zoo

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zoo

Yippies, Hippies, Yahoos, Black Panthers, lions and tigers alike -- I would swap the whole damn zoo for the kind of young Americans I saw in Vietnam.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Ludovic: So, what do good man do in bad times?
Vet: They do what's right.
Ludovic: No,they get drunk. To good men.
Vet: Ludovic, tell me, what did you do before you got into this lets say zoo buisness?More [10/10/2005 12:10:00]
Mama Boucher: Bobby, deh ever catch dat gorilla that busted outa da zoo and punched you in da eye?
Bobby Boucher: No Mama, the search continues.More [12/04/2005 12:12:00]
Most people are really nice but some stare, like you're some kind of zoo exhibit and not a real person with real feelings.More [01/21/2006 12:01:00]
“We had a little walk around. We went to the zoo and it was wonderful.”More [08/07/2006 12:08:00]
Manfred: Hey, hey, do I look like a petting zoo to you?More [03/08/2007 12:03:00]
Gloria the Hippo: Melman! Are you okay?
Melman the Giraffe: Yeah. I often doze off while I'm getting an MRI.
Alex the Lion: Melman, you're not getting an MRI.
Melman the Giraffe: CAT scan?
Alex the Lion: No! No CAT scan! It's a transfer! It's a zoo transfer!
Melman the Giraffe: Zoo transfer? Oh, no. No, no. I can't be transferred. I have an appointment with Dr. Goldberg at five. There are prescriptions that have to be filled! No other zoo can afford my medical care! And I am not going HMO!
Marty the Zebra: Take it easy, Melman. We are gonna be o-kizzay.
Alex the Lion: No, we're not gonna be o-kizzay! Because of you, we're ruined!More [04/27/2007 12:04:00]
Julian: [begins waving to the zoo animals on the boat] Maurice, my arm is tired, wave it for me
[Maurice begins waving Julian's arm]
Julian: Faster, you naughty little monkey!More [04/27/2007 12:04:00]
Gloria the Hippo: What kind of zoo is this?
Melman the Giraffe: I just saw twenty-six blatant health code violations.
Marty the Zebra: I'm loving San Diego. This place is off the chizain.
Melman the Giraffe: Twenty-seven.More [04/27/2007 12:04:00]
Rollo Lee: Oh, great... terrific! He decides to keep the zoo open, so you kill him! Brilliant! Well done! Thank you so much, especially for shooting him right between the eyes, so that it doesn't look like an accident. Because the people at Octopus will know that he was coming here to close us down, so there's our motive for murdering him. Stunning! Well, Mr. Brain of Britain, what are we going to tell the police, who are, of course, already on their way here? Another example of the thoroughness of your plan! Go on, I'm all ears.
[Bugsy stutters]
Rollo Lee: What do you suggest we do with the dead body of the incredibly famous man, who you have just... ASSASSINATED?
[Bugsy stutters some more]
Rollo Lee: Sorry, I didn't... quite catch it... What? What was that?... Pop him in the blender?
[Reggie hisses at Rollo, trying to point his attention away from Bugsy]
Rollo Lee: I KNOW! I KNOW HE'S DEAD! I DID NOTICE!More [11/05/2007 12:11:00]
Willa Weston: I love this zoo.
Rollo Lee: I love zoo too.More [11/05/2007 12:11:00]
Rollo Lee: I think the whole Octopus philosophy is poison. The only aim of any and every McCain business is to downsize and halve the quality, to make enough money to acquire another business to downsize and halve the quality, to make enough money to acquire *another* business to downsize, etc., etc., without ever running a single one of them really well. And if anyone ever raises the question of quality, they're immediately attacked as an elitist, because at Octopus it's considered morally offensive to talk about anything but money. All so that Mr. Rod McCain can feel a little more powerful every day. That's why, instead of running this *wonderful* zoo - properly - we've got to spoil it in order to finance his next *mindless* acquisition.More [11/05/2007 12:11:00]
[the staff are now all reluctantly wearing animal costumes]
Vince McCain: And I want to thank you all, personally, for the incredible enthusiasm that you've shown vis-à-vis our latest new innovative initiative. You look fantastic. You're no longer a bunch of smelly old animal keepers. No, as of today, you are official Theme Zoo Visitation Enhancement Facilitators.More [11/05/2007 12:11:00]
[Rollo plans to keep only fierce animals in the zoo and get rid of the rest. Lotterby is trying to make Rollo think that meerkats are fierce so they don't get thrown out]
Rollo Lee: No one's ever been attacked by one of those, Lotterby, or if they have been, they never noticed.More [11/05/2007 12:11:00]
Heather: [very fast] Have small space aliens ever landed in your brain and told you to break into the zoo and free the kangaroos?
Ed: ...Not that I recall.More [12/30/2007 12:12:00]
Francis Fratelli: Sloth stop that.
Jake Fratelli: Do you remember when we took you to the Bronx Zoo and left you there?
Francis Fratelli: We've never been to the Bronx Zoo!
Jake Fratelli: Do you remember the time we were going to get your teeth fixed and we spent all of the money on Francis's toupee?
Francis Fratelli: I DON'T WEAR A hair piece!More [01/03/2008 12:01:00]
2nd Heavy Metaller in Parking Lot: [after being asked the lunchtime poll question] You go to the zoo and you get a lion. Stick a remote control bomb up it's butt... push the button on the bomb and you and the lion die like one.More [02/26/2008 12:02:00]
[Ringo is trapped in a cellar with a tiger]
Superintendent: Oh look! It's Raj, The famous Bengal man-eater who escaped from London Zoo this morning.
John: Good Lord! So it famous is!
Superintendent: Oh, don't worry, he's absolutely harmless. All you have to do is sing Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" from the famous ninth Symphony in D minor.
John: Of course! Why didn't you think of that you twit!More [03/05/2008 12:03:00]
Jerry Maguire: The fuckin zoo is closed, Ray.
Ray: You said fuck.
Jerry Maguire: Uh... yeah... I...
Ray: Don't worry. I won't tell.More [05/03/2008 12:05:00]
I didn't want to do a zoo show. I didn't want to do a study of someone with mental illness. I just wanted to show someone who was trying to live their life.More [08/26/2008 12:08:00]
[on the phone]



Dr. Garth:
Yes? Dr.Garth speaking. Well who is this? What do you want?


[in a false German accent]



Janet Blake:
Please come right away.This is the zoo speaking.



Dr. Garth:
The what? The zoo?



Janet Blake:
Ja! One of our elephants is seeing pink men!



Dr. Garth:
All right.Now listen to me,Janet,this has gone far enough! Well,there's nothing funny about it!I'm in the midst of a very serious...


[Janet hangs up and laughs]



Dr. Garth:
HELLO?


[hangs up]

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Popeye:
I've comes to take ya to the zoo to see the aminals.



Olive Oyl:
I'm too busy, Popeye.



Popeye:
[Under his breath] Oh, your loss.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Little Mary Haines:
I saw Mrs. Potter at the zoo that day



Mrs. Moorehead:
Who was she visiting with? The snakes?



Mary Haines:
Oh mother



Little Mary Haines:
As a matter a fact she was!


[Mary is surprised and laughs]

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Mac Thompson:
Hello, honeybun. Miss me?



Jane Wilson:
No, I can always go to the zoo when you're away.



Mac Thompson:
Oh, I've got rivals, huh?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[At Liberace's House]



Liberace:
What do we have for dinner?



Cook:
We have some breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks.



Jack:
Breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks?



Liberace:
Would you like to stay for dinner, Jack?



Jack:
Well, only if you have enough. I'd hate for you to run out to the zoo just for me.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Evelyn Harper:
Home sweet home! Just like the big cage in the zoo - only you clean it up instead of the keeper. Bucket and brush is in the corner closet.



Marie Allen:
Mrs. Benton said I was going to work in the laundry.



Evelyn Harper:
I'm the boss here! Start scrubbin'!



Marie Allen:
But Mrs. Benton told me...



Marie Allen:
[she sees another inmate signaling her not to talk back] Where do I begin, Mrs. Harper?



Evelyn Harper:
Now you're gettin' hip.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Mag Wildwood:
You know what's gonna happen to you? I am gonna march you over to the zoo and feed you to the yak.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Stephen Reinhart:
It looks like a zoo in Hell!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Captain Pike:
I'll break out of this zoo somehow and get to you. Is your blood red like ours? I'm gonna find out.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Warlock:
She lunches every day in the cafeteria, invariably alone. Sometimes after lunch she goes to the Central Park Zoo and sketches lions for half an hour. Only lions, for God's sake! She never speaks to anybody, except a couple of the black girls in life class. They look at her sketches and she looks at theirs. Sorry old man, it's not very much to go on.



The Whore:
It's quite a lot.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Told that a dead panda at the zoo died from a heart attack]



Carl Kolchak:
A raccoon, with a heart attack... maybe you fed it too much cholesterol.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Barb Coard:
Did you know that there is a certain species of turtle that can screw for three days without stopping? You dont believe me do you? But how could I make something like that up? Can you believe that three days? I'm lucky if I can get three minutes. You know how I know this because I went down to the zoo and I watched them. It was very boring. Well actually I didn't stay the whole three days I went down and I watched the zebras because they wont take thirty seconds premature ejaculation!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Badmouth in bar:
You know life really sucks. I mean this place is the pits. I think everyone in America's in here looking for cheap thrills. I can't stand it. I mean it is bad news. It's like a zoo in here. It's SO tacky. I'm-I'm going to get out of here... What are YOU doing here? Oh it's lousy!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Dr Harry Wolper:
Any news on that student assistant I want?



Mrs Pruitt:
Oh, yes. Mrs Gonzalez from the registrar's office called with regard to your request for another slave, and wanted me to remind you that she is still waiting to hear why exactly it is that you permitted Dennis Goffman to submit the Bible for his dissertation. Quote, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I subject another graduate student to the kind of zoo that - " and then she started speaking in Spanish.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Becky:
Nicky made a new friend at the zoo today.



Jesse:
Really? Wow!



Becky:
Come on, Nicky. Tell Daddy what your new friend said.



Nicky:
Camels stink.



Jesse:
And Alex played baseball today. Tell Mommy what you hit.



Alex:
Daddy's head.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
[explaining how he went mad] And they promised me students, but all I got were monkeys! Monkeys! Monkeys! So I took off my wetsuit, dropped that hedge clipper, and walked out of that zoo forever!



Dr. Forrester:
Well, you've created quite a little world for yourself, Larry...



Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Hey! Tell me how you went mad, now!



Dr. Forrester:
Well, it was the Ice Capades and I was hot riveting my knee caps to Peggy Fleming's zamboni... or maybe it was... '56... Sun Valley. I was found behind the soft-serve machine, drooling over a picture of Dick Buttons... or perhaps Oslo... I was found drunk and woozy... scratching the name Paula Cranston into my thigh with a nail... You see, I...



Dr. Lawrence Erhardt:
Was that when you went mad?



Dr. Forrester:
No, it's when I became a scientist.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Bart wants to learn about sex]



Homer:
I think he should learn about it the way I did.


[Flashback of Homer as a child, he is at a zoo watching monkeys]



Homer:
Zookeeper!


[points to monkeys]



Homer:
Those two monkeys are killing each other!



Zookeeper:
[whispers in Homer's ear] They're having sex.



Homer:
Oh...

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Denis Dimbleby Bagley:
My grandfather was caught molesting a wallaby in a private zoo in 1919.



Psychiatrist:
A wallaby?



Denis Dimbleby Bagley:
It may have been a kangaroo. I'm not sure.



Psychiatrist:
You mean sexually?



Denis Dimbleby Bagley:
I suppose so. He had his hand in its pouch.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Dutch:
I may not look like I could finance a trip to the zoo but the truth is I make a pretty good living. My income is a damn lot more than your father gives your mother to live on. But my money doesn't matter in your neighborhood, because I work for it. Working for your money doesn't matter in your neck of the woods, it's who's crotch the doctor yanked you out of.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Wild Safari Zoo PA:
We hope you are enjoyin' Wild Safari Zoo! May I repeat, so that Warner Brothers won't get sued if anyone really does this - do not get out of the car!


[Elmyra gets out of the car anyway]

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Miranda:
I bring home a birthday cake and a few gifts; you bring home the Goddamn San Diego Zoo and I have to clean up after it.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[the staff are now all reluctantly wearing animal costumes]



Vince McCain:
And I want to thank you all, personally, for the incredible enthusiasm that you've shown vis-à-vis our latest new innovative initiative. You look fantastic. You're no longer a bunch of smelly old animal keepers. No, as of today, you are official Theme Zoo Visitation Enhancement Facilitators.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
D.W.:
[Baby Kate is being changed] P.U! It smells like a zoo in here.


[Opens the window]



Jane:
D.W., close that. The baby will catch a draft.



D.W.:
Ew! My doll smells like stinky diapers!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Edward O'Neil:
I've seen monkey-shit fights at the zoo that are more organized than this.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Clown #1:
Kid, I'm a zoo clown. Now, buy a giraffe or go to hell.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Dennis Rafkin:
Did I say there's a petting zoo downstairs? NO there are ghosts downstairs Arthur!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
George Carlin:
People I can do without. This is my list: guys in their fifties named "Skip." Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with an Exxon credit card. An airline pilot who has on two different shoes. A proctologist with poor depth perception. A pimp who drives a Toyota Corolla. A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three or four drinks before the examination. Guys with a lot of small pins on their hats. Anyone who mentions Jesus more than three hundred times in a two-minute conversation. A dentist with blood in his hair. Any woman whose hobby is breast-feeding zoo animals. A funeral director who says "Hope to see you folks again real soon!" Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast. A man with only one lip. A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo shop. People who actually know the second verse to "The Star-Spangled Banner." Any lawyer who refers to the police as the "Federalies." A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin! A brain surgeon with "Born to Lose" tattooed on his hands. Couples whose children's names all start with the same initials. A man in a hospital gown directing traffic. A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand. People who have large gums and small teeth. Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their feet. And any man whose arm hair completely covers his wristwatch. All right, that's enough of that.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Jordan:
It's Jack's first birthday, I want it to be special. I got a petting zoo for the kids, and we need to figure out something great for the adults.



Dr. Cox:
How about a russian roulette booth? And here's the kicker, we put bullets in all the chambers, that way *everybody* wins!



J.D.:
[butting in] will there be a piñata? Because I need to know if I should bring my piñata helmet.



Jordan:
Up-up-bah! The only reason we invited you is because for *some* reason, you have your own Spongebob Squarepants Costume!



J.D.:
It was a gift!


[voice-over]



J.D.:
From me, to me!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Ron:
You're a parselmouth! Why didn't you tell us?



Harry:
I'm a what?



Hermione:
You can talk to snakes!



Harry:
I know. I accidentally set a python on my cousin Dudley at the zoo once. But so what? I bet loads of people here can do it.



Hermione:
No, they can't! It's not a very common gift Harry. This is bad.



Harry:
What's bad? If I hadn't told that snake not to attack Justin...



Ron:
Oh, that's what you said to it?



Harry:
You were there! You heard me!



Ron:
I head you speaking parseltongue. Snake language.



Harry:
I spoke a different language? But I didn't realize... how can speak a language without knowing I can?



Hermione:
I don't know, Harry, but it sounded like you were egging the snake on or something. Harry, listen to me. There's a reason the symbol of Slytherin house is a serpent. Salazar Slytherin was a parselmouth, he could talk to snakes too.



Ron:
Exactly! Now the whole school is gonna think you're his great-great-great-grandson or something.



Harry:
But I'm not!



Hermione:
He lived a thousand years ago. For all we know, you could be.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Andrew:
Maybe we slipped into another dimension.



Dave:
There has to be something to eat.



Andrew:
Like through a portal or something.



Dave:
There's nothing to eat!



Andrew:
A space-time continuum.



Dave:
Where's the food?



Andrew:
A black hole, or a red dwarf. Time warp! Maybe we fell into some sort of time warp. Abducted! Yes! Maybe that's it, we were abducted by aliens!


[Dave is babbling insanely on the floor and assembling a trap out of the garbage can]



Andrew:
And they've taken us back to their planet and put us in some kind of zoo with a sign that said, "Don't feed the humans," which is crazy, because we'll die, and who's gonna want to go to the zoo to see two dead humans? Unless they're going to eat us, but why wouldn't they want to fatten us up before the slaughter? Unless they're feeding us, and we just don't know it! Or they're not feeding us and they're just waiting and watching to see how we'll react, what we'll do! What are you doing?



Dave:
I'm making a trap!



Andrew:
For what?



Dave:
The food! The food, you idiot, the food!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Scudworth:
I first got the idea for Cloney Island after seeing the movie Jurassic Park 3. But my ill-conceived amusement park will be filled with human clones instead of zoo animals. It's as fool-proof as the amusement park in the movie itself!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
People go to the zoo and they like the lion because it's scary. And the bear because it's intense, but the monkey makes people laugh.More [07/27/2011 09:07:35]
I always wanted to be a zookeeper when I was growing up, and I've wound up a zookeeper! I've been working with the Los Angeles Zoo for 45 years! I'm the luckiest old broad on two feet because my life is divided absolutely in half - half animals and half show business. You can't ask for better than two things you love the most.More [03/12/2018 02:03:32]
A plague on eminence! I hardly dare cross the street anymore without a convoy, and I am stared at wherever I go like an idiot member of a royal family or an animal in a zoo and zoo animals have been known to die from stares.More [03/12/2018 02:03:32]
I'm not into animal rights. I'm only into animal welfare and health. I've been with the Morris Animal Foundation since the '70s. We're a health organization. We fund campaign health studies for dogs, cats, lizards and wildlife. I've worked with the L.A. Zoo for about the same length of time. I get my animal fixes!More [03/12/2018 02:03:32]
What I would say to the young men and women who are beset by hopelessness and doubt is that they should go and see what is being done on the ground to fight poverty, not like going to the zoo but to take action, to open their hearts and their consciences.More [03/12/2018 02:03:32]
My mom once lost track of me at the zoo and when she found me I was lecturing a man about the difference between dromedary and Bactrian camels. I was about 3 1/2.More [03/12/2018 02:03:32]
“I feel like a leopard who has been let out of the zoo and is back on the... jungle, savanna, whatever, I'm not sure where leopards live! The lions may be chasing me, but at least I'm in my element.”More [09/26/2006 12:09:00]

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