Driver On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger. "Frickin 'eck" says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!".More Sports Tiger Woods [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Jesus and Moses Jesus and Moses are playing golf. On the 5th hole, a shot over water to an island green, Moses hits his 6-iron and it lands perfectly on the green. Jesus takes out his 7-iron and begins tee-ing it up.
Moses says: "The 7 isn't enough club. It'll go in the water"
Jesus replies: "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it."
He swings the 7-iron and sure enough, straight in the drink. He tees up a second ball and grabs his 7-iron again. Again Moses reminds him of his previous attempt and Jesus says, "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it." "PLOP" in the water, it goes again. He continues this until he has hit all his golf balls into the water. At this point, he begins walking out on the water looking down to locate his lost golf balls. The foursome behind them approaches the tee, spots Jesus out on the lake and says to Moses, "Hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses replies, "No, Tiger Woods."More Sports Tiger Woods [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
He Who Eats Cereal Who eats cereal and plays golf?
Tony the Tiger Woods.More One Liners Tiger Woods [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Tiger Woods Yo momma so stupid, she thought that Tiger Woods was a place that was dangerous.More Other / Misc Tiger Woods [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Well Below Par The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand, "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"
"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal, and then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as
your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicklaus was honored, and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
"I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"And the bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."More Religious Tiger Woods [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Tiger Woods What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
Santa only has three Ho's.More Insults Tiger Woods [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana Tiger Woods has a better driverMore Tiger Woods [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
your name matches what you do It's true that sometimes your name matches what you do.
Stephen Ireland - played football for Ireland
Jason Scotland - played football in Scotland
Scott Speed - NASCAR driver
Tiger Woods - golfer
Cardinal Sin - Filipino archbishop of Manilla
Usain Bolt - fastest person in the world
God only knows what Iíll do. What does the future hold for Pete O' Fyle?More Tiger Woods [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
[LONG] The telephone rang at dawn. 'Hello, Senor George? This is Roberto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Hi Roberto. How are you? Is there a problem?'
'Uh, I am just calling to tell you, Senor George, that your parrot died.'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that collected three prizes at the New York bird show?'
'Yes, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a real shame. I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating rotten meat, Senor George.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor George.'
'My favorite thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor George, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'What are you talking about? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'My God! What do you mean fire? Where?'
'At your house, Senor. A candle fell and the curtains caught fire.'
'What the hell! Are you telling me that my eight million dollar mansion has been destroyed because of a candle?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so, Senor George.'
'But i don't understand, there's electricity at the house, so what's the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor George.'
'What goddamn funeral?'
'Your wife's, Senor George. She showed up unexpectedly one night and i thought she was a burglar. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods one iron.'
There was a lengthy silence.
'Roberto, if you broke that golf club, you're in real trouble...'More Tiger Woods [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
And so EA Sports said... "Hey baby... Wanna come to my room? Because I want my Tiger Woods PGA Tour 14 up your ass."More Tiger Woods [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
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