A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening; however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."
"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done?" So, in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace.
"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend. "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."
So in the tradition of the patriarchs, they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi.
They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour our their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the clouds above opened and a mighty voice said, "Amazing that you should come to me. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...."More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
It has come to our attention that the pastor you received was shipped with a slight defect: he/she is not psychic. This defect necessitates certain special procedures to ensure optimum performance of your unit.More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service:More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are proposing to have a special 'No Excuse Sunday.'More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on
each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements.
The Pastoral Search Committee.More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?
Sinner: I seem to have lost my faith.
God: Was your faith installed by an ordained priest or a Catholic Minister?
Sinner: Ummm... lets see, I have a confirmation, so it must have been a priest.
God: And have you been doing your Faith updates with Weekly Services?
Sinner: Well, no, not all of them, but I did get the big upgrade at Christmas and Easter, and a few other Weekly Services here and there.
God: Have you recently heard any contrary Data that might have corrupted your faith?
Sinner: Not that I can think of...
God: Please remember that corrupting data can come in many forms, from Simple Lies *(Microsoft) or Street Rhetoric (Internet), then there is that Guy Morgan at Just 4 Laughs Humor List! Have your Ears downloaded anything that might be construed as corrupting?
Sinner: Well I did listen to a bum on the street that said that God was asleep and that anyone who believes was being lulled into the fires of hell.
God: What you have is a paradox, that is the problem with your faith, you see, somehow you have an INI string installed that does not let you Believe in God, but the output of this string is a Goto Hell. Without God there is no hell, thus the paradox.
Sinner: And how do I get this Paradox out of my system?
God: Please re-read the book that came with your faith, The Bible® and recall the passages that deal with heaven and hell, and look to the passages about Judas.ini. You can also find some help in the Psalms 100-120, but those are long and confusing and should only be used with a complete lack of Faith.
Sinner: And what can I do so that my Faith never becomes corrupted again?
God: Well there are several products out there just for that purpose, Lotus Devout®, Microsoft Seminary Plus®, and Netscape Hereafter Browser®. If you use these products and not download data from know corrupting sources, you should be fine.
Sinner: Well thank you very much God, This should help out a lot, I should be believing in you without a doubt in no time.
God: Go in Peace® my son.
God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?
Sinner: Hello, I am now Jewish...More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
God made, Adam bit, Noah arked, Abraham split, Jacob fooled, Joseph ruled, Bush talked, Moses balked, Pharaoh plagued, People walked, Sea divided, Tablets guided, Promises landed, Saul freaked, David peeked, Prophets warned, Jesus born, God walked, Love talked, Anger crucified, Hope died, Love rose, Spirit flamed, Word spread, God remained. Amen.More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
The other day I went to the local religious book store where
I saw a "Honk if you Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put in
on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting
I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection. Just
lost in thought about the Lord and didn't notice that the light had changed.
That bumper sticker really worked. I found lots of people who love Jesus.
Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy, he must really love
the Lord. Because pretty soon he leaned out the window and yelled "Jesus
Christ" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting,
"Go Jesus Christ, Go". Everyone else started honking too. So I leaned out
my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there because
I could hear him yelling something about a Sunny Beach, and I saw him waving
in a funny way with only his middle finger up in the air. I had recently
asked my two kids what that meant. They told me that it was the Hawaiian
Good Luck Sign. So I leaned out the window and gave him the Good Luck Sign
back. A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted
But just then I noticed that the light had changed, and
I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car
to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I
leaned out the window and gave them a Big Smile and held up the Hawaiian
Good Luck Sign as I drove away.More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Alienation gives a view of form and content as a whole. (Anatoly Yurkin) [10/18/2019 01:10:43] More
Alienation is a recursion of intellectual property. [10/02/2019 01:10:48] More
Man exists in a reality about which he is always mistaken. (Anatoly Yurkin) [10/17/2019 05:10:27] More
Happiness is the harmony of the soul, the physiology of man and the environment. [10/12/2019 02:10:08] More
Thinking is a non-empty set of errors. Thinking is a form of activity based on alienation from concepts. (Anatoly Yurkin) [10/13/2019 12:10:47] More