bills

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bills

Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
You can take a chance with any man who pays his bills on time.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Birds have bills too, and they keep on singingMore [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Men are sent into the world with bills of credit, and seldom draw to their full extent.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Men are often capable of greater things than they perform. They are sent into the world with bills of credit, and seldom draw to their full extent.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Joanna: So, where do you work, Peter?
Peter Gibbons: Initech.
Joanna: In... yeah, what do you do there?
Peter Gibbons: I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch.
Joanna: What's that?
Peter Gibbons: Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits instead of four. So, like, 98 instead of 1998? Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh... it doesn't really matter. I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.
Joanna: You're just not gonna go?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Won't you get fired?
Peter Gibbons: I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go.
Joanna: So you're gonna quit?
Peter Gibbons: Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh... I'm just gonna stop going.
Joanna: When did you decide all that?
Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago.
Joanna: An hour ago... so you're gonna get another job?
Peter Gibbons: I don't think I'd like another job.
Joanna: Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and...
Peter Gibbons: You know, I've never really liked paying bills. I don't think I'm gonna do that, either.
Joanna: So what do you wanna do?
Peter Gibbons: First I'm gonna take you out to dinner, and then I'm gonna go back to my apartment and watch kung fu. Do you ever watch kung fu?
Joanna: I love kung fu.
Peter Gibbons: Channel 39.
Joanna: Totally.
Peter Gibbons: You should come over and watch kung fu tonight.
Joanna: Ok. Ok. Can we order lunch first? Ok. More [07/25/2005 12:07:00]
Kip: So, how long are we takin' about workin'?
Uncle Rico: What? Are you… you're already losing your steam?
Kip: No. I just… I have a chat room meeting at 4:00. I gotta be back here by then.
Uncle Rico: All right, you just start a little earlier. That's all.
Kip: All right.
Uncle Rico: Or else work afterwards. How long's the chat room?
Kip: Geez, sometimes up to three, four hours maybe... maybe not. I don't know.
Uncle Rico: You.. you… you pay the bills for that? Does that cost money every time you're on, like, for minutes on the phone?
Kip: Yeah. Grandma's still payin' per minute. She gets kinda pissed at me sometimes 'cause I'm on there so long.
Uncle Rico: I'll bet she does. I'll tell you something, I'd be throwin' you out the window.More [08/31/2005 12:08:00]
Uncle Rico: Just a little east of the cemetery is a good little area, but don't go down here cause they don't have any money.
Kip: So how long are we talking about working?
Uncle Rico: What are you already losing your steam?
Kip: No, I just... I have a chat room meeting at 4. I gotta be back here by then.
Uncle Rico: All right, you just start a little earlier, that's all. Or else work afterwards. How long is the chat room?
Kip: Jeez, sometimes up to 3-4 hours maybe... Maybe not.
Uncle Rico: You pay the bills for that? Does that cost money every time you're on, like for minutes on the phone?
Kip: Yeah, grandma's still paying per minute. She gets kinda pissed at me sometimes cause I'm on there so long.
Uncle Rico: I bet she does. I'll tell you something, I'd be throwing you out the window.More [08/31/2005 12:08:00]
Everybody's got bills to pay. Sometimes you see people just go straight for the money, and that's disappointing.More [05/22/2006 12:05:00]
I was only 11, it wasn't like I had any bills to pay!More [10/10/2006 12:10:00]
Jack Napier: Brought you a little snack, Eckhardt.
[it's a wad of bills between two pieces of bread]
Eckhardt: Why don't you just broadcast it?
Jack Napier: Shut up.More [03/19/2007 12:03:00]
Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?
Rusty Griswold: Sure, Dad.
Clark: Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...
Rusty Griswold: Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...More [07/20/2007 12:07:00]
Burke: You're gonna be so rich, you'll be pissing on hundred dollar bills just to see the look on Franklin's face!
Sheldon: I don't think I could ever do that. I have far too much respect for what that man accomplished.More [08/22/2007 12:08:00]
Carl Showalter: [entering cabin, with shot-up face] You should see the other guy.
[sees Jean Lundegaard's dead body]
Carl Showalter: Fuck happened to her?
Gaear Grimsrud: [watching TV and eating TV dinner] Uh, she started shrieking, y'know.
Carl Showalter: Geesus. Well, I got the money. All of it. All eighty grand.
[puts a couple stacks of bills down on table]
Carl Showalter: That's forty for you, forty for me.
[Grimsrud pokes at the stacks of bills with his fork]
Carl Showalter: That's it, then. You can have my truck. I'm takin' the Ceira.
Gaear Grimsrud: We split that.
Carl Showalter: [pause] How'dya split a fucking car, ya dummy? With a fucking chainsaw?
Gaear Grimsrud: One of us pays the other for half.
Carl Showalter: Hold on! No fucking way! You fuckin' notice this? I got fuckin' shot! I got fuckin' shot in the face! I went and got the fuckin' money; I got shot fuckin' picking it up. I've been up for thirty-six fucking hours! I'm taking' that fuckin' car! That fucker's mine! You fucking asshole!
[as usual, no response from Grimsrud]
Carl Showalter: You know, I've been listening to your fuckin' bullshit all week. Are we square?
[no response, staring at TV]
Carl Showalter: Are WE square? Yeah, ya fuckin' mute. And if you see your friend Shep Proudfoot, tell him I'm gonna nail his fuckin' ass!
[exits angrily toward the Ciera; Grimsrud follows him out the door with axe in hand]
Carl Showalter: [Showalter turns, sees Grimsrud striding toward him, axe raised] Oh no! Aaaaaah!
[Grimsrud strikes him with axe]
Carl Showalter: [he falls over, dead]More [10/30/2007 12:10:00]
Acting kind of pays my bills more than music does.More [11/04/2007 12:11:00]
Elliot Hopper: [answering phone] Hello?
Stuart: Hi, Mr. Hopper?
Elliot Hopper: Yes, I'll go get Danny for you.
Stuart: No, it is you that I want to talk to.
[pause]
Stuart: You see, I know you're an alien.
Elliot Hopper: [leans closer to phone] Say what?
Stuart: I want $50,000 in small-unmarked bills or else I go to the FBI and report you.More [12/16/2007 12:12:00]
Marlboro: I ain't leaving here until I have five big bills in my pocket or your woman in my bed.More [02/06/2008 12:02:00]
Peter Plunkett: [speaking to the ghost of his father in the office] What did you have to give me this place for? You knew I was an incompetent! All I wanted to be was happily useless. You made me miserably useless. What did you give me this place for?
[starts throwing papers up into the air]
Peter Plunkett: baths to run, bills to be paid, and then dying on me, just like that! Most people give some warning, you know. Premature senility, angina, gout, bed-ridden for years... but not you. Oh, no, no, no. Healthy as an old goat, you pop off one day in the orchard. And what then? Not a god-damned word, not a whisper? Did it never occur to you I might need some advice?... I missed you Daddy
Plunkett Senior: Aww! Give your daddy a hug...
[goes to hug his father, and falls through him, landing on the floor]
Plunkett Senior: Oh, sorry. Peter.More [03/13/2008 12:03:00]
O'Reilly: We can do this with or without violence, it's up to you. The client pays our medical bills but not yours. Well?
Robert: Oh, without, please.More [07/21/2008 12:07:00]
Gypsy:
Just two weeks ago, he (Eddie) sent me ten bucks for Christmas. I bet that's a bit of news to certain somebody.



Ruby:
He was tossin' ten-dollar bills to ALL the tramps at Christmas!



Gypsy:
Did you get yours?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Porter and his men count the proceeds from their latest robbery]



Sam Porter:
Well, I'll be danged. Nothing but old bills and receipts!



Charlie 'Shanghai' McHenry:
Why, the dirty crook!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Mr. E.L. Waterbury:
I've been watching you for some time, Mr. MacDonald.



Jimmy MacDonald:
Yes, sir. Used to make me kinda nervous.


[squirms in his shirt]



Mr. E.L. Waterbury:
Not nervous any more?



Jimmy MacDonald:
No, sir.


[squirms in his shirt]



Mr. E.L. Waterbury:
Are you a drinking man, then?



Jimmy MacDonald:
Sir?



Mr. E.L. Waterbury:
This is part of your yesterday's work. I believe your number's 112.



Jimmy MacDonald:
Yes, sir.



Mr. E.L. Waterbury:
The Contometer Computing Machine is almost fool-proof, Mr. MacDonald. Yet, you managed to miss your total by a little matter of $11,000 on this one sheet. To what do you attribute that?



Jimmy MacDonald:
I... er... I don't know, Mr. Waterbury.



Mr. E.L. Waterbury:
You're familiar with simple arithmetic, aren't you ? I mean, you know the difference between addition, subtraction and... possibly even multiplication?



Jimmy MacDonald:
Yes, sir.


[incredulous]



Jimmy MacDonald:
I'm pretty good at it.



Mr. E.L. Waterbury:
Have you troubles at home, then? Ya henpecked? Suffering from a broken heart? Had yer teeth examined lately? Do ya play the races? Or are you purely and simply incapable of doing your work?



Jimmy MacDonald:
Well I... I guess it's the contest, Mr. Waterbury - the Maxford House contest. I had no idea it was hurting my work.



Mr. E.L. Waterbury:
How much is the prize?



Jimmy MacDonald:
The *first* prize is $25,000.



Mr. E.L. Waterbury:
Unnh


[smiles ironically]



Mr. E.L. Waterbury:
I used to think about $25,000 too, and what I'd do with it. That I'd be a failure, if I didn't get a hold of it. And then one day I realized that I was *never* gonna have $25,000, Mr. MacDonald.


[reflecting]



Mr. E.L. Waterbury:
And then another day... uhh... a little bit later - *considerably* later - I realized something else - something I'm imparting to you now, Mr. MacDonald. I'm not a failure. I'm a success. You see, ambition is all right if it works. But no system could be right where only half of 1% were successes and all the rest were failures - that wouldn't be right. I'm not a failure. I'm a success. And so are you, if you earn your own living and pay your bills and look the world in the eye. I hope you win your $25,000, Mr. MacDonald. But if you shouldn't happen to, don't worry about it. Now get the heck back to your desk and try to improve your arithmetic.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Beany:
What's a hee-lot?



The Colonel:
You've ever been broke, sonny?



Beany:
Sure, mostly often.



The Colonel:
All right. You're walking along, not a nickel in your jeans, your free as the wind, nobody bothers ya. Hundreds of people pass you by in every line of buisness: shoes, hats, automobiles, radios, everything, and there all nice lovable people and they lets you alone, is that right? Then you get a hold of some dough and what happens, all those nice sweet lovable people become hee-lots, a lotta heels. They begin to creep up on ya, trying to sell ya something: they get long claws and they get a stranglehold on ya, and you squirm and you duck and you holler and you try to push them away but you haven't got the chance. They gots ya. First thing ya know you own things, a car for instance, now your whole life is messed up with alot more stuff: you get license fees and number plates and gas and oil and taxes and insurance and identification cards and letters and bills and flat tires and dents and traffic tickets and motorcycle cops and tickets and courtrooms and lawers and fines and... a million and one other things. What happens? You're not the free and happy guy you used to be. You need to have money to pay for all those things, so you go after what the other fellas got. There you are, you're a hee-lot yourself.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Colonel William G. Smollett:
Oh yes, and another thing. I neglected to inform your mother that I like my breakfast promptly at seven. Coffee, thin toast, and two eggs, boiled, two and a half minutes, under no circumstances more than three.



Bridget 'Brig' Hilton:
But golly, Colonel Smollett, we can't afford to give you breakfast.



Colonel William G. Smollett:
Indeed?



Bridget 'Brig' Hilton:
Even as it is now, poor Mother doesn't know what she's going to do. When Fidelia was here, the bills didn't seem so high, but now, with the way things are going -



Colonel William G. Smollett:
Please. I'm quite prepared to pay.



Bridget 'Brig' Hilton:
Oh. That's fine. What would you say to fifty cents a day?



Colonel William G. Smollett:
That seems a bit high under the circumstances.



Bridget 'Brig' Hilton:
All right, we'll make it three dollars a week. There's the doorbell. Well, let's call it a deal. Good night, Colonel.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Rupert Cadell:
[Phillip and Brandon have been arguing about strangling chickens] Personally, I think a chicken is as good a reason for murder as a blonde, a mattress full of dollar bills or any of the customary, unimaginative reasons.



Janet Walker:
Well, now, you don't really approve of murder, Rupert? If I may?



Rupert Cadell:
You may... and I do. Think of the problems it would solve: unemployment, poverty, standing in line for theatre tickets...

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Mrs. Finney:
Of all the times to quit a job, just before Christmas with all the bills due and five months due on the icebox!



Sadie:
You got to make up your mind whether you want your kids happy or your icebox paid up.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Sam Wellman:
When you've forged as many bills of sale as I have, you'll see how simple it is.



Jack Marlin:
Well, I hope you don't writer's cramp from forgin' 'em.



Sam Wellman:
Well, I only hope that you keep those fancy six-shooters of yours in their holsters. You know when the government starts investigatin' murders, it ain't so easy to fool 'em.



Jack Marlin:
You know as well as I do that we have to start usin' guns sooner or later.



Sam Wellman:
Well, let's make it later and we'll be safer.



Jack Marlin:
Anytime from now on is later, so you do the thinkin' and leave the shootin' to me.



Lou Banks:
Yeah, and I'll do the worryin'.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Brick Pollitt:
I'm ashamed, Big Daddy. That's why I'm a drunk. When I'm drunk, I can stand myself.



Harvey 'Big Daddy' Pollitt:
But it's always there in the mornin', ain't it? The truth and it's here right now!


[They run outside into the rain]



Harvey 'Big Daddy' Pollitt:
You're just feeling sorry for yourself; that's all it is! Self-pity!


[Inside the carport]



Harvey 'Big Daddy' Pollitt:
You didn't kill Skipper. He killed himself. You and Skipper and millions like you are living in a kids' world. Playing games, touchdowns, no worries, no responsibilities. Life ain't no damn football game. Life ain't just a buncha high spots.


[He grabs Brick]



Harvey 'Big Daddy' Pollitt:
You're a thirty-year-old kid. Soon you'll be a fifty-year-old kid. Pretendin' you're hearin' cheers when there ain't any. Dreamin' and drinkin' your life away. Heroes in the real world live twenty-four hours a day, not just two hours in a game. Mendacity! You won't...


[winces in obvious pain]



Harvey 'Big Daddy' Pollitt:
You won't live with mendacity? Well, you're an expert at it! The truth is pain and sweat and payin' bills and makin' love to a woman that you don't love any more. Truth is dreams that don't come true, and nobody prints your name in the paper 'til you die.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Kit Preston:
Don't ever change.



Aunt Bea:
I try not to, but the bills at the beauty parlor get bigger every year.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Traffic warden #27:
What's your game, Mister?



Sir Guy Grand KG, KC, CBE:
[riffling a wad of bills under the warden's nose, to persuade him to eat a parking ticket] Grand is the name, and, uh - money is the game. Would you care to play?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Lamont Sanford:
Pop, if we don'y pay our bills the bank is gonna kick us out of our house



Fred Sanford:
[Esther walks in] Speaking of outhouses...

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Zeke Brown:
I take home two-ten a week man, goddamn. I gotta pay for the lights, gas, clothes, food... every fuckin' thing, man. I'm left with about thirty bucks after all the fuckin' bills are paid. Gimme a break, will ya mister?



Mr. Bird, I.R.S. Man:
Mister Brown, there's nothing I can do. I work for Uncle Sam . . .



Zeke Brown:
Fuck Uncle Sam, man! They give the fuckin' politicians a break! Agnew and 'em don't pay shit! Working man's gotta pay every goddamn thing!



Mr. Bird, I.R.S. Man:
You shouldn't say that about Uncle Sam . . .



Zeke Brown:
Don't point at me, you muthafucka! Get out my house! I'll pay the goddamn money!



Mr. Bird, I.R.S. Man:
[heads for the door] You bet you will, you'll pay it.



Zeke Brown:
Yeah I know I'll pay it! If I had the Navy and Marines behind me, I'd be a muthafucka too!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Jennings:
Teaching is just a way to pay the bills until I finish my novel.



Boon:
How long you been workin' on it?



Jennings:
Four and a half years.



Pinto:
It must be very good.



Jennings:
It's a piece of shit. Would anyone like to smoke some pot?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Bud:
Credit is a sacred trust, it's what our free society is founded on. Do you think they give a damn about their bills in Russia? I said, do you think they give a damn about their bills in Russia?



Otto:
They don't pay bills in Russia, it's all free.



Bud:
All free? Free my ass. What are you, a fuckin' commie? Huh?



Otto:
No, I ain't no commie.



Bud:
Well, you better not be. I don't want no commies in my car. No Christians either.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Bianca:
I'm gonna have to kill someone down at the D.W.P. I figure the only way we're gonna pay the bills next month in this dump, is to just take my advice which is to start our own coven.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[the federal agent turns to leave the couple alone with $750,000, less some wads of bills stuffed into his pockets]



Ed:
Do we *thank* you, or what?



Federal Agent:
I'd say I fall in the "or what" category.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Spirit of Christmas:
[complimenting Ebenezer Blackadder on his goodly nature] Well, it's a nice change from all these skinflints. You know that old fella across the road? Bags of money; I caught him trying to cut down on his heating bills by using his "John Thomas" as a draught excluder!



Ebenezer Blackadder:
Oh, dear! Old people today! Tell me, how do you get them to change their ways?



Spirit of Christmas:
Well, it's all visions these days. We used to use black-and-white line drawings, but the visions are more effective!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Stan:
You don't take care of bills by stuffing them in a shoebox!... We'll do less entertaining! And there is no reason on God's green earth that we have to have chocolate milk in the fridge at all times! Or French goddamn roast goddamn coffee, with goddamn cinnamon!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Jack Napier:
Brought you a little snack, Eckhardt.


[it's a wad of bills between two pieces of bread]



Eckhardt:
Why don't you broadcast it?



Jack Napier:
Shut up.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Wilmer Slade:
Isn't there nobody you could get the five bills from?



Jack Shannon:
I owe my daughter ten bucks for lunch yesterday. She's twelve years old.



Wilmer Slade:
Oh, man, this is pathetic.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Moses Baxter:
How much for the other stuff?



Alvy:
Ten C's. That's as high as I go.



Moses Baxter:
Yep, Alvy. You're as high as you're ever going to go.


[Mo hands the bills to Shades and they head for the door. Alvy sneers after them]



Alvy:
Very funny. Can i help it if my mother picked up a dose in the big one?



Alvy:
[calling after] You just wait. All those years out in the zone? Your kids'll make me look like Narcissus!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Andrew Jorgenson:
I want you to look at him in all of his glory: "Larry the Liquidator." The entrepreneur of post-industrial America, playing God with other people's money. The robber barons of old at least left something tangible in their wake- a coal mine, a railroad, banks. This man leaves nothing. He creates nothing. He builds nothing. He runs nothing. And in his wake lies nothing but a blizzard of paper to cover the pain. Oh, if he said, "I know how to run your business better than you," that would be something worth talking about. But he's not saying that. He's saying, "I'm gonna kill you because at this particular moment in time, you're worth more dead than alive." Well, maybe that's true, but it is also true that one day this industry will turn. One day when the yen is weaker, the dollar is stronger, or when we finally begin to rebuild our roads, our bridges, the infrastructure of our country, demand will skyrocket. And when those things happen, we will still be here, stronger because of our ordeal, stronger because we have survived. And the price of our stock will make his offer pale by comparison. God save us if we vote to take his paltry few dollars and run. God save this country if that is truly the wave of the future. We will then have become a nation that makes nothing but hamburgers, creates nothing but lawyers, and sells nothing but tax shelters. And if we are at that point in this country, where we kill something because at the moment it's worth more dead than alive, well, take a look around. Look at your neighbor. Look at your neighbor. You won't kill him, will you? No. It's called murder, and it's illegal. Well, this, too, is murder, on a mass scale. Only on Wall Street, they call it maximizing shareholder value, and they call it legal. And they substitute dollar bills where a conscience should be. Damn it! A business is worth more than the price of its stock. It's the place where we earn our living, where we meet our friends, dream our dreams. It is, in every sense, the very fabric that binds our society together. So let us now, at this meeting, say to every Garfield in the land, here, we build things, we don't destroy them. Here, we care about more than the price of our stock. Here, we care about people. Thank you.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Buddy:
No offense to you, but you are just an assistant. Now, granted, you're MY assistant, but still just an assistant. Dawn, on the other hand, is a producer. Her car phone bills are more than your rent. So, just how far do you think you'll get?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Carl Showalter:
[entering cabin, with shot-up face] You should see the other guy.



Carl Showalter:
[he sees Jean Lundegaard's dead body] Fuck happened to her?



Gaear Grimsrud:
[watching TV and eating TV dinner] Uh, she started shrieking, y'know.



Carl Showalter:
Geesus. Well, I got the money. All of it. All eighty grand.



Carl Showalter:
[he puts a couple stacks of bills down on table] That's forty for you, forty for me.


[Grimsrud pokes at the stacks of bills with his fork]



Carl Showalter:
That's it, then. You can have my truck. I'm takin' the Ciera.



Gaear Grimsrud:
We split that.



Carl Showalter:
[pause] How the fuck do you split a car, ya dummy? With a fuckin' chainsaw?



Gaear Grimsrud:
One of us pays the other for half.



Carl Showalter:
Hold on! No fuckin' way! You fuckin' notice this? I got fuckin' shot! I got fuckin' shot in the face! I went and got the fuckin' money; I got shot fuckin' picking it up. I've been up for thirty-six fuckin' hours! I'm taking' that fuckin' car! That fucker's mine! You fuckin' asshole!


[as usual, no response from Grimsrud]



Carl Showalter:
You know, I've been listening to your fuckin' bullshit all week. Are we square?


[no response for Grimsrud, staring at the TV]



Carl Showalter:
Are WE square? Yeah, ya fuckin' mute. And if you see your friend Shep Proudfoot, tell him I'm gonna nail his fuckin' ass!


[he exits angrily toward the Ciera; after a few moments, Grimsrud follows him out the door with an axe in hand]



Carl Showalter:
[Showalter turns, sees Grimsrud striding toward him, axe raised] Oh no! Aaaaaah!


[Grimsrud brings the axe down toward Carl's neck]

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Chrome:
There's something missing.



Smithers:
Missing?



Chrome:
Yes.



Smithers:
The bills lack nothing. Nothing missing from the bills.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Joanna:
So, where do you work, Peter?



Peter Gibbons:
Initech.



Joanna:
In... yeah, what do you do there?



Peter Gibbons:
I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch.



Joanna:
What's that?



Peter Gibbons:
Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits for the date instead of four. So, like, 98 instead of 1998? Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh... it doesn't really matter. I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.



Joanna:
You're just not gonna go?



Peter Gibbons:
Yeah.



Joanna:
Won't you get fired?



Peter Gibbons:
I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go.



Joanna:
So you're gonna quit?



Peter Gibbons:
Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh... I'm just gonna stop going.



Joanna:
When did you decide all that?



Peter Gibbons:
About an hour ago.



Joanna:
Oh, really? About an hour ago... so you're gonna get another job?



Peter Gibbons:
I don't think I'd like another job.



Joanna:
Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and...



Peter Gibbons:
You know, I've never really liked paying bills. I don't think I'm gonna do that, either.



Joanna:
Well, so what do you wanna do?



Peter Gibbons:
I wanna take you out to dinner, and then I wanna go back to my apartment and watch 'Kung Fu'. Do you ever watch 'Kung Fu'?



Joanna:
I love 'Kung Fu'.



Peter Gibbons:
Channel 39.



Joanna:
Totally.



Peter Gibbons:
You should come over and watch 'Kung Fu' tonight.



Joanna:
Ok.


[Peter nods]



Joanna:
Ok. Can we order lunch first?


[Peter nods again]



Joanna:
Ok.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Catita:
[at the Rio hotel, examining the money her husband has won playing cards] Goliena... what is this?



Goyena:
What do you mean 'what is this'? Money! And tomorrow I'll bring you a lot more from the same place I got this!



Catita:
But, Goliena... is this real money??



Goyena:
Of course it is! We're going back to Buenos Aires as millionaires!!



Catita:
[reading the bills and realizing the words are in Portuguese] But Goliena... this money isn't good... It's all written in languages!!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Elaine Miller:
Keep the small bills on the outside and call me if anyone gets drunk.



William Miller:
I will call you if anyone *anywhere* gets drunk.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Peter has taken some politicians to a strip joint, where one of them has accidentally killed one of the strippers]



Peter Griffin:
You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, you may have killed her when you hit her with the stool... I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her... smoking!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Erin Brockovich:
Isn't it funny how some people go out of their way to help others, when others just fire them?



Ed Masry:
Look, I'm sorry but you were gone for a week. I assumed you were off having fun.



Erin Brockovich:
Oh, and why the hell would you assume that?



Ed Masry:
I don't know. You look like someone who likes to have fun.



Erin Brockovich:
Oh, so by that standard I should assume that you never get laid.



Ed Masry:
I'm married!


[after a pause]



Ed Masry:
Look. What is this all about?



Erin Brockovich:
Do you want to know? Then you'll have to hire me back. I've got a ton of bills to pay.



Ed Masry:
Fine! Fine!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Eugene Levy:
Hello, I'm Eugene Levy. And yes, I'm an Actor. No, I said cappuccino. I'm here to talk to you about something very important. And no, it's not about me or my career. I'm here to talk about subliminal messages in rock and roll music. Or as it's simply known in some cultures, 'rock music'. You see, for years the government has been wisely coercing teenagers to buy products they normally wouldn't want, just to get their money. Fact! Kids don't have bills to pay. Fact! They don't pay taxes. But! They do babysit and hold minimum wage jobs that earn them wads of cash as substantial as, well, my body of work. But kids today aren't dumb. They're not gonna buy just anything. That's why the government has been planting small subliminal advertising suggestions in today's rock music. The results? We can now get these kids to buy just about anything. We can have them chasing a new trend every week. And that is good for the economy. And what's good for the economy... is good for the country. So God bless the United States Of America - the most ass-kickin' country... in the world!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Danielle:
Carmen: more cheer, less pole dance, 'kay? You don't want guys stuffing bills down your panties.



Carmen:
What panties?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Mike LaFontaine:
I worked some bills with a few Folkies, you know - "Put 'em in a cell with a long hose on him, put 'em in a cell with a long hose on him!" I used to say "If he's got a long enough hose, he's gonna have a lot of friends in the shower room." Folk audiences hated that joke.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[about the "police officer" at a bachelorette party]



Natalie Teeger:
Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.



Adrian Monk:
I don't think so.



Natalie Teeger:
Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."



Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.



Adrian Monk:
I thought he'd lost his wallet.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Prior Walter:
I'm a prophet.



Joe Pitt:
What?



Prior Walter:
Prophet! Prophet! I prophecy, I have sight, I see! What do you do?



Joe Pitt:
I'm a clerk.



Prior Walter:
Oh, big deal, a clerk? You, what, you file things? You better be keeping a file on the hearts you break. That's all that counts in the end. You'll be having bills to pay in the world to come. You and your friend, the Whore of Babylon. Sorry, wrong room.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
I have to stay in soaps to pay my bills to Kodak.More [07/15/2011 03:07:36]
Let me tell you something: I have members in my charter who, after paying their rent and house bills and taking care of their families, don't even have enough money left over to pay the fifteen dollars a week dues.More [07/15/2011 04:07:40]
What birds can have their bills more peculiarly formed than the ibis, the spoonbill, and the heron?More [07/16/2011 05:07:32]
It's a tough life being a pop star. You know, at the end of the day when you've paid all the bills and put the kids through college and that, you know, there's only enough left for a small island off the South Pacific.More [07/25/2011 05:07:35]

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