Quote: Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -- as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight. [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
[Phyllis Diller]
Quote: I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
[Phyllis Diller]
Quote: If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. [Phyllis Diller]
Quote: My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. [Phyllis Diller]