Ted Turner

Ted Turner

American businessman, founder of the clock news channel «CNN»
When I started 'CNN,' I made the decision to stay out of endorsing candidates, and let the doers make up their own minds about politics, that it wasn't going to come from me.More Ted Turner quotes [03/12/2018 02:03:32]
I'd like to say that right now, in the last few years, the Democrats have been closer - have been more pro-environment. The coal industry is pretty well entrenched in the Republican Party and that's one of the things that we need to phase out.More Ted Turner quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Life is a game. Money is how we keep score.More Ted Turner quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
When I started 'CNN,' I made the decision to stay out of endorsing candidates, and let the doers make up their own minds about politics, that it wasn't going to come from me.More Ted Turner quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
If I had any humility I would be perfect.More Ted Turner quotes [07/19/2011 03:07:21]
A small, skinny white guy got onto an elevator.

Just as the doors were closing, a huge, black dude walked on and stood next to him.

The big black guy looked down at the small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 4 pound left ball, 4 pound right ball, Turner Brown."

The small guy fainted!!

The giant black dude picked up the little white guy and brought him around, by slapping his face and shaking him.

When the man finally came to, he asked the small white guy, "What's wrong?"

Our petite friend said, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"

The black giant looked down and repeated, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 4 pound left ball, 4 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown".

The white guy sighed, "Oh, thank God! I thought you said, 'Turn around!'"

More Jokes about Ted Turner [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
1. My name is Fin, which means it’s very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious
*Fin Taylor*

2. Yes, my thighs are touching each other but wouldn’t you be touching yourself if you were this close to my vagina?
*Luisa Omielan*

3. I’ll tell you what separates the men from the boys Operation Yewtree.
*Maff Brown*

4. I used to live next to a farm and every time I passed the cows in the field I used to inexplicably shout abuse at them. Turns out I’m dairy intolerant.
*Alfie Moore*

5. I lost my virginity so late, that when it finally happened, I wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded.
*Holly Walsh*

6. You ever hate your job with the passion that your boss claims you lack?
*Stuart Black*

7. I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But I’ve got the ins and outs.
*Iain Stirling*

8. I like to hold hands at the movies. Which always seems to startle strangers.
*Tom Rhodes*

9. Recently we got a new child in the family – my new stepmom.
*Camilla Cleese*

10. This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’
*Tim Vine*

11. The wedding invite said: ‘Simon Feilder +1 ’So I turned up an hour late.
*Simon Feilder*

12. I thought Benefits Street was a budget box of chocolates that you could buy at Lidl.
*Imran Yusuf*

13. My friend got a personal trainer a year before his weddingI Thought: ‘Bloody hell. How long’s the aisle going to be?’
*Paul McCaffrey*

14. I’m Clive Anderson, in case you were thinking so that’s what happened to William Hague these past years.
*Clive Anderson*

15. Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example.
*Bridget Christie*

16. For my birthday I got myself glasses. So my observational comedy’s really improved.
*Sara Pascoe*

17. I keep writing letters to myself. Dear me.
*Mark Simmons*

18. Colin had his neck brace fitted years ago and since then he’s never looked back.
*Alfie Moore*

19. Even the word misogyny is misogynistic. It should be ms-ogyny.
*Bec Hill*

20. Have you heard about the evil group of men who control all the world’s cheese? The hallouminati.
*Nick Helm*

21. I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet I don’t know why.
*Chris Turner*

22. I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy.
*Rebecca Humphries*

23. My dad said: ‘Always leave them wanting more.’ Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.
*Mark Watson*

24. I did a gig recently where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. As soon as I said it the whole audience went: ‘Booooo!’ That’s the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage.
*Nathan Caton*

25. The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live.
*Jonny Lennard*

26. When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff and then we roll out our greatest hits.
*Frank Skinner*

27. My father was a magician. Well, not a magician, he just disappeared a lot when we were younger.
*Alex Edelman*

**Edit**: I missed a crucial bit to 11. that /u/PodgeBear helpfully pointed out :). Also, in the interests of tranparancy, this is not my original work, but I have edited it out as a self-post...hence the mistake originally (I thought it'd be easier to read on Reddit). Full source [can be found here](http://i100.independent.co.uk/article/the-27-best-edinburgh-festival-oneliners--xkByUWdZme). More Jokes about Ted Turner [01/02/2018 12:01:02]

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