Quote: You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R [Dennis Miller]
Quote: There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. [Dennis Miller]
Quote: Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? [Dennis Miller]
Quote: Sure, the lion is king of the jungle
but airdrop him into Antarctica,
& he's just a penguin's bitch [Dennis Miller]
Quote: I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. [Dennis Miller]
Quote: And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their brekfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee. [Dennis Miller]
Quote: A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. [Dennis Miller]
Quote: After seven years of marriage, I'm sure of two things -- first, never wallpaper together, and second, you'll need two bathrooms.. both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in. [Dennis Miller]
Quote: Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. [Dennis Miller]
Quote: I rant, therefore I am. [Dennis Miller]
Quote: I lapsed into rude. [Dennis Miller]
Quote: Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time. [Dennis Miller]
Quote: What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. [Dennis Miller]
Quote: It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. [Dennis Miller]
Quote: Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. [Dennis Miller]
Quote: You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven okay? [Dennis Miller]
Quote: If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. [Dennis Miller]
Quote: One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech. [Dennis Miller]
Quote: There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh. [Dennis Miller]
Quote: Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. [Dennis Miller]
Quote: Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. [Dennis Miller]
Quote: Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand [Dennis Miller]
Quote: The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. [Dennis Miller]
Quote: I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave. [Dennis Miller]
Quote: The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens [Dennis Miller]