Tim Allen

Tim Allen

comedian
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.More Tim Allen quotes [07/13/2011 05:07:21]
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
I'm a pretty solid Christian. But even as an altar boy, I was always asking the bigger questions--you know: if God is, in fact, good, what is all this death I see? And if God is gentle, what is all this suffering I see? I've found some of the answers in Eastern religion. It explained my Christianity to me. Good and evil are the same thing. You can't have one without the other. It's the balance, it's the temperance of things.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
There once was a small town that was swarmed by wild squirrels. The Squirrels made their home in the town's three churches.

The church leaders all made efforts to remove the squirrels. At the end of the year, all three church leaders met up to compare their results.

The First church leader spoke, "We still have squirrels"
"Our faith believes that God will do as God see's fit...so we did nothing, putting the issue in our creators hands. Unfortunately, God did not see fit to remove the squirrels. They are still there and do not seem to be leaving anytime son."

The Second church leader spoke, "We have even more squirrels"
"God gives us challenges to overcome and make us stronger. We fought the squirrels with traps, poisons, cats, but nothing worked. We have not yet found a way to conquer them. They have become more vicious and entrenched in our building.

The third leader spoke, "The squirrels are all gone"
"We just made the squirrels members of our church and they all left. They only come back on Christmas and Easter."More Jokes about Tim Allen [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
So a Televangelist during a recording of one of his shows, needed 2 volunteers.

"I NEED TWO VOLUNTEERS TO ERADICATE THE DEVIL FROM THEIR SOULS, GOD BLESS YOU."

First up, was a man on crutches.

"WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SON?"

"Kevin"

"AND WHAT HAS THE DEVIL DONE TO YOU?"

"I can't walk properly, not without these old crutches."

"WELL KEVIN, YOU GET BEHIND THAT SCREEN THERE AND I'LL MAKE SURE TO HEAL YOUR ASS.", and with that - Kevin slowly moves behind the screen.

"I NEED ANOTHER VOLUNTEER!"

Another young man proceeds to the stage.

"WHAT'S YOUR NAME SON?"

"T..T....T...T..Tom."

"AND WHAT HAS THE DEVIL DONE TO YOU?"

"I c...can...can...can't talk pro...proper...properly."

"GET YOUR ASS BEHIND THAT SCREEN AND WE WILL PRAY TO ERADICATE THE DEVIL!!!", and with that - Tom walks behind the screen. The Televangelist turns to the crowd:

"KEVIN IS DISABLED, TOM CAN'T TALK. IT IS TIME TO PRAY. IT IS TIME TO TAKE THE DEVIL OUT OF THESE YOUNG BOYS. PRAY FOR THEIR SOULS. PRAY FOR THEIR BEING. PRAY ALL YOU CAN!", and the congregation begin to sway and pray.

After some time has passed, the Televangelist turns toward to the screen:

"KEVIN, THROW AWAY YOUR LEFT CRUTCH", and there's the sound of clatter.

"KEVIN, THROW AWAY YOUR RIGHT CRUTCH", and there's another clatter.

"TOM, SAY SOMETHING!", he shouts jubilantly.

"K..K...Kev...Kevin's fallen over."More Jokes about Tim Allen [01/02/2018 12:01:02]

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