Tim Allen

Tim Allen

comedian
I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.More Tim Allen quotes [09/02/2005 12:09:00]
I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.More Tim Allen quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends.

Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.

Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitimate" because she couldn't read.

Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.

Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.

Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!

Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!

Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!

Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Yo mama so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.

Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.

Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"

Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."

Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.

Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.

Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.

Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

Yo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.

Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

Yo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.

Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.More Yo Momma Jokes about Tim Allen [01/02/2018 12:01:02]

Every year, Farmer Big won the blue ribbon for the largest hog at the county fair. His neighbor, Farmer Little came over one day with a bottle of his best elderberry wine and proceeded to get Farmer Big drunk. Having achieved his aim, Farmer Little starts questioning Farmer Big about his trick for the biggest hog.
Turns out, every year, 2 weeks before the fair, Farmer Big would select his largest hog and cram a #3 thermos cork up the hogs ass to plug him up. So Farmer Little decided 4 weeks ahead of the fair to cram a #6 thermos cork up his largest hog’s ass.
Sho’ nuff, that year Farmer Little’s hog one the Blue Ribbon for the first time ever. As luck would have it, just as the judges were awarding the blue ribbon, the organ grinder came walking by with his monkey. The monkey looked up at the hog’s ass from his perspective and saw the cork. Being a curious creature, the monkey reached up and pulled out the cork. Needless to say, shit flew everywhere as the pig flew around the room like a balloon when a kid lets go of it.
Farmer Big starts laughing uproariously as the judges unaward the blue ribbon. A crestfallen Farmer Little says "it ain’t that funny”. “Wanna bet?”, Farmer Big says, “You should have seen the look on that monkey’s face as he was trying to put the cork back in!”
More Jokes about Tim Allen [01/02/2018 12:01:02]

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