Lewis Black

It's 2003. Why can't I teleport?

The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.

These people [the Christians] watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.

Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourettes'.

All food is comfort food. <br /> Maybe I just like to chew.

My review of 2001, the year, is the same as my review of 2001: A Space Odyssey. It went on too long, it was hard to follow, and you could only enjoy it if you were really, really, *really* stoned.

It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance.

Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.

Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich.

For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think.

Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app!

Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible.

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.

If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.

I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.

Everybody's family has different values.

Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself.

It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.'

There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power.

Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.

Self-love is a big part of golf.

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.

Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.

It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.

We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of NO ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of BAD ideas.