Tim Allen

Tim Allen

comedian
I'm actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
As far as trucking in snow, we don't have the money.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
I'm a pretty solid Christian. But even as an altar boy, I was always asking the bigger questions--you know: if God is, in fact, good, what is all this death I see? And if God is gentle, what is all this suffering I see? I've found some of the answers in Eastern religion. It explained my Christianity to me. Good and evil are the same thing. You can't have one without the other. It's the balance, it's the temperance of things.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
One day an old man walks into sea world all by himself. He doesn't get much human interaction since his wife passed away so he goes up to a trainer to chat. "You know, I would love to hear your best shamu story, if you don't mind. My wife and I loved to come here together shd it would make this old man's day just to hear a good one". The trainer proceeds to say "oh man I've got a good one that happened just yesterday. I was over here cleaning the deck by shamu's tank. He was swimming around having a good old time when all of a sudden I heard this WHOOO WHOOO, and down comes crashing this bundle of feathers just covered in tree sap. WHOOO WHOO it kept crying out, then something amazing happened. Shamu dashes to the edge of the tank and starts showering the thing with water from its blow hole. Next thing you know, the bird spreads it's wings and begins to fly away, but not before giving shamu a wink and a nod." Really? That's amazing", the old man said. "Oh that's not it. It gets better" said the trainer. "The hooting bird was only flying fir a second before it landed right over there by that tree, just under that buzzing hive. Out spotted one of the workers had fallen out of the hive and got stuck on a drop of tree sap too. The bird was had been there so it proceeded to use is beak to gently pry each leg free for the insect. At that point it started to fly back to the hive but not before tipping its antenna back at the bird who also flew away... After the story the old man was astonished. "So your telling me, shamus saved a bird who winked back at him and in turn saved a bug who tips his agenda back at him?" The trainer says "yup". The old man said "whale owl bee... I can't believe it!"More Jokes about Tim Allen [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above river, 
his axe fell into the river. 
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" 
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, 
and he needed the axe to make his living. 
The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. 
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. 
The woodcutter replied, "No." 
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. 
"Is this your axe?"the Lord asked. 
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." 
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. 
"Is this your axe?"the Lord asked. 
"Yes", he replied. 
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all 
three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. 
Sometime later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the 
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. 
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, 
"Why are you crying?" 
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" 
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. 
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. 
"Yes," cried the woodcutter. 
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" 
The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is 
a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You 
would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to 
her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would 
have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care 
of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share 
me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez." 
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and 
honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife! 
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.. 
THE GUYS.More Jokes about Tim Allen [01/02/2018 12:01:02]

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