Tara Brach

There\'s healthy attachment, like with a mother and child. It\'s biologically part of our survival.

The process of radical acceptance is to accept that a story has appeared in the mind, and then deepen the attention to see clearly what\'s happening in the body, to regard those feelings and sensations with kindness and acceptance, and to notice how they come and go.

Somewhere in my early twenties I realized I was pretty constantly monitoring myself, judging how I was always falling short, whether it was about not being a good enough daughter or friend, or my appearance, or whatever. I ended up becoming involved with a spiritual path in the yogic tradition, living in an ashram, doing a very rigorous spiritual practice.

In the process of deeply accepting our own inner experience, instead of being identified with a story of a limited self, we realize the compassion and wakefulness that is our essence.

Most of us grow up with a sense of \"I\'m not intelligent enough.\" It\'s such a sad thing that in the West we worship a certain kind of left-brain intelligence.

I think of desire as the essence that brings forth the whole universe.

Allowing another to be as they are is more what I think of as \"space.\" The space to express yourself and know that you\'re going to be accepted. That\'s more where I go than with the actual physical logistics of how much time you have together and how much time you have apart.

When we experience stress, the nervous system tries to control things. Part of waking up is discovering what we are beyond that controlling organism.

This longing to express and celebrate life is innate and quite beautiful.

In intimate relationships, if we start trying to be more real, it\'s very scary.

I knew I could hold myself with that absolute love and compassion.

The fear side can have us pull away and protect us, but it\'s really a withdrawal, a disassociation, a cutting off. Rather than the word detachment, I usually use the word non-attachment. That can be wholesome when we care and are completely engaged with each other but are not attached to things being a certain way.

If it weren\'t for desire, the formless would not have come into form and engage creatively.

A lot of times in spiritual communities, detachment is considered to be an expression of being spiritually evolved when often, we have want and fear around being in relationship with each other.

I\'d known that I had the capacity to love, that I enjoyed seeing other people be happy, that I had a real awe and wonder about the beauty of this world.

We are continually experiencing the conditioning to hold on, tighten, or resist.

If I\'m judging the attachment, myself, or another person, then I create separation.

To open in a loving way is to let awareness notice that tightening.

With the first out breath, you are releasing worries, plans, mental tensions. With the second out breath, you are releasing physical tightness and tension. With the third out breath, you are releasing difficult emotions.

If there\'s a demand of being together in a certain way, those expectations and judgements take away from that space and create an edginess and a cramped-ness to the relationship.

When caught in conflict and blame - make a U-turn and shift your attention from blaming thoughts to what\'s going on emotionally in your body.

Meditation helps us gain the capacity to relax, to connect with what is going on right here and right now, to connect with other people, to re-access our resourcefulness, our clarity and our ability to focus and keep an open heart.

If you can, do a gratitude practice: Each day write down three things you\'re grateful for. There are different ways to do this. You can have a gratitude buddy, someone with whom, at the end of the day, you exchange messages listing these three things you are grateful for. Also, you can journal it or reflect on it silently.

This is for anyone reading this who wants to explore it. Recognize the thought, \"Afraid of loving,\" then gently put your hand on your heart to send a message of kindness.

If I can forgive the attachment in myself and open to the vulnerability that\'s underneath it, then rather than fixating on another person to satisfy my need, I\'m actually going right to where the needs come from and able to bring a real healing.

Unless we\'re completely awake, have a degree of that. We tense against love and hold on in a way that doesn\'t let it flow. When that\'s really strong, the key piece to freeing our hearts is self-compassion.

Because we have such a deeply grooved conditioning to reject and condemn ourselves, particularly in this culture, I find that emphasis on the word \"acceptance\" is central in healing. It brings our attention to the possibility of saying yes to what we are experiencing in the moment, and counteracts the conditioning to push away what feels unpleasant or intense or unfamiliar.

Stories about ourselves and about the world continually arise in our minds and shape our beliefs about reality.

The main thing going on around intimacy is that we\'ve developed a lot of strategies so we\'ll be a desirable package.

It may sound lovey-dovey, but there\'s research showing the positive effect of meditation on parts of the brain that control emotion.