Daniel Tosh

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Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:50]
Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:56]
Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a 2nd chance. If i can be perfect why can't you?More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:00]
Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet.More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:05]
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day i'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:09]
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:15]
Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code...he turned himself in.More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:19]
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:32]
Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:38]
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:43]
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:48]
No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:39]
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:46]
In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television shows.More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:55]
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:07]
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. 25 up, 11 down
More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:13]
When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken.More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:20]
Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:31]
If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum.More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:50]
Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:57]
There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:00]
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:05]
Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:09]
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, Well that taught me a lesson.More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:14]
If no meant no then every man would die a virgin. More Daniel Tosh [07/08/2012 08:07:20]

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