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Midnight, and the clock strikes. It is Christmas Day, the werewolves birthday, the door of the solstice still wide enough open to let them all slink through.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Moving between the legs of tables and of chairs, rising or falling, grasping at kisses and toys, advancing boldly, sudden to take alarm, retreating to the corner of arm and knee, eager to be reassured, taking pleasure in the fragrant brilliance of the Christmas tree.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Adults who still derive childlike pleasure from hanging gifts of a ready-made education on the Christmas tree of a child waiting outside the door to life do not realize how unreceptive they are making the children to everything that constitutes the true surprise of life.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Your friendship is a glowing ember Through the year; and each December From its warm and living spark We kindle flame against the dark And with its shining radiance light Our tree of faith on Christmas night.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Please to put a nickel, please to put a dime. How petitions trickle in at Christmas time!More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Friendship is a precious gift. To give at Christmas time. A Cherished gift, a treasured gift that lasts through all time.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Marla Singer: I got this dress at a thrift store for one dollar.
Narrator: It was worth every penny.
Marla Singer: It's a bridesmaid's dress. Someone loved it intensely for one day, and then tossed it. Like a Christmas tree. So special. Then, bam, it's on the side of the road.
[Grabs Narrator's crotch]
Marla Singer: Tinsel still clinging to it. Like a sex crime victim. Underwear inside out. Bound with electrical tape.
Narrator: Well, then it suits you.
Marla Singer: You can borrow it sometime.More [09/07/2005 12:09:00]
Spike Frohmeyer: [watching Luther steal a Christmas tree] Are you sure this isn't illegal?
Luther Krank: Are you a cop?More [09/24/2005 12:09:00]
James Bond: I need to know who's in charge here.
Dr. Christmas Jones: That would be me, Dr. Christmas Jones and I don't want to hear any jokes.
James Bond: I don't know any doctor jokesMore [11/07/2005 12:11:00]
James Bond: I've always wanted to have Christmas in Turkey.
Dr. Christmas Jones: Was that a Christmas joke?
James Bond: From me? Never.More [11/07/2005 12:11:00]
Dr. Christmas Jones: You wanna put that in English for those of us who don't speak Spy?More [11/07/2005 12:11:00]
Dr. Christmas Jones: What's the story with you and Elektra?
James Bond: We're strictly plutonic, now.More [11/07/2005 12:11:00]
Dr. Christmas Jones: Wait a minute. Are you going to do what I think you're going to do?
James Bond: What do I need to defuse a nuclear bomb?
Dr. Christmas Jones: Me.More [11/07/2005 12:11:00]
Dr. Christmas Jones: The world's greatest terrorist running around with six kilos of weapons-grade plutonium can't be good. I gotta get it back, or someone's gonna have my ass.
James Bond: First things first.More [11/07/2005 12:11:00]
James Bond: [in bed with Jones] I was wrong about you.
Dr. Christmas Jones: Yeah, how so?
James Bond: I thought Christmas only comes once a year.More [11/07/2005 12:11:00]
Sandra: I really got caught up in the romance of being gentile, especially around Christmas time. I would fantasize that I had an older brother named Chip and a little sister named Sally, and my name would either be Happy or Buffy or Babe, one of those big, sexy blondes who plays a lot of volleyball: Yeah, spike it, Babe, all right! Yes!More [11/14/2005 12:11:00]
Sandra: No one speaks of pavilions anymore, and that saddens me.

Sandra: Funny Girl was hot, hot, hot that year. And I begged my father to take us to see it, but he couldn't get his hands on a single ticket. Instead, he took us to see a matinee of Any Wednesday with Sandy Dennis. He said, Let's go see a woman who's going to be doing the exact same thing for the next 20 years. But she did it best in Any Wednesday, you have to admit.

Sandra: Come back to the Five and Dime, Barbra Streisand, Barbra Streisand.

Sandra: [about Barbra Streisand] ... she went down the Stoney End. She never wanted to go down the Stoney End, but somebody forced her down the Stoney End. We miss you, Barbra. Come back to the Five and Dime, Barbra Streisand, Barbra Streisand.

Sandra: I can recall to this day the thrill of knowing someone in an all-American family was losing her grip. The thought of the family hovering together terrified really turned me on. It was as if I could go over and reassure them and tell them I would take care of everything.

Sandra: It was a portrait Normal Rockwell forgot to paint: someone's mother home again ^Å in oils.

Sandra: When I was a little girl, I used to go home for lunch every day, and I'd pretend that my mother was a waitress in a roadside cafe. I'll have a side order, ma'am. A side order consists of a white-meat tuna, a dollop of mayonnaise, some carrot strips and potato chips. And then I'd sit at the counter... and ignore her.

Sandra: My parents got divorced five years ago after 38 years of marriage. I thought, oh what perfect timing.

Sandra: [talking about her new mother-in-law] I remember the first time I met her. My dad came to pick up me and my brother at my mom's house. He pulled up in a Thunderbird, and I got in the back seat, and I said, Dad, why didn't you bring a bigger car? She said, Don't bitch. We could've brought the TransAm. Don't wear your seatbelt. Where I come from, people die - they burn up when they wear their seatbelt. Charmed.

Sandra: The last time I went anywhere with my parents before the divorce, we'd gone to Vegas 'cause I was doing the telethon with Jerry Lewis. And we'd just had dinner at the Stardust Hotel, one of the eight international restaurants -- I believe it was Aku Aku, the Polynesian. And my mother grabbed a handful of after-dinner mints, and she started choking on them. So me and my brother walked really far ahead in the casino. And my dad finally got her a glass of water, and she washed it all down. She went, Oh my God, there must have been dust on those mints.

Sandra: My father's a proctologist. My mother's an abstract artist. That's how I view the world.

Sandra: ...there was something really great about growing up in a liberal, intellectual, Jewish household with three sensitive older brothers. But there were times, I have to admit, that I really got caught up in the romance of being gentile, especially around Christmas time.

Sandra: [imitating a gentile mother at Christmas] Oh sure, your father may be going through a little bit of a mid-life crisis. But I worship that man, and I adore you kids. You both have been under so much pressure lately, what, with the cotillion coming up, Babe. Get some sleep. Grandma's coming over real early. We have some terrific presents to open. Sweet dreams. Love ya. And may all your Christmases be white.More [11/14/2005 12:11:00]
Sandra: ...there was something really great about growing up in a liberal, intellectual, Jewish household with three sensitive older brothers. But there were times, I have to admit, that I really got caught up in the romance of being gentile, especially around Christmas time.More [11/14/2005 12:11:00]
Joseph: I'm going to buy them their Christmas turkey.
Albert: "Buy"? Do you really mean "buy"?
Joseph: Yes, buy! In the Spirit of Christmas. The hard part's going to be stealing the money to pay for it.More [12/13/2005 12:12:00]
Gen. Thomas F. Waverly: There's no Christmas in the Army!More [01/28/2006 12:01:00]
All I want for Christmas is youMore [03/20/2006 12:03:00]
The Virgin Suicides score is really good. Lots of Air. And About A Boy , that Hugh Grant movie, has lots of cool stuff by Badly Drawn Boy. I had it on my Christmas list one year and my parents didn't get it because they thought I was kiddingMore [05/10/2006 12:05:00]
“This market is just trying to get to Christmas because it really doesn't know what it's doing, ... It's just hopefully going to have some good earnings eventually.”More [06/20/2006 12:06:00]
He put a ring in the toe of a stocking. On Christmas Eve, we opened our stockings and it was there at the bottom of the toe. Then he got down on his knees and he was shaking.More [09/04/2006 12:09:00]
I think we felt the pressure more at first than this time around. But still you don't want to let anyone down. I never even met Patrick until we had a Christmas party at Ian McKellen's house on the first movie and then I didn't see him again until the premiere.More [10/04/2006 12:10:00]
Lately I did a film called All I Want for Christmas and it was well received. This gave me a new point of view and a new respect for my work as an actress.More [10/05/2006 12:10:00]
I'd like to do a Christmas album. I've never done a Christmas album.More [10/11/2006 12:10:00]
Roger Murtaugh: [Discussing a theory] That's pretty fucking thin.
Martin Riggs: That's very thin.
Roger Murtaugh: What the hell, thin is my middle name.
Martin Riggs: Your wife's cooking, I'm not surprised.
Roger Murtaugh: What?
Martin Riggs: Nothin'.
Roger Murtaugh: Remarks like that will not get you invited to Christmas dinner.
Martin Riggs: My luck's changing for the better every day.More [03/01/2007 12:03:00]
J. Jonah Jameson: No jobs! Freelance! Best thing in the world for a kid your age. You bring me some more pictures of that newspaper-selling clown, maybe I'll take 'em off your hands. But I never said you have a job. *Meat*. I'll send you a nice box of Christmas meat. It's the best I can do - get out of here.More [03/18/2007 12:03:00]
Judy: All I want for Christmas is you.More [04/03/2007 12:04:00]
Mikey, DJ interviewer: How do you think this new record compares to your old, classic stuff?
Billy Mack: Oh come on Mikey, you know as well as I do the record's crap. But wouldn't it be great if number one this Christmas wasn't some smug teenager but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at any price? Those young popsters come Christmas will be stretched out naked with a cute bird balancing on their balls and I'll be stuck in some dingy flat with me manager Joe, ugliest man in the world, fucking miserable because our fucking gamble didn't pay off. So if you believe in Father Christmas, children, like your Uncle Billy does, buy my festering turd of a record. And particularly enjoy the incredible crassness of the moment when we try to squeeze an extra syllable into the fourth line.
Mikey, DJ interviewer: I think you're referring to "If you really love Christmas..."
Billy Mack: "Come on and let it snow". Ouch.
Mikey, DJ interviewer: So, here it is one more time, the dark horse for this year's Christmas number one, "Christmas Is All Around". Thank you, Billy. After this, the news. Is the new prime minister in trouble already?More [04/03/2007 12:04:00]
Jamie: Grande, er... grande familio, grande tradizione de Christmas presents. Stupido.More [04/03/2007 12:04:00]
Harry: Christmas shopping, never an easy or a pleasant task.More [04/03/2007 12:04:00]
Harry: Right, the Christmas party. Not my favourite night of the year and your unhappy job to organise.
Mia: So tell me.
Harry: Pretty basic really. Find a venue, overorder on the drinks, bulk buy the guacamole and advise the girls to avoid Kevin if they want their breasts unfondled.More [04/03/2007 12:04:00]
[on sheets of poster board]
Mark: [on sheets of poster board] With any luck, by next year - I'll be going out with one of these girls.
[shows pictures of beautiful supermodels]
Mark: But for now, let me say - Without hope or agenda - Just because it's Christmas - And at Christmas you tell the truth - To me, you are perfect - And my wasted heart will love you - Until you look like this
[picture of a mummy]
Mark: Merry ChristmasMore [04/03/2007 12:04:00]
Parky: This must be a very exciting moment for you, fighting for the Christmas number one. How's it looking so far?
Billy Mack: Very bad indeed. Blue are outselling me five to one. But I'm hoping for a late surge. And if I reach number one, I promise to sing the song stark naked on TV on Christmas Eve.
Parky: Do you mean that?
Billy Mack: Well of course I mean it, Michael. Do you want a preview? You old flirt.
[stands in front of Parky and flashes at him]
Parky: *That'll* never make number one!More [04/03/2007 12:04:00]
Billy Mack: Christmas is a time for people with someone they love in their lives.More [04/03/2007 12:04:00]
Billy Mack: I realized that Christmas is the time to be with the people you love.
Joe: Right.
Billy Mack: And I realized that as dire chance and fateful cockup would have it, here I am, mid 50s, and without knowing it I've gone and spent most of my adult life with a chubby employee. And much as it grieves me to say it, it might be that the people I love is, in fact... you.
Joe: Well, this is a surprise.
Billy Mack: Yeah...
Joe: Ten minutes at Elton John's and you're as gay as a maypole.More [04/03/2007 12:04:00]
Karen: Tell me, what would you do in my position?
Harry: What position is that?
Karen: Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace and come Christmas gave it to somebody else...
Harry: Oh, Karen...
Karen: Would you wait around to find out if it's just a necklace, or if it's sex and a necklace, or if worst of all it's a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?
Harry: Oh, God. I am so in the wrong. The classic fool.
Karen: [voice breaking] Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me, and you've made the life I lead foolish too.More [04/03/2007 12:04:00]
Prime Minister: Hello, does Natalie live here?
Harris Street little girl: Oh, are you here to sing carols?
Prime Minister: No... actually, I...
Harris Street little girl: Please! Please sing Christmas carols! Christmas carols!
Prime Minister: [singing] Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the Feast of Stephen / When the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even / Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel / When a poor man came in sight, gathering winter fuel.
[little girl and her friends dance and cheer]
Prime Minister: Thank you. Merry Christmas.
[shuts the door]More [04/03/2007 12:04:00]
[Karl has given Sarah a lift home after the Christmas party. They are standing on her doorstep]
Karl: Well I'd better go.
Sarah: OK.
Karl: Goodbye.
Sarah: Goodbye.
[he gives her a quick peck on the cheek, then they begin to kiss passionately]
Karl: Actually, I don't *have* to go.
Sarah: Good. Would you just excuse me for a second?
[she moves round the corner, out of sight of Karl, dances a little jig for joy, then returns]
Sarah: Right, that's done. Why don't you come upstairs in about ten seconds.More [04/03/2007 12:04:00]
Janice Pettiboe: It's a Rockwellian Christmas up here. Skating. Barbecues. Snow. We're here with defenseman Matt Marden, and... cut!
Charles Danner: What?
Janice Pettiboe: I can't feel my fingers.
'Skank' Marden: You need to rub 'em on a nice, warm Yuletide log.
Janice Pettiboe: I beg your pardon?
'Skank' Marden: Look, Christmas is a lonely day for a guy to be chokin' his own chicken. And as women reporters go, I find you supple.
Janice Pettiboe: Oh, that was lovely. It's a shame we weren't rolling for that.
Charles Danner: I'm sure he'd be happy to repeat it.
'Skank' Marden: [laughing] You need to relax!
Janice Pettiboe: Charles!
'Skank' Marden: Do you like massages?
[Skank leans over, bursting into laughter again]More [04/04/2007 12:04:00]
Judge: George Jung, you stand accused of possession of six hundred and sixty pounds of marijuana with intent to distribute. How do you plead?
George: Your honor, I'd like to say a few words to the court if I may.
Judge: Well, you're gonna have to stop slouching and stand up to address this court, sir.
George: [stands] Alright. Well, in all honesty, I don't feel that what I've done is a crime. And I think it's illogical and irresponsible for you to sentence me to prison. Because, when you think about it, what did I really do? I crossed an imaginary line with a bunch of plants. I mean, you say I'm an outlaw, you say I'm a thief, but where's the Christmas dinner for the people on relief? Huh? You say you're looking for someone who's never weak but always strong, to gather flowers constantly whether you are right or wrong, someone to open each and every door, but it ain't me, babe, huh? No, no, no, it ain't me, babe. It ain't me you're looking for, babe. You follow?
Judge: Yeah... Gosh, you know, your concepts are really interesting, Mister Jung.
George: Thank you.
Judge: Unfortunately for you, the line you crossed was real and the plants you brought with you were illegal, so your bail is twenty thousand dollars.More [04/11/2007 12:04:00]
Cartman: It's Christmas. We officially missed it. It's Christmas Day and I'm in Canada.
Kyle: Yeah, but I got my brother back.
Cartman: Yeah, you got your brother back but I didn't get any presents. And what did I tell you, Kyle? I told you if we didn't make it back in time for Christmas I was gonna whoop your ass, didn't I? Now you're gonna get it, motherfucker. That's it, you and me. Right now. We're having it out. Come on. Come on.
[Kyle slaps Cartman]
Cartman: WAAAAAAAH. WAAAAAAAAH. MOOOOOOM. MOOOOOOM.More [05/02/2007 12:05:00]
Mayor: An animated Christmas card? Kids, that just might be the dumbest idea I've ever heard, ever!More [05/02/2007 12:05:00]
Eric Cartman: Oh sweet. The "Life-Sized Blow-up Antonio Banderas Love Doll." What a cool Christmas present.More [05/02/2007 12:05:00]
Lewis Prothero: You... it is you!
V: The Ghost of Christmas past.More [05/21/2007 12:05:00]
Police Officer: These kids there just running around wild these days. Them kids last night they stole a cop car.
Bar Man: NO?
Police Officer: Yes! Them boys been exposing themselves!
Bar Man: Exposing themselves?
Police Officer: Yes! They put them wieners on the glass at the Alano Club, while the ladies were rehearsing the Christmas pageant.
Bar Man: They put them wieners on the glass at the Alano Club?More [05/27/2007 12:05:00]
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating about diving with his brother into the gifts under the Christmas tree] We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.
Mr. Parker: Didn't I get a tie this year?More [07/19/2007 12:07:00]
[marveling at a Christmas gift he just opened]
Mr. Parker: A can of Simoniz!More [07/19/2007 12:07:00]
[last lines]
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue steel beauty. The greatest Christmas gift I had ever received, or would ever receive. Gradually, I drifted off to sleep, pringing ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots.More [07/19/2007 12:07:00]
Ralphie as Adult: [chuckling] Ho, ho, but no matter. Christmas was on its way. Lovely, glorious, beautiful Christmas, upon which the entire kid year revolved.More [07/19/2007 12:07:00]
Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.More [07/20/2007 12:07:00]
Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?
Clark: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.More [07/20/2007 12:07:00]
Clark: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.
Audrey: We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?
Clark: No, I have one of those at home.More [07/20/2007 12:07:00]
Ellen: I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.More [07/20/2007 12:07:00]
[after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the "lighting ceremony" in front of the entire family]
Frances: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
Audrey: He worked really hard, Grandma.
Art: So do washing machines.More [07/20/2007 12:07:00]
Clark: I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.
Ellen: Are you okay?More [07/20/2007 12:07:00]

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