Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Work is the meat of life, pleasure the dessert.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Personal columnists are jackals and no jackal has been known to live on grass once he had learned about meat -- no matter who killed the meat for him.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Our civilization, bequeathed to us by fierce adventurers, eaters of meat and hunters, is so full of hurry and combat, so busy about many things which perhaps are of no importance, that it cannot but see something feeble in a civilization which smiles as it refuses to make the battlefield the test of excellence.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
I love those historians that are either very simple or most excellent. Such as are between both (which is the most common fashion), it is they that spoil all; they will needs chew our meat for us and take upon them a law to judge, and by consequence to square and incline the story according to their fantasy.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
One cannot but wonder at this constantly recurring phrase getting something for nothing, as if it were the peculiar and perverse ambition of disturbers of society. Except for our animal outfit, practically all we have is handed us gratis. Can the most complacent reactionary flatter himself that he invented the art of writing or the printing press, or discovered his religious, economic, and moral convictions, or any of the devices which supply him with meat and raiment or any of the sources of such pleasure as he may derive from literature or the fine arts? In short, civilization is little else than getting something for nothing.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
One of our defects as a nation is a tendency to use what have been called weasel words. When a weasel sucks eggs the meat is sucked out of the egg. If you use a weasel word after another there is nothing left of the other.More [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
Angel: My dogs like their meat medium rare. More [07/24/2005 12:07:00]
Dr. Evil: The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.More [08/06/2005 12:08:00]
Chazz Reinhold: Mom! The meat loaf! Fuck!More [08/29/2005 12:08:00]
Damian: [escorting Cady down the hall] Watch out please! New meat coming through!More [11/02/2005 12:11:00]
Molly the Maid: [in front of Jake, Abby's date for the evening.] Mrs. McClure! Now I need to put the meat on broil but your hair is on bake. Which should I do first?
Abby McClure: [humiliated.] I think the *hair*, Molly.
Molly the Maid: False hair, false eyelashes, false bosoms. In my day women were flesh and blood, now they're 70% nylon and 30% foam rubber.More [11/19/2005 12:11:00]
I try to control what I eat, but the truth is I can't. I tried to give up meat last week, but I only lasted three days.More [12/11/2005 12:12:00]
Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: OK, OK. Let's say that he did make a pass at you. The guy's been in prison for five years. He's desperate. He'd sleep with a meat grinder.More [02/06/2006 12:02:00]
Just shut up and entertain me, meat puppet.More [04/13/2006 12:04:00]
My mom still eats meat. I will encourage her when it's appropriate to not eat meat. In fact, when we sit down at a table to eat, I don't hesitate to tell her how gross eating meat seems just as often as she nags me about my driving when we are in a car together.More [04/17/2006 12:04:00]
I hate it... I feel that when I see myself and these other cute faces, I'm just part of this meat factory.More [05/24/2006 12:05:00]
On cable, you can take a little something and learn, there's a little more meat in it.More [05/24/2006 12:05:00]
Aragog: Go? I think not. My sons and daughters do not harm Hagrig on my command, but I cannot deny them fresh meat when it wanders so willingly into our midst! Good-bye, friend of Hagrid...More [02/21/2007 12:02:00]
Zeke: Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo. I can't wait to get my paws on that mammoth.
Soto: Nobody touches the mammoth until I get that baby.
Zeke: First I will slice its hindquarters in sections. I'll put the white meat on one pile, and the dark meat on another.
Saber-Toothed Tiger: Hey, knock it off. I'm starving.
Zeke: Next, the shoulders. Occasionally tough, but extremely juicy.
Saber-Toothed Tiger: I said knock it off.More [03/08/2007 12:03:00]
Molly Brown: You gonna cut her meat for her too Cal?More [03/20/2007 12:03:00]
Gimli: Soon Master Elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the dwarves. Roaring fires, malt beer, red meat off the bone.More [03/21/2007 12:03:00]
[after Connor has called Ramirez a "haggis"]
Ramirez: Haggis? What is haggis?
Connor MacLeod: Sheep's stomach, stuffed with meat and barley.
Ramirez: And what do you do with it?
Connor MacLeod: You eat it.
Ramirez: How revolting!More [03/23/2007 12:03:00]
Nick: What did Sue say?
Henry: She said that if I talk to Lucy you'll kill me with a meat cleaver.More [03/29/2007 12:03:00]
[Opens up Gavilan's burger bag only to find that his cheeseburger has lettuce and mayonnaise, and the meat wasn't done enough]
Joe Gavilan: Hey, you. Come here. I see mayonnaise. Did anybody in this hear me say the word "Mayonnaise"? Read your notes. What does it say? "Cheeseburger, well done. Raw onion, ketchup, pickle". You call that well done? In addition to the mayonnaise, I see lettuce... Lettuce that somebody tried to scrape off here. This is a disaster. What the hell do they teach you at the Academy anyway? You wanna be a detective when you grow up?
Cheeseburger Cop: Yes, sir.
Joe Gavilan: Don't call me "sir!" I work for a living. Dump this for me please. I expect better.More [04/05/2007 12:04:00]
Lady Sylvia McCordle: Mrs Wilson, a major crisis has arisen. I've just found out that Mr Weissman won't eat meat and I don't know what to do and I can't ask Mrs Croft. I simply don't dare.
Mrs. Wilson: Oh, everything's under control your ladyship. Mr Weissman's valet informed us as soon as he arrived so we've prepared a special version of the soup, he can eat the fish and the hors d'oeuvres, there'll be a welsh rarebit for the game course, I'm not sure what we're going to do about the entree but we'll think of something.
Lady Sylvia McCordle: Thank you Mrs Wilson. Ten steps ahead as always. Which one of you is Mr Weissman's valet?
Henry Denton: I am, your Ladyship.
Lady Sylvia McCordle: Are you indeed. Yes. Well. Thank you for your...
[pause while she takes a good look at him]
Lady Sylvia McCordle: efficiency.
George (First Footman): [to Denton] You're all set then.More [04/22/2007 12:04:00]
Raddimus: [after explaining the various positions of the game] You can't forget this, all right? You got to call them a fag, okay? The game loses all its meaning if you don't humilate them for being a fucking meat gazer, you got that?More [05/10/2007 12:05:00]
Lilian Kantrowitz: [after the Blouse Man tells her to get some meat tenderizer to treat Danny's wasp bites] Meat tenderizer? What is he - a pot roast?More [05/15/2007 12:05:00]
Lt. Fergus Falls: Shoot and gut every animal in the park. Their stomachs might contain something that could be a clue. Donate the meat to charity. The hides can be turned into warm socks for the poor. Grind up the bones for dog food. I want nothing wasted.More [05/20/2007 12:05:00]
Milo: That's Vuk, my cousin. He's pretty good with electricity. For that meat ball paradise of yours; he can link up stuff.
Bennie: I don't need your Fuck.More [05/29/2007 12:05:00]
Danny Dalton: Some trust fund prosecutor, got off-message at Yale, thinks he's gonna run this up the flagpole, make a name for himself, maybe get elected some two-bit, congressman from nowhere, with the result that Russia or China can suddenly start having, at our expense, all the advantages we enjoy here. No, I tell you. No, sir. Corruption charges! Corruption? Corruption is government intrusion into market efficiencies in the form of regulations. That's Milton Friedman. He got a goddamn Nobel Prize. We have laws against it precisely so we can get away with it. Corruption is our protection. Corruption keeps us safe and warm. Corruption is why you and I are prancing around in here instead of fighting over scraps of meat out in the streets. Corruption is why we win.More [06/09/2007 12:06:00]
Buck: Well, well, well, they certainly are scraping the bottom of the barrel for cheerleaders these days.
Tia: What are you doing here?
Buck: We were just driving by to get some ice cream. Thought you might like to join us.
Tia: I said I would be home at 10. It's not even 9!
Buck: Who said anything about that? I thought you might like to join us for some ice cream. Maybe your Bug here can join us. We can talk about burying the hatchet. You know what a hatchet is, don't you, Bug?
Bug: It's an ax?
Buck: Sort of, yeah, yeah. I got one in my car if you'd like to see it.
Bug: I'll pass.
Buck: Fair enough. I like to carry it, you never know when your going to need it. A situation may come up say for example, someone has been drinking, and about to drive a loved one home, then I'd like to know I have it. Not to kill, no. Just to maim. Take a little off the shoulder. Swish! The elbow. Slash! Shave a little meat off the old kneecap. Fowap! Ooooo! You got both kneecaps? I like to keep mine razor sharp. Sharp enough you can shave with it. Why I've been known to circumcise a gnat. You're not a gnat are you Bug? Wait a minute, bug, gnat. Is there a little similarity? Whoa, I think there is! Ha ha ha. You understand what I'm talking about? I don't think you do. I'll be right back. Heh heh heh heh.
Tia: I'm sorry.
Bug: Look, I think you'd better split. I don't exactly want him to go berserk with an ax on me.
Tia: He's all talk.
[Buck pulls out a small hatchet from his car]
Buck: Here it is! Come over, come on, I want to show it to you. Maybe later. Okay.More [06/14/2007 12:06:00]
Kevin Calhoun: You keep looking at that thing as if it weren't kosher.
Abe Goodman: A cut of meat is kosher. A piece of fish, savory foods, and all kinds of dang things are kosher, but a probation report is not kosher. A probation report is merely a probation report.
Kevin Calhoun: I am a good Louisiana lapsed Catholic, Abe, so just don't talk to me about kosher, just give it to me straight. What's wrong with this report?
Abe Goodman: It's too kosher.
Kevin Calhoun: Translate that for me.
Abe Goodman: Uhhhhh, the virgin looks pregnant to me. - Look, see, the supervisor signed this.
Kevin Calhoun: So what?
Abe Goodman: That's a lot of weight for a 4C. So what happened to the original little probation officer? Where is his signature?More [07/22/2007 12:07:00]
[Steel is taunting the zombies in the corral]
Pvt. Rickles: [laughing] That's it, Steel! Whip it out!
Pvt. Steel: Fuckin' A! Biggest piece of meat in the cave! I don't wanna frighten the lady, though, not with her boyfriend around.
Sarah: You're incapable of exciting me, Steel, except as an anthropologic curiosity.
Pvt. Steel: Oh, what the hell does that mean, Rickles?
Pvt. Rickles: It means you're a caveman, asshole! You're a fuckin' throwback! You've been spendin' too much time underground! It's okay, Steel - throwbacks all got big dicks!
[Steel and Rickles laugh]More [08/20/2007 12:08:00]
Eva: Just drive your meat wagon.More [08/23/2007 12:08:00]
Lenina Huxley: [Spartan encounters a burger grill in the underground world] Just don't ask them where the meat comes from.
John Spartan: Huxley, what's that supposed to mean?
Lenina Huxley: Do you see any cows around here, detective?
John Spartan: Que es este carne?
[What is this meat?]
Hamburger Stand Scrap: Este carne es de rata.
[This meat is from rats]
John Spartan: Rat? This is a rat burger?
John Spartan: Not bad! Matter of fact this is the best burger I've had in years!
Hamburger Stand Scrap: Gracias, Senor.
John Spartan: Prego. See ya later.More [08/26/2007 12:08:00]
Bartleby: You know, maybe you're wrong about this slaughter thing. How can you even be sure what incurs the Lord's wrath these days? Times change. I remember when eating meat on a Friday was supposed to be a Hell-worthy trespass.
Loki: The major sins never change. Besides, you know, I can spot a commandment-breaker from, like, a mile away. So, bet on it.
Bartleby: This from the guy who still owes me 10 bucks over that bet about what was gonna be the bigger movie - "E. T. " or "Krush Groove"?
Loki: You know, fuck you, man, 'cause time's gonna tell on that one.
Loki: What, are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore?
Bartleby: Insinuating, no. Flat-out telling you.More [09/20/2007 12:09:00]
Suzanne: [at the dinner table, Edward hands her some meat with his scissors] I can't eat that, he used his hands. I think it's unsanitary.More [10/06/2007 12:10:00]
[Yzma and Kuzco never see each other. When one exits, the other enters]
Yzma: Make me the special. And hold the gravy!
Kronk: Check. Pickup!
Kuzco: You know what? On second thought, make my omelette a meat pie.
Kronk: Meat pie. Check.
Yzma: Kronk! Can I order the potatoes as a side dish?
Kronk: I'll have to charge you full price.
Yzma: [annoyed] Ooh.
Kuzco: Hey, how about a side of potatoes, my buddy?
Kronk: You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?
Yzma: Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine.
Kronk: Cheddar spuds coming up.
Kuzco: Spuds yes, cheese no.
Kronk: Hold the cheese.
Yzma: No, I want the cheese.
Kronk: Cheese it is.
Kuzco: Cheese me no "likee."
Kronk: Cheese out.
Yzma: Cheese in!
Kronk: Ah, come on. Make up your mind!
Kuzco: Okay, okay, on second thought...
Yzma, Kuzco: ...make my potatoes a salad.More [10/10/2007 12:10:00]
I didn't work on the killing floor. I worked in the section where you break the meat down and package it.More [11/02/2007 12:11:00]
Police: Are you classified as human?
Korben Dallas: Negative, I am a meat popsicle.More [11/07/2007 12:11:00]
Customer: [to Ed] Excuse me? Look, I ordered one Good Burger with nothing on it.
Ed: That's what I gave you.
Customer: No! You gave me a bun. Just a bun! Look! There's no meat in here.
Ed: But you said you wanted nothing on it.
Customer: Yes, but I expected a meat patty!
Ed: Dude, a meat patty is something. You said "nothing".
Ed: Fizz, is a meat patty something or nothing?
Fizz: Uh, something?
Ed: I win!
Customer: That's it! I am reporting your name to the manager!
Ed: The manager already knows my name.
Customer: [while throwing the bun down] And I'll see you in Hell!
Ed: OK! See you there!More [12/30/2007 12:12:00]
[Ed dumped Trilampathol into the meat supply, causing Mondo Burger to be destroyed]
Ed: I thought that if I took the can, there was a good chance that I'd get caught, but even if I did get the Trilampathol to the proper authorities, Kurt would hire some powerful attornies who would dispute any charges brought against him or Mondo Burger by manipulating the legal system and the way America's court system is congested these days, it would take months to convict him or anything so I thought I'd take matters into my own hands and dump the Trilampathol into the meal supply, making Mondo Burger a victim of its own foul play.
Dexter: You thought all that?
Ed: Yeah. I'm not stupid.More [12/30/2007 12:12:00]
Connie Muldoon: [as she gives her long order, her speed of talking increases] Hello. My name is Connie Muldoon. I'm hosting a family reunion and my oven has run amuck; I think it's the heat actuator. Anyhoo, I'd like to order, uh, three Good Meals, four Junior Good Meals, and 17-piece order of your Good Chunks and, okay, on two of the Junior Good Meals, I need to substitute the Good Cookies for Good Pies. Now, don't fret if that's extra; I'll pony up the overage. And, uh, oh! On the regular Good Meals, I need two of the Good Burgers to have ketchup, mayo, mustard, lettuce, tomato, but no onion; I've got an interview this afternoon. Let's see, that takes care of everyone but Uncle Leslie who doesn't eat meat but, of course, he does eat dairy, so I don't get it. Let's get Leslie a Good Chickwich, some Good Fries, and a Good Root Beer all to go. But I would like to have my beverage while I wait. Now, total me up.More [12/30/2007 12:12:00]
Henry Hill: [narrating] When they found Carbone in the meat truck, he was frozen so stiff it took them three days to thaw him out for the autopsy.More [01/03/2008 12:01:00]
Whale protestor: [throws a large piece of meat on Jack's desk] Do you know what this is, Mr. Issel?
Jack Issel: No. Is this a trick question?More [02/17/2008 12:02:00]
[after escaping Ida's oven]
Angie: Your mother is a goddamn crazy bitch, Michael!
[Ida throws a meat cleaver from O.S. that hits between Angie's legs]
Angie: Mother of God-!
[looks down his pants]
Angie: Thank God she needs glasses!More [03/03/2008 12:03:00]
Admiral Benson: Pete 'Dead Meat' Thompson is dead. So is Mo Green, Tataglia, Barzini, the heads of all the five families. It is at moments like these, my dear friends, that we must ask ourselves: "How can this not be part of some larger plan?" Do good men like Dead Meat Thompson just blink out one day like a bad bulb? I mean, one minute you're in bed with a knockout gal... or guy, and the next, you're a compost heap. Doesn't that bother any of you? Because it scares the living piss outta me!More [03/30/2008 12:03:00]
Dube: [Dube, after running through the hotel lobby with a leaking cooler of lobster, quickly empties the cooler in a sink. Water, ice, and lobsters come gushing out into the sink and onto the surrounding counter. Some of the water, ice and one of the lobsters fall on the floor] Oh, Shit! Oh, sorry, sir.
Head Chef: Ten Alive, twelve are dead.
Paul Rusesabagina: All Right... But save the shells. Fill them with... a stuffing. The good meat and something local.
Head Chef: Cassava?
Paul Rusesabagina: And... the fish?
Head Chef: And tipali?
Paul Rusesabagina: - Yes, We'll call it "Fresh Lobster in a Cassava and Tipali Crust." Dube?
Dube: Style, sir?
Paul Rusesabagina: Yes, sir.More [03/30/2008 12:03:00]
Beth: I can't believe I ate meat for him. I mean, it was fish, but still. I don't eat anything with a face.More [05/13/2008 12:05:00]
Roman Moroni: You fargin sneaky bastage. I'm gonna take your dwork. I'm gonna nail it to the wall. I'm gonna crush your boils in a meat grinder. I'm gonna cut off your arms. I'm gonna shove 'em up your icehole. Dirty son-a-ma-batches. My own club!More [05/13/2008 12:05:00]
Umberto: [making the two boys recite] Prima la carne, prima la carne.
Gian Piero: Prima la carne.
Massimo: Prima la carne.
Phil Weston: What?
Umberto: Meat first, THEN soccer!
Phil Weston: Right, meat comes first!More [05/25/2008 12:05:00]
Harold: Don't you ever tell me what I can or can't do! Bent law can be tolerated for as long as they're lubricating, but you have become definitely parched. If I was you, I'd run for cover and close the hatch, 'cause you're gonna wind up on one of those meat hooks, my son.More [08/08/2008 12:08:00]
[Harold's lads have rounded up all the local villains who are now hanging upside down from meat hooks in the abattoir]
Harold: For more than ten years there's been peace - everyone to his own patch. We've all had it sweet. I've done every single one of you favours in the past - I've put money in all your pockets. I've treated you well, even when you was out of order, right? Well now there's been an eruption. It's like fuckin' Belfast on a bad night. One of my closest friends is lyin' out there in the freezer. And believe me, all of you, nobody goes home until I find out who done it, and why.More [08/08/2008 12:08:00]
Ben: The world belongs to the meat eaters, Miss Clara, and if you have to take it raw, take it raw.More [08/10/2008 12:08:00]
It's like a prehistoric reflex, you know, going out and getting the meat and bringing it back to the cave. You feel you're supposed to make it better, but more than likely she's asking you to tell her how you feel.More [10/08/2008 12:10:00]
Here's a check for the butcher. Tell him he's been cutting the meat so thin lately it only has one side.
Effie Schneider, the Housekeeper:
Yes sir, shall I tell him which side?
More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Stan and Ollie have been invited to dinner]
Alva P. Hartley:
We'll start with the turkey.
[he uncovers a tray holding a number of pills]
Alva P. Hartley:
Will you have light meat or dark?
[Alva plunks some pills on the boys' plates]
Could I have another joint?
More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Men of the Nation. There's a black cloud coming from the east to cover us all. We, the Cheyenne, have called our brothers of the Sioux so we can hear the words about this thing. Yesterday, the buffalo was many as the blades of grass upon the prairie. Today, the buffalo is few as the leaves on an oak tree in winter. The white man has done this thing so the red man will starve. When the buffalo is done, we starve. We'll have no meat to eat, no hide to make tepees, no robes to make beds. Brothers, it's not good for man to hear his woman and children crying. It's a bad thing for a man to starve. There are better ways to die.
More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
We'll fix him fine. It'll serve him right for poisoning cats... He buys meat and then he buys poison and then he puts them all together.
And then he burns the cats at midnight in his furnace. You could smell the smoke...
...and Mr. Braukoff was beating his wife with a red hot poker... and Mr. Braukoff has empty whiskey bottles in his cellar.
More [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
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