List of Jokes

« Page 21384 from 21384, showing 213831 - 213831 from 213831 »

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Gravy Ladle
In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the pastor and his housekeeper.
One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and he wondered... After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner, I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner." The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows, "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed... you would have found the gravy ladle by now!"More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He
jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes
later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone
taking stuff out of his trunk!

He runs around and yells, "Hey, buddy, this is my car!"

"OK," the man says. "You take the front and I'll take the back."More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
What's green and goes camping?A boy sprout!More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Two Welshman walking across a field stumble upon a sheep with its head through a wire fence (it didn't have foot and mouth).
The first Welshman drops his trousers and piles into the sheep for 10 mins.
After he was finished he asked the second Welshman if he wanted a go??
The second Welshman dropped his trousers and stuck his head through the fence !More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence!More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge."More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out?"Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous!"More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Three friends - two straight guys and a gay guy - and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman name Penny."Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
An old guy goes to the doctor and gets some tests done. The doctor comes back from checking the results and says,
"I have some bad news. You have cancer and you have Alzheimer's."
The old man replies "Oh thank god I don't have cancer!"More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]

« Page 21384 from 21384, showing 213831 - 213831 from 213831 »

Quotes of the month

Vasiliy Lukashik A woman usually looks at a man from head to toe, and he looks at her from toe to the head. [09/07/2022 10:09:29] More

Author Unknown Few people are happier than a cat who just stole a cutlet. [09/07/2022 12:09:24] More

Author Unknown A woman is able not only to bandage a wound, but also to inflict it. [09/19/2022 07:09:04] More

Unknown Author At some point, every man has to choose between making fun of astrology and having sex. [09/02/2022 11:09:56] More

Yuri Tatarkin Even when a woman seems to want nothing, she wants to want something. [09/08/2022 10:09:04] More