Lady Gaga will dominate the charts next year. She let me listen to a couple of new songs, she is a legend.More Britney Spears quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
I have never tried to hide who I really am but until a year ago, I wanted to be someone else.More Britney Spears quotes [07/13/2012 02:07:04]
I would like to stop worrying so much, because I worry all the time. And to learn how to be happier, just in general. I have to learn to take things not so seriously. And to stop biting my nails!... Recording music has helped take my mind off certain things. For me, my music is therapy.More Britney Spears quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
I think I'm more grounded, you know, and I know what I want out of life and I'm, you know, my morals are really, you know, strong and I have major beliefs about certain things and I think that has helped me, you know, from being, you know, coming from a really small town.More Britney Spears quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
I love performing and having people hear my music more that anything.More Britney Spears quotes [03/22/2006 12:03:00]
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whoa, I'm way too high!" - Bruce Baum
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? - Robin Williams
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. - Michael McShane
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. - Dave Barry
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. - Rodney Dangerfield
Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend? - Dennis Miller
Scratch a dog, and you'll find a permanent job. - Franklin P. Jones
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringley
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry
It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. - John Dryden
A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies! - Bill Maher
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams
On my gravestone, I want to say "I told you I was sick." - Tom Waits
A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. - Laurence J. Peter
Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it's too late. - Rita Coolidge
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne
Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died - their lives will never be the same again. - Barbara Boxer, Senator
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. The always say because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. - Ellen DeGeneres
I went out to dinner with a Marine last weekend. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you in seven seconds." I go, "I'll just have toast, then." - Margaret Smith
They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. - Carl Sagan
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry
The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends. - Bobby Kelton
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. - Lily Tomlin
At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: "My dad owns a liquor store." - Mark Klein
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. - Bill Cosby
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra...Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno
I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. - Brian Kiley
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh!" - Conan O'Brien
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler
The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams
In high school, I wanted to be a feminist, but my boyfriend wouldn't let me. - Denise Munro
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. - Dave Barry
Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. - Bob Ettinger
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' - Paula Poundstone
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west." - Richard Jeni
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? - Warren Hutcherson
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? - Marsha Warfield
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. - Tim Allen
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller
I think I am, therefore I am. I think. - George Carlin
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? - Jay Leno
The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis... - Conan O'Brien
Men look at women the way men look at cars... Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons... - Tim Allen
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know... Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfield
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight. - Rita Rudner
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. - Tim Allen
AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote." - Jay Leno
You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. - Joan Rivers
A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers! - Jay Leno
I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada. - Britney Spears
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see it shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. - Tim Allen
Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in. - Rita Rudner
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin
That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked... - Bill Cosby
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." - Garry Shandling
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. - Dick CavettMore Other / Misc Jokes about Britney Spears [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
1. You could care less who Britney Spears is sleeping with.
2. You understand the differences between 27 brands of imported chardonnay.
3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets.
4. You know someone who was in the emergency room with Richard Gere the gerbil.
5. You understand the immense importance of quality lighting.
6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of a baseball field and still spot a toupee.
7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.
8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
9. You really have "been there, done that."
10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends.
11. You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous."
12. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your house.
13. You can have naked men you don't know at your house.
14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
15. You understand why God invented Spandex.
16. You understand why God didn't intend everyone to wear it.
17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.
18. You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff.
19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
20. You can smile to let someone know you hate them.
21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
22. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
23. You've always got an opinion.
24. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
25. You know how to dress strategically.
26. Your car has an amusing female name.
27. You're the only one at your reunion who looks better than you did in high school.
28. You've got at least one framed picture of your cat.
29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Madonna.
30. You know that sex complicates things. So?
31. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't actually an insult.
32. There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you tell them what to tell you.
34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
35. You have at least one movie musical on video.
36. You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
37. You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
39. You know how to make an entrance.
40. You know when to make an exit.
41. You worry about people you don't even know - like Elton John.
42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
43. You know how to program your VCR.
44. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
48. You know when to play dumb.
49. You know what to do for a hangover.
50. Yes, you do have a condom.
51. You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.
52. One or more of the following apply to you:
a) You adore Famke Janssen
b) You hate Famke Janssen
c) You hate people who adore Famke Janssen.
d) You hate people who hate Famke Janssen.
e) You don't give a damn about Famke Janssen.
f) Who is Famke Janssen?
53. You can supply the last names to the following list:
54. You made Donna Summer a star.
55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.
56. Tanning salons were invented for you.
57. You've made sunbathing a performance art.
58. You know when the party's over.
59. You know where to go after the party's over.
60. You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
61. When you hear "a stitch in time saves nine" you think of
a) Your grandma
b) Your face lift
c) John Wayne Bobbit
62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your "roommate."
64. You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn't necessarily a compliment.
65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
66. If your cat is a female, you swear it's a lesbian.
67. If your cat is a male, you swear it's a lesbian.
68. You sing along with songs that make most females cringe, like "Stand by your man".
69. You've been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and you have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
70. You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
72. You have a favorite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one.
73. You've left someone totally speechless.
74. You've shaved something other than your face.
75. All your friends do not have to "get along".
76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
77. Your love handles are actually used as such.
78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
79. You've got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
80. You've got the most interesting coffee table books.
81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain't in your kitchen drawer.
82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
83. At some moment in your life you've envisioned having back-up girls.
84. You know your enemies.
85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he's right there in the shower.
86 You're Barbra Streisand's biggest fan.
87. You know that Barbra Streisand's biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
88 Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you've added side dishes.
89. You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics, and "important issues" can be about hair.
90. You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.
91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
93. You know, by heart, every line in:
a) All about Eve
b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show
c) Your face.
94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.
96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supreme's song.
97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
98. Even if you're in Kansas, you're not in Kansas any more.
99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.More Men / Women Jokes about Britney Spears [01/02/2018 12:01:02]
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Indeed, many millionaires go in a dash and drive cheap cars - but to afford this, you must be a millionaire. A beggar in such a situation would suffer inexpressibly from cognitive dissonance, so many poor people tend to dress expensively and well for the last money. [07/20/2020 12:07:50] More
To love music, you must first of all listen to it. [07/22/2020 11:07:39] More
I've counted. The average salary of a Muscovite can bury 300 residents of Ryazan. [07/26/2020 11:07:17] More
There can be a generation gap between word and deed. [07/26/2020 01:07:21] More