List of Jokes

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An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.

"You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.

"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."

"What's a circle fly?"

"Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."

"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's rear, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.

"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
"Excuse me, sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, sir."
"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yeah. I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"
"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten things you sent me?"
"You mean the Commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'were important, Moses? Of course, they are
important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of
course you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them! Are you trying to tell me you
didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, sir. I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot.
I did send them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did."
"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'. Can he
change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh
and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions, or letting people
pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."
"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was
scamming him?"
"I think that is spamming, Moses."
"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff,
and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what he did say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think
he might have sent me one of those plagues, and that's the reason I
lost those ten things, do you?"
"They're called viruses, Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just
go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them
out and reading them each day, but I never lost them."
"We'll do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows
more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the
way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice,
because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog
if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman
told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named
one of the computers Apple?"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be
working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and 'Thou shalt
not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone
tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help.

The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.

Finally he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.

Then he looked back at the lock, quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.

The teacher was amazed.

"I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.

"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away."

Another said "Yeah, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the
Abbott said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are
welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until
I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before
the Abbott said to him:
"Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbott said. "We will get you a better
bed."
The next year, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "You
may say another two words Brother John."
"Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him
that the food would be better in the future.
On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again
called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I quit." said Brother John.
"It is probably best." said the Abbott. "All you have done
since you got here is complain."More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Count the number of A's, B's, C's, and D's you checked and find your proficiency rating below:More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"


Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."


Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"


Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
AND The Mormons, having arrived fifteen minutes late, missed the fire
completely!!!!More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]

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