hockey

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hockey

Baseball happens to be a game of cumulative tension but football, basketball and hockey are played with hand grenades and machine guns.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
PLANNING VS REACTING: How organized are you? Could your life be called a ballet or is it a hockey game (or a pin-ball machine)? However, even in a hockey game, good hockey player learn to skate to where the puck WILL BE.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Anthony: You could fill the Staple Center with what you don't know.
Peter: The Kings are playing tonight.
Anthony: Man, I know you just pretend to like hockey to piss me off!More [09/12/2005 12:09:00]
I'm into the Play Station now and I just got the Super Nintendo. I like the sports a lot, like hockey and football. I recently got into these solve-a-mystery games. They're like a bad drug. They just chuck two weeks out of your life.More [06/30/2006 12:06:00]
I had all the usual ambition growing up. I wanted to be a writer, a musician, a hockey player. I wanted to do something that wasn't nine to five. Acting was the first thing I tried that clicked.More [07/03/2006 12:07:00]
[Batman and Robin are being attacked by Freeze's henchmen]
Robin: It's the hockey team from hell!More [03/19/2007 12:03:00]
Movie Hoodlum #1: [after Raph trips them to sabotage a theft and threatens them with a sai] What the hell was that?
Movie Hoodlum #2: I - I dunno.
Casey Jones: [jumps down next to them] Now *that*, was a crime, you purse-grabbing pukes. And *this* is the penalty.
[knocks them over with his hockey stick]
Casey Jones: Two minutes for slashing...
[does it again]
Casey Jones: Two minutes for hooking...
[again]
Casey Jones: And let's not forget my personal favorite: two minutes for high sticking.More [03/20/2007 12:03:00]
Thug: [of Raph] What the hell was that?
Thug: I - I don't know.
Casey Jones: [jumps down next to them] Now *that*, was a crime, you purse-grabbing pukes. And *this* is the penalty.
[knocks them over with his hockey stick]
Casey Jones: Two minutes for slashing...
[does it again]
Casey Jones: Two minutes for hooking...
[again]
Casey Jones: And let's not forget my personal favorite: two minutes for high sticking.
Raphael: [jumps in and knocks him down] How about a five-minute game misconduct for roughing, pal?
Casey Jones: Hey, Bogey... who died and made you referee? You did your job, now get out of here and let me do mine, all right? These JV low lifes need to be taught a lesson.
Raphael: Not like that they don't. Not from you.
Casey Jones: [Turns to see the thugs running away, turns back] Well, it looks like you're the one who needs to be taught a lesson, pal.
[Pulls out two ball bats]
Casey Jones: The class is Pain 101. Your instructor is Casey Jones.
Raphael: Look, I don't wanna fight you.
Casey Jones: Yeah, well, tough rocks, pal.More [03/20/2007 12:03:00]
'Skank' Marden: I play hockey and I fornicate, 'cause those are the two most fun things to do in cold weather.More [04/04/2007 12:04:00]
Mike: [shouts] Heads up!
[Tom catches the hockey ball right before it hits Tina in the face]
Tom: Little less wrist, Mike.
Tom: [throws the ball back to him and Mike catches it]
Mike: Got it.
Mike: [shouts] Game on!More [07/17/2007 12:07:00]
[after losing a hockey ball from the roof]
Dante Hicks: Are there any balls down there?
Jay: About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!More [07/24/2007 12:07:00]
[first lines]
Dante Hicks: [phone rings and Dante falles out of a closet] Hello. What? No I don't work today, I'm playing hockey at two.More [07/24/2007 12:07:00]
Amber Atkins: Oh yeah. Guys get out of Mount Rose all the time on hockey scholarships... or prison.More [08/12/2007 12:08:00]
Joe Friday: Hold it right there, Whirley. Police officer, you're under arrest.
Reverend Jonathan Whirley: I beg your pardon, what is this? Some kind of a feeble joke?
Joe Friday: Oh, it's a real knee-slapper, friend, if you consider California Penal Code section 4A, 4207A, 597 and 217 Theft, Kidnapping, Cruelty to Animals and Attempted Murder something to laugh about.
Reverend Jonathan Whirley: I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.
Joe Friday: My partner and I witnessed that little torchlight picnic you threw last night, we're gonna put you where your kind always ends up - in a seven by seven foot grey-green metal cage in the fifteenth floor of some hundred-year-old penitentiary, with damp, stinking walls and a wooden plank for a bed. Sure, this city isn't perfect, we need a smut-free life for all of our citizens; cleaner streets, better schools, and good hockey team. But the big difference between you and me, mister, is you made the promise, and I'm going to keep it.
[everyone applauds]More [09/25/2007 12:09:00]
Jack: You told me you played for the New York Rangers.
Billy: Are you saying I didn't?
Dr. Weitzman: Attacking a referee on the ice doesn't make you a hockey player either.
Billy: That guy had no right to be an NHL referee!
Dr. Weitzman: Although it did get you into our little group, didn't it?More [09/28/2007 12:09:00]
Davey Stone: How did you get so good on the ice, anyway?
Whitey: In the '50s I refed youth hockey for a couple of seasons.
Eleanor Duvall: Until a hockey puck struck him in the back of the head.
Whitey: Nothin' a metal plate couldn't fix.
Eleanor Duvall: You were in a coma for three months.
Whitey: I needed the rest, anyway!More [10/06/2007 12:10:00]
[after seeing Jason at the rave]
Kia: Was that him? The guy you were talking about... Freddy Krueger?
Lori: No, that wasn't the guy in my dream. That was somebody else.
Linderman: Who cares about some fucking dream guy, Ok? That psycho in the hockey mask was real.
Freeburg: Dude, that goalie was pissed about something.More [11/26/2007 12:11:00]
[Bobby Davis appears in a bloody bathtub in Mark's nightmare]
Bobby Davis: Hey Mark. You didn't forget about me, did you?
Mark Davis: Oh god.
[Bobby speaks in Freddy Krueger's voice]
Freddy Krueger: Oh that's right, everyone forgot. That's why they weren't afraid anymore. That's why I had to get Jason to kill for me to get them to remember. But now he just won't stop...
[Bobby shows Mark his slit wrists]
Freddy Krueger: That hockey puck.More [11/26/2007 12:11:00]
[Tormenting a 'young' Jason in his dream]
Freddy Krueger: Awww... how sweet.
[Rips the hockey mask off]
Freddy Krueger: You ugly little shit. Now there's a face...
[Holds up his mother's severed head]
Freddy Krueger: only a mother could love.More [11/26/2007 12:11:00]
I wasnt scared about the abnormality. But I was scared about not playing hockey again. That was a shock for me.More [11/29/2007 12:11:00]
Happy Gilmore: During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.More [02/03/2008 12:02:00]
Terry: All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there's a problem: you're not any good.
Happy Gilmore: I am good. You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher. I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they SUCK.More [02/03/2008 12:02:00]
Announcer: We haven't seen Happy Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead last.
Bob Barker: I can't believe you're a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.
Happy Gilmore: You better relax, Bob.
Bob Barker: There is no way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf.
Happy Gilmore: All right, let's go.
[Happy punches Bob in the face. Bob grunts as he stumbles to the ground]More [02/03/2008 12:02:00]
Mover: I'll tell you what, you hit a ball past my ball, and we'll go straight back to work so you can watch your precious hockey game.
Happy Gilmore: Give me the stupid club.
[approaches the ball on the tee]
Happy Gilmore: [judging the club] Look at this stupid thing.
Mover: This is going to be hilarious. I mean, look how he's standing.
Happy Gilmore: [sarcastically] Yeah you like that?
[Happy hits the ball, hits the window to the house at the end of the street]
Mover: Holy shit.
Happy Gilmore: Go back to work.
Mover: That house is like 400 yards away.
Happy Gilmore: Is that good?
Mover: That's unbelieveable.
Mover: Beginner's luck. Twenty buck says you can't do it again.
Happy Gilmore: Bring it on.
[Happy hits the ball in the same direction]
Distant neighbor: You guys are going to pay for that. Ow.
Mover: You hit that guy.
Happy Gilmore: He shouldn't have been standing there.
Mover: One more time, double or nothing.
Happy Gilmore: You better pay up.
[Happy hits the ball, ball hits a woman on the roof of the same house, falls off]
Happy Gilmore: Oops. All right, maybe we should get back inside.More [02/03/2008 12:02:00]
Professor Lowe: Can someone tell me what's on his face?
Janessa: Ahh... some kind of 20th century carbon filtration unit?
Tsunaron: It's a hockey mask.More [04/29/2008 12:04:00]
Jerry Maguire: What are you doing with me, Rod?
Rod Tidwell: Why?
Jerry Maguire: I'm finished, I'm fucked. Twenty four hours ago, man, I was hot! Now... I'm a cautionary tale. You see this jacket I'm wearing, you like it? Because I don't really need it. Because I'm cloaked in failure! I lost the number one draft picked the night before the draft! Why? Let's recap: Because a hockey player's kid made me feel like a superficial jerk. I ate two slices of bad pizza, went to bed and grew a concience!
Rod Tidwell: Well, boo-fucking-hooMore [05/03/2008 12:05:00]
Anna Riley: I haven't screamed that hard since the US hockey team beat the Russians.More [05/25/2008 12:05:00]
[to the hotel porter]



Cuthbert J. Twillie:
By the way, my ski shoes and hockey mask will be up on the next train along with the polo pony. I understand the countryside abounds here with wild game: flamingoes... wine wombats... Indian civets.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Tommy Marlowe:
What a vocabulary! Wait until I spring this on Pat!



Connie Lane:
Why don't you just hit her over the head with a hockey stick?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Oscar Madison:
Blanche used to say to me, "What time do you want dinner" I'd say "I dunno, I'm not hungry". Then 3 o'clock in the morning, I'd wake her up and say "now". I've been one of the highest paid sports writers in the east for the past fourteen years, we saved eight and a half dollars in pennies. I'm never home, I gamble, burn cigar holes in the furniture, drink like a fish, lie to her every chance I get. Then on our tenth wedding anniversary, I took her to the New York Rangers-Detroit Red Wings hockey game where she got hit by a puck! I still can't figure out why she left me, that's how impossible I am.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Jim Carr:
Here's a name for you nostalgia fans: Clarence "Screaming Buffalo" Swamptown. I'll never forget an exclusive interview in which Swamptown revealed that he calls his hockey stick the "Big Tomahawk," and he usually refers to the opposing players as "the little scalps".

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Reggie Dunlop:
You mean you could sell us, but you won't?



Anita McCambridge:
I could probably sell you, but I can't.



Reggie Dunlop:
Well - you know, uh - we're human beings, you know.



Anita McCambridge:
I have to confess I've never let the children watch a hockey game. I have a theory that children imitate what they see on a TV screen. If they see violence, they'll become violent. If they see someone stick up a bank, they'll stick up a bank. Heroin. You name it.



Reggie Dunlop:
You're fucked!



Anita McCambridge:
What?



Reggie Dunlop:
You are totally fucked! You're garbage for letting us all go down the drain.



Anita McCambridge:
Are you serious?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Alexis has just done an excellent skating job, and she skates over to Deborah and the film crew, hugging everyone and crying, "I love you!" Then she looks up to see Nick, who has a shattered, excluded expression, and he turns to leave. Lexie chases after him into the crowd]



Alexis Winston:
Nick! Nick! Nicky! Hey!


[She grabs him, but he is insulted and looks as though he wants to leave]



Alexis Winston:
Come on.


[Her name is being announced on the loudspeaker to come forth and win a prize]



Alexis Winston:
Come on. Please, Nick, I have to go.



Nick Peterson:
[bitterly] Looks like you got everything you wanted.


[They share tragic looks. The announcer is calling for Alexis to come accept her prize]



Alexis Winston:
[upset, and in agony] Why don't you just go try out for another hockey team?


[This hurts Nick terribly, and his chest is heaving as he watches her leave for the ice rink]

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Parking attendant:
Hey, you! Six-fifty!


[Rosey pulls his jacket down around his arms, hockey style, and shows the guy his fists]



Jean LaRose:
All I got's two fives!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Doug McKenzie:
[after taking multiple checks from the opposing hockey team] Ow, my left nut!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Danny Rose:
I need a valium the size of a hockey puck.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Stingray:
Oh man! I'm such a hockey puck!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Jessie Chadwick:
I think all hockey players should know how to read and write.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Kelly Youngblood:
Would you rather spread manure, or play hockey in Madison Square Garden in front of 20,000 people?



Dean Youngblood:
Spread manure.



Kelly Youngblood:
You candy ass!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Mrs. Penny:
Kevin, don't eat with your face.



Kevin Penny:
Mom, we're in a hurry so we can go bowling with Anthony.



Eddie Beckner:
And then to the movies.



Mrs. Penny:
What movie?



Eddie Beckner:
Garden Tool Massacre, it's your basic slice and dice.



Mrs. Penny:
Your basic what?



Eddie Beckner:
Well this guy in a hockey mask, he chops up a few teenagers, but don't worry, there's no sex or anything bad.



Mrs. Penny:
They won't let you kids into a movie like that.



Eddie Beckner:
No problem, my brother's an usher.



Mrs. Penny:
No. Absolutely not.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Barney:
These things don't happen in New York! I just hope a guy in a hockey mask named Jason doesn't show up!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Nick Deezy:
[In bed, Hillary removes her panties and hands them to Nick] Another man has been holding these panties. You know I can tell.



Hillary:
It's, it's my father.



Nick Deezy:
What?



Hillary:
He did my laundry for me, I swear.



Nick Deezy:
Your father's a professional hockey player who scored two goals that night... and an assist?



Hillary:
Oh, God. I should have burned those panties.



Nick Deezy:
But why, Hillary? Why would you wanna sleep with...



Hillary:
I was lonely! You were gone! I went out with a bunch of girls. I had a bunch of drinks. We met a bunch of guys.



Nick Deezy:
You had a bunch of sex!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Detective Lance Boyle:
[seeing the first murder victim, a guy dressed in full hockey outfit] Boy, hockey is a tough sport!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Tim's hockey puck machine misfires a puck onto The Colonel's car]



The Colonel:
My car.



Tim:
It was Jill.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Doyle doesn't want to come with Dutch; Dutch carries him out of his dorm slung underneath a hockey stick, with his hands and feet tied to the stick and a gag in his mouth]



Dutch:
What do you like to do for fun?


[Doyle struggles to get loose, grunting around the gag]



Dutch:
Oh, you like to wiggle and grunt. Me too.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Kate:
I'm sure I don't do anything you would find exciting. I don't open beer bottles with my toes, I don't sit around and count what's left of my teeth, hey, I don't even enjoy a good tractor pull.



Doug:
Life of the party, huh? Place must be crawling with guys.



Kate:
As a matter of fact, I do have a boyfriend.



Doug:
Well there's a rough gig. What do you do, keep him chained up in the basement?



Kate:
Hale at the moment is working in my father's London office, he's an MBA - Harvard. You may have heard of it. They do have a hockey team.



Doug:
He must be very smart. I bet you look pretty good from a few thousand miles away.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Kate:
If you're so bored, why don't you read?



Doug:
You mean like a book?



Kate:
That is the generally accepted format, yes.



Kate:
What was the last book you read? You were in college?



Doug:
The last thing I read in college was a letter canceling my scholarship when I couldn't play anymore.



Kate:
Okay, high school.



Doug:
I was a hockey player. The only thing I had to read was a scoreboard.



Kate:
And they graduated you?



Doug:
They revered me. I was a God.



Kate:
What a tragic commentary on our times.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Calgary Cop:
Name, son?


[as Doug is charging down the ramp to the arena, late for his Olympic hockey game]



Doug:
Dorsey, U.S. Hockey!



Calgary Cop:
Hell, son, they're just about to start!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Doug Dorsey:
[at the hospital after Kate hit his nose with a hockey puck] Toe pick!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Jesse:
Yo dude! You obviously in the wrong hood. This is my dominion, and it's a drug free zone. You understand? Now I'm feelin' generous today. So I'm gonna let you get your sorry vanilla booty out of here before we be usin' your eyeballs as hockey pucks!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Gordon Bombay:
Now here's the long and the short of it: I hate hockey and I don't like kids.



Peter Mark:
What's this supposed to be, a pep talk?



Gordon Bombay:
I'm sure this will be a real bonding experience. One day, maybe one of you will write a book about it in jail.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
District Five Peewee Hockey Team:
Take the fall at hurt! Get indignant!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[while playing with the Toronto Maple Leafs, Conan introduces a much wider hockey net]



Conan O'Brien:
Guys, as we all know, scoring is difficult. This is the approved NHL four-by-six hockey net. I give you the "Conan net" right here. It will revolutionize the game. Bigger scores, more attendance. In this version of the game, the goalie, on odd-numbered nights, would be allowed to have a piece of furniture with him to help. An ottoman, a recliner, or a small sectional. Not a *large* sectional.


[pause]



Conan O'Brien:
It's not a circus.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Larry Lipton:
You promised you'd sit through a hockey game, and I promised I'd sit through the Wagner opera next week.



Carol Lipton:
I know, I know...



Larry Lipton:
I already bought the earplugs.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Lenny:
I'm not a violence person! I write about boxing and hockey and football!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Ben Healy:
[Junior is bashing out the other Hockey players at the game for revenge] Junior, don't test me!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Mr. Potato Head:
What're you lookin' at, you hockey puck?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Contributor, 'Back in Black':
[after the 2003 Stanley Cup finals] This is how lame hockey has gotten: the country that invented it lost to a country that doesn't care about it, in a state that has NO natural ice!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robert Barone:
I could of been a pretty good hockey player. I was big, I had the toughness, good hand-eye coordination.



Ray Barone:
Yeah, but eventually you would've had to let go of the side.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Coach Orion:
[picks hockey puck up off the ice and addresses the Ducks] What's the one thing all great teams have in common?



Lester Averman:
Great coaching.



Coach Orion:
[unamused] Don't try to suck up to me, Averman.


[pause]



Coach Orion:
Defense. See, unlike scoring, defense never quits. But to play great defense you need one thing above all else.



Lester Averman:
[sarcastically, to Goldberg] Bet it starts with a W.



Coach Orion:
Confidence. Listen, if you learn nothin' else when you're here, you learn this, all right? This is not just about hockey. It's easy to be confident when you have control of the puck. It's very, very difficult to keep that confidence when you gotta take whatever strange bounces life throws your way. Don't be careless, but don't be too careful either. You cannot be afraid to lose! That's how you gain the confidence to attack the game when the puck isn't yours. That's how you attack life... even when you think you don't have any control. And that's how you play real defense.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]

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