If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a
Windows box crashed...
Oh, wait a minute, he already does.More Computer jokes Bill Gates [01/01/2018 12:01:01]
Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world
revolve around him.More Computer jokes Bill Gates [01/01/2018 12:01:01]
Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb?
A: He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard.More Computer jokes Bill Gates [01/01/2018 12:01:01]
Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself
face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill,
I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped
enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in
America, yet you
also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other
believe I'll do something I've never done before;
I'll let you decide
where you want to go."
Bill pushed up
his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you
explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly
said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places
then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first,
Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a
moment, then looked back at
God and said, "I think I'll try Hell f
irst." So, with a flash of
lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill
Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked
around. It was a beautiful
and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy
beaches and tall mountains, clear
skies, pristine water, and beautiful
women frolicking about. A smile
came across Bill's face as he took
in a deep breath of the clean air.
"This is great," he thought, "if
this is Hell, I can't wait to see
of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud
appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high
clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps
singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill
thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped his hands
around his mouth and yelled for God
and Bill Gates was sent to Hell
Time passed, and God decided to check on t
he late billionaire to see
how he was progressing in Hell. When he
got there, he found Bill Gates
shackled to a wall in a dark cave
amid bone thin men and tongues of fire,
being burned and tortured by
"So, how is everything going?" God asked.
responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and
disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first
time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other
place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful
"That was the demo," replied God.More Computer jokes Bill Gates [01/01/2018 12:01:01]
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill
Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together
traveling through stormy conditions.
Suddenly, the pilot came running
back to the passengers and announced
that lightning had hit the
plane, and they were going to crash in a
matter of minutes. "There are
only enough parachutes for four of the five
of us," he announced.
"Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After
saying this, the pilot
grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
"I'm the world's
greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon.
"This world needs
great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then
parachute and leaped out of the plane.
"I'm the smarest man in the
world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world
needs smart men, so I must also
live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute
and jumped out of the
At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long
compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will
go down with
"You don't have to stay here! The
world's smartest man jumped out of
the plane with my backpack."More Computer jokes Bill Gates [01/01/2018 12:01:01]
Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house?
He uses "windows".More Computer jokes Bill Gates [01/01/2018 12:01:01]
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
...Barbie doll with Bill Gates' headMore Barbie doll jokes Bill Gates [01/01/2018 12:01:01]
Microsoft v General Motors Microsoft Vs. General Motors
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would the be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive-but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?", before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.More News / Politics Bill Gates [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Windows 2000 The following are new Windows messages that are under
consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20. User Error: Replace user.
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and
all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.More Tech Bill Gates [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
A Guy was Walking Along the Beach A guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold, it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared.
This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.
"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says the guy.
The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp, he learned that Bill Gates was indeed, the richest man in the world.
"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish?"
"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."
"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.
The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl--nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a girl magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy could not find anything that warranted using his third and last wish.
"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later?"
"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, and I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.
The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so-valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns on the radio to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.
After that, he pulls off the beach and heads south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he's up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy is so happy that he begins to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.
"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener..."More Other / Misc Bill Gates [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
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