List of Jokes

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Dear Tide,
I'm writing to you to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since my college days, when my Mom told me it was the best.

In fact, about a month ago, while at my girlfriend's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white shirt. She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing lead to
another and I had a lot of her blood on my white shirt, as well. I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it wouldn't come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide and all of the stains came out. So well, in fact, that the DNA tests where negative!

I thank you, once again, for a great product. I now have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Yours truly,
Gary ConditMore [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
"Florida Lottery"

Guess what?!?!? I won the lottery..I'm gonna be rich!! I won the Florida lottery! I'm now a multimillionaire! Can you believe it?!? I'm bouncing off the walls here! You see, my ticket doesn't have the exact winning numbers on it, but I meant to pick those winning numbers. The ticket was very confusing when I was filling it out and so I ended up with the wrong numbers on my card.

But since I really meant to pick those other numbers, they're going to give me the money anyway!!!! They really shouldn't make those darn cards so hard to fill out!!! And even though I was confused, I didn't ask for help because no one would have helped me anyway and I didn't want to appear like I didn't know what I was doing. Isn't it nice of Florida to give the money anyway.

I know, if the FL State Lottery won't give me the money, I'll just sue them!!!More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
What happens when a president gets elected in years ending with zero (which of course happens only every 20 years)?More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am."

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
In a bi-partisan move, President Bush nominated Dr. Hannibal Lecter as his candidate for US Surgeon General.More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
WE, the people of Florida, are holding this election hostage. When YOU promise to stop sending us YOUR old people, we will release YOUR election.More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
To the citizens of the United States of America:

Following your failure to elect anybody, either a half decent candidate or a B-movie actor as President of the USA to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a monarch's duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.

"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

Poof! And just like that..her ears fell off.More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
In new documents just revealed by the Justice Department, in addition to the controversial pardon of fugitive Marc Rich, former President Clinton also pardoned Adolph Hitler and Satan. With minutes to go before his term expired, Clinton signed an order to pardon himself.

Clinton's press liaison defended the pardons. "President Clinton reasoned it's time to put this whole 'World War' thing behind us.

"While Hitler did indeed have a few bad years, he's been a model of civility for the last 56 years. We think he deserves a second chance."

Clinton seemed to identify with Hitler. "There were forces constantly at work against him. I'm not condoning what he did, mind you, but I feel his pain. I know exactly what it's like to have the media of the world against you."

Clinton's pardon of Satan drew some right-wing Republican protests. Representative Dan Burton called upon Clinton to appear before Congress and explain the action. Burton
believes there was a deal between the Prince of Darkness and Clinton to help build Clinton's Presidential Library in exchange for the pardon and Clinton's soul.

Democrats were quick to dismiss the charges. Senator Tom Daschle said, "These charges are bogus because President Clinton sold his soul to Satan years ago."

Just before he posed for pictures on Inauguration Day with the new president, Clinton signed a pardon forgiving himself "for any goddamned thing anyone wants to pin on me, for
all eternity -- even things they've not found out about yet!"More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]

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