Tim Allen

Tim Allen

comedian
Now the denominator ... why don't they just call it the bottom number? The denominator ... that sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie doesn't it? [impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I am the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction!More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.More Tim Allen quotes [07/13/2011 05:07:13]
The people that hunt are the guys that really vehemently protect the environment. You find that people that live on ranches tend to want to keep it that way, and I've always loved that about the hunters that I've known. They eat what they kill, and they carry it out. They don't shoot for sport.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
So a Televangelist during a recording of one of his shows, needed 2 volunteers.

"I NEED TWO VOLUNTEERS TO ERADICATE THE DEVIL FROM THEIR SOULS, GOD BLESS YOU."

First up, was a man on crutches.

"WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SON?"

"Kevin"

"AND WHAT HAS THE DEVIL DONE TO YOU?"

"I can't walk properly, not without these old crutches."

"WELL KEVIN, YOU GET BEHIND THAT SCREEN THERE AND I'LL MAKE SURE TO HEAL YOUR ASS.", and with that - Kevin slowly moves behind the screen.

"I NEED ANOTHER VOLUNTEER!"

Another young man proceeds to the stage.

"WHAT'S YOUR NAME SON?"

"T..T....T...T..Tom."

"AND WHAT HAS THE DEVIL DONE TO YOU?"

"I c...can...can...can't talk pro...proper...properly."

"GET YOUR ASS BEHIND THAT SCREEN AND WE WILL PRAY TO ERADICATE THE DEVIL!!!", and with that - Tom walks behind the screen. The Televangelist turns to the crowd:

"KEVIN IS DISABLED, TOM CAN'T TALK. IT IS TIME TO PRAY. IT IS TIME TO TAKE THE DEVIL OUT OF THESE YOUNG BOYS. PRAY FOR THEIR SOULS. PRAY FOR THEIR BEING. PRAY ALL YOU CAN!", and the congregation begin to sway and pray.

After some time has passed, the Televangelist turns toward to the screen:

"KEVIN, THROW AWAY YOUR LEFT CRUTCH", and there's the sound of clatter.

"KEVIN, THROW AWAY YOUR RIGHT CRUTCH", and there's another clatter.

"TOM, SAY SOMETHING!", he shouts jubilantly.

"K..K...Kev...Kevin's fallen over."More Jokes about Tim Allen [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Mustafa al Eih Zeri?

>Here

Achmed El Kabul?

>Here

Fatima Bin Pardin?

>Here

Ali Abdul Olmi?

>Here

Mohammed Bin Kadir?

>Here

Ali Son al En?
Silence in the classroom.

Ali Son al En?
Continued silence, as everyone looked around the room

The teacher repeated the call, 'Ali Son al En?'
Then a girl stood up and said

>Sorry, teacher, I think that's me...

>It's pronounced Allison Allen

(Email joke from my grandpa, tried to format it for reddit)More Jokes about Tim Allen [01/02/2018 12:01:02]

Quotes of the month

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