Ted Turner

Ted Turner

American businessman, founder of the clock news channel CNN
If there is a God, he is not doing a good job of protecting the earth. He's kind of checked out.More Ted Turner quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
The United States has got some of the dumbest people in the world. I want you to know that we know that.More Ted Turner quotes [07/19/2011 03:07:31]
I'm just a socialist at heart.More Ted Turner quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Sports is like a war without the killing.More Ted Turner quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Life is a game. Money is how we keep score.More Ted Turner quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
A few weeks before his death, Orson Welles was talking to his friend and fellow film director Henry Jaglom about Welles' landmark movie, Citizen Kane. "Make me one promise," he told Jaglom, "Keep Ted Turner and his goddamned crayolas away from my movie." Fortunately, when the movie was made, Welles had negotiated a contract with RKO studios giving him complete and absolute control over every aspect of production, including colour ? or lack thereof. Although he wanted to, Turner never got a chance to colourize Citizen Kane.More Miscellaneous Jokes about Ted Turner [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
1. My name is Fin, which means its very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious
*Fin Taylor*

2. Yes, my thighs are touching each other but wouldnt you be touching yourself if you were this close to my vagina?
*Luisa Omielan*

3. Ill tell you what separates the men from the boys Operation Yewtree.
*Maff Brown*

4. I used to live next to a farm and every time I passed the cows in the field I used to inexplicably shout abuse at them. Turns out Im dairy intolerant.
*Alfie Moore*

5. I lost my virginity so late, that when it finally happened, I wasnt so much deflowered as deadheaded.
*Holly Walsh*

6. You ever hate your job with the passion that your boss claims you lack?
*Stuart Black*

7. Im learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But Ive got the ins and outs.
*Iain Stirling*

8. I like to hold hands at the movies. Which always seems to startle strangers.
*Tom Rhodes*

9. Recently we got a new child in the family my new stepmom.
*Camilla Cleese*

10. This bloke said to me: Im going to attack you with the neck of a guitar. I said: Is that a fret?
*Tim Vine*

11. The wedding invite said: Simon Feilder +1 So I turned up an hour late.
*Simon Feilder*

12. I thought Benefits Street was a budget box of chocolates that you could buy at Lidl.
*Imran Yusuf*

13. My friend got a personal trainer a year before his weddingI Thought: Bloody hell. How longs the aisle going to be?
*Paul McCaffrey*

14. Im Clive Anderson, in case you were thinking so thats what happened to William Hague these past years.
*Clive Anderson*

15. Feminism is not a fad. Its not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example.
*Bridget Christie*

16. For my birthday I got myself glasses. So my observational comedys really improved.
*Sara Pascoe*

17. I keep writing letters to myself. Dear me.
*Mark Simmons*

18. Colin had his neck brace fitted years ago and since then hes never looked back.
*Alfie Moore*

19. Even the word misogyny is misogynistic. It should be ms-ogyny.
*Bec Hill*

20. Have you heard about the evil group of men who control all the worlds cheese? The hallouminati.
*Nick Helm*

21. Im very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet I dont know why.
*Chris Turner*

22. I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasnt happy.
*Rebecca Humphries*

23. My dad said: Always leave them wanting more. Ironically, thats how he lost his job in disaster relief.
*Mark Watson*

24. I did a gig recently where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. As soon as I said it the whole audience went: Booooo! Thats the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage.
*Nathan Caton*

25. The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live.
*Jonny Lennard*

26. When my wife and I argue, were like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff and then we roll out our greatest hits.
*Frank Skinner*

27. My father was a magician. Well, not a magician, he just disappeared a lot when we were younger.
*Alex Edelman*

**Edit**: I missed a crucial bit to 11. that /u/PodgeBear helpfully pointed out :). Also, in the interests of tranparancy, this is not my original work, but I have edited it out as a self-post...hence the mistake originally (I thought it'd be easier to read on Reddit). Full source [can be found here](http://i100.independent.co.uk/article/the-27-best-edinburgh-festival-oneliners--xkByUWdZme). More Jokes about Ted Turner [01/02/2018 12:01:02]

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