Tim Allen

Tim Allen

comedian
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.More Tim Allen quotes [09/02/2005 12:09:00]
I am a thespian trapped in a man's body.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
I'm one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
I have a thing for tools.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
There was a farmer, called Billy.
Billy was a simple man, who never really cared much for farming as a child, but when his dad died he enherited the farm, and as he got older, the more he enjoyed it.
For a vast majority of years he was a vegetable farmer, farming vegetables such as carrots and cabbages, potatoes and leeks. This was nice simple farming, no hassle. But as time went on and he reached his late 50s, he wanted more from farming, and decided that he wanted to rear some animals, but no ordinary animals like pigs and cows, he wanted to bring some exotic meat to the market.
He went online, to check out some some exotic animals that he could have on his farm, scrolling through endless websites to find the right animal for his farm. From crocodiles to flamingos, to lions to zebras, nothing quite felt right. Until one day, he stumbled across the website about Lamas. He read deeply about these majestic animals and decided that these were defiantly the animal he was looking for, to keep on his farm.
So the next morning he went down to the local lama shop, Lamas R Us, located along the lama district, and purchased 10 lamas.
He was extremely excited about his purchase and while he was waiting for his lamas to be delivered, he built them a large enclosure in one of his fields for them to run around in and do lama related activities.
They were delivered and Billy the farmer had never been happier. He fed them and groomed them before bed, making sure they were happy, and then went to sleep.
The next morning he woke up and straight away ran downstairs to check on his lamas, like an excited child on Christmas.
But to his shock, when he checked on them, he noticed that all of their legs had fallen off, and they were just laying there on the ground, legless.
He was appalled that he had been sold dodgy lamas, so he drive straight down to the lama shop, Lamas R Us, located along the lama district, next to lama world and bed bath and lama.
He walked in the shop and said to the main behind the counter.
"Hey, you sold me dodgy lamas, I woke up this morning and my lamas had no legs"
"Oh well I am sorry" said the man behind the counter "please, take 10 more lamas on the house"
The famer, who was a sucker for a bargain, decided to take up his offer, and went home smiling.
Later that afternoon, his new lamas had been delivered and they were in the enclosure, rubbings around and doing lama related activities. He fed them and groomed them and made sure they were happy, and want off to bed.
The next morning he woke from his slumber, and decided to go check on his lamas, to make sure they were ok this time.
To his annoyance, these lamas has been stricken with the same fate as the previous. They were all laying there with their on the ground with no legs.
The famer, enfutated, drive down to the lama shop, Lamas R Us, located along the lama district, opposite Lama Hut, and burst in the door.
"It happened again" said the farmer "their legs have fallen off"
"Oh goodness gracious me" said the man behind the counter "I am so sorry this has never happened before, please take 20 lamas, and a full refund if your money"
Seeing no bad outcome with the deal, the farmer graciously accepted and went home.
The lamas were delivered as before and the famer fed them and tended to them, and even read them a bedtime story.
But when he woke in the morning, and checked on them, all their legs had fallen off.
He went down to the lama shop, and said to the man behind the counter.
"Its happened again, this isn't funny any more, I want to speak to your manager"
"Ok Sir, fantastic, it's just through that door" said the man behind the counter, pointing to a door to the left of him.
The farmer opens this door to find a very long hallway.
He walks down this hallway for a good 15 minutes until he finally reached a door, which ends up being locked.
He walks back down the hallway and says to the man behind the counter; "the door at the end is locked"
"Oh my apologies" said the man behind the counter, and hands the farmer a key.
The farmer walks down the hallway again, reaches the door and opens it with the key.
Upon opening the door, he finds himself in a jungle of some sort, and keeps going, as he is determined to talk to the manager about his lama. Related issues.
He walks through this jungle for 40 days and 40 nights, and finally reaches a door. Which is locked.
So he walks back through the jungle for 40 days and 40 nights, back down the hallway and says to the man behind the counter; "there was a jungle and at the end there was another locked door"
"Ahhhhh" says the man behind the counter "and hands him another key.
They farmer walks down the hallway and through the jungle and opens the second door, to find a desert. He walks this desert for 40 days and 40 nights and comes to another door, which is locked. He walks all the way back to the man behind the counter and says "there is another locked door"
The man behind the counter hands him another key and says "sorry this is the last one"
The farmer walks down the hallway, through the jungle, through the desert and finds himself at a swamp. He crafts a boat and paddles through this swamp for 40 days and 40 nights. Until he finally reaches a door, that says 'managers office' on the front.
He knocks on the door and it slowly opens, revealing a room where everything is suspended off the floor with lama legs.
He says to the manager, sitting in his lama leg chair, behind his desk held up by lama legs; "please, you have got to help me, why do the legs keep falling off my lamas"
"I don't know mate" replied the manager.

(This joke took about 55 minutes to wrote off my phone)
Sorry for the spelling mistakes.More Jokes about Tim Allen [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
...stand in a room with a decaying goat carcass the longest. There were 4 contestants representing their respective countries: an American, an Englishman, a Russian and a Chinese man.

The contest was held in front of a capacity crowd of 500,000 people of different nationalities and all walks of life. The minimum time was 5 hours and the goat carcass has been in that room for 2 weeks, without any proper ventilation.

The American went in first and was able to stay for 1 hour and 12 minutes. The Englishman went in and stayed for a bit longer, 1 hour and 15 minutes. The Russian beat them both with 2 hours and 35 minutes. The Chinese man went in and retreated after 27 minutes. The judges were hoping for someone to at least last the 5 hours so they asked for random volunteers from the audience. And Indian man stood up and accepted the challenge.

The Indian man went in the room and after a few seconds, the goat went out of the room.More Jokes about Tim Allen [01/02/2018 12:01:02]

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