If there is a God, he is not doing a good job of protecting the earth. He's kind of checked out.More Ted Turner quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
The United States has got some of the dumbest people in the world. I want you to know that we know that.More Ted Turner quotes [07/19/2011 03:07:31]
A few weeks before his death, Orson Welles was talking to his friend and fellow film director Henry Jaglom about Welles' landmark movie, Citizen Kane. "Make me one promise," he told Jaglom, "Keep Ted Turner and his goddamned crayolas away from my movie." Fortunately, when the movie was made, Welles had negotiated a contract with RKO studios giving him complete and absolute control over every aspect of production, including colour ? or lack thereof. Although he wanted to, Turner never got a chance to colourize Citizen Kane.More Miscellaneous Jokes about Ted Turner [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
1. My name is Fin, which means it’s very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious
2. Yes, my thighs are touching each other but wouldn’t you be touching yourself if you were this close to my vagina?
3. I’ll tell you what separates the men from the boys Operation Yewtree.
4. I used to live next to a farm and every time I passed the cows in the field I used to inexplicably shout abuse at them. Turns out I’m dairy intolerant.
5. I lost my virginity so late, that when it finally happened, I wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded.
6. You ever hate your job with the passion that your boss claims you lack?
7. I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But I’ve got the ins and outs.
8. I like to hold hands at the movies. Which always seems to startle strangers.
9. Recently we got a new child in the family – my new stepmom.
10. This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’
11. The wedding invite said: ‘Simon Feilder +1 ’So I turned up an hour late.
12. I thought Benefits Street was a budget box of chocolates that you could buy at Lidl.
13. My friend got a personal trainer a year before his weddingI Thought: ‘Bloody hell. How long’s the aisle going to be?’
14. I’m Clive Anderson, in case you were thinking so that’s what happened to William Hague these past years.
15. Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example.
16. For my birthday I got myself glasses. So my observational comedy’s really improved.
17. I keep writing letters to myself. Dear me.
18. Colin had his neck brace fitted years ago and since then he’s never looked back.
19. Even the word misogyny is misogynistic. It should be ms-ogyny.
20. Have you heard about the evil group of men who control all the world’s cheese? The hallouminati.
21. I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet I don’t know why.
22. I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy.
23. My dad said: ‘Always leave them wanting more.’ Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.
24. I did a gig recently where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. As soon as I said it the whole audience went: ‘Booooo!’ That’s the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage.
25. The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live.
26. When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff and then we roll out our greatest hits.
27. My father was a magician. Well, not a magician, he just disappeared a lot when we were younger.
**Edit**: I missed a crucial bit to 11. that /u/PodgeBear helpfully pointed out :). Also, in the interests of tranparancy, this is not my original work, but I have edited it out as a self-post...hence the mistake originally (I thought it'd be easier to read on Reddit). Full source [can be found here](http://i100.independent.co.uk/article/the-27-best-edinburgh-festival-oneliners--xkByUWdZme). More Jokes about Ted Turner [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
A promise is half an oath. [07/12/2019 12:07:07] More
Landfill accepts junk, not buys. So not everything is bought.
Çâàëèùå ïðèéìàº ìîòëîõ, à íå êóïóº. Òàê ùî êóïóºòüñÿ íå âñå. [06/23/2019 07:06:26] More
Being is a matrix of human mistakes. [07/17/2019 04:07:09] More
The times are coming, the fools are lagging behind, and the reason is not a question, and time is not an argument. Prove the truth, but do not count the time. [06/23/2019 11:06:16] More
It is easy to suffocate from loneliness in a closed soul. [07/03/2019 08:07:28] More