Tim Allen

Tim Allen

comedian
If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
We have a great team here. And we've received tremendous support from parents. We're really trying to bring this whole thing together to have a successful transition.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Quasimodo the hunchback was getting somewhat long in the tooth, and his lack of vigour was starting to show. The enthusiasm wasn't there, no cheerful smile or impish oafishness characterised his stagger, and the hint of gleefulness from his glory days had long passed with the tide of the years.

The cardinal of Notre Damn, increasingly aware of the lacklustre in the sounds peeling from the bell tower, one day decided to ascend the steps to speak with the hunchback.

"Quasi, mate, you've done a Stirling job for Paris and its people over the years. You're ridgy-didge in my books, but ya know, some of the other priests have noticed that the ol *joi de vivre* just doesn't seem to be there for you anymore. Have you ever thought of training up a young apprentice to take over the bell ringing gig?

Quasi looks up through his mangy locks to meet the cardinals eyes, first in anger, but then in resignation. He stares off into the distance, far across the reaches of the city skyline and mumbles quietly "You know, I've never really considered it. This place has been my home and my family for so long, I've never wanted anything else. But maybe you're right. Maybe it's time to find something more, something different.... Give me a few days to mull it over."

After a long period of soul-searching and self-reflection, Quasi finally agrees to the cardinals idea and heads down out of his tower and once again into the bustling markets of *les enfants rouge* where he comes across a cheerful young man, shining shoes for pennies.

Quasi approaches the young man, raising his hood ever so slightly to reveal the prominence of his enormous brow, and with a twinkle in his eye, he says "Hey kid, want a real job?". The young man, instantly awestruck by the presence of the legend jumps to his feet and says "it's, it's you... it's really you!"

"Shhhh!!" says Quasi, "what I'm offering you is something only that only the most dedicated, the most fearless, and the most selfless of souls would dare accept."

"Are you interested?"
"Of course!"
"Then follow me"

A short while later, the two men stand atop the south tower in the full brunt of a cold and windy Parisian winters' day. The young man shivers in the cold, the older man looks intently into his eyes.

"This is where the magic happens kid" he says, spreading his deformed arm expansively across the vista before their eyes. "The only real challenge to the job is actually getting ol Emmanuel to sing. You see, unlike the other bells, this grand bell lost its clapper years ago and the cardinal has been pretty skimp on the upkeep of these towers. Over the last few years, I've mastered my own technique. So pay attention boy, and watch how it's done."

The hunchback throws off his heavy cloak, revealing his aged and gnarled musculature, and with the wind whipping at his grey beard he roots each of his enormous arms to the lip of the bell, drawing it back with all his might and flinging it forward and up into the air. He releases and with the enormous bell waving slowly, silently, menacingly, back and forth, he turns back to the young man and growls "Strength, courage and bravery. If you hesitate you will get hurt".

He waits and watches the bell, and at the apogee, he sets his stance, raises his shoulders to his neck, grits his teeth, and leans in as the mass of metal rushes at his head.

A deep and resonant peel rings out as the crown of his forehead connects with the strike point, stopping the bell almost dead in its trajectory, save for a few inches of controlled sliding underfoot from the hunchback.

"Your turn kid"

Quasi draws the young man close and says "I'll get it swinging, just concentrate on what I said. Courage, Strength, Bravey" He's sets the bell into a gentle spin and let's the young man set himself for the challenge.

The young man leaps into face the bell, but at the last instant, he is overcome with terror and attempts to avert his face by flinching back, only to have the lip crash hard into his mandible, fracturing his jaw instantly and dislodging several teeth in the process. The bell lets out a muffled peel. The young man collapses to the floor, clutching his face.

"No, no, no!!" yells Quasi "You lost your nerve! You can never flinch. If you have to back out, then for god's sake duck! Don't flinch back!"

The young man slowly rises to his feet, clearly severely injured, but determined. Quasi raises one eyebrow and says "Again?" The boy nods.

Once more, the old man sets the bell in motion. Once more, the young man sets himself. Once more he flinches. This time raising his nose to meet the lip of the giant bell.

Crunch!

Once more, blood erupts from his face, and once more the young man crumples to the floor to the whimper of a soft peel of response from the bell.

Quasi looks at the young man and grumbles to himself "I should have never agreed to this. Young kids these days... They don't listen and they've got no bloody resilience"

"Look kid, just forget it. Go home, go back to shining shoes for pennies. I will find someone else who actually has real courage, real strength and real bravery."

Incensed, as Quasi had hoped, the young man staggers to his feet once more, and with a mangled primal scream into the harsh winter's wind, he grabs the bell, and fuelled with adrenaline and rage, casts it with near Herculean strength high up into the sky.

But rather than taking time to set himself, this time her reacts instantly and instinctually. He haunches his shoulders and aims his crown directly at the lip on the very first return of the bell. He makes perfect contact!

The bell peels deeply, and somewhat unsurprisingly, the change in momentum of the impact in against an unset stance sends the young man flying backwards through the air, straight out of the bell tower and down onto the cobbled streets below where he lands with a solid thud.

"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck!!" mutters Quasi repeatedly as he hobbles down the steps to the tower as quickly as possible and out onto the street where a crowd have gathered.

A passer by is at the young mans side, cradling his lifeless head in his hands he looks up to the crowd and says "Does anyone know this young mans name?!"

Quasi looks down and says "Shit, you know I never did get his name, but his face rings a bell."
More Jokes about Tim Allen [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Phone won't stop ringing?

Here's what you do -

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem, but unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.

Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, "No problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch her favorite soap opera, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.

People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied, "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."More Other / Misc Jokes about Tim Allen [01/02/2018 12:01:02]

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