Saddam Hussein

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Saddam Hussein

Saddam Hussein

President of Iraq since 1979.
where does saddam hussein keep his c.d
collection?

In Iraq (a rack)More Ethnic jokes Saddam Hussein [01/01/2018 12:01:01]
Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer
have in
common ?
A: They both want to know where the hell those
Tomahawks are coming
from !More Military jokes Saddam Hussein [01/01/2018 12:01:01]
Hello! Mr Hussein? Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes 8!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."

"Really?" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have a thousand bombers, 500 MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Faith and begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."More Other / Misc Saddam Hussein [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Clintons Testimony By Dr Seuss I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you''ve been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her ''round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn''t, even with my wife
And Jennifer Flowers'' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don''t remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don''t recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy
I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have -once with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed
It never happened with a cigar
I never dated Mrs.Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you''ve caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhaleMore News / Politics Saddam Hussein [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Why I'm So Tired! For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice.More At Work Saddam Hussein [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
17 Ways to Answer a Salesman 1. San Diego police department, how may we help you?
2. Hi! Would you like to buy a new sofa, fridge or car? What about a vacuum?
3. Hello earthling. I am an alien. You may not know this, but right now, I am having sex with your ear.
4. Let your child answer the phone and tell them to say this: "Will you be my friend?"
5. Burp into the phone.
6. Fart into the phone.
7. Yes, I'd like to order one large mushroom pizza, and cheese sticks...
8. Hello, the president is not in his office at this moment, this is his secretary, can I take a message?
9. Saddam Hussein's headquarters. May I ask why you are calling?
10. Konnichiwa. Aji tunti wahika nu popo bwah? Bunwaf huji toe... (you get the point.)
11. Nobody's home! (hang up)
12. Push random buttons on the phone and make music with the beeps, don't stop until they hang up.
13. Be a pest, say "Why are you trying to sell me stuff?" listen to their response. Say "huh?" listen to what they say, then say "Um... what?" etc.
14. Hi this is Michael Jackson's phone-picker-upper, he's busy, please call back though...
15. Tell them to spell ICUP. Laugh when they say "I see you pee."
16. Tell them you need help, for them to send you some medication or something because you're sitting on the toilet constipated.
17. Say "Seven days..." then hang up. (like in "The Ring")More Other / Misc Saddam Hussein [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
What Do You Do? You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two bullets in your gun. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer twice.More Lawyer Saddam Hussein [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Great 1 Liners! What's an innunedo? An Italian hemorrhoid prepareation.

What do you call a good looking girl on the campus of Clemson University? A visitor.

Iraq, a good place to take a shiite.

New rules for poker in Los Angeles -- four clubs beat a king.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them.

What's the difference between Gov't bonds and men? Gov't bond eventually mature.

What did God say after he created man? "I can do better than this . . ."

What's the best thing to come out of a peter? The wrinkles.

What's the difference between 'light' and 'hard'? You can sleep with the light on.

What's the difference between 'dark' and 'hard'? It stays dark all night.

What does a man consider to be a 7-course meal? A hot dog and a six-pack.

What's the difference between Saddam Hussein and a bucket of shit? The bucket.

What do Nagasaki, Hiroshima and Baghdad have in common. Nothing, yet.

What do Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffit have in common? They both have curds in their whey.

What do you call an Iraqi with a goat under one arm and a sheep under the other? A bisexual.

What's the difference between Hussein and your ex-wife's lawyer? Hussein's demands are reasonable.

Pres. Bush is replacing all the male troops in Iraq with women diagnosed with PMS -- they're a hell-of-a-lot meaner and they retain water.

Why don't men's balls hang down to their knees? The vacuum in their brain keeps 'em up.

What does a female lawyer use for birth control? Her personality.

How can you reunite the Beatles? Use two more bullets.

I've never been drunk -- just over served.

I was as pure as the driven snow until I drifted.

What's the difference between oral sex and sushi? The rice.

What's black, 12" long and hangs in front of an asshole? A stethoscope.

Man standing next to a woman in a bar. He looks at her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" "Absolutely not," says the woman. "Must be your feet."

Why are the Rams changing their name to the Tampons? They're only good for one period and they have no second string.More One Liners Saddam Hussein [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Chuck Norris Facts: 17 Chuck Norris' sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.

Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.

Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.

Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street; he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.More Other / Misc Saddam Hussein [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Osama's Favorite TV Shows MONDAY
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAY:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says It's Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Infidel Slayer"

WEDNESDAY:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When The Northern Alliance Attacks"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAY:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"


FRIDAY:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"More News / Politics Saddam Hussein [01/02/2018 12:01:02]

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