Her name was called Lady Helena Herring and her age was 25 and she mated well with the earl.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
A lady of what is commonly called an uncertain temper -- a phrase which being interpreted signifies a temper tolerably certain to make everybody more or less uncomfortable.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Those colorful denizens of male despair, the Bowery bum and the rail-riding hobo, have been replaced by the bag lady and the welfare mother. Women have even taken over Skid Row.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
This lady is not for turning.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Merry Men: [singing] Ta da, da da da da - whoo!
Monsieur Hood: I steal from the rich and give to the needy...
Merry Man: He takes a wee percentage...
Monsieur Hood: But I'm not greedy - I rescue pretty damsels, man I'm good!
Merry Men: What a guy, ha ha, Monsieur Hood!
Monsieur Hood: Break it down...
Monsieur Hood: I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid...
Merry Men: What he's basically saying is he likes to get...
Monsieur Hood: Paid!
Monsieur Hood: So, when an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad.
Merry Man: [joining in] That's bad, that's bad, that's bad!
Monsieur Hood: When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad!
Merry Men: He's mad, he's really, really mad!
Monsieur Hood: Now I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys, 'Cause I'm about to start ...
[Fiona swoops in and kicks him - the music stops]
Princess Fiona: Man, that was annoying!More [07/17/2005 12:07:00]
Elderly Lady whose flat tire Phil fixed: He's the fastest jack in Jefferson County! More [07/22/2005 12:07:00]
Rusty: Saul, you're the best there is. What do you want?
Saul: Nothing. I've got a duplex now, wall-to-wall, goldfish. I'm seeing a nice lady who works the "Unmentionables" counter at Macy's. I've changed.
Rusty: Guys like us don't change, Saul. We either stay sharp or we get sloppy, we don't change. More [07/07/2005 12:07:00]
Shrunken Head: Ernie, little old lady at twelve o'clock!
[the Knight Bus screeches to a halt]
Shrunken Head: Ten... nine... eight... seven... six... five... four... 'tree'... 'tree' and a half... two... one and 'tree' quarters... YES!
Harry: Thanks, Ron.More [07/27/2005 12:07:00]
Fat Lady in Painting: [sings while holding a glass] Ah ah ah AH!
Harry: Fortuna Major.
Fat Lady in Painting: No, wait, wait!
[sings again, higher]
Fat Lady in Painting: Ah ah ah AH!
Harry: Fortuna Major.
Fat Lady in Painting: Wait!
[sings again, highest]
Fat Lady in Painting: Ah ah ah AAAAAAAAAAAH!
[holds the note, looks around to make sure nobody's watching, then smashes the glass on the edge of the painting]
Fat Lady in Painting: Oh, amazing! And just with my voice!
Harry: Fortuna Major.
Fat Lady in Painting: Yes, all right, all right, you can go in.
Harry: Thank you!
Fat Lady in Painting: Plebs.More [07/27/2005 12:07:00]
Boris Lermontov: How would you define ballet, Lady Neston?
Lady Neston: Well, one might call it the poetry of motion perhaps, or...
Boris Lermontov: One might. But for me it is a great deal more. For me it is a religion. And one doesn't really care to see one's religion practised in an atmosphere... such as this.More [07/29/2005 12:07:00]
School of Fish: Hey, hey! You like impressions?
School of Fish: Okay, just like in rehearsal, gentlemen.
[School takes form of swordfish]
School of Fish: So, what are we? Take a guess.
Dory: Oh, oh, I've seen one of those.
School of Fish: I'm a fish with a nose like a *sword*.
Dory: Wait, wait, umm...
Marlin: It's a swordfish!
School of Fish: Hey, clown boy! Let the lady guess.
[Takes form of lobster]
School of Fish: Where's the butter?
Dory: Ooh! It's on the tip of my tongue...
Marlin: [Coughing] Lobster!
School of Fish: Saw that.
School of Fish: [Takes form of octopus] Lots of legs, swims in the ocean.
School of Fish: Close enough.
[Takes form of pirate ship]
School of Fish: Oh, it's a whale of a tale, I'll tell you, lad...
Dory: Oh, they're good.More [08/11/2005 12:08:00]
Ron Burgundy: The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show...
[kisses his biceps]
Ron Burgundy: and see if she likes the goods.More [08/28/2005 12:08:00]
Brian Fantana: [seriously] I'm telling you, this lady has really crawled into Ron's head.
Brick Tamland: [breaks out laughing] Good one!More [08/28/2005 12:08:00]
Narrator: Clean food, please.
Waiter: In that case, sir, may I advise against the lady eating clam chowder?
Narrator: No clam chowder, thank you.More [09/07/2005 12:09:00]
Vianne Rocher: Would you like to buy something special for your lady friend?
Guillaume Blerot: My lady friend?
Vianne Rocher: Yes, the woman your dog was fond of.
Guillaume Blerot: Oh, I mustn't. Mme Audel is in mourning for her husband.
Vianne Rocher: Oh. I'm sorry. When did he die?
Guillaume Blerot: The war. A German grenade.
Vianne Rocher: Well, it's been 15 years since the war.
Guillaume Blerot: Not that war. M Audel was killed on the 12th January 1917. It was quite a blow to Mme Audel.
Vianne Rocher: Apparently so.More [09/22/2005 12:09:00]
Kira: Look up "muse" in the dictionary. Go on, page seven twenty-eight. Read it!
Sonny: Okay, all right. I'll read it.
Sonny: "Muse; any one of the nine sister..."
Kira: Like the album cover? Mm-hmm?
Sonny: [reading] "Any one of the nine sister goddesses in Greek mythology, presiding over song, and poetry, and the arts and do you believe me now, Sonny?" How'd you do that? What's going on?
Kira: [Points at the TV] The television!
[the television comes on and is showing a movie in black and white with two characters, Nick and Vargas, having a conversation when Nick pulls a gun]
Nick: What should I do, Sonny? Dive at him, um, or make a martini?
Vargas: Who you talking to?
Nick: Sonny Malone. He doesn't believe Kira's a muse.
Sonny: How can you be talking to me? You're a movie!
Vargas: I ain't got time for this, Malone. Brenda's the only one that saw me at the racetrack. Now if the lady says she's a muse, she's a muse.
[Brenda Trent enters, played by Kira, who is still also outside of the television screen]
Vargas: Who's that? Brenda!
Brenda Trent: Sonny.
[Sonny slumps into a chair]
Nick: I think he needs a drink.
Kira: It's okay; I'll take care of it. Thanks!
Nick: Good luck on the opening of your joint, kid.
[Puts his hands up]
Nick: Wish I could be there.More [10/18/2005 12:10:00]
Dowager Marchioness of Buckminster: Here he is again. "Lord Buckminster will fulfill his usual role of best man." This time, at the Roxbury wedding. I do wish he'd choose a girl for himself.
Miss Hutchinson: Do men ever do that, Lady Buckminster?
Dowager Marchioness of Buckminster: Of course they do; whatever do you mean?
Miss Hutchinson: Why, the girl usually chooses the man, and then makes him think he's done it himself!
Dowager Marchioness of Buckminster: What a dreadful idea, and how right you are!More [12/17/2005 12:12:00]
Butler: Lady Rose Mary's in the music room, and Lady Mary Rose in the morning room.
Marquis of Buckminster: Thank you.
Marquis of Buckminster: Heads, morning room; tails, music room... Morning room.More [12/17/2005 12:12:00]
Robbie: [singing] She loves her/ but she loves this guy right here/ but she loves somebody else/ you just can win/ and so it goes until the day you die/ this thing called love is going to make you cry. I hate you/ I've had the blues/ From wretched pranks/ One thing's for sure.
[Holds microphone to fat man]
Fat Man: Love stinks?
Robbie: Love stinks/ Yeah yeah
[Holds microphone to fat man]
Fat Man: Love stinks!
Robbie: Love stinks/ Yeah, yeah
[holds microphone to lady with sideburns]
Lady with sideburns: Love stinks.
Robbie: Love stinks. Yeah yeah.
[holds microphone to table 9]
Table 9: Love stinks.
Robbie: Love stinks/ Yeah yeah.
[Bride's father punches Robbie, Robbie falls back on a table. Bride's father jumps on him and pushes and pulls him]
Robbie: Love stinks/ Love stinks/ LOVE STINKS!More [12/18/2005 12:12:00]
Jody: What's he doing?
Claire Spencer: Eating dinner alone. TV dinner!
Jody: Oh, that's bad. Look I gotta run, call me back later, if he starts on some serial killer desert, like lady fingers!
Claire Spencer: You got it.More [01/02/2006 12:01:00]
Barney: [at another party, Barney sees the same old lady, now holding a Shar-Pei in her arm] Hey, it's my favorite dog lady again! How you doing? You have a new dog?
Woman with Dogs: Yes, this is a Shar-Pei; it's a Chinese dog.
Barney: [Barney pulls on the dog's wrinkled skin] Damn, you need to iron this dog, lady. Look at this!
Woman with Dogs: No, stop, that's just how the dog is!
Barney: Shit, you could fit two dogs in here!
[he continues to pull on the dog's loose skin]
Woman with Dogs: [Slapping Barney's hand away] No! Please, stop abusing my dog, you horrible man!
Barney: You have any Vietnamese neighbors?
Woman with Dogs: No, I don't think so.
Barney: Well, if any ever move in, and you go on vacation, believe me, you're going to want to take Fluffy with you! You'll come back and your dog will be missing it's hind leg, saying 'where were you?'
Woman with Dogs: Oh! That's horrible! You terrible, horrible man!
Barney: You go next door and talk to your neighbor, and he'll be standing there, picking his teeth, 'No! We no see Fluffy! What your dog look like? Your dog have big, juicy hind leg?'
Woman with Dogs: Oh, you awful man! Please, go away!
Barney: Fine! I guess this means we can't be pals no more?More [02/07/2006 12:02:00]
Barney: [at a party Barney walks up to an older woman, holding a small white poodle. He makes sounds like a dog in pain] Awww, is that mean old lady squeezing your genitals?
Woman with Dogs: Oh! You dreadful man!More [02/07/2006 12:02:00]
I love cats. I have a lot of cat tales, ha ha, so to speak. A lot of my cats come to me. They show up at my house. I'm kind of a cat lady that way.More [08/20/2006 12:08:00]
“[And his leading lady echoes that observation.] American men don't want to do comedy that makes them look silly or less masculine, ... But he has no fear. He throws himself into things. In fact, he threw himself out of a second-story window one day. He had the stunt me put down mats so everyone would laugh hysterically.”More [09/15/2006 12:09:00]
“I thought it was a really good contrast to have a really sweet, sincere, church girl sitting next to the church lady who seemed kind of, you know, over the top.”More [10/15/2006 12:10:00]
“I think actually there's another young lady who would like to do it and so I've got my fingers crossed for her. I think it's Ellen. I think she would be good.”More [10/16/2006 12:10:00]
I did a book signing when we were in New York the day before yesterday. A lady came through and she was just weeping, and said, 'I wish this would have been brought out sooner, my sister is in prison for suffocating her child.'More [11/07/2006 12:11:00]
“On fellow It girl Lady Victoria Hervey: I think she's unpleasant, a right snob. It would be unoriginal for her to have a go at me now.”More [01/16/2007 12:01:00]
I keep getting these extraordinary letteres, really weird ones from American sports stars - I've always thought you were one pretty lady and now that you're single I want to meet you for a drink.More [02/05/2007 12:02:00]
Brenda: [having a nightmare] Lil' Kim- Lil'Kim got my sandwich. Look out- Russsell Crowe's got a phone! R.Kelly, don't pee on me! MY LOVELY LADY LUMPS! Where are we?
Cindy Campbell: I'm not sure, but I think were close. It's supposed to be near mile 62.
Brenda: Is something wrong?
Cindy Campbell: No, it's just... I met this guy, and I wonder if he's safe. Oh, you'd love him, Brenda.
Brenda: What's his name? I might've already loved him.
Cindy Campbell: Tom Ryan.
Brenda: Yeah, did him. Big, fat Chinese guy?
Cindy Campbell: No... No.
Cindy Campbell: But he is the kind of guy I'd like to share the rest of my life with.More [02/22/2007 12:02:00]
Greg Focker: [high on Truth Serum, giving a speech] Hello everybody. I am, uh, about to set sail on my ship... on the sea of life with my first mate - the beautiful Pamela Byrnes.
Pam Byrnes: Love you, baby!
Greg Focker: [drunkenly blows back kiss, pauses] I still masturbate to Pam. What? She's hot - check out those boobs. I just wanna lather 'em up with soap and rub my face in 'em. I could take a vacation in there. What? Gosh, sorry you're perfect! And there's another wonderful lady in the audience, my future mother-in-law Dina Byrnes! Dina-Dina-Bo-Bina-I-love-Dina! Byrnes! You know they say you can tell from looking at the mother what your wife will look like in the future - well, I'm looking, and I'm LIKIN...
Greg Focker: In my first... passionate sexual awakening, I made sweet sweet love to my housekeeper, Isabelle.
Pam Byrnes: Come on, honey, that was in the past, so sit down.
Greg Focker: No no no, baby - I gotta get this off my chest.
Pam Byrnes: Please... sit.
Greg Focker: We conceived a child. Come on up here, Jorge! This is the fruit of my loins. Come on - search your heart, you know it to be true. Yo soy tu papa! Yeah, I know, a lot of information to take in. Give that boy a hand. Oh, and Jack - Pam's pregnant. Focker out.
[passes out]More [02/23/2007 12:02:00]
Lorna Cole: Nothing comes between a pregnant lady and a meal.More [03/04/2007 12:03:00]
Old Lady at Opera: Did you like the opera, dear?
Vivian: It was so good, I almost peed my pants!
Edward Lewis: She said she liked it better than Pirates of Penzance.More [03/08/2007 12:03:00]
[returning for Thanksgiving dinner]
Peter Parker: Sorry I'm late, it's a jungle out there; I had to beat an old lady with a stick to get these cranberries.More [03/18/2007 12:03:00]
The Riddler: Tell the fat lady she's on in five.More [03/19/2007 12:03:00]
Poison Ivy: As I told Lady Freeze when I pulled her plug, this is a one woman show.More [03/19/2007 12:03:00]
Rose: I love you, Jack.
Jack: Don't you do that, don't say your good-byes.
Rose: I'm so cold.
Jack: Listen, Rose. You're gonna get out of here, you're gonna go on and make lots of babies, and you're gonna watch them grow. You're gonna die an old... an old lady warm in her bed, but not here, not this night. Not like this, do you understand me?
Rose: I can't feel my body.
Jack: Winning that ticket, Rose, was the best thing that ever happened to me... it brought me to you. And I'm thankful for that, Rose. I'm thankful. You must do me this honor, Rose. Promise me you'll survive. That you won't give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless. Promise me now, Rose, and never let go of that promise.
Rose: I promise.
Jack: Never let go.
Rose: I'll never let go. I'll never let go, Jack.More [03/20/2007 12:03:00]
[after Jack "rescues" Rose from her suicide attempt, he holds Lovejoy back to scab some cigarettes]
Lovejoy: You'll want to tie those.
[He points at Jack's boots]
Lovejoy: It's interesting. The young lady slipped so suddenly and you still had time to remove your jacket and your shoes.More [03/20/2007 12:03:00]
[from extended version]
[looking at the elvish rope]
Frodo: We can't leave this here for someone to follow us down.
Sam: Who's going to follow us down here, Mr. Frodo?
Sam: It's a shame, really. Lady Galadriel gave me that. Real elvish rope.
Sam: Well, there's nothing for it - it's one of my knots. It won't come free in a hurry.
[tugs rope, rope falls]
Frodo: Real Elvish rope.More [03/20/2007 12:03:00]
Ludwig: So they were able to get him to the hospital in time?
Frank: Yes, he's in the intensive care ward at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle.More [03/26/2007 12:03:00]
Eleonore: This year you bring a lady guest?
Jamie: No, change of situation. It's just me.
Eleonore: Am I sad or not sad?
Jamie: I think you're not surprised.More [04/03/2007 12:04:00]
Marion: Well, Jones, at least you haven't forgotten how to show a lady a good time.
Indiana: Boy, you're something.
Marion: Yeah? I'll tell you what. Until I get back my five thousand dollars, you're gonna get more than you bargained for. I'm your goddamn partner.More [04/07/2007 12:04:00]
Servant Girl: My Lady says the pig must stay outside, but we will take the animal.
[takes the pig inside, leaving Casanova outside]More [04/17/2007 12:04:00]
Katrina: She was like, totally antisocial.
Elizabeth Masterson: Ok, maybe we weren't close friends
Katrina: She was like a cat lady with no cats.
Elizabeth Masterson: Ok. We're done here.More [04/19/2007 12:04:00]
Elle: This is what I need to become.
Old Lady at Manicurist: What? Practically deformed?
Elle: No, a law student.More [04/19/2007 12:04:00]
Jack: I don't actually know who I am by birth. I was... well, I was found.
Lady Bracknell: Found?
Jack: Yes. The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentlemen of a kindly disposition found me and gave me the name of Worthing because he happened to have a first class ticket to Worthing at the time. Worthing is a place in Sussex. It's a seaside resort.
Lady Bracknell: And where did this charitable gentlemen with the first class ticket to the seaside resort find you?
Jack: In a handbag.
Lady Bracknell: [closes eyes briefly] A handbag?
Jack: Yes, Lady Bracknell, I was in a hand bag. A somewhat large... black... leather handbag with handles... to it.
Lady Bracknell: An ordinary handbag.
Lady Bracknell: And where did this Mr. James... or, Thomas Cardew come across this ordinary handbag?
Jack: The cloak room at Victoria Station. It was given to him in mistake for his own...
Lady Bracknell: [Shocked] The cloak room at Victoria Station?
Jack: Yes. The Brighton line.
Lady Bracknell: The line is immaterial.
[begins tearing up notes]
Lady Bracknell: Mr. Worthing. I must confess that I feel somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me. To be born, or at any rate bred in a handbag, whether it have handles or not, seems to me to display a contempt for the ordinary decencies of family life which reminds one of the worst excesses of the French revolution, and I presume you know what that unfortunate movement led to?More [04/20/2007 12:04:00]
Jack: Lady Bracknell, I hate to seem inquisitive, but would you kindly inform me who I am?More [04/20/2007 12:04:00]
[over the end credits, Algy and Jack rehearse their song to win back their girls]
Jack: I think your high notes may have damaged our chances, old boy. You do want them to come down, don't you?
Algy: Well, they're never going to come down while you're singing like that, you're completely out of tune.
Jack: How dare you.
Algy: I'll take this next bit.
Jack: You leave this one to me, you go and have a lie-down.
Algy: I'm doing it.
Jack: Move out of my way, I'm coming through.
Algy: Go easy, my dear fellow...
Jack: [singing] COME DO-O-O-O-WN, LADY COME DOWN...
Algy: Overdoing it, less is more.More [04/20/2007 12:04:00]
[Jack tells Lady Bracknell his address in London]
Lady Bracknell: The unfashionable side. I thought there was something.
[she reaches for the bell, but reconsiders and pulls back]
Lady Bracknell: However, that could easily be altered.
Jack: Do you mean the fashion, or the side?
Lady Bracknell: Well, both, if necessary, I presume!More [04/20/2007 12:04:00]
Lady Bracknell: I have always been of the opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing. Which do you know?
Jack: I know nothing, Lady Bracknell.
Lady Bracknell: I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a very delicate exotic fruit. Touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately, in England at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor's Square.More [04/20/2007 12:04:00]
[talking about Lady Sylvia]
Mary Maceachran: What was her family like?
Elsie: What you'd expect: toffee-nosed and useless. Her father was the Earl of Carton, which sounds good except he didn't have a pot to piss in.More [04/22/2007 12:04:00]
Elsie: Why do we spend our time living through them? Look at poor old Lewis. If her own mother had a heart attack, she'd think it was less important than one of Lady Sylvia's farts.More [04/22/2007 12:04:00]
Constance, Countess of Trentham: Are any of the others getting up for breakfast? The women, I mean.
Mary Maceachran: I think Lady Lavinia may be.
Constance, Countess of Trentham: That settles it. Come back at half past eight. I'll get dressed. It's the greatest bore, of course, but I don't want to miss anything.More [04/22/2007 12:04:00]
Mary Maceachran: They said Sir William was planning to cut Lady Sylvia out of his will in favour of Miss Isobel.
Constance, Countess of Trentham: That's nothing. In the new will, Sir William left Lady Stockbridge 100,000 pounds. Sylvia thinks it's a huge joke, especially since she won't have to pay it.More [04/22/2007 12:04:00]
Constance, Countess of Trentham: So what's the gossip in the servant’s quarters?
Mary Maceachran: Um, nothing my lady.
Constance, Countess of Trentham: Nonsense. Come on, out with it.
Mary Maceachran: Well, is it true that Sir William could have married Lady Stockbridge if he'd wanted to?
Constance, Countess of Trentham: Is that what they're saying?
Mary Maceachran: Only that Lord Carton was after Sir William for one of them but he didn't care which.
Constance, Countess of Trentham: What would you say if I told you, they cut cards for him.More [04/22/2007 12:04:00]
Mr. Collins: Charlotte, come here.
Charlotte Lucas: Has the pig escaped again?
[looks out window]
Charlotte Lucas: Oh. It's Lady Catherine.More [04/25/2007 12:04:00]
Mr. Collins: Do not make yourself uneasy, my dear cousin, about your apparel.
Charlotte Lucas: Just put on whatever you bought that's best.
Mr. Collins: Lady Catherine has never been averse to the truly humble.More [04/25/2007 12:04:00]
Chief Grizzly: Pretty thin Wolf! You say the old lady was already tied up. How did that happen?
The Wolf: I don't know, maybe to make herself look innocent. I just write the news Chief, I don't make it.
Red: For a reporter, you sure have a strange way of doing your job.
The Wolf: What can I say? I was raised by wolves.More [04/28/2007 12:04:00]
Mistakes are a form of alienation available to the analog user. [09/15/2019 01:09:10] More
Soon, street dogs will refuse hand-feeding, if your sandwich will not be the logo of the cryptocurrency Libra. (Anatoly Yurkin) [09/15/2019 12:09:33] More
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