List of Jokes

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Once uton a pime in a corn funtry there lived a geautiful birl and her name was Rindercella. Now Rindercella lived with her two sad blisters and her mugly other. Also in this corn funtry there liv inviting all the geautiful birls from riles amound. But Rindercella gouldn't co. She had to make dancy fesses for her two sad blisters and her mugly other.

While they all went off to the bancy fall, Rindercella just cat down and shried. She was just citting there a shrying when there appeared before her - her jerry mud father! "Rindercella," she asked, "Shry do you why?" Rindercella mold her jerry mud father
of her werrible tork.

Just then her jerry mud father made Rindercella a geautiful bown and took two mield fice and a tumpkin and purned them into two stighty malions and cig boach! Off to the bancy fall went Rindercella, with the warning that she must go home before the mid clock struck night.

As Rindercella entered the bancy fall the pransome hince saw her through a widden hindow and thought she gas worgeous! They danced and danced and soon they lell in fove. Suddenly, the mid clock struck night and fearing her cig boach would purn into a tumpkin,
Rindercella staced down the rairs. But as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper.

Well the nery vext day the pransome hince searched the corn funtry for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper. He tried it on Rindercella's mugly other, but if fidn't dit. He tried it on her sad blisters... Then, the dripper fit only Rindercella at last.

Now the storal of the mory: If you ever go to a bancy fall to meet a pransome hince with the hopes of lalling in fove, don't forget to slop your dripper!More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
... Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough
to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According
to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend
their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and
painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the
incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the
views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the
con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...

... Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man
in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

... Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

... Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a
Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and finger to
simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his
pocket.

... Counter Thought
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the
card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary
to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just
signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She
carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As
luck would have it, they matched.

... Idiots & Geography
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I
described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

... Advice for Idiots
An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety
Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate
your eyes."

... Idiots in the Neighborhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars
and he no longer wanted them to cross there.More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
DETROIT
As of Friday, June 24, 1994 the Ford Bronco has officially been selected as the vehicle of choice in the United States. The Conclusive California road test, as seen on national TV, proved without a doubt that the 1994 Bronco can successfully hold off 15 or more police cars, 3 helicopters, and the entire population of the United States for more than an hour and a half, while never exceeding 43 miles per hour. The vehicle even works as well parked in the driveway of your residence. If you are a felon, then we have a special deal for you on a brand new Ford Bronco. Just go to your local Ford dealer and ask for the new O.J. Package. This specially equipped Bronco comes with a .30 caliber pistol, twenty five rounds of ammunition, blood resistant upholstery, cellular phone with speed-dialing for 911 calls, $10,000.00 cash, a passport, a former famous football player blow-up doll, and a high-powered well-qualified lawyer who will greet you when you arrive home. Picture yourself leaning comfortably back in your seat, listening to the gentle swirl of helicopter blades and police cars purring. And if you act now, we will throw in the O.J. Magical Disappearing Ginzo Knife at no extra charge. Be the first in your cell to own the new 1994 O.J. EDITION BRONCO. See your Ford Dealer now.More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Let's see if I understand the state of personal responsibility in the
America of the 1990s.More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Hello, and thanks for calling. Your call is very important to us
and, we're sure, to all of humankind. If you would like to
challenge my sincerity, press 1.

We are currently experiencing a high volume of calls and frankly,
you are not helping the situation. All of our assistant associate
representatives are presently *assisting* themselves to a
*cigarette* and associating with a jelly doughnut, so for more
efficient routing of your call, please select from the following
menu:

For a list of our hours, press 2. For a list of our morbid fears,
press 3. For a list of our government budget-balancing ideas, such
as having the president make all trips by hot-air balloon, press 4.

If you wish to place an order, press the pound key. If you wish to
complain about newspapers, pound the press key. If you wish to wish
upon a star, makes no difference who you are, press -- what else? --
the star key.

To report a mechanical problem, press 42 and imitate the sound
your problem makes. Feel free to use a kazoo.

To obtain your account balance, spiritually speaking, press 8. If
you are suspicious of poodles, press 71. If you believe Tennessee
Williams' fatal shortcoming was his arrogant disdain for car and
truck chase scenes, press 19.

To report a Korlo Panda sighting, press 85 and give the name of
the laundromat. If you wish to access your files, punch in the
14-digit number that appears on the bottom of any can of creamed
corn.

For shipping and receiving, press 44. For moving and grooving,
press 45.

If you would like to see O.J. Simpson submit to a no-holds-barred
interview conducted by Sesame Street's Big Bird and Cookie
Monster, press 91.

For a list of upcoming events, press 68. For a list of events that
will never come up but we wish would, such as a speeding
locomotive crashing into a huge chocolate mousse shaped like a
Greyhound bus, press 22.

If you would like to hear how you can earn big money in your spare
time by kicking butt and taking names, press 18.

To find out why people don't name their babies "Felix'' anymore,
press 73.

If you went through the supermarket express line with 14 items and
you wish to confess your sin, press 30. If you also had coupons,
prepare to burn in hell.

To report a discrepancy between the way you planned your life and
the way it's turning out, press 86.

If you need immediate assistance, join the club, pal. If you wish
to join the Pal Club, press 55.

For a list of hip phrases to shout when you're shooting dice so
you don't have to keep using the one about infant requiring new
footwear, press 93.

To hear an explanation of exactly what it is tugboats do, press 25.
If you would like to hear my impression of James Cagney ordering a
pizza, press 26.

If you wish to end this call or return to the main menu, do not
press your luck. You are not going back to any main menu, my friend.
You have come too far. There is no turning back. You can only press one.More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Carnac the Magnificent was one of the highlights of the Johnny Carson Show. In the ongoing sketch, Carnac would draw a sealed envelope from a mayonnaise jar, and hold it to his forehead. He would then answer the question sealed inside the envelope. What is missing here is his delivery. Great sketch - and you might get lucky enough to find it on Nickoleodeon.More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
There are four basic types of chain letters:


Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if
you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly and
a mad goat will rape your dead body. Thanks again!!










Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel
guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a
certain number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a
mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.
It's true! Because , you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake
ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes.

Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending
them a stupid chain letter.

Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for sending
them a stupid chain letter.

5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.

10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.

20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset with
you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!





Queer Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on
Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She
then tripped in a crack in the side walk, fell into the sewer, was
gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poop, and went flying out over a
waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To
You!!!

Queer Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter
in his mail and ignored it . Later that day, he was hit by a car and so
was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way, especially at
Oklahoma City University). They both died and went to hell. They
continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable
kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!!

Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this
letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.

Of course, there's the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID forward this on
and then he married his secret crush, they moved to the suburbs, had 2.3
children and lived happily ever after.

Right up until he started working late every night, started an affair
with his secretary and boozing. Then she started sleeping with the golf
pro at the local country club, became addicted to sleeping pills and
their 2.3 children got into gangs and drugs. Then everything went to
hell, and they got divorced. She got the house and the kids, and he got
the car and child support payment, and got to keep the mortgage payment,
lost his job and his car and now is working the midnight shift at the
local McDonald's.




As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of
your friends.


- A friend is someone who is always at your side, - A friend is
someone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog, - A friend
is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly, - A
friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself, -
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about
your loser life, - A friend is someone who pretends they like you when
they really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown
to vicious dogs, - A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and
vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much
English no, sorry that's the cleaning lady,

Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will send dogs in heat to your
room in your sleep!!



Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore
it.

TRASH IT!!! If it's a joke or something, send it, sure! Just don't
forget to delete the chain letter part. But if it's gonna make people
feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or
nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of poop), just
DELETE it.

Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say NO!!! to
BLOODY CHAIN LETTERS!!" Thank you.''More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch
and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's
surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even pigeons -- avoided this
potential source of substance.

Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained
its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be
substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on
the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained
its advertised "creaminess"


A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for
precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20
seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma
of artificial butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the
acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes
10 seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven.
A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked
molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the
Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity: it was removed only upon application
of a butter knife.


A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately
120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected
"splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage
to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie
remained structurally intact.


A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal,
the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties
had noticeably "slowed". The filling was found to be the approximate consistency
of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering
to practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed
the freezer odors.


A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked
and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie
did not catch fire. It did, however produce the same "burning rubber" aroma
noticed in the irradiation experiment.


A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie
floated momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils
ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial
coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring
was now a very pale tan -- in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water
that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous
texture. After 72 hours the Twinkie had increased roughly 200 percent of
its original size. The water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped
spray of filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes". Unfortunately,
efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when,
under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud
of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.


The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual
phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring,
should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize
the Twinkie as "food". Further clinical inquiry is required before any
definite conclusions can be drawn.

Greg Ricker
Westinghouse Security ElectronicsMore [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
A medieval king was doing battle with the neighboring kingdom and had the chance to defeat his enemy if he could get a message out to his allies further south. He called his knights together and requested a volunteer to carry this entreaty.

Immediately a tall and brave knight stepped forward and announced he would gladly volunteer his services. It was with much fanfare that the knight mounted his steed, the secret message in his saddlepack, and headed out across the drawbridge. Out of the clouds came a giant yellow hand that snatched both the knight and his steed off the drawbridge, crushed them both, and deposited their remains into the alligator filled moat below.

A somber hush fell over the castle. The king again requested a volunteer to save his kingdom. And another knight stepped forward, willing to risk his life for the glory of serving his king and kingdom. Much concern and hoopla went on as he mounted his steed, deposited the secret message in his saddlebag, and headed out across the draw bridge. And AGAIN this enormous yellow hand swooped down out of the clouds, snatching him off the drawbridge, crushing him and depositing him in the alligator filled moat.

The king was at a loss as surely he would lose the battle and his kingdom in the process. No other knights would step forward. The king offerred his daughter's hand and half his kingdom to whoever could dispatch the message to his allies.

A small page stepped forward, caring little about the kingdom but possessing an intense desire for the princess. "I'll do it," he said, as he took the entreaty and placed it in the purse pages were wont to carry in those days.

The drawbridge was lowered and he scampered across as fast as his little legs would carry him. As before, down swoops this giant yellow hand, grabbing for the page as he
raced along, but as luck would have it, his size worked to his advantage, and he slipped between the fingers, reached the other side of the drawbridge and disappeared into the
safety of the forest. The message was successfully delivered, the war was won, and he lived happily ever after with the princess on his half of the kingdom.

The moral?More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe. So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution, so they send out some help-me type faxes. A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax read: "As your neighbors, we are deeply touched
you requested our help," etc., etc., "but we have no idea at all how to do it." The German fax read: "We are Germany, the most organized country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know how to handle it." The Polish fax read: "As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy
and economic resuscitation. "We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually. "So, it is our proposal to handle the
situation in three big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the trucks to ride on the right lane ..."More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]

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Quotes of the month

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Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Hast du einen Menschen gern, so musst du ihn versteh'n. Musst nicht immer hier und da, seine Fehler seh'n. Schau mit Liebe und Verzeih', denn am Ende bist du selbst nicht fehlerfrei. [06/25/2019 02:06:43] More


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