Lord Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall / Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
Magic Mirror: Well, technically, you're not a king.
Lord Farquaad: Thelonius?
[Thelonius the Executioner smashes a small looking glass]
Magic Mirror: [nervous] Er, I mean you're not a king YET... (Chong Tommy)
Lord Farquaad: Tell me where are the others.
Gingerbread Man: Eat me. (Chong Tommy)
Lord Farquaad: Run, run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man.
Gingerbread Man: You're a monster. (Chong Tommy)
Little Pig: He hooffed unt he poooffed unt he... signed an eviction notice. (Chong Tommy)
Shrek: Oh, no no no no. Dead broad OFF the table... (Chong Tommy)
Donkey: This'll be fun. We'll stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning... I'm making waffles. (Chong Tommy)
Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?
Shrek: Of course.
Donkey: Really?
Shrek: NO.
Donkey: Please. I don't wanna go back there. You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak... Well, maybe you do, but that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! (Chong Tommy)
Donkey: You, uh... you don't entertain much, do you?
Shrek: I like my privacy.
Donkey: Y'know, me too. That's another thing we have in common. I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give someone a hint and they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence...
[big awkward silence ensues]
Donkey: ... Can I stay with you? (Chong Tommy)
Shrek: Oh no no no, dead broad OFF THE TABLE!
Dwarf: Well where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.
Shrek: What?
Big Bad Wolf: [dressed as Grandmother in bed] What? (Chong Tommy)
Donkey: Whoa. Look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?
Shrek: That would be my home.
Donkey: Oh and it is LOVELY. You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder. (Chong Tommy)
Shrek: Well it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
The Donkey: Wow, only a true friend would be that truely honest. (Chong Tommy)
Donkey: And then one time I ate some rotten berries. Man there were some strong gases eeking outta my butt that day. (Chong Tommy)
Donkey: Wow, that was really scary and if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath will certainly get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something 'cause your breath STINKS. (Chong Tommy)
Donkey: You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha. (Chong Tommy)
Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.
[nose grows]
Captain of Guards: Five schillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. (Chong Tommy)
Shrek: This is the part where you run away. (Chong Tommy)
Prince Charming: Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land everyone was happy, until the sun went down, and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother, who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the dragon's keep, for he was the bravest, and most handsome in all the land, and it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her- gasp!
Wolf: What?
Prince Charming: Princess... Fiona?
Wolf: NO!
Prince Charming: Oh, thank heavens! Where is she?
Wolf: She's on her honeymoon.
Prince Charming: Honeymoon? With whom? (Chong Tommy)
Shrek: The kingdom of FAR FAR Away, Donkey? That's where we're going! FAR! FAR!... away. (Chong Tommy)
Puss-in-Boots: I hate Mondays. (Chong Tommy)
[to Donkey, when Shrek, Donkey, and Puss are at a bar]
The Ugly Stepsister: Why the long face? (Chong Tommy)
Donkey: Oh, Shrek. Don't worry. Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you. (Chong Tommy)
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