Lewis Black

Quote: A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!' [Lewis Black]

Quote: All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. [Lewis Black]

Quote: And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. [Lewis Black]

Quote: If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. [Lewis Black]

Quote: If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat. [Lewis Black]

Quote: In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants. [Lewis Black]

Quote: It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it! [Lewis Black]

Quote: Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas. [Lewis Black]

Quote: There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. [Lewis Black]

Quote: You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. [Lewis Black]

Quote: Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. [Lewis Black]

Quote: A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!' [Lewis Black]

Quote: In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants. [Lewis Black]

Quote: If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat. [Lewis Black]

Quote: All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. [Lewis Black]

Quote: Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas. [Lewis Black]

Quote: There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. [Lewis Black]

Quote: It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it! [Lewis Black]

Quote: And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. [Lewis Black]

Quote: What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense. [Lewis Black]

Quote: I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day. [Lewis Black]

Quote: I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. [Lewis Black]

Quote: If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer. [Lewis Black]

Quote: I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on. [Lewis Black]

Quote: I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track. [Lewis Black]

Quotes of the month