George Carlin

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George Carlin

George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-More George Carlin [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:33]
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:40]
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:47]
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:08]
Electricity is really just organized lightning.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:15]
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:23]
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:29]
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:36]
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:43]
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:52]
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:59]
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:07]
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:14]
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:21]
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:35]
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:41]
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:54]
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:01]
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:08]
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:16]
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:00]
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:29]
Religion is just mind control.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:36]
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:14]
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:21]
The status quo sucks.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:33]
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:40]
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:47]
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:54]
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:14]
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:33]
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:41]
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:49]
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.More George Carlin [07/10/2011 03:07:57]
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.More George Carlin [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.More George Carlin [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.More George Carlin [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.More George Carlin [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.More George Carlin [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?More George Carlin [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniacMore George Carlin [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up withMore George Carlin [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it isMore George Carlin [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to form my own opionions.More George Carlin [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty thingsMore George Carlin [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purposeMore George Carlin [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horseMore George Carlin [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.More George Carlin [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!More George Carlin [03/29/2018 05:03:36]

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