Chuck Norris Facts: 3 Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.More Other / Misc Stephen King [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Why was the ground all white after Custer's Last Stand? Because the Indians kept coming and coming and coming...
**Courtesy of Stephen King's "The Stand" More Stephen King [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
What's Black and sits at the top of the steps? Stephen Hawking after a house fireMore Stephen King [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Hail Mungus Leonardo da vinci, Stephen Hawking and Hugh Mungus, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
Da Vinci then stepped up, "Okay, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings."
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. Da Vinci read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, he disappeared.
Hawking then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!"
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. He read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the scientist disappeared too.
Hugh Mungus then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. He then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said Hugh, "It's from my asshole." And he went to heaven.More Stephen King [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawking after a house fire.More Stephen King [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Anti-Jokes Whats green and smells like red paint? Green paint.
Whats worse than biting in to an apple and finding a worm? Getting raped by a giant scorpion.
A horse walks in to a bar. Several people get up and leave as they spot the potential danger in the situation.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Why did the sheep fall off the cliff? Because it was blind.
How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for christmas? An untreatable heart condition.
How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? Get in the Batmobile.
A man walks in to a bar. He is an alcoholic who is ruining his relationship with his family, his finances, and his career.
How many Jews does it take two change a lightbulb? Only one depending on height. Two if they're short; one to hold the ladder and one to screw in the lightbulb.
Why did the black man buy three boxes of condoms? Because he practices safe sex and they were on sale.
Why do black people eat fried chicken? Because it tastes good.
What did Stephen Hawking say to a prostitute? Nothing. Stephen Hawking cannot speak due to his ALS. Instead he uses software and speakers connected to a sensor activated by a muscle in his cheek.
A duck walks in to a bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The duck doesn't respond because ducks cannot speak and the bartender is a moron for thinking the duck has something to say.
If you want to burn a lot of calories you should find a fat kid and set him on fire.
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Why did the chicken cross the road? We don't know.
What's funnier than a pile of dead babies? Just about anything is funnier than a pile of dead babies.
Why are black people so good at basketball? Dedication and hard work.
Stephen Hawking walks in to a bar.
What do you call a man that has no arms an no legs? Whatever he says his name is.
Haikus are easy.
But some times they don't make sense.
Why did the girl fall off the swing? Someone threw a tire at her.
How do you stop a black man from drowning? Throw him a floatation device.
Why did the black man buy a watermelon? Because he likes watermelon.
Why did the white man buy a watermelon? Because he likes watermelon.
How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen? Five.
A daring man proclaimed, "Well, here goes nothing." Then nothing proceeded to happen.
Thank you Reddit for supplying me with many of these jokes and inspiring many more! I didn't come up with most of these, but applied my own creativity to some.
More Stephen King [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Durex's "Eggplant Flavoured" condom won't be the first time a woman's being pleasured by a vegetable. Just ask Mrs. Stephen Hawking.More Stephen King [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
A man has been unemployed for a long time... finally, with the release of Stephen King's remade 'It', he gets a job posting huge billboards around the city. After some weeks however the movie was slumping, so in a desperate effort for publicity, the advertisers sent the man back out with crimson paint and a paint brush and told to give all the clowns a 'bleeding face' effect.
Mid-job, covered in paint, and late into the evening, the police spot him and surround him with guns drawn.
"No, No" he screams, "you don't understand! I'm a red It poster!"More Stephen King [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
"You spend far too much time on that fucking computer." Possibly a bit harsh, but as one of Stephen Hawking's closest friends, I felt someone had to tell him.More Stephen King [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are working on a sky scraper The Englishman opens his sandwich box and exclaims "Bloody hell, ham and cheese again! I swear, if I have ham and cheese again tomorrow, i'm going to throw myself off this building!" The Scotsman then proceeds to open his sandwich box and exclaims "Aye, I've got fucking chicken mayo again, if I have this tomorrow i'll throw myself off this building as well!" The Irishman opens his lunch and says "I've got bacon again! If I have bacon again tomorrow, i'll join you in jumping off this building!"
So the next day the three men open their sandwich boxes and all have the same filling as the day before, so they all proceed to jump off of the sky scraper. A few days later at the funerals of the three men, their wives stood weeping. "If I would have known Pete didn't want ham and cheese then I would have mixed it up!" Said the English mans wife. The Scotsman's wife nodded "Yes, If i knew Stephen didn't want chicken mayo then I would have made something different." The Irishman's wife was crying harder than all and simply said "I just don't understand... Paddy made his own fucking sandwiches"More Stephen King [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
The market is the economic embodiment of the phenomenon of alienation. [12/31/2019 02:12:19] More
Mutual love is to give warmth and get it in an even greater volume, and unrequited is to dedicate yourself completely to sufferings. [01/08/2020 12:01:12] More
Get used to doing without a reason to annoy others. (Anatoly Yurkin) [01/13/2020 01:01:23] More
If you meet a mangy dog in the mountains, don't waste your gunpowder, don't take your grandfather's gun off your shoulder, and kick a piece of rotting meat into the abyss. (Anatoly Yurkin) [12/26/2019 12:12:31] More
Agents of network integration are intensifying electronic competition in the interests of digital capital and artificial intelligence. (Anatoly Yurkin) [01/11/2020 02:01:12] More