Ace Ventura: I have a package for you, sir.
Man: Sounds broken.
Ace Ventura: Most likely; I bet it was something nice, though. (Curtis Ken)
Ace Ventura: Yo, Ron. Where's the bathroom?
Ronald Camp: Right over there.
Ace Ventura: [groaning] I think it's the pate. Stuff probably looks better on the way out. (Curtis Ken)
Ronald Camp: I'll have the plumbing checked immediately, Mr. Ace.
Ace Ventura: See that you do. If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed. (Curtis Ken)
Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how ya gonna solve that one?
Ace Ventura: Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's DICK and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 40 pounds... PORKIN' his wife. (Curtis Ken)
Ace Ventura: Warning. Assholes are closer than they appear. (Curtis Ken)
[Ace Ventura just got his car started]
Ace Ventura: It's ALIVE. IT'S ALIVE. (Curtis Ken)
Ace Ventura: I just visited Ray Finkle's place.
Lois Einhorn: And?
Ace Ventura: Cozy, if you're Hannibal Lecter. (Curtis Ken)
Melissa: You know, you're just mad because your stupid little pebble theory didn't work out and you don't know how to express your anger.
Ace Ventura: Oh yeah? And you're ugly. (Curtis Ken)
Lois Einhorn: Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace Ventura: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then. (Curtis Ken)
Melissa: You really love animals, don't you?
Ace Ventura: If it gets cold enough. (Curtis Ken)
Ace Ventura: I'm looking for Ray Finkle.
[a shotgun cocks and is pointed at his head]
Ace Ventura: ...and a clean pair of shorts. (Curtis Ken)
Mr. Finkle: What do you know about Ray Finkle?
[Ace sucks in a huge breath of air]
Ace Ventura: Soccer style kicker graduated from Cauler high June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA division 1 records one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule," The first and only pro athlete to come out of Cauler County and one hell of a model American.
Mr. Finkle: Are you another one of those "Hard Copy" guys?
Ace Ventura: No Sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan, This is my Graceland. (Curtis Ken)
Lois Einhorn: Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone.
Ace Ventura: Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have. (Curtis Ken)
Woodstock: What's the password?
Ace Ventura: New England clam chowder.
Woodstock: Is that the red or the white?
Ace Ventura: Ah, I can never remember that. White.
[Door opens]
Ace Ventura: Yes. (Curtis Ken)
Mr. Shickadance: Ventuuurrraaa.
Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.
Mr. Shickadance: Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura...
[coughs in Ace's face]
Mr. Shickadance: ... you owe me rent.
Ace Ventura: Mr. Shickadance, I told you - you're my first priority. I'm on a very big case right now. Check this out.
[shows him a flyer]
Ace Ventura: That's a true Albino pigeon. Some rich guy lost it. He's offering a $25,000 reward. As soon as I find this bird, you're paid.
Mr. Shickadance: I heard animals in there, Ventura. I heard 'em again this mornin' scratchin' around.
Ace Ventura: I never bring my work home with me, sir.
Mr. Shickadance: Oh yeah? What's all this pet food for?
Ace Ventura: Fiber. (Curtis Ken)
Melissa: Ace, Where are you?
Ace Ventura: I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's the Mayor. (Curtis Ken)
Ace Ventura: [begging] Please don't kill me. I'll never tell anyone. Kill him, he's the one you want.
Dan Marino: No, no kill him.
Ace Ventura: No kill him. He held the ball wrong, remember? Come on, look at the guy.
[Lt. Einhorne shoots into the air]
Dan Marino: Whimp.
Ace Ventura: Jock.
Dan Marino: Cry-baby.
Ace Ventura: Muscle-head.
Lois Einhorn: SHUT UP. (Curtis Ken)
Ace Ventura: [as Captain Kirk] Captain's Log, stardate 29.6, rounded off to the... nearest decimal point. We've... traveled back in time to save an ancient species from... total annihilation. SO FAR... no... signs of aquatic life anywhere, but I'm going to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I've... GOT TO, MISTER. (Curtis Ken)
Ace Ventura: [with a German accent] How can I be getting zis vork done mit all de shouting? What's wrong mit de shouting?
Reporter: Who's That?
Ace Ventura: Heinz Getwellvet. I am trainer of dolphins. You want to talk to de dolphin, you talk to me.
Reporter: What happened to the other trainer?
Ace Ventura: Vat happened to him? Vat happened to me? Seven years I am mit Siegfried.
[he holds up only four fingers]
Ace Ventura: Ve are making de dolphins disappear, und den Roy is coming mit de vite tiger und ze shtuffing in de pants und den I'm gone.
Reporter: [skeptically] Where is Snowflake?
Ace Ventura: Why do you care about de dolphin? Do you know him? Does he call you at home?
[shouts]
Ace Ventura: Do you have a dorsal fin? To train ze dolphin you must zink like ze dolphin! You must be getting inside ze dolphin's head und communicating. I am saying to Snowflake, "Kay kay kay kay?" und he is saying "Kay kay" und he is up on ze tail "Eeeeeeeeee!" und you can quote him!
Roger Podacter: Let's got to that conference and let, uh, Heinz do his work?
Ace Ventura: [shooing reporters] Go to de conference, go to it. (Curtis Ken)
Ace Ventura: This is double-paned sound-proof glass. There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut. The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes. Yes. Oh, yeah. Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh? Huh? Huh?
[mimics southern evangelist minister]
Ace Ventura: I have exorcised the demons... this house is clear. (Curtis Ken)
Ace Ventura: Excuse me sir, but do you have a mint? Perhaps some Banaca? (Curtis Ken)
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