Tim Allen

Tim Allen

comedian
I look at it this way: How much of the day are you awake? You think, "I've gotta get that dry cleaning, I gotta get this going, and this, and this, and this." And all of a sudden it's dinnertime. And then there's a moment of connection with your spouse or your friends. Then you read and go to bed. Wake up and then it's the same all over. You're not awake, you're not living, you're not experiencing. We start early medicating ourselves. We start kids early, on TV and video games and so on.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
I have way too many commitments. I get pulled in too many directions and I never seem to be able to satisfy anybody. People get turned on by knowing a celebrity, even my friends and family. They feel that there's something exciting about me, but in reality there's no substance to it. People in airports just hold on to me expecting something and it seems that I always come up empty. It's frustrating because I'm trying to please everybody, and ya just can't do that ... at least I can't.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
.......from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who, this morning, called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when..... you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would rise to the challenge". "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
"Anyway," she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to piss off!!More Jokes about Tim Allen [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Haven't been on here for a bit but haven't seen this one so thought I should post it.. (apologies in advance if you have heard before)
....
A teacher asked her class to write on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.
The children got very excited and started scribbling their answers. One by one the teacher asks each child to stand and describe the job they have written down.

By now all the children where excitedly chatting away, apart from little Timmy. "what's wrong Timmy" asked the teacher.

Timmy slowly rose to his feet and stated "My Dad's a stripper in a gay bar, Sometimes he doesn't come home and my Mum cries herself to sleep".

The class had fallen to a hush as Timmy continued, "Sometimes he sells his body for other men's pleasure".
There are gasps around the classroom and the teacher quickly dismisses the class for an early break time. She walks up to little Timmy and asks, "Is that all true, Timmy?".

"No not at all, Miss. He really plays rugby for England but I was too embarrassed to say"More Jokes about Tim Allen [01/02/2018 12:01:02]

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