Joseph Stalin

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Joseph Stalin

Joseph Stalin

the leader of the Soviet Union from the mid-1920s until his death in 1953
Beauty is MORE Than Skin-Deep When Jacob was finally given an exit visa by the Russians and allowed to immigrate to Israel, he was told he could only take what he could put into one suitcase. At Moscow airport, he was stopped by customs and an official shouted, "Open your case at once."

Jacob did what he was told. The official searched through his case and pulled out something wrapped in newspaper. He unwrapped it and saw it was a bust of Stalin.

"What is that?" he shouted at Jacob. Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to remind me of the wonderful things he did for me and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind."

The official sneered. "I always knew you Jews were mad. Go, and take the bust with you." When Jacob arrived at Ben Gurion airport, a customs officer said, "Shalom, welcome to Israel, open your case, please!" Jacob's case was once again searched and not surprisingly the bust was found. "What is that?" asked the officer.

Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is Stalin, the bastard. I want to spit on it every day to remind me of all the suffering and misery he caused me."

The official laughed, "I always knew you Russians were mad. Go, and take the bust with you." When Jacob arrived at his new home, his young nephew watched him as he unpacked. Jacob carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the table. "Who is that?" asked his nephew.

Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?' - you should ask 'What is that?' That is five kilos of gold."More Other / Misc Joseph Stalin [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
St. Petersburg. An old Jewish man is picked up by the Stalinist police and brought in for questioning:

Where were you born?!

St. Petersburg.

Where do you live?!

Leningrad.

(menacingly) Where would you like to die?!

St. Petersburg.More Religious Joseph Stalin [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage.

Unexpectedly, the train stops. Lenin suggests: "Perhaps we should call a subbotnik, so that workers and peasants fix the problem."

Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, "If the train does not start moving, the driver will be executed!"

But the train doesn't start moving.

Khrushchev then shouts, "Let's take the rails behind the train and use them to construct the tracks in the front."

But it still doesn't move. Brezhnev then says, "Comrades, comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving!"More News / Politics Joseph Stalin [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Comrade Stalin "Comrade Stalin! This man is your exact double!" / "Shoot him!" / "Maybe we should shave off his moustache?" / "Good idea! Shave it off and then shoot him!". (In another version, Stalin replies shortly Ili tak [lit. or so], meaning "this way is ok too", which has become somewhat proverbial).More News / Politics Joseph Stalin [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Party Congress Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.) Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"More News / Politics Joseph Stalin [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
In Soviet Russia, a Judge bursts into his chambers laughing *"I've just heard the funniest joke about Stalin... ever!"*

*"Well, go ahead and tell us."*, the other Judges ask.

*"I can't. I just gave someone a life sentence for it."*More Joseph Stalin [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Why do fascists hate snowflakes? Because of Stalingrad flashbacksMore Joseph Stalin [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Soviet joke Three men have to share a hotel room in Chelyabinsk during a congress. Naturally, in the evening, they start drinking. One thing leads to another, and they find themselves telling political jokes. Concerns that any of the others may be KGB informants or that the room may be bugged are readily dissolved in alcohol. Everybody is having a great time.

One is tired and really feels like sleeping; he decides to pull a joke on the others. He excuses himself, runs to the lobby and gives the receptionist a few bills. “Please send someone to my room with a bottle of vodka, some rye bread and salt in ten minutes.” He then returns to the room.

After a few minutes, he notes to the others that stocks of refreshments are running low. “Not to worry, comrades! I have good contacts.”

He leans over towards the potted plant in the corner, grabs it and loudly says, as if speaking into a microphone:

“Comrades at the listening post, this is lieutenant Dyatlov! We urgently require a bottle of vodka, some rye bread and salt to our room! Make haste!”

The others laugh their asses off – until a minute later, there’s a knock on the door and vodka, salt and rye bread is served.

You could hear a pin drop. Our man goes to sleep, enjoying the quiet.

When he wakes up in the morning, the others are gone. A note is left on the table. “Comrade! A couple of your jokes yesterday would easily get you to Siberia! (The one about Stalin’s maid, while hysterical, could get you in front of a firing squad!!!) However, we liked that room service joke so much, we’ll let you off the hook this time. Sincerely, KGB.”More Joseph Stalin [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Why didn't the Soviet Union join WW2 until 1941? They were using Stalin-tacticsMore Joseph Stalin [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Everyone were dying, except joseph He kept stalin his deathMore Joseph Stalin [01/02/2018 12:01:02]

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