Bill Maher

Democrats have become like the royal family, where, due to constant incest... unfortunately, underdeveloped children have begun to be born. The same can happen to the ideas of democrats, since they are born in an environment of intellectual incest.

Don't call me when you're stuck in traffic. It's not my fault that radio sucks and did it ever occur to you that there wouldn't be so much traffic if people like you put down the phone and concentrated on the road... besides I can't talk now, I'm in the car behind you trying to watch a DVD.

All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

To paraphrase the great Will Rogers, El Rusho never met a pharmacist he did not like.

Even somebody like Bill Clinton, who I happen to admire very much, the second he was out of office, I remember, he was interview in Rolling Stone and he said he thought we should have legalized marijuana. And I thought, gosh, if only you were in some sort of position to affect change in the last eight years where you could have done something about that.

When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they'd said or did when they were in office.

As a loyal American and I think a patriotic American, no, I don't want Sarah Palin to be president.

My father was a news guy, you know, he was in radio news. And so that was sort of in my DNA. It was something we talked about at the dinner table when I was a kid.

When I was 5-years-old, I knew who Khrushchev was.

If you ignore every single thing Jesus told you to do, you are just auditing. You're not a Christian.

One of the advantages of atheism is takes so little of your time.

In New York, Catholic groups have forced an art gallery to shut down an exhibition of a six-foot image of Jesus in chocolate. So, the Archbishop of New York was very upset. He said, 'It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.'

To even win a nomination in this country, you have to say you're a person of great faith. You have to pledge to the people out there that you put your faith in things that are unable to be proven - that you suspend critical thinking as the way to go.

When you look at belief in such things - as do you go to heaven, is there a devil - we have more in common with (Muslin countries) Turkey and Iran and Syria than we do with European nations and Canada and nations that, yes, I would consider more enlightened that us.

What is \'martinizing\' and why does it only take one hour?

Community is gathering around a fire and listening to someone tell a story.

Heroin may be bad, but it sure as hell hasn't hurt my CD collection.

Well, I hate to tell youbut if you have a flu shot for more than five years in a row, there's ten times the likelihood that you'll get Alzheimer's disease.

I'm not into western medicine. That to me is a complete scare tactic.

A flu shot just compromises your immune system.

A flu shot is the worst thing you can do.

False hope really makes you cynical.

And what is the Republican solution to these outrageous [racial] inequalities? There isn't one. And that's the point. Denying racism is the new racism. To not acknowledge those statistics, to think of that as a 'black problem' and not an American problem. To believe, as a majority of FOX viewers do, that reverse-racism is a bigger problem than racism, that's racist,

Talk to women who've ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good,

The Hollywood executives are, like, 'We're not racist, we just have to pretend to be racists because we're capitalists. We want to sell our movies in China (and) they don't like Kevin Hart.

I'm just honest. They [asians] don't want to see black people generally in their movies.

If it weren't for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.

I would wager that the number of civilians that were killed [in] a typical week under Saddam Hussein was probably more than we killed during the weeks we were at war there.

...what I love about Ann Coulter is that she's sort of the-she's sort of a version of myself in that she absolutely never pulls a punch. Even when she's saying something that I think is outrageous, it's what she really believes and she doesn't back off of it. And that is what I find so refreshing and, unfortunately, so unique. I can't name five other people who do that, who don't calculate before they speak.