Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002]

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Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002]

Robin Williams:
I have one question for the ladies: Do we look like this?

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
Jesus was an only child, and thank God, because who would want to be Jerry, the brother of Christ?


[pauses]



Robin Williams:
That's a tough gig. I'd imagine he ends up in a bar at the age of 30 going:


[drunk voice]



Robin Williams:
"Yeah, I'm Jerry Christ, whoop dee doo. Jesus is a carpenter, I'm a plumber; you do the math! Yeah, I healed someone. Come here Spot, heel! Look at that!" And people tell me Jesus wasn't Jewish... of course he was Jewish! Thirty years old, single, living at home with his parents, come on. Working in his father's business, his mother thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish, *give it up!* It's an old tradition! And he was Jewish, and many of his Disciples were Jewish. But, for the Last Supper, would they not have gone out for Chinese? I think so.



Robin Williams:
[Chinese accent] 'Welcome to Yahweh. Hold on one minute; no service, no sandals. Okay, you come in now. Twelve, all I got is two tables of six. Wait a minute, you all sit here by the window, but you all have to face this way.


[Reference to the Last Supper by DaVinci]



Robin Williams:
Hold on! You are glowing, so I guess we don't need that lamp, that's very nice! And you've just turned a Szechwan chicken into a live chicken, you very good!'


[Reverent voice]



Robin Williams:
And that night, he said, "One of you shall betray me." And Peter said, "Is it me, Jesus?" And Jesus turned to him and said, "No, it is not you Peter." And Simon said, "Is it me, Jesus?" And Jesus said, "No, it is not you Simon." And Judas asked, "Is it me, Jesus?" And Jesus turned to him, and said,



Robin Williams:
[Jesus with heavy sarcasm] *"Is it me, Jesus?"* And now you see two traditions beginning: Jewish sarcasm and Gentile humor. Together born! At that main moment!

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
Michael Jackson's claiming racism, I'm like "Honey, you gotta pick a race first!" What, are you suing for mistreatment of elves, what are you saying? Girl, you gotta pick a gender too! You were Diana Ross, now you just left it all behind! Weren't you the one who said, 'Cut me, sue me, woo!' Movin' right along! And Michael, you're not, you're not a freak... you're just, surgically enhanced. And you've spent more money than the Vatican, so let's not talk about that right now! Shhhh! In Neverland, there's a sign that says, 'You must be this high to ride Michael!'



Robin Williams:
[Audience cracks up at this mean, but funny crack] Obviously, the lawyers at HBO are going, "Fuck!"


[Pantomimes writing a check]



Robin Williams:
But how fucked up would you have to be for Al Sharpton to go, 'I'm outta here!' If Al Sharpton bails on your ass, even rats would go, 'Man, that guy's queer!'

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[singing]



Robin Williams:
Oh Kenny Boy. The Feds, the Feds are calling.

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
The poor Canadian snowboarder, in the 1998 Olympics, they took away his medal because he tested positive for marijuana, which is kinda redundant number one, number two, they said that marijuana was a "performance-enhancing drug".


[buzzer sound]



Robin Williams:
Marijuana enhances many things, colors, flavors, sensations, but you are certainly not fucking empowered. When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is if there's a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run. Then you'll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, "I'm there!"

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
[on the CIA's vague terror warnings] Every now and then, Rumsfeld will come out and say,


[very serious voice]



Robin Williams:
"I don't know where. I don't know when. But something awful's going to happen. Thank you, that's all for today, no further questions." Well, could you give us a clue? What is this, the Central *Intuitive* Agency now? Are you working with Miss Cleo?



Robin Williams:
[Miss Cleo's 'Jamaican' accent] 'Oh, no baby! I don't know where, I don't know when, but sometin awful's gonna happen! And definitely don't marry that fat man; he only wants you for your money, girl!'



Robin Williams:
People are suing Miss Cleo for fraud. I'm like, "fucking duh!" What, do you need a blind tarot card reader before you go, 'Ah ha!' First of all, if she's a psychic, why does she need a fuckin' phone number, number one. Number two, and that fake Jamaican accent? If she was a real psychic, she'd be one of those Louisiana psychics, like, 'You gonna die! Come on now!' It's like buying hair care products by Cher. She's wearing a wig, you idiot! What you do, is you take that abdominal thing, that helps you lose weight while it shocks your fat ass sitting watching television. I'm getting six-pack-abs by knocking my testicles around! No, what you do, is you strap that to your head. And say, *I WILL NOT BUY STUPID SHIT FOR NO REASON!* Anymore!

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
Cut the foreplay, let's have ice fucking.

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
[on ice skating] And then there's pairs figure skating, and one very special lift where the male skater goes HUMPH


[thrusts his hand up in the air]



Robin Williams:
right here!


[grabs his crotch]



Robin Williams:
. And I'm like "cut the foreplay, let's have ice-fucking, c'mon!"



Robin Williams:
[pantomimes various skating and sexual positions around the stage] Oh yes, up, around, nipples across, and... behold, she holds on without her hands!


[spins in place with his arms out]



Robin Williams:
Yes! Oh! Even the French judge would go "I like it". I don't care, I'm giving them the medal, fuck the Canadians. So fabulous!

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
I find it very reassuring, George W. Bush talks to the stock market, and then


[makes sound like airplane crashing]



Robin Williams:
It must be him talking about business, it's like having a leper giving you a facial; it doesn't really work! Oopsey! "A lot of our imports come from other countries." No shit, Jason!

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
I do know there is one country that does not have a secret weapons lad in the mountains, that is not planning some horrible weapon of mass destruction: Jamacia


[imitates a Jamacian accent]



Robin Williams:
I-we man! Jamacia would never make an atomic bomb! We may make an atomic *bong*. When the atomic bomb goes off, there's devestation and radiation. The atomic bong goes off, there *celebration*!

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
[on Coco the Gorrila being attracted to him] Part of me went "could be fun". Make a great story for a bar. "I had a wild night in Vegas" Yeah, well I banged a gorrila!


[pause]



Robin Williams:
where ya goin'?"

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
Ling-Ling the Panda, she must mate so you can build a wing on the zoo. So they go to China, they anesthisize a panda, which is kinda redundant, and bring him back to America, and name him Ping-Pong, aw. When his Chinese name was "Moo-shu Ka Her", Bear with Balls of Steal. And they put him in the cage with Ling-Ling and say "Go mate", and he looks at her like...”I woudld never fuck her. That is one ugly panda bitch. If you were panda, you would know she one ugly panda bitch. I'd rather lick my own balls then fuck that panda bitch. I wouldn'd fuck her with a koala's dick."

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
The Biathalon is like Norwegian Drive-By.

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
Is it me, or are cat's drag queens? I think they are. It's the way they go, 'Who loves Kitty?'

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
The titties are out today.

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
Why get your tongue pierced? And she says, "To enahthe the thekthual thtimulathon."

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
And you can't bomb the Afghanis back to the stone age because they'll think, "Upgrade. Fun."

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
And if you are in a jihad and you kill an infidel, which, I'm sorry to say is all of us, and you yourself die, you will go up to the gates of heaven where you will be greeted by seventy-one dark-haired virgins. And anyone who has been with one virgin is going,


[side-of-mouth comment]



Robin Williams:
"I don't know!"


[as virgin twit]



Robin Williams:
"For my talent portion!" No, no, no! But recently, there was an article in the New York Times, the Koran scholars tell us that the actual translation is not 71 dark-haired virgins, but 71 Crystal-Clear Raisins... slight difference of interpretation, really! That's so strange, it's like, "thou shalt not kill," is "thou shalt not wear a kilt!" And the Scots are going, fuck off - virgins. But the Koran scholars tell us that the actual translation is "71 Crystal-Clear Raisins"... slight difference of interpretation, really.

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
Osama Bin-Ladin is a six-foot-five Arab on dialysis... why is that so fucking hard to find?

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
This is Enron Field, we were gonna call it Fifth Amendment Field... We can't call it "We're Fucked" Field.

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
They don't even bother drug-testing the snowboarders, they just go "Get the fuck out."

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
Instead of on the dollar bill, instead of "in God we trust", "in Gates we trust." Mr Gates, when did you realize you were creating a monopoly? "Monopoly's just a game, Senator... I'm trying to control the fucking world. Right now it's Information Technology. Soon it will be Total Information Technology: TIT. And while you're sucking on the TIT, I have you by the motherboard!"

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
Get out of here, you goofy little Canadian bastard eh.

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
I know there's a cure for bio terrorism or whatever it is, and I know it lies within Keith Richards. He is the only man on the planet who can go "Anthrax?"


[sniffs]



Robin Williams:
All RIGHT... This'll go great with my e-coli" Keith is the only man who can make the Osbornes look fucking Amish.

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Robin Williams:
God bless you Canadian people. You're so fucking nice eh.

More Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] Movie: Robin Williams: Live on Broadway [2002] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]

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