 |
|
|
|
| Myron Larabee: They sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's' minds out! And I know what I'm talking about because I went to junior college for a semester and I studied psychology so I'm right in there, I know what's going on. They make the kids feel like garbage and you, the father, who's working 24/7 delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office, but me! And then when you get the toy, it breaks and you can't fix it because it's little cheap plastic! (Movie: Jingle All the Way [1996]) | |
Ted: Howard. They say it might get icy later. You might wanna wrap some chains around those tires.
Howard Langston: Maybe I should wrap some chains around you.
Ted: What? (Movie: Jingle All the Way [1996]) | |
Myron Larabee: I work for the post office so you know I'm not stable! Tell 'em!
Howard Langston: This man is totally insane.
Myron Larabee: Thank you! (Movie: Jingle All the Way [1996]) | |
Mall Santa: Hey, Pal, you want a Turbo Man for Christmas?
Howard Langston: Forget it, I'm not gonna sit on your lap.
Mall Santa: Hey, Chief, that's not my bag... Get it? (Movie: Jingle All the Way [1996]) | |
[Howard is trying to reach his wife on the phone, but Ted is over and answers]
Howard Langston: Can I talk to my wife?
Ted: I think she is in the shower Howard, do you want me to check?
Howard Langston: NO! (Movie: Jingle All the Way [1996]) | |
Howard Langston: You guys are nothing but a bunch of sleazy conmen in red suits.
Mall Santa: What did you call us?
Howard Langston: You heard me right. Conmen. Thieves. Degenerates. Low-lifes. Thugs. Criminals!
Mall Santa: At the North Pole them are fighting words, Partner. (Movie: Jingle All the Way [1996]) | |
| Myron Larabee: How about these stupid letters from kids to Santa at the North Pole: "Dear Santa, Can you send me a bike and a slinky?" No! Your father's been laid off! (Movie: Jingle All the Way [1996]) | |
Myron Larabee: As if I didn't have enough trouble, my son sends me out for some goofy-butt toy. Some fruity robot named Turtle-Man.
Howard Langston: It's Turbo Man. My son wants one too. (Movie: Jingle All the Way [1996]) | |
| Jamie: I want the Turbo Man action figure with the arms and legs that move and the boomerang shooter and his rock'n roller jet pack and the realistic voice activator that says 5 different phrases including, "It's Turbo time!" Accessories sold separately. Batteries not included. (Movie: Jingle All the Way [1996]) | |
Caller: [the objective is to correctly name all 8 of Santa's reindeer] Um Randy, Germaine, Tito...
DJ: Nope, not even close. Sorry. Perhaps this song will put us all in the mood to get this thing right. (Movie: Jingle All the Way [1996]) | |
Officer: Maybe you shouldn't mess with that.
Officer Hummel: Relax, Sparky, I was with the bomb squad for 10 years.
[does various things to find out if it's really a bomb while Howard and Myron run out of the studio]
Officer Hummel: Gentlemen, we've been duped. This is nothing but a harmless Christmas package.
Myron Larabee: [the bomb goes off, Howard hesitates with a look of shock] That really was a bomb? This is a sick world we live in! Sick people!
Officer: How many years on the bomb squad?
[Officer Hummel collapses on the floor, charred] (Movie: Jingle All the Way [1996]) | |
Officer Hummel: Turbo Man, we could use a man like you on the force.
Howard Langston: [In Turbo Man outfit] Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. Oh, I'm sorry about the bike, and the coffee, and the bus, and... the bomb. (Movie: Jingle All the Way [1996]) | |
Howard Langston: I gotta tell you, Santa, there's something about this place that doesn't seem quite... Kosher.
Mall Santa: Kosher? This coming from a guy who assaulted a toddler for a super ball? (Movie: Jingle All the Way [1996]) | |
Liz: Everything you went through today for Jamie really shows how much you love him. And if it means going through all that just for a present, well that makes me wonder.
Howard: What?
Liz: What did you get me?
[Howard makes a terrified face, camera quickly zooms in on it, fade out] (Movie: Jingle All the Way [1996]) | |
Myron Larabee: You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to walk into the office, grab one of those guys
[grabs an old lady]
Myron Larabee: And choke him and choke him until an eye pops out! Er... You shouldn't wear fur. (Movie: Jingle All the Way [1996]) | |
| Mall Santa: We're not just doing this for us. We're doing it for the kids. For every kid who ever sat on Santa's lap. For every little girl who left cookies and milk for Santa on Christmas night. For every little boy who opens a package Christmas morning and finds clothes instead of toys. It breaks my heart. (Movie: Jingle All the Way [1996]) | |
Howard Langston: You built a bomb?
Myron Larabee: No, I didn't build a bomb! Don't you read the news? Hundreds of these things come through the mail every day! I just kept one in case I ever needed it! (Movie: Jingle All the Way [1996]) | |
| Ted: [when an attempt to flirt with Liz ends with her throwing egg nog in his face] Well... that didn't exactly go as well as I'd hoped. (Movie: Jingle All the Way [1996]) | |
DJ: Excuse me, gentlemen, are you two under the impression that I have a Turbo Man doll here in the studio?
Howard Langston: Yes.
Myron Larabee: That's what you said on the radio.
DJ: Oh, no.
Myron Larabee: Yes it is.
DJ: No, no, no! What I actually said was whoever won would get a doll EVENTUALLY... See
[chuckles]
DJ: What we have here... is a gift certificate.
Myron Larabee, Howard Langston: A gift certificate?
DJ: Right. (Movie: Jingle All the Way [1996]) | |
Joe Dirt: [talking to himself while brushing hair in the mirror] People like that security guard. They don't really mean what they say. They just got their own issues and what not. Alls I got to do is keep bein' a good person. No matter what, good things'll come my way. Everything's gonna happen for me, just so long as I never have no in my heart.
[toilet flushes and man walks out of stall. Joe looks down awkwardly]
Joe Dirt: Right on. Things are gonna happen for me! I'm Joe Dirt! (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
Joe Dirt: Comin' to work. Joe Deertay.
KXLA Security Guard: Don't try and church it up son. Don't you mean Joe Dirt? Naming you that your father must've really hated you.
Joe Dirt: You're wrong brother.
KXLA Security Guard: I got a good name for this car, rusty.
Joe Dirt: Shit'll buff out.
KXLA Security Guard: Don't bother, just drive this piece of crap off a cliff. Do us all a favor.
Joe Dirt: Does this look like a piece of crap to you? Like them spinnin' tires do you?
KXLA Security Guard: You suck!
Joe Dirt: You do! (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
| Joe Dirt: Well, I was born without the top of my skull and I guess a little bit of my brains was showin' and it was grossin' everybody out so my mom put this wig on me to cover it up and then the bones grew together and it got all infused and entwined. I mean I don't mean to get all scientific with you... (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
Joe Dirt: Why don't you go practice fallin' down. I'll be there in a minute.
Railroad Boy #1: You wanna fight you little queer?
Joe Dirt: Queer? Is this queer? These queer?
[slappin muslces]
Joe Dirt: Whats up? Whats up? (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
Meteor Bert: Well, it ain't a meteor.
Joe Dirt: Yeah it is. It came out of the sky.
Meteor Bert: Well I'm sure it did but it ain't no meteor. It's a big ol frozen chunk o' shit.
Joe Dirt: What!
Meteor Bert: Oh yeah, see them airplanes they dump their toilets 36,000 feet. The stuff freezes and falls to earth. We call 'em Boeing bombs
[chomps teeth]
Joe Dirt: no that can't be. That's not what it is
Meteor Bert: oh, afraid so. See that peanut? Dead giveaway.
Joe Dirt: Uhhh, no, that's a space peanut.
Meteor Bert: No, afraid not. That just a big ol' frozen chunk of poopy.
Studio manager: Dude you were eating off it! (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
Robby: [Robby's car sprays joe with rocks] Oh, Dirt, did I getcha?
Joe Dirt: No, I'm cool.
Robby: No your not. (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
Joe Dirt: Hey man, you done with that apple core
Zeke: [farts] I'm done with that fart. You want that?
Joe Dirt: Maybe if it came out of Charlene Tilton's ass I'd take a bite.
Zeke: Yeah you probably like JR you queer. I saw your bumper sticker :Cowboy's butts drive me nuts
Joe Dirt: Is that right? You think thats queer? Is this queer?
[slapping muscles]
Joe Dirt: they're large and in charge and lookin' for chickies.
Zeke: You wanna back that up?
Joe Dirt: You wanna fight? Why don't you stick your head up my butt and fight for air.
Zeke: That's it. You and me, lets go.
Joe Dirt: You know I'd love to beat your ass all up and down this place but I gotta go back to work.
Oil Rig boss: Joe dirt, your fired. Here's your weeks pay.
Joe Dirt: Dang (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
Joe Dirt: [Facing mirror] She's your sister dude she's gotta be and you made out with her man! What's wrong with you, you pervert!
[turns away from mirror]
Joe Dirt: Well I didn't know she was my sister when I kissed her, so it's not my fault. And she's one of the hottest girls on the planet.
[turns back to mirror]
Joe Dirt: You just said your sisters hot! What a fuhreak! You're going to hell man!
[turns away from mirror]
Joe Dirt: I gotta tell her what happened, why I got weird. And for god sakes' I gotta treat her like a sister.
[next scene, you hear them having sex] (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
Joe Dirt: Buffalo Bob's kind of a weird name, but people say Joe Dirt's a weird name and how cool am I?
Joe Dirt: [talking to Buffalo Bob] Hey to tell you the truth brother, between you and me, that thing with the dog is comin' off a little fruity. I mean that's just me. Hey, where's my supplies?
[squeal of delight]
Joe Dirt: oh yeah, Auto Trader. Dang, August, I don't got this one. (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
Joe Dirt: If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Jill: Sure will. Do you want to go back to my place?
Joe Dirt: Sure do (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
| Joe Dirt: I'm a rocker through and through. Here's a list of my favorite bands: AC/DC, Van Halen not Van Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Leppard... (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
| Zander Kelly: Now, you're telling me you were so ingrained with white trash DNA, your facial hair actually grows in on its own all white trashy like that? (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
Joe Dirt: So your gonna' tell me that you don't have no black cats, no roman candles, or screaming mimis?
Kicking Wing: No.
Joe Dirt: Oh come on man. You got no lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, or crap flappers?
Kicking Wing: No, I don't.
Joe Dirt: You're gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand, and tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen spliters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker donts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistling kitty chaser?
Kicking Wing: No... because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like.
Joe Dirt: Well that might be your problem, it's not what you like, it's the consumer. (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
Old Cajun Man: [In a muffled back water accent] Home is where you make it.
Joe Dirt: What?
Old Cajun Man: Home is where you make it.
Joe Dirt: You like to see homos naked?
Old Cajun man: Home is where you make it.
Joe Dirt: Oh.
[Walks away]
Joe Dirt: Guy likes to see homos naked, that doesn't help me. (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
| Joe Dirt: You guys got somethin' to say to me? Why don't you say it in the microphone. I got a backup mike right here. Check one two, testing, testing. Yup, they both working and guess what? they don't like no feed back, what's up? (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
[Trying to scrape Charlie the dog's testicles off the frozen porch]
Joe Dirt: Now, this ain't no flapjack, so I'm gonna be real careful, I won't look. (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
[Joe falls off a swing]
Joe Dirt: And at that moment I thought I might just lie there and never get up. I would just sit there and rot there, but then I looked up and saw the moon and got this weird feeling that Brandi was looking up at that same moon. Then I realized I had a home all along, in Silvertown. (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
Joe Dirt: Well today I'm gonna be picking up my Hemi Roadrunner that's right I said Hemi
Jill: Wow. A Hemi. Balls to the Wall.
Joe Dirt: Yep, left it at a friends house
[under his breath]
Joe Dirt: actually it got towed away two years ago
[loud again]
Joe Dirt: but I'm picking it up this afternoon. I might need a pretty little lady to sit in the front seat while I break her in. The car I mean. So what do you say.
Jill: That's a big ten-four. (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
| Joe Dirt: There are three rules when dealing with a deadly crocodile. Rule number one, I'm number one. Rule number two, the croc's number two. (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
[when the dog starts humping Little Joe's leg]
Little Joe Dirt: Can I Push him off of me?
Miss Clipper: He'll stop humping as soon as he's done (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
| Zander Kelly: God Almighty, from inbred heaven?, hey freak boy, 1976 called, it wants its hairstyle back. (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
| Joe Dirt: [to himself] YOU JUST SAID YOUR SISTER WAS HOT. WHAT A FREAK. You're going to Hell, Dude. (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
| Joe Dirt: And you'll be sticking your head out the window and check out chic dogs saying 'what's up, baby?' (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
| Zander Kelly: What's the deal with your hair? You doing stunt work for Billy Ray Cyrus? (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
| Clem: [talking to fire extinguisher] You're talking to me all wrong... It's the wrong tone. You do it again and I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. Hey, tell me, does your mother sew? BOOM. Get her to sew that! (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
Joe Dirt: Well, I see you got those snakes and sparklers. But where's the good stuff man?
Kicking Wing: Good stuff? This is the good stuff, snakes and sparklers.
Joe Dirt: Are you nuts dude? You need stuff that'll explode. Go *boom*!
Kicking Wing: Why is that good?
Joe Dirt: Well, huh, might as, might as well ask why is a tree good? Why is the sunset good? Why are boobs good? Man, firecrackers, ya stick 'em in mailboxes, you drop 'em in toilets, shove 'em up bullfrogs asses. (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
| Joe Dirt: You wanna fight? Why don't you stick your head up my ass and fight for air? (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
| Zander Kelly: Don't you get it? Stinky stuff is your milieu. Okay? This is your deal. You are an underachievement nexus of the universe. (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
| Chemistry Student: If my calculations are correct, this will create ice... OH NO, KILLER MUSTARD GAS! (Movie: Joe Dirt [2001]) | |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
