bank that cares", and I really, really doubt that.
Assistant Bank Manager: If you don't believe we care, we don't care to have your business. Now, we can just close up your account.
Henrietta 'Henry' Robbins: Wait, I didn't say that.
Assistant Bank Manager: It's our fault. We give away free calendars, and piggy banks, and pen and pencil sets.
Henrietta 'Henry' Robbins: You're right, you've spoiled us.More [11/22/2007 12:11:00]
Karen: After awhile, it got to be all normal. None of it seemed like crime. It was more like Henry was enterprising, and that he and the guys were making a few bucks hustling, while all the other guys were sitting on their asses, waiting for handouts. Our husbands weren't brain surgeons, they were blue-collar guys. The only way they could make extra money, real extra money, was to go out and cut a few corners.More [01/03/2008 12:01:00]
Alex: Wow. That Grace sure makes me feel warm and welcome.
Grandma Lilly: Well, you'd be bitter too if you had four husbands die on you.
Alex: Probably suicides.More [01/07/2008 12:01:00]
[Talking to his psychiatrist about going to his high school reunion]
Marty: They all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they've all made themselves a part of something and they can talk about what they do. What am I gonna say? "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How've you been?"More [01/16/2008 12:01:00]
The Book: [about the Point of View Gun] The Point of View gun conveniently does precisely what its name suggests. That is if you point it at someone and pull the trigger, they instantly see things from your point of view. It was designed by Deep Thought, but commissioned by a consortium of intergalactic angry housewives, who after countless arguments with their husbands were sick to the teeth of ending those arguments with the phrase "You just don't get it, do you?"More [03/16/2008 12:03:00]
Gus Petch: You seem to be taking it pretty good. I've seen 'em come in here, weep and wail like Baptists at a funeral. Like they hired me to prove their husbands weren't fooling around.
Marylin Rexroth: Don't get me wrong, Mr...
Gus Petch: Petch. Gus Petch.
Marylin Rexroth: Whilst I don't find this terribly amusing, I am delighted that you found this material. This is going to be my passport to wealth, independence... and freedom.
Gus Petch: [chickles] Sounds like to me that you gonna nail his ass.More [04/21/2008 12:04:00]
Jing-Mei 'June' Woo: [opening naration] The old woman remembered a swan she had bought many years ago in Shanghai for a foolish sum. "This bird", boasted the market vendor, "was once a duck that stretched its neck in hopes of becoming a goose. And now look, it is too beautiful to eat!" Then the woman and the swan sailed across an ocean many thousands of lei wide, stretching their necks toward America. On her journey, she cooed to the swan, "In America, I will have a daughter just like me. But over there, nobody will say her worth is measured by the loudness of her husbands belch. Over there, nobody will look down on her because I will make her speak only perfect American English. And over there, she will always be too full to swallow any sorrow. She will know my meaning because I will give her this swan, a creature that became more than what was hoped for." But when she arrived in the new country the immigration officials pulled the swan away from her, leaving the woman fluttering her arms and with only one swan feather for a memory. For a long time now, the women had wanted to give her daughter the single swan feather and tell her; "This feather may look worthless, but it comes from afar and carries with it all my good intentions."More [05/15/2008 12:05:00]
[Sunshine has brought her widow sisters]
Sunshine: It is very sad. They have no husbands and they cry.
Jack Crabb: Well, that's too bad; I'm sorry.
Sunshine: Digging Bear had a baby and lost it. And so did Corn Woman. But Little Elk had no baby at all.
Jack Crabb: All right, what do you want me to do about it?
Sunshine: I knew you'd understand.More [07/27/2008 12:07:00]
Uncle Charlie:
The cities are full of women, middle-aged widows, husbands, dead, husbands who've spent their lives making fortunes, working and working. And then they die and leave their money to their wives, their silly wives. And what do the wives do, these useless women? You see them in the hotels, the best hotels, every day by the thousands, drinking the money, eating the money, losing the money at bridge, playing all day and all night, smelling of money, proud of their jewelry but of nothing else, horrible, faded, fat, greedy women... Are they human or are they fat, wheezing animals, hmm? And what happens to animals when they get too fat and too old?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Mr. Weidermeyer:
Well, I'm pretty lucky too. I have a wife who, whenever she gets something for herself, she gives something to me.



Ralph:
I wanna say, Mrs. Weidermeyer, that that's very thoughtful. It's not many wives who want to give their husbands something.



Alice:
Oh, I don't know, Ralph. I've been thinking of giving you something!... And you may get it real soon!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Mrs. Ann Anderson:
Here's something else you must remember: husbands like to be alone once in awhile.



Jennie Anderson:
Why?



Mrs. Ann Anderson:
You never know why, but I can always tell when James wants to be alone. A mood comes over him. I can always see it in his eyes before it gets there. I don't know where the mood comes from or why, but that's when I leave him alone. It seems sometimes things get so fickle in a man that he comes to feel that everything is closing in on him - and that's when he wants to be left alone. You understand, don't you?



Jennie Anderson:
No!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Madame Engadine:
Men always evade questions. All my husbands did.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Flora 'Sissy' Goforth:
Did somebody tell you I was dying this summer? Did somebody tip you off that Sissy Goforth was about to go forth this summer?



Chris Flanders:
Yes. That's why I came.



Flora 'Sissy' Goforth:
Well, well. I've escorted six husbands to the eternal threshold and come back alone without them. Now it's my turn. I've no choice but to do it, but I want to do it alone. I don't want to be escorted. I want to go forth alone. And you... you counted on touching my heart because you knew I was dying. Well, you miscalculated with this one. The milk train doesn't stop here anymore.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Jason McCullough:
After we're married - no matter how many kids we got - when I say we're off to Australia... we pack up, kids and all, and off we go.



Prudy:
What do I wanna go to Australia for?



Jason McCullough:
Because that's where your husband would be. And girls usually go where their husbands are.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Giulia:
[somewhat inebriated] Shopping is only for women. Husbands pay!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Big Joe:
...There's no booze, there's no broads, there's no action!



Captain Maitland:
That's another thing - don't fool around with the women. Their husbands carry guns. And don't forget, the penalty for looting is death.



Big Joe:
Loot what? There's nothing here to loot!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Mrs. Wallman:
[at the wedding gown store] Richard, really! Most husbands don't have the time let alone the interest to do this.



Richard Messinger:
That's because most husbands don't intend to dress up in their wife's clothes. Take it, we'll look wonderful in it.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Upson Pratt:
Reynolds? White? Talk to me!



Lenora Castonmeyer:
I just called to tell you what a monster you are, Mr. Pratt. And how I will rejoice when you're finally dead!



Upson Pratt:
Lots of people are going to rejoice when I'm dead. Who are you?



Lenora Castonmeyer:
Lenora Castonmeyer. I'm the wife of the man you murdered this afternoon.



Upson Pratt:
Mrs. Castonmeyer! How are you?



Lenora Castonmeyer:
I hope they keep hell hot for you! You son of a bitch! I hope they do. It wasn't enough for you drive him to his knees was it? No, you had to kill him as well! He came home... and his eyes...


[Upson Pratt begins making violin motions]



Lenora Castonmeyer:
his eyes were so dead. I asked him what was wrong, what could be so bad to make his eyes look that way. And the only word he could say... was your name. Ten minutes later, I heard the shot


[begins sobbing hysterically]



Upson Pratt:
Yes, George Gendron told me old Norman went out... with a bang.



Lenora Castonmeyer:
How many men have you destroyed? How many men have you killed you monster?



Upson Pratt:
Only the stupid ones. Only the ones who handed me a knife and then stretched out their throats. Only the ones who, if you'll pardon the expression, fucked up. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got this bug problem. So we'll have to defer your charming conversation for another time.



Lenora Castonmeyer:
I hope you die!



Upson Pratt:
By the way...



Lenora Castonmeyer:
I hope you get cancer in the worst place!



Upson Pratt:
Mrs. Castonmeyer...



Lenora Castonmeyer:
Syphilis! Leprosy! Scream in hell forever, you monster!



Upson Pratt:
Mrs. Katzenjammer... would you mind telling me who gave you my private number? I'd like to fire him.



Lenora Castonmeyer:
It was in my husbands address book, you son of a bitch!



Upson Pratt:
Well, I can't fire him can I?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Doctor:
I know it's an embarrassing question, even between husbands and wives, but what do you believe in?



Philip E. Marlow:
Malthusianism.



Doctor:
Come again?



Philip E. Marlow:
Malthus, but mandatory. Compulsory depopulation by infanticide, suicide, genocide or whatever other means suggest themselves. AIDS, for example, that'll do. Why should queers be so special?



Doctor:
I see.



Philip E. Marlow:
I also believe in cigarettes, cholesterol, alcohol, carbon monoxide, masturbation, the Arts Council, nuclear weapons, the Daily Telegraph, and not properly labeling fatal poisons, but above all else, most of all, I believe in the one thing that can come out of people's mouths: vomit.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Sally Miller:
After the game these guys usually go out together, they drink beer, eat pizza, tell off color jokes, and have belching contests.



Snow White Charming:
Why?



Sally Miller:
It's what they call male bonding.



Snow White Charming:
Well, Eric will just have to bond another time because he told me he's coming to my meeting.



Sally Miller:
Honey, none of the husbands go to these things. What makes you think you're married to the only prince?



Snow White Charming:
Trust me!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Marge accidentally got breast implants]



Marge:
You can't call breast implants a minor misunderstanding.



Dr. Hibbert:
Look, Mrs. Simpson, if you want, you can come back in 48 hours, and I'll remove them.



Marge:
You better. If not, my husbands gonna come back here, and do some malpractice on your face.



Dr. Hibbert:
Oh, yes, your husband.


[sarcastically]



Dr. Hibbert:
I'm sure he'll be furious.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Jack Holden:
[Jack and Michael have come up with a list of potential husbands for Sylvia and Peter has rejected every one of them] Bill, Billy Bob, Billy Joe? Come on, Peter, we're not asking you to marry the guy!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Red Green:
Every mall has three things the same: clothes, stores and benches for the husbands to sit on.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Mrs. Fisher:
In my day husbands and beds were very seldom mentioned in the same breath. Husbands were taken seriously, as the only true obstacle to sin.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Barmaid:
[strokes her husbands hair] Ooh, your dandruffs getting worse, innit?



Barman:
Fuck off!



Barmaid:
[walks away] Fair enough.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Charlie Mackenzie:
Tony, have you heard of this? Mrs. X? She murders her husbands on their honeymoons, then changes her identity and marries again.



Tony Giardino:
I never heard of it. So what?



Charlie Mackenzie:
I think I'm dating Mrs. X!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Lena is knocking on doors at the motel looking for Evie and Randy and finds two elderly women in one room]



Lena:
Hi, I'm looking for two teenage girls.



Old Lady:
Did our husbands send you?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Carol:
I can't live up to those women in the magazines. Why do our husbands expect us to look like that?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Sue:
I would have liked to have talked with her before she died.



Jude Fawley:
She would have enjoyed that.



Sue:
What did she say?



Jude Fawley:
She said we both made bad husbands and wives

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Minister at funeral:
[deadpan] Lester Richards is dead. And aren't you glad it wasn't you? Don't you wish you felt something? How many men here are attracted to Shelley, his lovely wife? She's a babe. And how many women here wish that their husbands would drop dead and leave them a big fat insurance policy? Yes, I thought so. Hell, it'll be years before you figure out what Lester's death really means. So let's forget the blah blah blah, and go have a drink. Amen.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Oscar Madison:
Blanche, would you stop pointing your finger at me and yelling. You got two other husbands here to do that with.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Rogers:
I beg you, apologize to Odette. You know you're going to have to sooner or later.



Derek:
Why do I always have to be the one to apologize?



Rogers:
Because that's what we husbands do. We hunt, we fish, we watch sporting events and we apologize.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Karen:
Jack I've spent years and my husbands millions learning about fashion. What are your qualifications?



Jack:
I'm gay.



Karen:
Oh honey what would I do without you?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Sal Brown:
[on husbands lack of height] If you pulled your socks up you'd blindfold yourself

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Colonel Partington:
Charlie, why didn't you take a vacation when Layla left?



Charlie Baileygates:
Why... why would I? Wives leaves their husbands everyday in this country... It's no reason to short change the department... it's not like I had the flu!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Sioux Chief:
Daughter, husbands like Man-Who-Fights-in-Dress don't come along every day.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Kim:
I'm not spending the next five years of my life having Joey listen to his mom audition husbands on the other side of the wall.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[to Jimmy]



Ruth Johnson:
The people honked their stupid horns and waved for one week two years ago and then went back to ignoring all of you! The city's heroes. But you're not heroes. None of you! You're husbands and wives and sons and daughters! And, God help me, I don't understand why! Why you would want to do a job that leaves a wife to explain to her children why that monster in there is all that's left of their father! Can you do that? Any of you? 'Cause if you can't then just - just leave me the hell alone!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Takato Matsuki:
Mom, Dad, why are girls so crazy?



Yoshie Matsuki:
They're not. Their husbands make them that way.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Lear:
I knew it would come to this! I knew you were malicious! I built my wall against *you* as well as my other enemies! You talk of marriage? You have murdered your family. There will be no more children. Your husbands are impotent. That's not an empty insult. You wrote? My spies know more than that! You will get nothing from this crime. You have perverted lusts. They won't be satisfied. It *is* perverted to want your pleasure where it makes others suffer. I pity the men who share your beds. I've watched you scheme and plan - they'll lie by you when you dream! Where will your ambition end? You will throw old men from their coffins, break children's legs, pull the hair from old women's heads, make young men walk the streets in beggary and cold while their wives grow empty and despair. I am ashamed of my tears! You have done this to me. The people will judge between you and me.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Sylvia:
Do you know how Florentine women ensure their husbands come home? Every morning they slip him a slow poison, and every evening the antidote. That way, when the husband spends the night away, he has a very bad night.



Gregoire De Fronsac:
You needn't resort to that.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Ben opens the front door]



Ben:
Brian!



Brian:
Excellent, Professor. You recognize the subject and can identify him by name.



Ben:
We've gone to bed.



Brian:
That's right, I forgot. The Stepford Husbands turn in early!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Woman:
I've tried everything, and I just couldn't keep those extra two-hundred pounds off! It started to affect my marriage.



Husband:
She was too big for me, and I'll sleep with anything!



Woman:
The Abdomatrix, the Thigh-asizer, tummy stapling, I've had my mouth sewn up, my hands chopped off, you name it, I've tried it!



Husband:
Except for exercising and eating right, porky!



Woman:
That's right, honey! Then I found The Dormatron! Using a new technology called bio-rhythmic-subconscious-gymnastics, The Dormatron exercises you while you sleep. Just strap in your arms and legs, put on The Dormatron headset, then wrap yourself in the special high-voltage electric blanket. Turn it on to 11 and burn those pounds away while a relaxing nights sleep! Now that I've lost 280 pounds, my husbands all mine again!



Husband:
That's right honey, no more escort services for me!



Announcer:
Don't be fat a day longer than you have to! Remember, being fat can even ruin a romantic cruise! *whooo* Call Dormatron now, at 1-800-sleepofflard. Or visit www.sleepofflard.com, and sleep your way to a thinner, happier you!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]

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