List of Jokes

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Everybody has a good excuse for not attending church. If you take those excuses and apply them to other things we do (or don't do), like eating, they might look like this list:More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
My appetite is my shepherd, I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly
Sometimes during the night.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating,
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously.
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me
All the days of my life
And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting, well, now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!

Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAYMore [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
You're So Fat.....More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Lineup:

Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught by Thighs
and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot!More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Dear Mom,

Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the
flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2
sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned
because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it
happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK.
He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the
search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in
the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the
fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put
gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't
burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is
going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed.
It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we
left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect
something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance
on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it
dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate.
It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns
riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked
to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.
In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him
drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we
ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming
out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't
swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let
us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see
some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb
isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about
the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not
to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first
aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got
to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up.
Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the
leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they
ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he
was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy
bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,ColeMore [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
It was a 5-2 loss that started the bleeding
A loss to Mats and his country of Sweden
Next up, it's easy - but just a 3-2 win
By a bunch of young fellas from united Berlin
They can't hit the net, they can't even pass it
There not chance in the world they're gonna beat Hasek
It's the bloody big ice, it's a number of things
They don't want it as much, they got their cup rings
But a 33 tie, with a late goal you would like
Scored by none other than Joe Nieuwendyk
The one that they thought was too slow and too old
Has not given up the quest for hockey gold.
Then things started changing, all for the best
They beat Selanne and Finland, lets take on the rest.
Then Sweden was next, they'd better get loose
But the Swedes were beaten by who... Belarus!
And then the ladies from out of the blue
Against the favoured Americans, knew what to do
The Yanks threw our flag on the floor they were told
So they captured our hearts and captured the gold
Then suddenly the Great one, our hero of youth
Told the hockey world the absolute truth
He said they don't like us, they want us to lose
We need to get meaner and inflict the odd bruise
So a North American Final was set us and the States
This time they were ready, they laced up their skates
This game was about skill, speed, and the odd chance
It would not be decided by a dumb judge from France
The yanks scored first, we sucked in our chest
But our boys came out and they played their best
Sakic, Lindros, Iginla, Lemeiux
And Gold is ours... Canada, 5 Yanks, 2
Despite the bad press and media opinions
We danced in the street like crazed Palestinians
From Victoria to St. John's we screamed and we shouted
Like Don Cherry predicted, the Yanks... they were routed
When we play hockey there is no English or French
There is no division among us; it's just the guys on the bench
They played the game for our Country, they played it true
And on behalf of the Country I say thank you.
For this game is now ours, there is no longer a debate
About the lack of finesse or the way that we skate
This nation of Canada has gotta' lot of class
But if you wanna' play hockey ... we'll kick your ass!More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.

The Judges' scores read:
Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple spin and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.

The Judges' scores read:Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his willies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.

The Judges' scores read:Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0

The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the heck can you give that mess 6.0?!"

To which the Irish judge replies "You've got to remember, it's darn slippery out there.More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around, but nobody was buying tickets.

Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea." After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back. As he came up Zeke noticed that his clothes were torn and wondered what happened.

Zeb went down again and this time when he sprang back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, "WOW! What is going on here?!?"

Zeb went down a third time and this time when he sprang back, Zeke noticed he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.

Zeke pulled Zeb in and said "Zeb, what happened?" Zeb, barely conscious, groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pi?ata?"More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
My first is in kendo but not in Olympics.
My second is in hurdles and in hunting.
My third is in bowman and in bowling.
My fourth is in cycling and in golf.
My fifth is in flying and not in swimming.
My last is in running and not in dancing.
My whole is a sport.
What am I?

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The answer to the Riddle is - Kung FuMore [01/02/2018 12:01:02]

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