Jennifer Capriati

Jennifer Capriati

Professional tennis player, Olympic champion
Once upon a time there was a man named Stefano. Stefano, being a temperamental, hot-blooded Italian stud, attempted to achieve fame and glory via a variety of differing sports. Unfortunately, despite all his efforts, he was just a mildly, but not wildly, successful athlete. This proved to be a great source of frustration for him. Then one day he met a young lady who, he quickly deduced, had fine, sturdy bone structure and nice, strong teeth, causing him to swiftly proclaim, “THIS is the one!”A marriage and 9 months later a child was born. “Damn”, he said, as he swaddled the child in a Fila blanket, “you’re not a boy! Oh well, I’ll just teach that thing what i know, some good years later, & some junior tournaments, little Jenny (or "Eggplant" as daddy called her) was thirteen, he sent her to a real tennis tourny, for his surprise, she kicked buts, he was so pleased he got a $3 million deal with Diadora. Why? Because they'll dress jennifer up as a clown and embarrass her when she is older and can look back and think "what a chump i am". Adidas' and Nikes clothes were too "normal" for the flamboyant Stefano.Then he decided that Jen needed a Rolex watch, this way she can time the time she takes between serves with the teeny-weeny watch within a watch with times the milli-seconds. Easily distracted by shiny objects, Stefano (or Steffie as he preffered to be known) decided that little Miss Jen should win every tournament she entered, therefore receiving many shiny objet d'art, along with bag loads of CA$H. Stefano started putting much pressure on the beloved Jen to win, win, win. He forced her to tour the globe playing meaningle$$ exhibitions as he fattened not only the House of Capriati bank account, but his ever expanding middle section as well. Needless to say, Stefano had lived in America for over 20 years, but he never learned to speak English so he felt that screaming would make every one understand him.Meanwhile little Jennifer was charming the world with her smile, personality and killer strokes. She even signed an endorsement deal with Oil of Olay even though she was a mere 14 years old. Rejected endorsement offers included Miss Clairol grey concealing hair-dye and Depends adult diapers. It seemed all of corporate America wanted a piece of young Jenny, who just wanted to be a normal little girl. Jenny was unhappy and confused. She wanted to rebel but Stefano would have none of it, besides which she didn't really know how to yet.Fast-forward a couple of years. Now truly fed-up of being a teenage cash-cow/media-ho, and suddenly able to bench-press 120 lbs., Jenny told papa Stefano and company to shove it and decided to stop playing the game called tennis and started a new game called, 'Let's Get Arrested!'. Jennifer was rather successful at this, clocking up two arrests and many headlines. At this stage, her endorsements were cancelled and she had to find new ways of making money to pay for her frequent hair colouring episodes. She became adept at origami, often being the star attraction at kids' birthday parties and also started busking around the footpaths of Bristol. During this time, Stefano and Jennifer's Mother, who for years never had a name, stayed very quiet, which was rather unusual for Stefano.Whilst the rest of the tennis world continued, Jennifer returned to school to, you know, complete her, you know, studies-type thing, you know? However, little, innocent, American sweetheart Jennifer, who was no longer little or innocent decided to return to tennis, becauseshe got damn tired of of being the poster child for TTGB(tennis teens gone bad), not to mention her origami patterns were kind of "you know", drippy. Bart Simpson patterns and her fav goth bands just didn't transfer well onto delicate paper. And lets be real. Delicate is not the first thing that comes to mind realizing that origami birthday parties were a dying breed, having reached their zenith in the late 80s but succumbing to the pressures of rent-able moon-bounces and balloon art, she decided this line of work may not be able to keep her in the lifestyle she’d become accustomed - including her expensive demand for hair coloring, heavy make up and black capes. So, pacing the floor in her roach-infested apartment in Boca Raton, stepping over the beer bottles and nameless drunks and hangers on sleeping on her floors, she thought, “You know, shoplifting clearly isn't my thing, you know, maybe I should.....ugh... try tennis again?” So, reluctantly, she called Steffie to ask what would it take to mount a comeback?Steffie, who in the meantime had grown an even larger beer belly with his inactivity and lack of purpose in life, had, however, managed to learn a few new choice words in English and behavior tips while filling his days with “Jerry Springer”. When he picked up the phone and heard the small, frail voice on the other end, he sucked in his gut, straightend his back and after listening intently to her new plan, promptly ordered her to pack her capes and move back north NOW – “Do not even say good-bye to those good for nothing friends of yours!!” Slamming the phone down, he looked at Denise, smoothed back his oily Italian mane and shouted, “Momma! We’re back in business!!” And he quickly began preparing for the comeback by following the Mr. Lucic, Mr. Graf, and Mr. Pierce technique of doing absolute bugger all. Hey, it was a tried and tested technique. Anyhoo, Jens hair now purple and orange, proved to be an all too effective camoflage against Steffie's Diadora tracksuit. So he wasn't aware of her arrival for 3 weeks when Jen used her origami techniques to create a high tech communications system to receive his attention, or a letter accompanied by an envelope.Source: capriati.wtnworld.com
What I want out of tennis is not necessarily just winning.More Jennifer Capriati quotes [09/26/2011 12:09:20]
You have to block everything out and be extremely focused and be relaxed and mellow too.More Jennifer Capriati quotes [01/01/2000 12:01:00]
I feel like I've started a new chapter in my life, and I need to leave the past behind.More Jennifer Capriati quotes [09/26/2011 12:09:53]
She [Serena Williams] played some great shots, but so did I, and that was the only difference.More Jennifer Capriati quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]
I know there is much mystery, much question to what happened, and I must also say, many lies.More Jennifer Capriati quotes [03/29/2018 05:03:36]

Quotes of the month

Suzanne Collins The rat was merely trying to sleep. Believe me, pup, if I had wanted to kill you we wouldn’t be having this conversation,” said Ripred. [03/29/2018 05:03:36] More


Phyllis McGinley The successful truck gardener can never go out to dinner in the summer or spend a week end away, because his conscience tells him he has to be at home eating up his corn or packaging his beans for the freezer. [03/29/2018 05:03:36] More


Walter Savage Landor As the pearl ripens in the obscurity of its shell, so ripens in the tomb all the fame that is truly precious. [03/29/2018 05:03:36] More


Donald Trump I've never once in my life known a person who was successful who didn't have a big ego. Ego's not a bad thing. [03/29/2018 05:03:36] More


Rollo May A dynamic struggle goes on within a person between what he or she consciously thinks on the one hand and, on the other, some insight, some perspective that is struggling to be born. [03/29/2018 05:03:36] More