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| Mr. Waturi: But can he do the job. I know he can get the job but can he DO the job? I'm NOT arguing that with you. I'm not arguing that with YOU. I'm not ARGUING that with you. I'm not ARGUING that with you Harry! Harry... Harry... Yeah Harry... but can he DO the job. I know he can GET the job but can he do the job? (Movie: Joe Versus the Volcano [1990]) | |
Joe Banks: You look terrible, Mr. Waturi. You look like a bag of shit stuffed in a cheap suit. Not that anyone could look good under these zombie lights. I, I, I, I can feel them sucking the juice out of my eyeball. Suck, suck, suck, SUCK...
[makes a sucking noise]
Joe Banks: For 300 bucks a week, that's the news. For 300 bucks a week, I've lived in this sink, this used rubber.
Mr. Waturi: You watch it, mister! There's a woman here!
Joe Banks: [shouting] Don't you think I know that, Frank? Don't you think I am aware there is a woman here? I can smell her, like, like a flower. I can taste her, like sugar on my tongue. When I'm 20 feet away I can hear the fabric of her dress when she moves in her chair! (Movie: Joe Versus the Volcano [1990]) | |
Marshall: They just pay me to drive the limo, sir. I'm not here to tell you who you are.
Joe Banks: I didn't ask you to tell me who I am.
Marshall: You were hinting around about clothes. That happens to be a very important topic to me, sir. Clothes, Mr...
Joe Banks: Banks.
Marshall: Banks. Clothes make the man. I believe that. You say to me you want to go shopping, you want to buy clothes, but you don't know what kind. You leave that hanging in the air, like I'm going to fill in the blank, that to me is like asking me who you are, and I don't know who you are, I don't want to know. It's taken me my whole life to find out who I am, and I'm tired now, you hear what I'm saying? (Movie: Joe Versus the Volcano [1990]) | |
| Patricia: My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake and they live in a state of constant total amazement. (Movie: Joe Versus the Volcano [1990]) | |
[Joe is about to jump into the volcano]
Patricia: I love you!
Joe Banks: I love you, too! I've never been in love with anybody before, either! It's great! I'm glad! But the timing stinks.
[kisses her on the cheek]
Joe Banks: I've gotta go. (Movie: Joe Versus the Volcano [1990]) | |
Luggage Salesman: Have you thought much about luggage, Mr. Banks?
Joe Banks: No.
Luggage Salesman: It's the central preoccupation of my life. (Movie: Joe Versus the Volcano [1990]) | |
| Patricia: [addressing Joe his first night aboard the Tweedle Dee] I've always kept clear of my father's stuff ever since I got out on my own. And now he's pulling me back in. He knew I wanted this boat and he used it and he got me working for him, which I swore I would never do. I feel ashamed because I had a price. He named it and now I know that about myself. And I could treat you like I did back out on the dock, but that would be me kicking myself for selling out, which isn't fair to you. Doesn't make me feel any better. I don't know what your situation is but I wanted you to know what mine is not just to explain some rude behavior, but because we're on a little boat for a while and... I'm soul sick. And you're going to see that. (Movie: Joe Versus the Volcano [1990]) | |
Waponi Chief: Do you want to marry him?
Patricia: Yes.
Waponi Chief: Do you want to marry her?
Joe Banks: Yes.
Waponi Chief: Good. You're married.
Joe Banks: [shaking the Chief's hand] Thank you, Chief.
Patricia: Thank you, Chief.
Waponi Chief: I'm going now. (Movie: Joe Versus the Volcano [1990]) | |
Angelica: Would you like to hear one of my poems?
Joe Banks: Sure.
Angelica: Long ago, the delicate tangles of his hair... covered the emptiness of my hand... Would you like to hear it again?
Joe Banks: Ok.
Angelica: Long ago, the delicate tangles of his hair... covered the emptiness of my hand. (Movie: Joe Versus the Volcano [1990]) | |
Luggage Salesman: This is our premier steamer trunk, it's all handmade, only the finest materials. It's even watertight, tight as a drum. If I had the need, and the wherewithal, Mr. Banks, this would be my trunk of choice.
Joe Banks: I'll take four of them.
Luggage Salesman: May you live to be a thousand years old, sir. (Movie: Joe Versus the Volcano [1990]) | |
Joe Banks: I have less than six months to live. The Waponis believe they need a human sacrifice or their island is going to sink into the ocean. They have this mineral your father wants so he hired me to leap into their volcano.
Patricia: What?
Joe Banks: You're not going to make me say that again, are you? (Movie: Joe Versus the Volcano [1990]) | |
| Joe Banks: And Frank, the coffee. It stinks. It tastes like arsenic. These lights give me a headache; if they don't give you a headache, you must be dead, so let's arrange the funeral! (Movie: Joe Versus the Volcano [1990]) | |
| Samuel Harvey Graynamore: Well, does it take more guts to twice traverse a staircase in a burning building, or to make a one-time leap into a volcano? Damned if I know, Kemosabe. (Movie: Joe Versus the Volcano [1990]) | |
Patricia: That outfit's wearing you, Felix.
Joe Banks: Why are you calling me Felix. My name is Joe.
Patricia: I am calling you Felix because I do what I want. (Movie: Joe Versus the Volcano [1990]) | |
Joe Banks: And then I'll be staying on a tiny island and I don't know if I'll be living in a hut, or what.
Luggage Salesman: Very exciting... as a luggage problem! (Movie: Joe Versus the Volcano [1990]) | |
Marshall: Listen, ain't you got nobody?
Joe Banks: No. But there are certain times in your life when I guess you're not supposed to have anybody, you know? There are certain doors you have to go through alone. (Movie: Joe Versus the Volcano [1990]) | |
| Joe Banks: And why, I ask myself, why have I put up with you? I can't imagine, but now I know. Fear. Yellow freakin' fear. I've been too chicken shit afraid to live my life so I sold it to you for three hundred freakin' dollars a week! (Movie: Joe Versus the Volcano [1990]) | |
Lori: [walks in] What are you girls doing?
Carrie: Destroying a man.
Lori: Who Do I Make My Check Out to?
[Kate's mom walks out]
Beth: Your mom is SO HOT! (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Heather: John and I belong together. He's the varsity captain, and after all, I AM the head cheerleader.
Beth: Sorry what kind of cheerleader? (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Heather: So I talked to John. He was sweet. He felt bad for you. He said that you were jealous because we share something special. Something that we don't have to label because...
Beth: [interrupting] Because it's our unspoken bond and I just love how secure you are?
Carrie: And it hurts me to question it, because...
Heather, Beth, Carrie: [at the same time] ... YOU'RE THE ONLY GIRL FOR ME?
Heather: Damn! He said the same thing to all of us!
Beth: Figures. He makes up with us and he hooks up with us...
Carrie: [interrupts, whispers] You guys hooked up?
Beth: John and I share something special.
Carrie: Oh what, that they been both in your pants?
Beth: We share a vegan/nonviolent outlook on life.
Heather: [under her breath, coughs] Hippie slut.
Beth: [sarcastic] Oh nice, Heather. It's not like everyone doesn't know that little Miss Cheerleader brings it on.
Carrie: What, you too?
Heather: John and I belong together. He is the team captain and I am the head cheerleader.
Beth: Oh, I'm sorry, what kind of cheerleader?
Carrie: Oh, like he'd take either of you two seriously?
Beth: Do not lump me with her!
Heather: Oh so what, you're now better than me?
Kate: Shut up.
Heather, Beth: [peeved] What?
Kate: Sorry.
Heather: You got something to say?
Kate: No, it's none of my business.
[pause]
Kate: Okay, let me guess. Does he always use pet names like "Baby" and "Sweetheart?" Yeah, it's not out of affection, it's so he won't mix up your names. And he's all about an unspoken bond or something special, but never about a relationship. And the whole arrangement was your idea, so you feel guilty that he cheated.
Heather: Oh my God, you're dating John too?
Kate: No, I knew a guy like him... Skip. (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Coach Williams: Coach Claypoole is in the hospital, so we're combining all first period gym classes.
[girls groan]
Coach Williams: Yeah, yeah, I know, we all hate each other. (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Carrie: She's right. I mean he always making me feel guilty.
Kate: It seems to me that if a guy treats you like that...
Heather: [interrupts] You'd break up with him, blah, blah, blah...
Beth: Even John would have another girlfriend in a second.
Kate: No, I didn't say break up. I'd get even.
[Carrie, Beth, and Heather look at her]
Heather: Who are you?
Beth: I know, you're that girl that wigged out last year and got sent to rehab!
Kate: No, I...
Beth: [interrupts] Then you got taken away from bulimia.
Kate: No.
Beth: Fat camp?
Kate: No. My name is...
Detention Teacher: [enters the library, interrupting] Hey, no talking!
Kate: My name is...
Detention Teacher: [interrupts] No talking! (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Volleyball Girl: You weren't at the party last night. Where were you?
Carrie: Well, it's totally on the DL. I mean, not fit to print. I'm dating... John Tucker. (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
John Tucker: So you're lab partners with Kate, right? We talk. What's her deal?
Scott: Yeah, I don't know. I don't think she's your type.
John Tucker: Girl is my type.
Scott: Alright, well then maybe you're not her type. She's into stuff like old school Elvis Costello, she listens to obscure podcasts, she reads Dave Eggers. You know, she's deep, man.
John Tucker: Dude, I'm deep. I'm dating the poetry club. (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Kate: Where is everyone?
Scott: [confused] You came early to detention?
Kate: Oh. Well, I'd hate to miss a minute of being... detained. (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Carrie: You know what, that was no accident!
Heather: He's mine!
[pushes Carrie]
Heather: Stay away from him!
Carrie: Oh you little brat!
[slaps Heather]
Beth: [tries to break Carrie and Heather up] Girls, peace and love! C'mon you guys are fighting over -...
Heather: We're fighting over John Tucker, he's mine!
Beth: [throws volleyball at Heather] OH!
Heather: What the hell is your problem?
Beth: I am dating John Tucker.
[Heather throws a volleyball at Beth but Beth ducks, it hits Kate instead. Carrie and Beth slap each other]
Coach Williams: [whistle] ENOUGH! Let's get back in the game.
[Beth pushes Carrie, then Heather pushes Beth. Coach Williams tries to break up the fight. Carrie throws the volleyball that was supposed to get Beth and Heather, but gets Coach Williams instead. The crowd groans]
Carrie: Darn it Coach!
[Heather throws a bag of volleyballs at Beth, but gets Kate in the stomach instead]
Carrie: Just let me get through. Just let me get them
Coach Williams: PUT THOSE BALLS DOWN!
[Heather throws the same bag of volleyballs and hits Beth. Beth in return throws random volleyballs, one hitting Carrie and one hitting Kate. Then Beth rolls the whole cart of volleyballs and it knocks over Carrie, Heather, Kate, and Coach Williams like bowling pins. Beth lunges herself on Heather. Heather, Beth, and Carrie fight on the gym floor]
Kate: [blows Coach Williams' whistle] This guy is cheating on all of you and instead of taking it out on him, you are beating the shit out of each other?
Coach Williams: LANGUAGE!
[Coach Williams gets up, angrily]
Coach Williams: DETENTION! You, you, you, and YOU! Honestly...
[points to Carrie, Beth, Heather, and Kate. Coach Williams leaves the scene disgusted. Even Kate beats a hasty retreat]
Beth: [peeved] Who is that?
Heather: I don't know. Pam Something. (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Kate: Hydrogen and Oxygen walk into a bar and see Gold... they say Au, get outta the bar!
Scott: Um...
Kate: Because Au is the atomic symbol for Gold...
Scott: [slightly irritably] Yeah I got it. (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Kate: Oh. You're the other Tucker?
Scott: What is that? Is that like "the loser Tucker"?
Kate: Oh, no, no. That's not what I meant. I just... you just don't look...
Scott: Hot, buff, or capable of inciting an all-girl smackdown? No, you're right. Naw, it's-it's cool. I'll let you in on a secret, though. My mom, says I'm special on the inside.
Kate: Good for you.
Scott: Yeah. (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Kate: Oh, well before I say yes, how exactly did he get burned?
Scott: Uh, well, that is open to interpretation... because he will say that it is my fault, but I clearly said...”Dear God, man, you're on fire. Run for your life."
Kate: [sarcastically] A clear warning.
Scott: Yeah. (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Basketball Coach: [sees John in the thong and Coach Williams holding John's ear] What the hell?
Coach Williams: I think this belongs to you, Coach. I found it in my bed.
John Tucker: Coach, make her let go.
Basketball Coach: [to Coach Williams] Let go.
[Coach Williams lets go of John's ear]
Basketball Coach: "Live and let live" is what I say, Tucker. Takes all kinds to build a freeway. But I am not equipped for this kind of weirdness THIS CLOSE TO THE PLAYOFFS!
[spectators laugh and jeer. John is embarrassed. The basketball coach goes back into his room. John turns around and sees Kate]
Kate: I guess it was four instead of three. Sorry.
[John goes back into his room, embarrassed]
Coach Williams: Show's over ladies. Back to your rooms.
[to more spectators]
Coach Williams: Show's over! Back to your rooms. (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Heather: John and I belong together. He's the varsity captain, and after all, I AM the head cheerleader.
Beth: Excuse me, what kind of cheerleader did you say? (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Guy at Party #4: Holy Jamma Lamma. Kiss her again... Do it...
Kate: [turns on the headlights on John's Jeep] Get out of here, you little perv! (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
John Tucker: So did you like the flowers?
Kate: Sure, if you're into that kinda thing.
John Tucker: Well, cuz, you know, I didn't get a call...
Kate: I didn't have a pen. (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Kate: I don't get it. I mean, these girls all seem so confident and cool. How do they not know that John's cheating on all of them?
Crying Waitress: He's a total operator. He goes out with girls from different cliques so that they never actually talk to each other.
[chuckles]
Crying Waitress: And then he tells them that his father won't let him date during basketball season so they'll have to keep it a secret.
Kate: How'd you learn all this stuff?
Crying Waitress: [sobbing] I don't know, just a guess.
[runs away crying] (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Kate: DAMMIT!
Carrie: It's not that hard, uhm... when he speaks to you count to three in your head before you answer him.
Heather: Don't show any interest. Don't even look at him too much.
Carrie: Yeah yeah. You got it?
[long pause]
Carrie: I said you got it?
Kate: I was counting to three!
Beth: Not that slowly! We don't what him to think you're retarded! (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Coach Williams: [screams at John in her bed wearing a red thong-John screams back and falls off the bed] You...
John Tucker: I'm sorry!
Coach Williams: ...little... MARCH!
[grabs John by the ear and leads him outside the hallway of the hotel. Coach Williams blows her whistle loudly. Many onlookers stare at John wearing that red thong]
Teammate #1: [sees John in that thong] John, what are you wearing?
Tommy: [sees John in that thong] Dude, those are for ladies. (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Heather: [Kate answers her door and it's Heather] I want to bring down you know who.
Beth: [Kate answers her door again and it's Beth] Normally, I'm opposed to the slaughter of animals, but in John Tucker's case, I'll make an exception.
Kate: [now in the house] I don't even know him.
Beth: So, you don't even know anyone. You're like the Swiss, you're neutered.
Carrie: Um, it's neutral. Kate, if the three of us tried this alone, we would kill each other. You brought us here. You showed us that we have something in common.
Heather: Exactly. We all want to kill John Tucker.
Kate: Wow. Okay. (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Carrie: [sees the entire basketball team wearing thongs] Unbelievable.
Beth: [on phone, angrily] I'd hit him with my car if he wouldn't make body casts a fashion statement. (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Kate: [referring to his lab partner Alex] How exactly did he get burned?
Scott: There's indisputable evidence, that I might have caused the explosion... and actually, he will tell you that it's my fault... but clearly I said to him "Dear God, MAN, you are on fire... RUN for your life." (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Carrie: [Carrie has realized that Beth is still in John Tucker's jeep] Oh my god! Beth!
Heather: What?
Carrie: Slut in truck! Let's go! (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
Kate: He's probably just in town for a layover and he's just looking for someone to lay over.
Lori: [fake laughs] Ha very funny sweetheart. (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
| Kate: [narrating] I wish it could just be simple, like a retro pop song, "I want you to want me." Boom. End of story. We all live happily ever after. But it is never really like that, is it? (Movie: John Tucker Must Die [2006]) | |
| Roman Moroni: I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel: You lousy cork-soakers. You have violated my farging rights. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes... like yourselves. (Movie: Johnny Dangerously [1984]) | |
Danny Vermin: I got something to stop him.
Dutch: They made it for him special. It's an eighty-eight Magnum.
Danny Vermin: It shoots through schools. (Movie: Johnny Dangerously [1984]) | |
Ma Kelly: You've gotten to be like a daughter to me and I wanna share somethin' with ya.
Lil: Awww, what's that Mom Kelley?
Ma Kelly: I go both ways.
Lil: Oh. (Movie: Johnny Dangerously [1984]) | |
| Johnny Dangerously: The years hadn't softened Moronie. He continued to murder the English Language, and anyone who got in his way. (Movie: Johnny Dangerously [1984]) | |
| Danny Vermin: I enjoy collecting protection money, putting whores to work, loan-sharking. I enjoy planting bombs in people's cars. These are a few of my favorite things. (Movie: Johnny Dangerously [1984]) | |
Johnny Dangerously: I never should have picked a name like that. A name like that you gotta live up to. What's your last name?
Hood: Binderhoff.
Johnny Dangerously: Binderhoff? Perfect. Keep that name and you'll stay out of trouble. (Movie: Johnny Dangerously [1984]) | |
Lil: Get this to Johnny on the grapevine. Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the savoy theater tomorrow night. Got it?
Polly the parrot: Got it.
[flies away]
Polly the parrot: [arrives at prison mess hall and lands on the shoulder of a prisoner] Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the Savoy theater. Pass it on.
Prisoner: [to the next prisoner sitting next to him] Vermin is going to kill Johnny's brother at the Savoy theater tonight. Pass it on.
Prisoner: [to the next prisoner, "telephone" style] Vermin is going to kill Johnny's mother at the Savoy theater tonight. Pass it on.
Prisoner: [to the next prisoner] Vermin's mother is going to kill Johnny tonight at the Savoy theater. Pass it on.
Prisoner: [to the next prisoner]
[unintelligible]
Prisoner: ... at the Savoy. Pass it on.
Prisoner: There's a message through the grapevine, Johnny.
Johnny Dangerously: Yeah? What is it?
Prisoner: Johnny and the Mothers are playing "Stompin' at the Savoy" in Vermont tonight.
Johnny Dangerously: Vermin's going to kill my brother at the Savoy theater tonight.
Prisoner: I didn't say that.
Johnny Dangerously: No, but I know this grapevine. (Movie: Johnny Dangerously [1984]) | |
D.A. Burr: (On Johnny Dangerously's payroll) Why don't you ease into the job, by taking a vacation?
Tommy Kelly: But what about crime?
D.A. Burr: Don't worry. It'll still be here when you get back! (Movie: Johnny Dangerously [1984]) | |
[Ma Kelly is pouring drinks for everybody]
Tommy Kelly: Mom, it's prohibition!
Ma Kelly: Oh, shut up! Stop acting like some fag choir boy! (Movie: Johnny Dangerously [1984]) | |
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