funeral

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funeral

In the city a funeral is just an interruption of traffic; in the country it is a form of popular entertainment.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
A funeral eulogy is a belated plea for the defense delivered after the evidence is all in.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
A funeral is not death, any more than baptism is birth or marriage union. All three are the clumsy devices, coming now too late, now too early, by which Society would register the quick motions of man.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Not by lamentations and mournful chants ought we to celebrate the funeral of a good man, but by hymns, for in ceasing to be numbered with mortals he enters upon the heritage of a diviner life.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Joy and grief are never far apart. In the same street the shutters of one house are closed while the curtains of the next are brushed by the shadows of the dance. A wedding party returns from the church; and a funeral winds to its door. The smiles andMore [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
John Beckwith: I crashed a funeral today.More [08/03/2005 12:08:00]
[at his wife's funeral]
Daniel: Jo and I had a lot of time to prepare for this moment. Some of her requests - for instance, that I should bring Claudia Schiffer as my date to the funeral - I am confident she expected me to ignore.More [04/03/2007 12:04:00]
Older Watson: A few days later, they buried Professor Waxflatter. I had never been to a funeral before, though unfortunately, I've been to many since. Holmes could not publicly attend the funeral. His expulsion from Brompton prevented such a thing. The death of his mentor and friend had taken its toll on Sherlock Holmes. In my entire life, I have only seen Holmes cry on two occasions. To-day was the first.More [05/10/2007 12:05:00]
Gordon Gekko: Jesus, if this guy owned a funeral parlor nobody would die!More [05/16/2007 12:05:00]
[In Cousin Normy's backyard in the pouring rain]
Ellen Griswold: We can't leave Aunt Edna on the patio!
Clark: Would you prefer I slip her in the night deposit box at the funeral home?More [05/22/2007 12:05:00]
[Koen talks to Katja in the middle of a car chase; Bennie is driving]
Koen Mast: What's your name?
Katja Wielaard: Katja.
Koen Mast: You said something about a funeral?
Katja Wielaard: That's the funeral of a girl who committed suicide because of a broken heart.
Bennie: [driving] Hello!
Koen Mast: What's that girl's name?
Katja Wielaard: Katja.
Bennie: Could you quit that yapping? I'm trying to concentrate here, okay!More [05/29/2007 12:05:00]
Ball: What you sayin'? We dead, motherfucker?
Mr. Simms: VERY!
Bulldog: Motherfucker bullshit! If we dead then what we doin' in a funeral home with your crazy ass?
Mr. Simms: This ain't no funeral home! It ain't the Terror Dome, neither! Welcome to Hell, motherfuckers!More [06/19/2007 12:06:00]
Alex Browning: [looking at Tod in the funeral home] Is that him?
Clear Rivers: I think so. Why did they make him look like Michael Jackson?More [06/25/2007 12:06:00]
Tom Mullen: [to Cubby who's] What is it? Come on, what is it? A name. I swear if you tell me, I'll make sure you get the best funeral there is.More [06/28/2007 12:06:00]
Miles Roberts: You're not going to be able to go to your brother's funeral either man.
Clark Barnes: SHUT THE FUCK UP!More [06/28/2007 12:06:00]
Lorraine: Black works Mom. Jesus like had his funeral on Christmas.
Henry Baker: Jesus died on Easter, Barbie!
Jessica Baker: Jesus was resurrected on Easter, moron.More [07/17/2007 12:07:00]
Jess Evans: Why get in a frazzle over Chisum? You turn me loose on him... there'll be a sudden funeral right here in Lincoln.
Lawrence Murphy: Uh-huh. Yours.
Jess Evans: How's that?
Lawrence Murphy: Do you play chess?
Jess Evans: Chess? What the hell has that got to do with Chisum?
Lawrence Murphy: Everything. You just leave him alone. I'll take care of Mr. Chisum.
Sheriff Brady: That ain't gonna be easy.
Lawrence Murphy: You're right. But see, there's a fundamental difference between Mr. Chisum and me.
Sheriff Brady: Yeah, what's that?
Lawrence Murphy: Mr. Chisum is a man who respects the law.
[Chuckles]
Lawrence Murphy: Around here, I'm the man who owns it.More [07/19/2007 12:07:00]
Harry Hogge: Drivers can't stand to be reminded of what can happen to 'em in a racecar. They, they don't go to hospitals, they don't go to funerals. You get a driver to a funeral before he's actually dead, you've made history, darlin'.More [08/20/2007 12:08:00]
[during Eva's funeral]
Eva Perón: [voice] Don't cry for me, Argentina. For I am ordinary, unimportant, and undeserving of such attention unless we all are - I think we all are. So share my glory, so share my coffin... so share my glory, so share my coffin...
Ché: It's our funeral too.More [10/18/2007 12:10:00]
Young Eva: [as she's being dragged away at her fathers funeral by his middle class 'other' family] No, he's my father! He's my father!More [10/18/2007 12:10:00]
Carrie: Having a good night?
Charles: Yes. It's right up there with my father's funeral for sheer entertainment value.More [11/24/2007 12:11:00]
Let no one weep for me, or celebrate my funeral with mourning; for I still live, as I pass to and fro through the mouths of menMore [11/29/2007 12:11:00]
Harry: [Kevin was almost mowed down by Harry and Marv] Hey, hey! You gotta watch out for traffic, son. You know?
Kevin McCallister: Sorry.
Harry: Damn!
Marv: [to Kevin] Santy don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy.
Harry: Okay, okay. Merry Christmas.
[smiles; his gold tooth glistens; Kevin gasps]More [03/22/2008 12:03:00]
Wade: I'm sorry, we just needed a fanbelt
Bo: A fanbelt? You walk in on a funeral for a fucking fanbelt?More [04/01/2008 12:04:00]
Kirby: Your packet has tickets in it, and there's your badge number.
Richard: Okay.
Kirby: Is there anything else?
Richard: Uh, yeah. Is there a funeral home around here?More [07/31/2008 12:07:00]
Seymour Krelboin: I didnít mean it.
Gravis Mushnik: You didn't mean it. You never mean it. You didn't mean the time when you put up the bouquet with the 'get well' card in the funeral parlor, and sent the black lilies to that old lady in the hospital. You're fired and this time, I, Gravis Mushnik, mean it!
Burson Fouch: [to Seymour] I think he means it.More [08/02/2008 12:08:00]
Hamilton: Whose funeral is this?
Black Man: Yours.
[stabs Hamilton]More [08/04/2008 12:08:00]
Will Varner: Thousands of acres out there. Millions of seeds put down in the ground, and every year the seeds come up again. Life goes on. Where's my crop, huh? What follows me? What happens when I'm dead?
Clara: You'll probably have the biggest funeral in the state of Mississippi.
Will Varner: That don't scare me none, just so long as there are plenty of Varners to mourn me.
Clara: Jody and I'll be there.
Will Varner: You and Jody and Jody's kids and yours and their kids, my descendants, sister, a line, a long line with my face stamped on 'em, my blood flowing in their veins.
Clara: All of that from the two of us?More [08/10/2008 12:08:00]
Pa Johnson:
[to Ma Johnson] The next funeral you go to will be your own!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Chief Jonathan Meek:
First case I ever covered where they had the butler show you the body.



Phillips, the Butler:
Follow me.



Chief Jonathan Meek:
[awed by the size of the house] If I owned this, I'd subdivide it.



Coroner Tim Larson:
What a beautiful funeral parlor this would make!



Chief Jonathan Meek:
Make a better courthouse.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Colonel Robinson:
Curious touch of the grotesque: A dead man on the floor; a condemned man sitting before me; and a Strauss waltz as a funeral march. What could be more entertaining?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Rosa Moline:
Life in Loyalton is like sitting in the funeral parlor and waiting for the funeral to begin. No, it's like lying in a coffin and waiting for them to carry you out.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Norma Desmond:
[Norma thinks Joe is a funeral director] I'd like the coffin to be white, and I want it specially lined with satin. White... or pink. Maybe red! Bright flaming red! Let's make it gay!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Dan Milner:
I'm too young to die. How about you?



Mark Cardigan:
Too well-known.



Dan Milner:
Well, if you do get killed, I'll make sure you get a first-rate funeral in Hollywood, at Grauman's Chinese Theatre.



Mark Cardigan:
I've already had it. My last picture died there.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Rudolf Rassendyll:
I know my clothes are a little conservative, but we English always dress as if we're going to a funeral when we're on a holiday.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Moe Williams:
I have to go on making a living so I can die. But even a fancy funeral ain't worth waiting for if I've gotta do business with crumbs like you.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Brett Wade:
Well, this is an honor. Probably the first time a corpse has ever been asked to deliver his own funeral oration. I expected to be carried out of Lordsburg, but here I stand on my way to Colorado filled with wind instead of lead. I couldn't include most of you in my will, but I do leave you all the unmined silver in these hills, all the unspilled whiskey, all the unkissed ladies and all the unfilled straights and flushes. I want to apologize for leaving the party. For me, there never has been, and never will be, another like it. And finally, I want to apologize to all of those of you who hoped to gain the distinction of being the man or woman to shoot and kill the notorious Brett Wade.



Jimmy Rapp:
No apologies necessary, Wade. I'm here to oblige you.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Kay Scott:
Personally, I've never subscribed to that old Egyptian custom.



Cary Scott:
What Egyptian custom?



Kay Scott:
Of walling up the widow alive in the funeral chambers of her dead husband along with his other possessions. The theory being that she was a possession too. She was supposed to journey into dead with him. The community saw to it. Of course it doesn't happen anymore.



Cary Scott:
Doesn't it?

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Jennifer Rogers:
I've never been to a home-made funeral before.



Capt. Wiles:
I have... it's my third. All in one day...

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Matthew Barnes:
Charity case. Nothing but charity cases. Who is gonna pay for this funeral?



John Banner:
You'll find $300 in his vest pocket. You take out for his funeral and send the rest to his nearest relative.



Matthew Barnes:
Nearest relative, huh?


[To corpse]



Matthew Barnes:
Nephew, you just found yourself an uncle.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Reverend Clayton delivers a prayer at the Edwards' funeral for Aaron, Martha, and Ben]



Ethan:
Put an amen to it!



Reverend Clayton:
I ain't finished yet.



Ethan:
There's no more time for praying! AMEN!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Will and Ben have made it back to the base and see the troops massed on the field]



Will Stockdale:
How 'bout that. It's some kind of real big ceremony.



Benjamin B. Whitledge:
Look... the flag - it's at half-mast. It's a funeral ceremony, that's what it is! Lt. Bridges and them others they didn't get out of the plane. Now we got that on our heads, too.



Will Stockdale:
Aw, now, Ben, they warn't so easy-going they wouldn't know they was on fire!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Criswell:
[narrating] ... All of us on this earth know that there is a time to live, and that there is a time to die. Yet death is always a shock to those left behind. It is even more of a shock when Death, the Proud Brother, comes suddenly without warning. Just at sundown, a small group gathered in silent prayer, around the newly-opened grave of the beloved wife of an elderly man. Sundown of the day; yet also the sundown of the old man's heart, for the shadows of grief clouded his very reason... The funeral over, the saddened group left the graveside. It was when the gravediggers started their task that strange things began to take place.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Criswell:
[narrating] At the funeral of the old man, unknown to his mourners, his DEAD WIFE was watching!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Seymour Krelboin:
I didn’t mean it.



Gravis Mushnik:
You didn't mean it. You never mean it. You didn't mean the time when you put up the bouquet with the 'get well' card in the funeral parlor, and sent the black lilies to that old lady in the hospital. You're fired and this time, I, Gravis Mushnik, mean it!



Burson Fouch:
[to Seymour] I think he means it.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Chamlee:
I'm sorry, friend, but there'll be no funeral.



Henry:
What?



Chamlee:
Oh, the grave is dug and the defunct there is as ready as the embalmers ought to make him. But there'll be no funeral.



Henry:
What's the matter? Didn't I pay enough?



Chamlee:
It's not a question of money. For twenty dollars, I'd plant anybody with a hoop and a holler. But the funeral is off.



Henry:
Now how do you like that. I want him buried, you want him buried and if he could sit up and talk, he'd second the motion. Now that's as unanimous as you can get.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Franco:
Tell me your last wishes, what sort of funeral procession?



Vittorio "Accattone" Cataldi:
Friends follow the hearse, first one to weep buys the drinks.



Franco:
What inscription on the tombstone?



Vittorio "Accattone" Cataldi:
Try it and See!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Ballet manager:
This ballet has historic significance. It was performed the same day as the funeral of the Tzar. Lenin himself made the arrangement.



Albert Peterson:
Lenin arranged music?



Ballet manager:
No, funerals.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Oliver Douglas:
But he couldn't be dead.



Fred Ziffel:
Oh, yes he could, I personally attended his funeral.



Oliver Douglas:
Are you sure?



Fred Ziffel:
I don't know what you do in New York, but around here we don't give a man a funeral unless we're pretty sure he needs one.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[last lines]


[United States Conqueror Worm versions]



Matthew Hopkins:
[voiceover] Out-out are the lights-out all!/And over each quivering form/The curtain, a funeral pall,/Comes down with the rush of a storm,/While the angels, all pallid and wan,/Uprising, unveiling, affirm/That the play is the tragedy, 'Man,'/And its hero, the Conqueror Worm."

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Newscaster:
It has been established that persons who have recently died have been returning to life and committing acts of murder. A widespread investigation of funeral homes, morgues, and hospitals has concluded that the unburied dead have been returning to life and seeking human victims. It's hard for us here to be reporting this to you, but it does seem to be a fact.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Cable Hogue:
Josh, it's about time you earned your keep. Preach me a funeral sermon.



Hildy:
Oh, for heaven's sake!



Cable Hogue:
A good one. Don't make me out no saint but don't put me down to deep.



Reverend Joshua Sloan:
You mean now?



Cable Hogue:
Yeah. It's not knowing what they're going to say about you, that's all. Now all my life, I've been scared of this living. Now... got to do the other. Now come on now! I can't wait all day. I ain't got any time.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Marion:
What are you, a mortician or something? This is the kind of music they play in funeral parlors.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Ronnie Corbett:
Good evening! It's wonderful to be back with you again, isn't it, Ronnie?



Ronnie Barker:
Indeed it is. And in a packed programme tonight, I shall be having a word with a man who goes in for meditation, because he thinks it's better than sitting around doing nothing.



Ronnie Corbett:
And we'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with The Hatchback of Notre Dame.



Ronnie Barker:
And we had hoped to have been bringing you Arthur the Human Chameleon, but this afternoon, he crawled across a tartan rug and died of exhaustion. But first, the news: The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister's question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.



Ronnie Corbett:
West Mersea police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.



Ronnie Barker:
Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred "Chuckles" Jenkins, Britain's oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred's jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.



Ronnie Corbett:
Latest on the bullion robbery: At Wansforth Police Station, a man who's as deaf as a post, and doesn't speak english, with a terrible stutter, bad breath and squeaky shoes, is not helping the police with their inquiries one little bit.



Ronnie Barker:
At London's Heathrow, senior customs officer Seaforth Mumbly retired today. He shook hands with passengers passing through the customs, and confiscated a gold watch for himself.



Ronnie Corbett:
There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.



Ronnie Barker:
The search for the man who terrorizes nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.



Ronnie Corbett:
Finally, it was revealed in a government survey published today that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men. Laurel and Hardy.



Ronnie Barker:
And now a sketch, featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett, whose wife tries not to bring out the beast in him, because she's afraid of mice.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Arthur Harmon:
Where is Hattie being laid out?



Maude Findlay:
MacDonald's.



Arthur Harmon:
MacDonald's?



Maude Findlay:
Arthur, it's a funeral home on Main Street. Next to the Burger King.



Arthur Harmon:
I'll meet you all there later. I think it's nice that Hattie is at MacDonald's. She deserves a break today.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Don Corleone:
Call Bonasera. We need him now.


[Tom Hagen calls Amerigo Bonasera]



Tom Hagen:
[on the phone] This is Tom Hagen, calling for Vito Corleone at his request. Now, you owe your Don a service. He has no doubt that you will repay him. In one hour he will be at your funeral parlor to ask for your help. Be there to greet him.


[as ordered, a nervous Bonasera meets the Don at his parlor]



Don Corleone:
Well, my friend, are you ready to do me this service?



Bonasera:
Yes. What do you want me to do?


[the two walk into the embalming room, where a corpse lies on a table...]



Don Corleone:
[staring at the table] I want you to use all your powers, and all your skills. I don't want his mother to see him this way.


[he draws back the sheet to reveal, to a horrified Bonasera, the bullet-smashed face of Sonny Corleone]



Don Corleone:
[breaking down for a fraction of a second] Look how they massacred my boy...

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Bob Falfa:
Hey man, I'm sorry if I scared ya!



John Milner:
You're gonna hafta do one hell of a lot more than that to scare me!



Bob Falfa:
Hey I've been lookin' all over for ya man. Didn't nobody tell ya I was lookin' for ya?



John Milner:
Man, I can't keep track of all you punks runnin' 'round here backwards.



Bob Falfa:
Hey you're s'posed to be the fastest thing in the Valley man, but that can't be your car. It must be your mama's car! I'm sorta' embarrassed to be this close to ya!



John Milner:
Yeah, well I'm not surprised, drivin' a field car!



Bob Falfa:
Field car? What's a field car?



John Milner:
A field car runs through the fields, droppin' cow shit all over the place to make the lettuce grow.



Bob Falfa:
Ha ha! That's pretty good! Say, I like the color of your car there, man. What's that s'posed to be? Sort of a cross between piss yella' and puke green ain't it?



John Milner:
Well, you call that a paint job, but it's pretty ugly. I bet you got to sneak up on the pumps just to get a little air in your tires!



Bob Falfa:
Well at least I don't have to pull over to the side just to let a funeral go by man.



John Milner:
Oh ho, funny!

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Captain Esteban:
I see you're dressed for a funeral



Don Diego/Zorro:
On the contary... the funeral shall be yours

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[at the funeral of Go Down]



Undertaker:
OK, Go Down, you got it; but believe me, whoever got you is goin' ta get got too; and that's a promise.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[to Livia]



Julia:
Take my advice, climb on the funeral pyre with him.

More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]

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