Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990]

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Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990]

Cosmo Kramer:
The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.



Jerry:
Wow.



George Costanza:
You're Batman.



Cosmo Kramer:
Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.



Jerry:
You kept making all the stops?



Cosmo Kramer:
Well, people kept ringing the bell!

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
George Costanza:
Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
George Costanza:
I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up".



Elaine:
Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?



George Costanza:
If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[Answering the phone]



Jerry:
If you know what happened in the Mets game don't tell me, I taped it. Hello?

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Mr. Lippman:
It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?



George Costanza:
Who said that?



Mr. Lippman:
She did.



George Costanza:
[pause] Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorence on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.



Mr. Lippman:
You're fired!



George Costanza:
Well, you didn't have to say it like that.

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Gina:
[Gina's boyfriend Martin is in a coma] Kiss me right in front of him.



Jerry:
I can't. What if he wakes up.



Gina:
A man is lying here unconscious and you're afraid of him. What kind of a man are you?



Jerry:
I'm a man who respects a good coma.

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Cosmo Kramer:
So what's going on between you and Gina?



Jerry:
Well, I went with her to the hospital last night. So we're in the room, and she's trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him.



Cosmo Kramer:
See, that's the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what'd you do?



Jerry:
Nothing.



Cosmo Kramer:
What kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
George Costanza:
[George rushes into Jerry's apartment] Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?



Jerry:
No, what happened to you?



George Costanza:
All right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries".



Jerry:
I'm Vandelay Industries?



George Costanza:
Right.



Jerry:
What is that?



George Costanza:
You're in latex.



Jerry:
What do I do with latex?



George Costanza:
I don't know, you manufacture it.



Elaine:
Right here in this little apartment?



Jerry:
And what do I say about you?



George Costanza:
You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.



Jerry:
I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman? I don't think so. Why would I do that?



George Costanza:
Because I asked you to.



Jerry:
If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Cosmo Kramer:
[phone rings, Kramer picks up the phone] Hello... What Delay Industries?



George Costanza:
[yelling from the bathroom] Vandelay! Say Vandelay!



Cosmo Kramer:
No, you're way, way, way off. Well yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment.



George Costanza:
[rushes out of the toilet with his pants on his knees] Vandelay! Say Vandelay Industries!


[falls down]



Cosmo Kramer:
Yeah, no problem.


[hangs up phone]



Cosmo Kramer:
How did you know who that was?



Jerry:
[enters apartment, sees George lying on the floor with his pants on his ankles] And you wanna be my latex salesman?

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
George Costanza:
It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong.

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Cushman:
Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experience?



George Costanza:
Alrighty. My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.



Cushman:
Go on.



George Costanza:
All right. Before that, I was in real estate. I quit because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it.



Cushman:
Do you talk to everybody like this?



George Costanza:
Of course.



Cushman:
My niece told me you were different.



George Costanza:
I am different, yeah.

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Cushman:
I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants.



George Steinbrenner:
Nice to meet you.



George Costanza:
Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.



George Steinbrenner:
Hire this man!

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Gary Fogel:
Good for you, Jack!

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Elaine:
Ugh, I hate people.



Jerry:
Yeah, they're the worst.

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Frank Costanza:
I have been performing feats of strength all morning.

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
George Costanza:
I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Russell Dalrymple:
So, what have you guys come up with?



Jerry:
Well, we thought about this in a variety of ways, but the basic idea is I would play myself...



George Costanza:
May I...?



Jerry:
Go ahead.



George Costanza:
I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing.



Russell Dalrymple:
Nothing?



George Costanza:
Nothing!



Russell Dalrymple:
What does that mean?



George Costanza:
The show is about nothing!

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
George Costanza:
[Kramer has just vomited on Susan] I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. I should have seen it coming, I didn't see it coming.



Jerry:
I think she saw it coming.

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Cosmo Kramer:
You're wasting your life.



George Costanza:
I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life.



Cosmo Kramer:
OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?



George Costanza:
No.



Cosmo Kramer:
You got money?



George Costanza:
No.



Cosmo Kramer:
Do you have a woman?



George Costanza:
No.



Cosmo Kramer:
Do you have any prospects?



George Costanza:
No.



Cosmo Kramer:
You got anything on the horizon?



George Costanza:
Uh, no.



Cosmo Kramer:
Do you have any action at all?



George Costanza:
No.



Cosmo Kramer:
Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?



George Costanza:
I like to get the Daily News.

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
George Costanza:
Let me ask you something... What do you do for a living, Newman?



Newman:
I'm a United States postal worker.



George Costanza:
Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?



Newman:
Sometimes.



Jerry:
Why is that?



Newman:
Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, but the more you get out, the more it keeps coming. And then the bar code reader breaks. And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse day.



Jerry:
All right, all right.

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Jerry:
Oh, by the way, Newman, I'm just curious, when you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium new year?



Newman:
As a matter of fact, I did.



Jerry:
Oh, well, that's interesting, because, since everyone knows that there's no year zero, the millennium doesn't really begin until 2001, which would make your party one year late, and thus, quite lame.

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
[repeated lines]



Newman:
Hello, Jerry.



Jerry:
Hello, Newman.

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
George Costanza:
Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Cosmo Kramer:
Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious.



Jerry:
That's true.



Cosmo Kramer:
It's very refreshing.

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]
Cosmo Kramer:
Yo Yo Ma.

More Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] Movie: "Seinfeld" [1990] [06/16/2016 01:06:42]

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