List of Jokes

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An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They
are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I
come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's,
you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself
will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come
from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place,
Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink.
You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come
from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy
you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you
your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" said the other two.

"That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," he replied, "but it happened to my sister!"More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
My uncle had a beer gut that weighed two hundred pounds
He used a wheelbarrow to haul it into town
They treat him like a king when he walks into Woody's bar
His beer gut pays for lights and heat and Woody's brand new car.

Nudsie got a beer gut that gets bigger every year
Since Nudsie gave up lifting weights and started hoisting beer
He was lying on the beach one day, the bbq kept getting hotter
Some save the whale freaks came and dragged him back into the water.

Beer guts of America stand up if you can
Stick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand
Your beer gut is your buddy, it's a friend who's always near
And all you ever have to do is feed it lots of beer

Mungo drank a pony keg at Droopy Aho's wedding
His eyes went rolling round and round and then he started sweating
He tripped on Duck and Fuzz 'cause they were passed out on the floor
He landed on his beer gut and he bounced right out the door

I took my date into the sauna and on the bench we sat
She pointed and she said "I've never seen one big as that."
She held it and she stroked it and she told me with a smile,
"Body builders make me sick, but beer guts drive me wild."

Beer guts of America stand up if you can
Stick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand
Your beer gut is your buddy, it's a friend who's always near
And all you ever have to do is feed it lots of beer.More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
I watched an ant
climb a blade of grass this morning.
When he reached the top,
his weight bent the blade
down to the ground.
Then, twisting his thorax
with insectile precision,
he grabbed hold of the next blade.
In this manner,
He traveled across the lawn,
covering as much distance vertically
as he did horizontally,
which amused and delighted me.
And then, all at once,
I had what is sometimes
called an "epiphany",
a moment of heightened awareness
in which everything becomes clear.
Yes, hunched over that ant
on my hands and knees,
I suddenly knew
what I had to do...

Quit drinking before noon.More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
The following exchanges are taken from transcripts of 911 calls.More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Her car was speeding along Interstate 80 at well over 80 miles an hour when it passed by a State Trooper's position...

Obviously, the officer was compelled to pull the young female driver over and he asked to see her license.

After looking it over, he said to her, "It stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."

"Well, I have contacts," the woman replied.

"Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket."More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
A man has too much to drink at a party. His friends offer to drive him home, but the says no--he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a call for a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell him to stay put; they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery.

After a few minutes, the man decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later, the police knock on the door. They ask if a Mr. X lives there, and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door--where they find the police car, lights still flashing.More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him.

But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right
by the border fence, he pulls him out and says, "Sorry, you know the
law, you've got to go back across the border right now."

The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Se?or, I must stay in de
USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself--I'm going to make it hard
for him--and says, "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use three English
words in a sentence."

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The three words are: Green, Pink
and Yellow. Now use them in one sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says,
"Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green--I Pink it up, and
sez Yellow?"More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked.

"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies."More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."More [01/02/2018 12:01:02]

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