Tim Allen

Tim Allen

comedian
I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine - this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.More Tim Allen quotes [03/12/2018 02:03:32]
Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he bought a young rooster from the local rooster emporium, and turned him loose in the barnyard.

The old rooster saw the young one strutting around and felt a little worried, knowing full well the fate that awaited old birds like him. "So, they're trying to replace me," thought the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this."

He walked up to the new bird and said, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well, I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

The young rooster was of a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"

So the two roosters went over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begun and all the hens started cheering the roosters on.

After the first lap, the old rooster was still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead had slipped a little but he was still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continued to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he was just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer heard all the commotion. He ran into the house, took his shotgun, and ran out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something was after his chickens. When he got there, he saw the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately took his shotgun, aimed, fired, and blew the young rooster away.

As he walked away slowly, the farmer thought to himself, "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"More Jokes about Tim Allen [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
A joke my buddy told me that I thought is worth sharing.

A man is walking down the street when he notices a sign out front of a bar that says, "If you can make my horse laugh, free food and drinks!" Curious, the man walks into the bar and sits down. He asks the bartender about the sign out front and the bartender guarantees that he would keep his word. Pondering for a second, the man asks if he can have a moment alone with the horse to which the bartender agrees. Two minutes later, the man comes back in and the bartender can hear his horse laughing his ass off. The bartender then asks the man what he did, but the man does not tell. Keeping his word the man got free food and free drinks all night.

The next day the man is strolling by the bar again when he sees the sign this time and it says "If you can make my horse cry, free food and free drinks!" So the man decides to walk back in. The bartender notices the guy from the night before and asked if he was here for the challenge. The man agreed and asked for another 2 minutes alone with the horse. When he returned to the bar, the bartender can hear his horse crying and wailing in agony. Puzzled, the bartender had to know how the man did it. So after offering up free food and drinks again, the bartender made sure the man stay around to find out how he did it. After getting the man drunk, the bartender asks, "Man, you gotta tell me what you did to my horse." Drunkenly, the man says "You really wanna know? Fine. Well you see the first night, I whispered in your horses ear that I had a bigger dick than he did. And as for the 2nd night, I came back and proved it."More Jokes about Tim Allen [01/02/2018 12:01:02]

Quotes of the month

Eugene Ryabyi The faceless person is not even seen under a magnifying glass. [10/21/2018 09:10:26] More


Anna Aronova Happiness is the ability to find small pleasures where no one notices them. [10/25/2018 12:10:45] More


Eugene Ryabyi In God's pocket is when one eats forbidden fruits in paradise without punishment. [11/10/2018 11:11:07] More


Anatoly Yurkin Time is a rip-off of eternity. [10/20/2018 04:10:21] More


Anna Aronova Sometimes people tell the truth, but it's hard to tell it from a lie.- [10/27/2018 07:10:03] More